THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE

Here's how I see it.

Nakomis wins BB All Stars. She uses the money to go to med school.
Janelle places second. Coincidentally, she enrolls in the same med school as Nak. (It's the School of Medicine at Yale University.) Nak and Janelle become BFF. Eventually, they open a practice together. They also run a free clinic. After years of dedicated research, they develop a cure for Progeria using recombinant DNA techniques. They win a Nobel Prize for Medicine and nobody will ever have to look like Booger ever again.
Donald stays at home to look after the kids. Nakomis spends what little free time she has writing. Janelle devotes three months a year to Doctors Without Borders. On these trips, she sees her former haunts with new eyes and feels a deep sense of peace.

Diane moves into a large motor home. She takes a great deal of pride in her new home and stitches a little sampler: There's no place like home. She hangs it lovingly above the rear view mirror. She adopts a puppy.

Kaysar meets a mysterious woman one rainy night. An incredibly attractive, intelligent, funny woman. A woman who seems haunted by the ghosts of reality famewhores past. They spend 1,001 nights together, exploring the joys of sex.

James marries Sarah and gets a real job. Eventually, he earns millions of dollars and donates most of it to The Natural Resources Defense Council.

Chicken George wins a Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to the Middle East. He celebrates with a bucket of fried chicken. He never eats slop again.

Dani successfully completes a six-month rehab. She never drinks again. She opens her own gym. Her children are happy.

Howie is the new Weather Person at WJOB in Palm Springs. He stops boobietalking and convinces RayRay that he is, in fact, the guy for her. They spend many happy years together and he never goes Busto again.

Erika's mother slaps her silly. Erika grows a spine and a gets some self-respect. She takes a job at a local animal shelter and is responsible for the successful adoptions of thousands of puppies. She manages to put Booger out of her mind and never speaks of him again.

Speaking of Booger... he disappeared one night. He was on his way home to see his mommy. Only two people know what happened to him. Me and the woman who told me this story.
Booger was driving down a lonely road in Bumfuck, New Hampshire one dark and rainy night. His car suddenly sputtered to a stop. Booger, being the fucking nimrod that he was, had no idea that his fuel line had been cut. He got out of his car and started kicking the tires. A car appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. A woman got out of the car. An incredibly attractive, intelligent, funny woman. A woman who seemed haunted by the ghosts of reality famewhores past. Booger said, "Whattup, yo!" The woman told Booger that she had some tools in her trunk and she would get them out and fix his car. Booger said, "Cool, Dude. Hey, have you ever heard of Dolce?" Then the woman turned around and opened the trunk of her car. She emerged, but not with a tool box. All she had was a chainsaw and a haunted smile on her face. That smile was the last thing Booger ever saw.

Now you're asking, "What about Dr. Will? What happened to him?"

Well, Dr. Will disappears, too. Only one person knows for sure what happened to him. That person is Blade. It seems there was a woman. An incredibly attractive, intelligent, funny woman. A woman who seemed haunted by the ghosts of reality famewhores past. One rainy night, this woman had a brief meeting with Blade. That is, after all, the only kind of meeting Blade will take. Anyway, this woman told Blade about Dr. Will, the "Daywalker." Then she slipped Blade a photo and a scrap of paper with an address on it. This woman knew that, in the end, there could be only one. That's why she went to Blade. And so it was settled. Daywalker to Daywalker.

Angel shanshued. He and Buffy closed the Hellmouth in Cleveland then settled in Paris, far away from Dawn.

The mysterious woman moved to England and shacked up with Ripper. It rains a lot but she doesn't mind.

And everybody at Hamstertime lived happily ever after.

The End.

Awesome Haunted! I love it!

Although I think you may be a little confused as to the identity of this mysterious, attractive, intelligent, funny woman Kaysar meets up with. I heard it was someone he would bee very hoppy to run off with.

I had heard that it was actually an incredibly attractive, intelligent, funny man, who was not, in fact, haunted at all, but was possibly jacked up on something, like maybe Frosted Flakes.

