Need advice, or just want to boast?

More like needing to gnash teeth, sob, and recoil in horror.

Or, actually, be a little like Amber:

"Wuts a date?"

Huh? What is this "dating" thing you speak of?

Well, hell, you big babies, I'll start!

About me:
Female, Single, age 38.
(SWF, be warned).
Chicago area.

Looking for:
Male (human type)

Qualities desired?
Yes, I desire quality.

Hobbies?
Why, yes, I DO have hobbies.
Hamster Time (dur!),
Reading (currently Ayn Rand and Chuck "Fight Club" Palahniuk),
TV and movies (can you say, "I love my DVR"?),
Painting/drawing (taking a painting class right now),
Playing with Murray (and teaching him new tricks),
Eating,
Being silly and fun,
finally..........
.......In training to audition for BB9.

Interested?...and NOT a psycho/creep/selfish, burping, spitting, stinky pig/
mama's boy/stalker/

Just PM me.
Or, you can always just think about it.... and then talk yourself out of it (that's what I like to do).

Why am I so bold? No one knows this section is here! BWAH!!!

I keep telling you single guys out there: FMC is really cute and makes great nachos. Get her while she's hot.

When she hits the BB9 house and y'all see what you missed it will be too late........

I'm not too far from the Chicago area. However, I am a psycho/creep/mama's boy/stalker.

And I don't like nachos.

Sounds like the perfect partner for FMC in BB9..... You can keep all the wierdos away from her and she will have lots of time to reform you!

You'll be happy to know you're just my type Tsylyst

Well, that keeps you off Uaintjak then. You just like Tsy because he lets me spank him.

Oh I'm still stalking uaintjak. And I like Tsy because he said he was planking me.

What is planking and would I be interested? It sounds like torture.

*ahem*

This is the dating and relationship thread. Not saying those things aren't torture, but we have veered off topic at bit, here.

Sorry Tooletta, I guess we have different mating styles. See, I have been with the same guy for 3 years. We met at a planking party. You know how that goes....he who planks best wins me! We have been happily planking ever since. I am too set in my ways to want to marry as of yet. And, if it ain't broke, why fix it?

Dating and relationships? My kinda thread!
My question is this? WHY do men stick with psycho women that make them miserable? PM me for specifics, but my friends and I have all been trying to figure this guy out. Oh, and I have no shame, so I'll follow FMC's example:
About me:
Female, Single, never married, 31.
No kids, just one well loved dog (read: Spoiled)

Looking for:
minimally neurotic, non clingy, male who meets my rules. What are they? Taller than me, have all their teeth, graduated from high school, have a drivers license, and don't live with Mama. You'd be surprised how many this eliminates!

Qualities desired?
Ha! See above rules. I don't think I'm really being that pickY!

Hobbies?
Volunteer EMT
Walk/Run w/ my mutt
Reading

Interested?...and NOT a psycho/creep/selfish, burping, spitting, stinky pig/mama's boy/stalker/ <----- this was too good not to steal!!! My apologies . . .

OK - I KNOW I missed something here now.... Cub, were you not just the one who asked what planking was? If you in fact did get an answer, I missed it - Care to share?

Heading back off topic again...

Sorry..... Apparently this planking thing has nothing to do with dating and relationships....... (Psst - PM me Cub)

ETA: (To bring me back on topic) I have had many relationships & two marriages but one thing is certain - you can always wind up with someone more messed up than the one you left behind! Wait, I thought I was getting back on topic but maybe this should be in the 'Country Music' thread....

Okay I will bite on this subject.

47, woman looking for a man who does not know the meaning of probation, jail time, home detention and actually has a JOB!

I have also downloaded the bb9 application, but I have one question, how do you not fart in your sleep and have thousands of feedsteers report it? Is beeno the answer and can I pick a person from hamstertime to be my silent partner to all the recappers?

Oh wait, I am 47, too old for BB to cast me, plus I look like crap in a swimsuit and NO WAY would I get naked for free clothes on television.

