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Julie Chen walks from the front door to her interview room while welcoming us to “Big Brother All-Stars,” where the best of the best (and Diane) will come together to live in seclusion for three months.

Announcer Dude swishes us around the house, which is filled with more than 50 cameras and 76 microphones. The houseguests will compete “for food, luxuries, and most importantly, power.” More than 15 million votes were cast.
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Julie introduces us to the candidates: George, Monica, Bunky, Mike Boogie, Will, Danielle, Lisa, Marcellas, Alison, Dana, Erika, Cowboy, Nakomis, Diane, Jase, Howie, Janelle, Ivette, James and Kaysar. She welcomes the group to BB7 and tells them to take a good look around “because, like it or not, some of you will be spending the summer together.” The HGs do their best to pretend that they didn’t rehearse this moment about 347 times as they “casually” look at their neighbors.

“We’ve said in the past ‘Expect the Unexpected’ and ‘Do Not Assume,” Julie says while Cowboy fidgets that he might have yet another sibling out there who won’t give a flying squirrel about his life.

Julie continues, “That holds true again this summer. Because the competition was so close, we’re opening the door to two more houseguests. Now the top four males and the top four females will be entering the house. That means 14 houseguests will be entering the Big Brother house tonight.” Which we know they were planning from the beginning because there have always been 14 spots on the memory wall. Nice try, though, Big Brother.
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Julie says that she will hand out keys in no particular order. She has this season’s nomination box in front of her.
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The keys are silver and red this year, and the box has this sort of handlebar around it. The top four women to enter the house are Janelle, Erika, Nakomis and Diane. They gather at the door and head inside. Janelle DRs that she was the first HG to enter the house, “I wasn’t that surprised that America voted me back in the house. Thank you, America!” The girls search the bedrooms for a minute before they find the Orgy Room, complete with a bed large enough for all four girls. They decide to take that bed.
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Nakomis DRs that she was worried that she wouldn’t fit in with the girls. Diane DRs that she doesn’t understand why America voted in Erika. Erika DRs that she has a few enemies in the bed with her.
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And now it’s time to see who America’s top four male All-Stars will be. Will, looking smug as hell that he’s assured a spot in with America’s votes is about to get that smile wiped right off his overly buffed face. The top four America’s Choice males are: Howie, Kaysar, James and Jase.
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Will is not happy. Tsy is. The boys gather at the door and head inside.
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Jase and his Nipples of Steel look around and DRs “Janelle, Kaysar, Howie, James? Did I just, like, time warp into Big Brother 6? Big Brother 6 is pretty scary.” Hugs all around. Howie DRs that “…this is an All-Star cast, right here. There are some All-Star boobies in this house.” And so it begins. Who’s idea was he, again?

The top eight wander around the house and check out the décor. If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t seen the inside of the BB house, let me just say this: Think about what the inside of Howie’s underwear must look like. Yeah, everything’s that color. Try not to throw up on your keyboard.

Kaysar DRs that “Big Brother 6 is here to stay. You can’t evict all of us at once.” Erika DRs that the BB6 crew is going to be a force to be dealt with.

Julie takes us to commercial with the promise of six more people entering the BB house when she returns. That first segment was seriously over seven minutes long.
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Julie welcomes us back and asks the remaining potential HGs if anyone is surprised that they weren’t voted in by America. Marcellas says he is in shock. Julie pulls the final keys: Will, Danielle, Marcellas (who whoops and hollers prompting Julie to say “I can’t believe what would have happened if he didn’t make it.” Ha! Nice one, Julie.), Alison, Boogie and George. Chicken George exclaims “So cool! I can’t believe I made it!” You and the rest of America, nut job. Cowboy and Ivette look stricken as they realize that no one likes them.
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The final six gather at the door and step inside the house.

It’s time for the “Let’s all pretend we like each other hug-a-thon.”

George DRs “Me making it here is like a donkey winning the Kentucky Derby.” Trudat, Geoge, trudat. Marcellas and Danielle hug then DR that they still can’t stand each other. Meet and greet, meet and greet, meet and greet. Blah blah blah. Erika and Alison are awkward with each other. They then DR that they still can’t stand each other. Tsy DRs that he can’t stand any of these fools, especially Shitty George who decides to take the Rap Hat from Boogie and do a little ditty. Will and Boogie DR that they hate Kaysar then plan their strategy as James DRs that everyone knows Will and Boogie are playing the game together. He calls them the Batman and Robin of Big Brother. Does that include them having butt sex and wearing capes? ‘Cause I don’t need to see that. But I sure would screencap it.

Will wants to go on the offensive right away, but Mike tries to talk him down. Alison DRs that “Will’s very cocky. He thinks the world of himself, and that’s fine … someone has to, because I sure don’t.” And I involuntarily agree with Alison for what will be the only time in this episode.

Kaysar DRs that he’s looking forward to taking Will down. Will DRs some of his same old shtick about pulling the mask off and there being circuitry and wires underneath. It was lame the first time, Dr. Will, and it’s lame this time, too.