The weird thing is, Maggie and Cappy disappeared the same night Booger did.

Thanks, Bee.
I guess you and that mysterious woman have a lot in common.

There's so much more to the story... oh, if only there were some way to record these events for posterity.

Wait 'til you hear about the Class Three zombie outbreak in Suffolk. Seems a mysterious, incredibly attractive, brave and courageous woman singlehandedly dispatched the zombies before the media even got wind of the story. The survivors still speak of her in a hushed, reverent tone.

And Alison? Well, nobody cares what happened to her.

ETA: oh, tell us more, Jak. I love your stories!

What about Marci and Jase? What happens to them?

And although I have never been a fan of Alison, I have to say after this season I have a new found appreciation for her. at least she was a strong independent woman who would NEVER have let herself be used by the likes of Mike Boogie. This season needed a girl who would pleasure a guy for a vote and then coldly kick his ass to the curb.

The last I had heard, Marcy and Jase were living together in (non)wedded bliss, a'la Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt. They were planning on adopting a baby from Iceland, and maybe another one from Japan, if they could find one that was aesthetically pleasing.

Oh, good questions.

Dr. Nakomis and Dr. Janelle perform groundbreaking surgery on Marcellas. He is the first person in the world to undergo a total personality transplant. He emerges from this operation with a new, sunny disposition and a positive outlook on life. He loves everybody and everything. He manages the free clinic for the two doctors that gave him a new lease on life. He and Neil Patrick Harris are committed life partners and raise puppies on their little ranch.

Jase? I don't know what happened to Jase. He certainly is NOT a sex slave living in somebody's basement, wearing a black leather thong with a ball gag in his mouth, if that's what you're thinking. Nope. Lalala.

See, last I heard they had each primped themselves to death.

I'll be a bitchass mod here for a minute and ask that we not have too much BB related stuff in the off-topic thread. But you clever little fantasy is making me wonder if next year we should have a game/creative thread of some sort. Should I bring that up at the next board meeting?

Excellent idea, MrsG...and as you see, I totally stole it from you! -- Mags

Actually that's three people. The third person was a tall, strikingly beautiful woman with NH plates on her car who was seen tossing a tool box into Lake Mooseheadisbetterthannohead. For years after that night, the mysterious residents of Bumfuck became the finest fishermen and women in the state. One old timer claims it was the bait.

I think that sounds great, MrsG!
It could be a lot of fun and maybe keep us out of trouble when things are slow.

Dang. I was going to write up the story of the BB7 10-year reunion, and now I don't know where to put it.

OK, because we're bored, let's give this thread a test run and see how it goes. I've moved the above posts over from the off-topic chat thread to get it started.

I heart you, Magpie!

On topic... it seems that Bobo was eaten by a zombie. In Suffolk.
Well, DUH. I mean, it's not exactly a surprise, is it?
That guy had Zombie Chow written all over him.

WTF Haunted? Puppy Dogs and rainbows? Is this what its come to on Hammytime?
Where's the snark? Where's the torture scenes? Why arent they all (but Janie) ending up broke and plagued by locusts?

I see I'm going to have to give this some thought and come up with some horrendous endings for these famehos. Death, destruction, kidnappings! yea.......

Oh and Beehoppy my dear.. I also heard about that mysterious woman. Her Mane goal was to pleasure King Kaysar and spread Tails of his prowess across the lands.

Picture it...BB7 reunion, 10 years later....

(dooladoot, dooladoot, dooladoot, ala Wayne's World dream sequence)

Janelle enters her house, fresh from shopping (oh, and by the way, everyone looks the same in this fantasy as they do today, except where noted. I'm not big on continuity).

"Boys!" she cries, "I'm home!"

Kaysar and Will trot into the room and each give her a kiss. "Hey sweetheart!" they chorus.

"Now Kaysar, don't forget to pick up Bear from the groomers. We have the reunion tonight." Janelle raises an eyebrow, to make sure that the boys know she means business.