Edited to say I hope Tooletta doesn't say I put this in the wrong thread, used lol, or too many exclamtion points....I am learning mods....please be nice to me I've been here a long time but am a moody bitch.

So basically...you're normal.

Interesting item I read this morning and immediately thought of our 'relationships' section. (Courtesy of Yahoo!) Exciting concept ~ mmmmmmhhhmmmm - could work......

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070921/od_uk_...litics_marriage

ETA: I DO think an option to renew should be added however ~

I will be 56 next month and I use to be a female, lately I'm not sure if I have a gender.

I was married and divorced and married and haven't seen the man in 28 years so I'm separated, like really really really separated.
I don't want to get re-married but if I ever do then I'll divorce the second husband, until then it's just a big waste of money. Unless I win the Powerball, then I'll be sorry I never divorced him.

I'm looking for an old (my age old) couch potato who loves BB and yelling at the TV, eating, is fat and looking like Santa Claus is a plus.

I use to cook but prefer to order in, I hate cleaning but don't have a problem with someone else cleaning up after me.

I think sweats are perfectly good outfits, they should be clean of course, shoes are an option, I don't wear them indoors for any reason.

Must have your own house as I am living with my daughter & son-in-law and I don't bring men to their home. Also I don't make out in cars/trucks/tractors, so have a place of your own and I don't kiss on the first date...unless you are a recent Powerball winner.

Gosh, is no one here going to speak up for the relationship part of this thread? **crickets**...no really, Mr. Kid is watching something with crickets in the background. As has been noted before, I'm a 1962 baby, but since my bd is in December, I'm still 44, and I'm female. My significant other, aka Mr. Kid, is 34.

Mr Kid (who would absolutely laugh his ass off if he knew I was refering to him as Mr. Kid) and I have been together 11 years. We're not technically married, and if we wanted to get married, which we don't and may never want to do, I'd be like Shannon and have to get divorced first. We've lived together for 10 of those 11 years and each one gets better than the last, so you single folk out there, keep hope alive. It really is possible to have a romantic relationship that also manages to be practical. Of course it helps that we're best friends. And that he still makes me weak in the knees and leaves me sweet love notes taped to the mirror. The freshly cleaned mirror, even. In the freshly cleaned bathroom, no less. Men, if you want to seduce a woman, start by showing her you can and will do housework without being nagged.

But probably the best relationship advice (yes, unsolicited advice, but good advice just the same) I can give is to find someone who gets irritated and annoyed at the same things you do, because he or she won't do them to bug you as they'll only bug themselves worse. Oh, and try to win the Powerball, but don't spend too much money doing it.

Wow, I just found this thread and this should be so much better than writing to Dear Abby! With all the great minds out there, with so many opinions, how can I go wrong?!

There is a lady I have always been very attracted to ever since I first met her and we have been friends for about eight years now. I see her three to five times a week, because where she works and my business relate to each other. She has been always married the time we have known each other, but she now is going through a divorce which should be final in the near future. Since I have heard of her breakup, she is all that I can think about! I know, KNOW, we are a perfect match for each other!

We talk a lot in my time spent in her work place, we have many likes/dislikes in common and we have a very good, friendly relationship. I have only rarely seen and talked to her outside of her work place. It's rather difficult to have any kind of serious conversation with her there because people are always coming and going. Two things we do not have in common is that I love the Simpsons and Big Brother and she hates them both...bummer!

She is 43 and I am a 50 year old male. Now that she is going to be single again, I would like very much to have our relationship to be more than just friends. Because we have been such good friends, I am reluctant to approach her about a romantic relationship as I would not want to do anything stupid/drastic to jeopardize our now in good standing friendship.

About three weeks ago she moved into her own place and of course I offered my time to help her in any way I could and she was very appreciative of the offer, but did never contact me for any help. She had even asked me to come over and hook up her computer for her a couple of weeks ago and I am still waiting... I fear she got someone else to do it for it or she has figured it out herself. I thought that this might be my chance to get my foot in her door so I could talk to her alone...finally, but alas, no. I do not know when her divorce will be final and I think/hope? that that may be the reason she is reluctant to ask me of anything, rather than she just doesn't want me to come over because of me. I don't feel right about asking her when she will be a free woman again. I think that if I knew for sure when she was free, I could be more direct with her.