The hamsters toast to BB All-Stars and we’re off to our second commercial break.
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Julie welcomes us back for the first Head of Household competition. Julie gathers the houseguests and drops the bomb: This HOH competition will have two HOH winners. Two HOHs will share the bedroom and the responsibility of nominating two people for eviction. If the HOHs do not agree on who to nominate, they themselves will become the nominees.
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The group heads outside for the first HOH competition, Falling Stars. The premise of Falling Stars is this: Seven of the houseguests stand on poles on a rotating platform. The seven launchers will, one by one, swing a 50-pound “meteor” through a “lava” pit at the target HGs, trying to knock them off their pedestals. The last HG standing on the platform is the first HOH. Then the sides switch and do the same thing again to decide the second HOH.
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The teams are Howie, Boogie, Erika, James, Will, Marcellas and Jase on the platform, and Nakomis, Danielle, Kaysar, Janelle, Diane, and George swinging the asteroids.
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Marcellas DRs that the setup in the backyard looks like a gay disco and he was just waiting for the shirtless boys. Give Howie time, Marc, just give him time. About five seconds, to be exact, because the guys in the Target Team (sans Marcellas) whip off their shirts.

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The first round goes like this:

Nakomis knocks out Howie, which pleases Alison.
Danielle misses while aiming for Marcellas.
Kaysar knocks out Boogie.
Janelle knocks out Erika.
Nakomis knocks out James.
Diane knocks out Will, even though he tries to pull off some dumb-assed stunt like trying to jump on the meteor and ride it back to his pedestal.
Danielle knocks out Marcellas with some help from Jase, who pushes the meteor into Marcellas.
This makes Jase is the first HOH, which he’s just fine with.

The teams switch places and the second round goes like this:

Howie knocks out Nakomis on the back swing.
Will knocks out Kaysar.
James knocks out Diane.
Marcellas misses Danielle.
Jase knocks out Alison though he was aiming for Janelle.
Erika knocks out George, who slams his back on his pedestal.
Howie knocks out Danielle.
Jedi Janelle is the second HOH!

Alison DRs that Janelle being an HOH sucks because that means that Jase can’t go after the Season Sixers. Everyone seems to agree that the Sixers are a threat because they have greater numbers than everyone else.

Danielle DRs that now is the time for Jase and Janelle to start distrusting each other. “Let the game begin, it’s Big Brother All-Stars.” Yeah, this is going to end well, you twit.
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When we come back from the commercial break it’s time to see the HOH room. The HOH room is freakin’ TIGHT! Lounge chairs, silver paint and, of course, snacks. The decorations include pictures of the HOHs taken during their season and pictures from home.
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Jase – get this – has a stepdaughter. Seriously. And he for real seems like a proud dad when talking about him. That’s cool, and it accounts for what I’ve felt was changed about Jase in his campaign videos. He says in BBA-S he’s playing for his family, not just himself.

Will DRs that if he won HOH, he wouldn’t even use the room. Right, I believe that. People from the early seasons get a little bitter at how nice HOHs get treated. Alison says people from the past few seasons were spoiled because they got to have a spy screen when all she got was a window into the living room.

Janelle and Jase discuss nominations. They play coy saying they don’t know who they want to nominate and the idea scares them. Will it be George? Will? Boogie?

Danielle starts plotting. With George and Alison. Her idea is to have Jase not agree with Janelle so they will both be nominated. Then they would have the numbers to vote out Janelle. Alison agrees, but thinks Danielle is shady because she won’t pick sides. Alison tells George that they have to tell Jase. George is just dumbstruck.

Danielle tries to push her plan on James, telling James to tell Janelle about the plan to get rid of her. Alison works on Boogie, Jase and Diane, making sure to tell them that the idea came from Danielle. Jase then runs to Janelle to spill the beans. He, of course, walks in on James, Janelle and Kaysar talking about Janelle’s plan. Janelle is shocked that Danielle came after her. She DRs “Danielle wasn’t really on my radar at all, but now she is.”

Jase DRs that he’s infiltrated the Sixers to gather intel. James, in all his wisdom, DRs that he trusts Jase more than he trusts Kaysar or Janelle. Bright one, that James.

Janelle DRs that “If Danielle’s going to come after me, I’m going to go after her.” And we go to commercial. Monica, sitting at home, screams “IT’S AWN!”

Alison brings us back from commercial telling Jase and his Nipples of Steel that the house is against the Sixers. She’s trying to convince him to go with the “let yourself be nominated” plan. Jase tells Alison that he’s down with her, Nakomis and Diane – but he isn’t sure about the plan. And with that, it’s time for the nomination ceremony.
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Will DRs that he thinks he’s getting nominated because he’s a previous winner and it would be stupid not to get him out early. Boogie DRs that he’s positive he won’t be nominated. Danielle DRs that she hopes the HOHs go with her plan. Jase and Janelle bring out the box and deliver the usual spiel about how the ceremony goes. The keys are pulled in the following order: Marcellas, Erika, Nakomis, Diane, James, George, Kaysar, Boogie, Howie and Will.

That leaves Alison and Danielle, who the HOHs say have already been playing the game “hardcore” and that threatens them. Cue the drums for a end-of-show DR montage.
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Danielle: “Boy all that stuff I started came back to bite me in the butt. This is awful.”
Janelle: “Danielle’s freaking out because she’s used to calling the shots and having an army of people behind her. … I think I made a perfect decision.”
Jase: “The dumbest move in Big Brother history would be putting ourselves on the block to get evicted.”
Alison: “America may love Janelle, but I hate her. I’m probably going to pull her out by her fake hair and her fake boobs and drown her in the pool. I don’t think she knows what she’s getting herself into; this is not the way I play Big Brother.”
Will: “You’re going to pick Danielle and Alison over me? I’m going to do everything I can to show Jase that I’m a threat. You’re going to not nominate me? That’s insulting.”

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Julie appears outside the Big Brother house and tells us “The battle has begun. The best of the best are vying for a half-million dollars and they’ll do whatever it takes to be crowned the champion of ‘Big Brother All-Stars.’ … It’s bound to be an unforgettable summer!”