"I know, I know. Geez Janelle. I can't believe we even married you. I'm Muslim for christsake."

"Yes, but we both know the Qoran allows men more than one wife, and since the local mosque ruled that I had more balls than either of you, I was technically the man and could have you both." Janelle has that tone of voice that suggest they've had this discussion before. "Will, you need to pick up your tux from the cleaners. Get hoppin, Bunny."

Will and Kaysar exchange rueful glances, and do as ordered.
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At the reunion, which takes place on the penthouse of an exclusive LA building...
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"Oh my gosh, they sure went all out!" Janelle exclaims. She carries Bear in her arms, who is smartly groomed and almost as pretty as his owner.

"Yeah, lets hear it for the toilet paper!" Will snarks.

"I can't wait to see everyone." Kaysar says, ever the diplomat.

Suddenly, from behind the happy trio, a vrooshing sound is heard, as of twin lightsabers being ignited.

"HOWIE!" the threesome shout together.

It is indeed the Howster. At his side is a radiant (and obviously pregnant) Rachel. Both are dressed in Jedi robes. It turns out that Howie has founded the First Church of the Jedi, and is the leading member of the Jedi Council. Rachel finally subscribed to the philosophy of "If you can't beat him, join him" and is second in authority only to The Master himself. They currently have twins, a boy and a girl, named Luke and Leia. Rachel is preggers with the couples third child, a boy who will be named Bob. Rachel won that particular lightsaber duel.

"Wow! It's so great to see you!" Everyone is clearly happy. Janelle comments on how well the robes hide Rachel's pregnancy. The five chat excitedly for a few minutes before being interrupted...
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"Cackle cackle!"

It is indeed the Chicken Man. He is resplendant in a sparkly sequined lime green leisure suit. Turns out George is now the hottest attraction in Vegas, having taken over from Seigfried and Roy. His white tiger shows draw crowds from all over the U.S., Europe, and Uzbekistan. And his tigers? They only eat the Colonel's fried chicken. Mostly.

Everyone spends a few minutes playing catch up, when suddenly...
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"Oh my gawd girlfriend! Is that you?"

Janelle turns and is shocked to find Jase standing there...and clinging to his arm is none other than Marcellas.

Marcellass and Jase, it turns out, have shacked up and become life partners. They explain that they have been together for years, have co-founded a support group for gay former gang members, AND co-authored a bestselling book on the experience, called "I Can Look at Myself in the Mirror Again: How to Be Deliriously Happy All the Time"

Everyone is of course thrilled for the happy couple, when just then...
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"Cool beans!"

A very pregnant Nakomis bursts in, followed by a beautiful butch Diane. It seems that Jase wasn't the only All-Star to experience a reawakening. Nakomis made a killing in the tattoo market, and Diane is the head of a nonprofit organization, "Houses on Wheels", dedicated to helping struggling young actresses. They collectively have 8 children, with number nine on the way. They moved to Boston where they settled down, got married, and had Donald donate a lot of sperm.

Talk turns to how fabulous everyone looks, when...
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"Hey every...everybody..whash up?"

Danielle passes out in a stupor next to the bar.

Just then...
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"I'M STILL THE VETO KING!" an unidentified man is heard screaming. Security rushes in and tackles the man, subduing him. While dragging him off, he is heard to whimper "It was fixed...it...was...fixed..."

"Gosh, that's weird," says Janelle. Everyone agrees.

But then...
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"Hey everyone!"

Alison pops out of a vase in the corner. Everyone stops dead, and conversation dies.

"Uh...weren't you voted out first?" asks Kaysar.

Alison slithers off.

Until....
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"My god, who's that heifer at the buffet table?" Diane wonders.

Howie looks over, surprised. "I thought that was a couch."

"I think that...my god...I think that's Erika," Will gasps.