Her best friend, which I also know pretty well, and with whom she graduated with also works where she does. I have thought about going through her, but I know it is very high schoolish for a 50 year old man to do, and ask her, hey do you think Laura (name has been changed to protect the innocent) is the least bit interested in me other than a friend and do you think she would go out with me if I asked her? What can I say...I have not had much experience with women! Maybe I should audition for Beauty and the Geek next season!

She knows I am kind and considerate, I bring her cut flowers now and then from my garden, small gifts from time to time and I never forget to tell her happy birthday when it comes around every year. Hey, I am a real sweetheart!

Kidding aside, this is a serious request for advice, so please let me have it. I expect and king of look forward to some snark, but please try to help this geek get his beauty!

Thank you!

OOOH Topcat I love this stuff. Might I suggest that you ask her out for a friendly lunch? Make it clear that you are taking her as a friend and not on a date. feel out things at lunch and keep taking her to lunch once a week or so until you feel comfortable asking for a "real date." Let her be in control of the timing because she is the one who is coming out of a long term relationship. During your initial lunch together, you could bring up that you are still willing to help her with her computer or anything else she may need in order to settle into her new place. Bring it up but don't harp on it. She'll hear that the offer is there and will take you up on if when she feels comfortable.

I would also suggest that since she is just getting divorced, you take things verrrrrryyyyy slooooowwwwwlllly or you stand the chance of becoming da da dada...REBOUND GUY! Which you in no way want. She may very well have feelings for you but because of her recent relationship loss may be a bit afraid to trust her judgement when it comes to men. So for that reason, respect her space, don't make any sudden moves and wait for her to show you what direction she wants to take your friendship. That'a not to say of course you can't suggest but give her your suggestion/opinion/request and give her the time and space to think about it and make a decision.

Finally, if she says no the very first time, I would keep in mind that she may be gun shy because of her divorce. Ask her again in a few weeks or a month and see if her feelings have changed.

This is just my opinion. I am not a relationship counsellor and in no way take responsibility if this does not work out for you. But good luck and let us know how things go.

TopCat, don't take her not taking you up on your offers of help as a sign of rejection. Many people, myself included, are very reluctant to admit needing help in the first place and are very hesitant about accepting help when it's offered. We feel like we're imposing, or admitting weakness or we're afraid of being indebted - we have a million and one excuses/explanations. Basically, if your offers entail her getting in touch with you to take them up, she may be reluctant. Ask her if she still needs help with her computer hook-up.

I agree with Ronnie, also. Ask her to lunch, or even just for coffee to start, which you could do in a more casual way in the course of your regular dealings. Avoid being REBOUND guy (hot and heavy, too much, too soon) at all costs, and take it slowly for now.

And above all else, do NOT take the high school route of using her friend as a go-between.

Take my advice with a large grain of salt, because I'm kind of sour on relationships. On the other hand, if she is too this may be good advice.

Thanks very much Ronnie!

It's a pleasure to have your advice! You are one of the BB8 posters that made me laugh the most this season. Every time I see your name I think of the kitchen counter alliance you commented on when things were so slow and boring!

I agree, I should not move too fast. I would definitely ask her first to do something as a friend and not a date, but as I said, it is very hard with people coming and going where she works to even get a chance to ask her something as simple as that. I just need a few moments alone with her!

I would be disappointed, yes, if she said no when/if I asked her to do something with me, but I would not give up. Even when I ever do get my true feeling through to her, if she does shoot me down for good and we are always just good friends, so be it, at least I tried. One can never have too many friends. Her happiness is really all that matters, but I think she would best be happy with me!