It is indeed Erika. All 823 pounds of her. After losing BB7 to Booger, it appears she started eating and just. Never. Quit. She's ginormous, and is wearing a flowery poncho, size E for elephant. She appears to be eating the entire buffet table.

"Hey everybody! I think Boogie's here!"

Everyone rushes to the window, and, getting out of his car, it is indeed the Booger.

Danielle pulls herself up by the bar, and staggers out the door.

Rachel elbows Howie, and Howie grunts and says "Me and Ray-Ray are going to, uh, make cheese. Be back in a moment."

Jase and Marcellas share a glance. "We have to go powder our noses," says Jase, and the two disappear.

Kitchen George cackles like a loon and wanders off.

Diane raises an eyebrow at Nakomis, who nods. "We need to use the ladies room," Nakomis says, and the pair rush out.

"Kaysar, let's go get Janelle a drink," says Will. Kaysar smiles and the two men hurry off.

"Mmfmfh phlumphd midf," Erika says, her mouth full of Ho-Ho's, and thunders off like a stegosaurus in heat.

"Gosh Bear. That's so weird that everyone left." Janelle remains by the window, watching as Booger approaches the building, spinning a pimp cane and rapping some song about pirate whores and playas.

From somewhere unknown, Janelle is shocked to see a liquer bottle come flying. It smashes into Booger's head, splattering cheap whisky all over him. "What the fuck?" screams the Boogman. "This suit costs 3000 bucks!" Booger stops and removes his coat, vainly trying to wring all the liquer out of it.

"Who would do that?" wonders Janelle, surprised.

Suddenly...vrooosh! Vrooosh! The ominous sound of lightsabers igniting is heard. Two robed and hooded figures approach Boogie from out of the darkness. Booger stops, uncertain. One of the figures gestures, and Booger's prize orange hat goes flying from his head to land a dozen yards away. The second figure swings it's lightsaber, and Booger screams in agony as his hand goes spinning off in another direction. The two unknown assailants fade back into the darkness, and disappear.

"Goodness!" exclaims Janelle.

Booger, writhing in pain, looks up as though he hears something. There are people approaching! At least half a dozen! Surely they'll help him!

But what is this? The people, who appear to be mostly teenage boys, sashay over and all of them whip out heavy baseball bats. They begin beating Booger cruelly, hitting him again and again, laughing as they attack the helpless weiner - er, winner. The boys, tiring of their fun, race off into the night.

"Those boys certainly were well groomed," notes Janelle. Bear barks in agreement.

Booger, now covered in blood and with his chin beaten down to the size of a normal person's, crawls towards the building, moaning and crying. His remaining hand touches the curb, when suddenly, with a roar, an immense white tiger leaps from the shadows, grabbing the helpless Booger by the neck, shaking him, clawing and tearing at Boog's body. The screams are bloodcurdling. Just as the tiger is about to deliver the killing blow, it looks up, down the street, and darts off.

"I didn't even know there were white tigers here in L.A." Janelle says.

A large vehicle is approaching...a motor home, or, perhaps, a bus. Booger weakly raises his hand, in an attempt to flag the driver down. The bus slows for a moment, and then suddenly picks up speed, faster and faster. Booger shrieks as the bus plows into him, crushing his pelvis and legs under the tires. The bus never slows, and drives off into the night.

Janelle squints. "Home Sweet Home. What an odd bumper sticker."

Two men walk slowly up to the battered, broken form of Mike Booger. Is this the salvation he craves? Will these two, alone among humanity, help him? The two men stop and look down. Booger begins to cry. Both men unzip their pants, take out their dicks, and begin to piss on the crushed face of Mike Booger Malin. When they're finished, the two zip up, and begin to walk away. "Eat a dick," says one, in a parting shot.

"I swear those two guys look familiar" Janelle thinks. Bear wags his tail in assent.

A bloated, monstrous thing hauls itself from the alley. On a night of horrors such as this, it would almost seem that nothing could be worse than the things which have come before it. Almost. The immense creature drags itself next to the dying man known as Booger...and...slowly...it begins to eat him. Alive.

Janelle adjusts her tiara. "Oh Bear. This is the best reunion ever!"

The end.

P.S. Blame this atrocious piece of literature on Haunted Rain. She's the one that gave me the idea in the first place :)

I luuuuuuuuurve it!!!

Ok, that? Was the funniest thing I've read all season! Love ya', UaintJak!

No blame from me. That was a riot.

Thanks to you and to Haunted Rain for convincing you to do it.

Haunted Rain and uaintjak that was hamsterific!!! I loved both your stories -- mysterious people that bring the demise of the Boogtard are always going to bring a smile to my face!!

jak, these stores get better and better and better! I wish you ran the story-wagon at our library! Tell more. Did Will-the-frog turn into a prince after Janelle kissed him? (Of course Handsome Kaysar-the-Good was already a prince). Do the three of them live in a really nice castle, and does Janelle let her hair down outta the tower-window every night so they can climb up? And is it true that since now and forever, every time April or Evilette open their mouths, slimy toads and slugs come spewing out????

One of my kids was an animation writer for several years (an AWARD-WINNING animation writer). I can't help but picture this scene in animation...especially the raised eyebrow and rueful glances. Very cute!

Jak, that was so funny I just kept laughing out loud! Seriously, I had to stop reading to go pee. Excellent. Excellent. Bravo!

Okay, people, this just in from the ZPN (Zombie Preparedness Network).

Bobo is not dead!
That's right, Bobo is UNDEAD! Bobo is UNDEAD!

He was last seen shuffling around by a barn outside of Suffolk. Gonzo said something about Bobo eating a dead cow. (Yeah, Gonzo. Um, we don't use our real names in the ZPN, folks. That would be stupid.)

Anyway, Gonzo has been known to down a few pints now and then, so it might have been a dead sow. He also said that Bobo was carrying a lovely red leather bag. Or maybe that he looks like a lonely, weathered old hag.
Damn, Gonzo. Give your elbow a rest once in a while, man.

Anyway, Gonzo said that he and Red Baron could use my help so off I go. I have to save the world. AGAIN.
Stupid Bobo.

Awesome stories Haunted Rain and Uaintjak! The stories certainly make the end of this season a little brighter, and give us some hope that karma is a boomarang.

Ok this is my first post ever!!! I want to give a shout out to all you recappers, you have keep me so entertained for so long! I even have laughed out loud at work reading the last few days. Ok my spin on the last days..........

Iamastupidwhorika decides that she has had enough of the silence and snaps. She decides it is time to take out Ieatmyownboogies. She ponders what can I do, I know I'll make some tasty ramen noodles with Cream and add some rat poison just to spice it up for Ieatmyownboogies. She prepares the noodles adds the cream and poison, and calls out baby are you hungry? Ieatmyownboogies says yeah! He fixes himself a plate and take it to the BY. Iamastupidwhorika watched him eat his noodles and with her protein malnourished brain thinks yum.... noodles, so she fixes herself a plate. (not remembering the poison cuz she doesn't nourish her brain cells).........pretty soon we see them both writhing on the floor in extreme pain and we get flames!!!!!!!!! Oops sparky took his finger off the button and we see 2 body bags...oh well......
Whats this!!!!!!!!! Jedi Janie and Dr. Evil reenter the house???!!!???? BB voice says welcome back, you will both be in the finals due to a tragic accident!!! See you on Tuesday!!!!!.........and the recappers rejoice!!!!

A first post that wishes torture upon the hamsters is always in style here, teethemouse...welcome to Hamster Time!

This just in from the ZPN -

Threat eliminated. Bobo dispatched. Infection terminated.


So, that's a relief. Anyway, I also got an email from Gonzo. Seems Lefty made Bobo a nice little headstone. That Lefty, he's a great guy, considering everything he's been through and all. Here's what he put on the stone:

RIP
BOBO
1980 - 2005
and 2006