Something I forgot to mention in my initial post...Even before I knew of her divorce I had purchased some tickets to an Ohio State football game at Ohio Stadium in Columbus and I was going to ask her to go because she is such a big football fan. Twenty yard line, twenty rows from the field! Well, by the time I had got the tickets in hand and asked her to go with me, she talked like she would have gone, but she said since her divorce was in progress, she didn't think it would be a very good idea, so I ended up selling the tickets. The game would have been today, September 22, against Northwestern...the Buckeyes won 38 to 7 and it was the 500th game ever played at Ohio Stadium...What a great game that would have been to share with her! Oh well!

Thank you Aminca, good advice!

I agree, the high school route through her friend is not a good idea. I'll take it slow and see what happens

Merged posts -- Mags

Topcat, you know where she works, she knows you. Her place of business must have a telephone. If you have a difficult time getting to talk to her alone because she is surrounded by people at her place of work, for heavens sake pick up the phone and phone her. Call her and say, "I heard of this great restaurant, they serve a great lunch menu and I'd be happy to take my friend out for a quick bite. I'll pick you up at noon, if that's ok with you" And be clear that you are not willing to wreck a friendship if she chooses to turn you down romantically. I think that she might be worried about that as well. Tell her that although you have feelings for her, the most important thing to you is her happiness and that the friendship you have developed with her over the years is the most important thing to you. That you want to preserve that at all costs.

While you're on the phone with her, or even over lunch, that may be a great time to say, "By the way, if you still need help with your computer, I'm available tonight or tomorrow or what ever time you need help. Let's set that up now so we can get you on line so we can chat on the computer during the evenings." I think you will have to take the initiative in this because if she is like a lot of women who are newly out of a long term relationship, she will find it difficult to ask for help.

Thank you for enjoying my recaps by the way.

Edited to say, if you got tickets for one football game why can't you get some more? Or tickets to something else that she may be interested in? Or something that you may be interested in that you would like to teach her about? See how I brought that around for you there Topcat, just sayin'.

Best advice I could borrow from someone else to give you Topcat. I've seen too many friends cast off really great guys because they either came on too strong or too fast.

Remember, just because the divorce is final does not mean her feelings are.

I say, If she wasn't good enough for her first husband, she isn't good enough for you!

Thanks to everyone that has responded!

Ronnieroller:
I think I really need to find out when she will be officially single before I ask her to do anything else with me, because she will probably say no again because of her going through the divorce like she did with the football game. Maybe not, we'll see, I'll ask her to lunch if the chance comes up. I would prefer to ask her face to face rather then on the phone. I have already offered to help twice with her computer and I don't want to run the offer into the ground and annoy her by doing it again.

Minxy:
"Take it slowly" is what I am getting from everyone and I agree. There is no love lost between her and the ex, it was never a very good relationship except maybe at the start and I really didn't think it would last as long as it did. She was not at all unhappy about the breakup, so I don't think I have to worry about her still having feelings for him.

uaintjak:
Now THAT'S the kind of response I expected from a HamsterTime member! Uh, actually though, this recent divorce was from her second husband, not her first.

Even worse! TWO guys rejected her.

**snort**


Whether she has a thing for scumbags or she was rejected twice, either way lady might have an issue or two that could use a little workin' out. If she says she's not ready, I'd take her at her word.

It would be interesting to know what type of men she married and why they didn't work out, how long they lasted, etc. I think this is tricky territory, for one if she is good relationship material (I make her sound like a bedspread) she won't be jumping right into another relationship until she's over this one and you could very easily end up being the nice guy/girlfriend/buddy that she wouldn't dream of dating thus ruin a prefectly good office friendship. Does she flirt with you? Is she the type to flirt if she was interested in you 'that way'? It's so easy to misread signals!

For me, if I was interested, you'd know it, I'd not only flirt with you but I'd say something about when my divoce is over are you taking me out, kind of thing. I don't chase me but I let them know I'm willing to be chased, but I'm a natural flirt. I'd have to know more about her personality to make a real suggestion. Also, you should have gone to the game with a friend/relative and then told her about it and maybe bring her something from the game, let her know you like her but that you aren't sitting around waiting for her to go out with you. Women often start feeling that stalking creepy feeling when a man is a bit too interested and we aren't giving that interest back.

If she's shy, reserved, really doesn't date until fully divorced, she may not realize your real interest or she may not think it's proper yet. But if she's out going and to the point and she hasn't said anything to you giving you the idea she wants to date you, she may very well not think of you that way. Probably none of that was helpful, sorry.

What kinds of things do you two talk about?

Okay, here's something odd that I must share.

Last year, I moved to southern California. New condo, new job, all that. At the district meetings for new fine arts teachers, I met this cute first year choir teacher who I will refer to as "ADD Boy."
He was always smiling and happy and most likely to make me laugh at inappropriate times by doing something stupid like shooting himself in the head with a rubber band. (hence the nickname) He got my jokes. He seemed impressed at my "How George Lucas Killed the Force" theory and when I mentioned singing in a community choir, he expressed interest in joining and carpooling with me.
Whoo hoo! I thought.

Well, at the next few meetings, he didn't seem as interested. At one meeting, he seemed distracted and was checking his text messages constantly. He was making dinner plans with his girlfriend. Undaunted, I suggested a few entrees (monkey brains, birds nest soup).
He disappeared for the last few meetings, and I sent him an email or two, didn't hear back, and so I gave up.

Today, we had our first district music meeting of the year, and there he was, a few lbs heavier, but still cute as a button. He invited me to sit with him, got me a chair, and lo, there it was. The wedding ring on his finger.

He got engaged in April/May, and married in July. They are already expecting a baby boy. And they have the name picked out. And the nickname. I joked that last year he was just a goofy young kid, and look at him now. Well, then he starts telling me that they had to borrow money from his mother, his life is totally changed and it's scary and all she talks about is the baby, and he doesn't even get to drive the new car, and don't get him wrong, he loves her so much but...

Eventually, I said my goodbyes, gave him a hug and told him to email me the honeymoon photos.

But, my head is spinning. Umm.. what just happened???!?!?

edited to make it a bit more concise

Oh, Anders, dear girl. He sees you as a work colleague/friend. That's all. Deep breath, step away from the ADD boy and keep looking.

Oh, noo! I'm not interested in breaking up his marriage! I'm just..I dunno.. confused? It's a lot to process. He was cute too young for me boy, then cute flirting with me boy, then cute with a girlfriend, then cute disappeared, then cute and married and expecting. And now, confiding in me?

Just a few months ago I was wondering if he would like to go to a baseball game. Now, I'm concerned that he's going to collapse under the weight of his new life. How did I get here?

You're too involved! Seriously, you seem very empathetic, but don't take on burdens that aren't your own, ya know?

Too true. You're right. Oh well, tomorrow when I realize grades are due in two days, I'll forget all about the trials and tribulations of ADD Boy.

I don't want to butt in Anders, but I have to because it's in my nature.

I agree with MrsG. That sentence I quoted came from you and says it all. He stepped away from the friendship. And you owe him nothing. I know it's difficult for you to not take on someone elses burden but please don't. You'll be the one to suffer for it. They're his problems not yours.

Anders step away from ADD boy and let him grow up for himself.

Edited to say I see you figured it out without my help

Since FeedMeCoffee found her a hot younger man on this dating thread, I will try:
51 year old single white woman, 2 grown sons, 4 beautiful grandchildren, over weight, works for the goverment, lives alone. Spends too much time with BB and soaps, playing on message boards but loves to bake cookies and cakes, not much other food. I do Nothing else but work and come home to TV and computer. I can't leave OKC, my whole family is here.

Any advice out there for dealing with the insanity that is ending a marriage?

After years of beating the hell out of it, I finally told my hub it was time to put that poor horse out of its misery. (happy birthday to me!) I know it's absolutely the right decision for all of us and it felt like a huge weight just lifted off my shoulders. Since then, however, all I feel is numb. (if you're numb can you feel it?) I'd really just like to stay in bed all day with the covers over my dirty, smelly head. Sadly though, I can't do that. I have to work and take care of the spawn and I'm pretty much alone in all of it.

Ok, ending this before I end up sobbing on my desk yet again today. Gah! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Poor Minxy! Of course you feel numb...it's a huge change in your life, and even though you know it's the right thing to do, it would be totally weird if you weren't freaked out about it. You will get used to the idea, and as time passes, you will adjust to your new (better) life. In the meanwhile, keep busy, keep things as normal as possible for yourself and the spawn, and KNOW THAT it will get easier. Oh, and don't get caught up in petty bullshit and battles during the divorce process. I have a co-worker doing that right now, and it's just prolonging the misery for all involved. Not that I think you are like that, but you know.

Meanwhile, you can always talk (whine, whatever) with us! *Hugs Minxy and gives her a donut*

Mags is right, Minxy.

The two things that helped me through my divorce several years ago were HT and my kids. Spend plenty of time with both and you'll do fine.

Hugs Minxy, is does get better but it doesn't always seem like it for a while.

:::Big Hugs for Minxy:::

Kiddo, I know exactly how you feel. I have a divorce under my belt too. It is overwhelming, but I promise you you will end up so much happier. This may sound cheesy, but there are three things I did while all of it was going on:

1. Made dates in my calendar at MINIMUM of once a week to go do something that was just pure happiness. That might be browsing a favorite book store, getting a coffee at a cool coffee shop where I could read trashy magazines and people watch, etc. Spawn-related fun things are great too.

2. If I felt like crying, I found a place where I could do that and just let myself go. Bottling it up is awful. Obviously there are times and places where that isn't possible, but when it is, don't hold back. Cry, cry, cry!

3. I'm not a journal keeper, but I did when I was going through it and I just let myself free-form ramble in the pages. It helped a lot.

And of course, Mags' exceptional suggestion of embracing the embraces of your HT pals.

Who knew HT was such great post-marital therapy? Count me among those who found much solace here when I was going through my own hell.

I know this has been coming for awhile Minxy and my heart goes out to you. Even though you know you did absolutely the right thing it's still going to suck for awhile.

One thing someone said to me at the time that stuck with me was: At some point in the future, you will reach a day when you look back and all the bad stuff is so far behind you that you only have a vague memory of how awful you feel right now. So even on those days you have now, that seem like everything has gone wrong, KNOW THAT, if nothing else, it moved you one day closer to that future happy day.

And cliche as it is you will be a stronger, happier person when you get to the other side.

I tried to pay your shoes a visit tonight at NM, but they weren't there-so I just gave you a general shout out in the direction of the Manolos and Laboutouins.

Aw Minxy, I'm sorry to hear you're down...you need some Mighty Taco. Do what's best for you and Sir Spawn, and look forward. My buds who had it worst in your Manolos had their heads turned in the wrong direction - when you need a change for the better walk forward, with your clear head leading the way!

Aw, Minxy. I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry to hear it" or "congratulations".

Speaking from the vantage point of nearly 12 years since my dipshit ex and I split up, the first things I would say is to try your best not to judge yourself too harshly no matter how you feel, and to not give yourself deadlines or timelines as to when you should be feeling what. Grief is an odd, intensely personal thing and not only does everyone grieve differently from each other, we usually grieve differently in different situations. Whatever you're feeling--or not feeling--it's okay, and if anyone tries to tell you differently, tell them to squish off.

The others who have posted have given some great suggestions and advice. I'd add this...don't be afraid or ashamed to seek counseling. Sometimes it's invaluable to be able to speak in confidence to someone who doesn't know you or the other parties and who has no stake in the matter. Family and friends can be great, and I'm sure you'll have lots of support, but even the best-intentioned ones usually have an opinion about the situation and sometimes it just takes a stranger to help see inside ourselves more clearly. The best ones don't tell you what to do, but simply allow you to dump enough of the interior garbage that's piled up to be able to see those inner truths more clearly.

I think one of the things that bothered me the most was not the loss of the relationship, which was terminally ill for a long time, but the sense of having failed. I don't like failing. But gradually I was able to get to the point where I thanked God daily that I was no longer living in such a painful and infuriating situation. Now I'm still grateful, but the scars have healed to the point where it's as if I were a different person living a different lifetime. You can get to that point, too, if and when you choose.

That's great advice, KK