Summary: In the first-ever FAST FORWARD Big Brother episode, Danielle was evicted 3-0 in a live vote, Janelle won an HOH competition and nominated Erika and George, Erika won Veto and removed herself from the block, Janelle put Booger in her place, and George was evicted in a 2-0 live vote -- all of which left the hamsters wondering if their show might be cut short. A hamster in the dark makes for happy viewers! Good job, BB producers, for pulling this one off, especially on two annoying houseguests who think they could produce this show.

FAST FORWARD THURSDAY

In a highly anticipated episode, an entire week’s worth of competitions is smooshed into a single broadcast hour. Me likey. They should have done this two months ago, then given us a household full of new, never before seen hamsters to enjoy for the rest of the summer instead of these tired retreads. Moving along… *Climbs down off soapbox**

Previously on Big Brother (Do we really care?! It’s Fast-Forward Thursday!!)
Dani was out for revenge against Chill Town. Will’s instincts warned him he might be in trouble with her. Erika won the HOH and promised Dani she wouldn’t vote her out, nominating Janelle and George. Will devised a plan to get Erika to put up Dani. Janelle won POV. Dani exploded when she found out about Erika’s plan to nominate her, and Erika went back on her word to Danielle, putting her on the block.

Back to the Live Show
It’s Day 60 in the Big Brother house, and the houseguests are in for one tumultuous night! But first: CT is hunting for their Yoko Ono—who will it be? (Oh, please. Will did it, but don’t YOU start equating these two doofuses with the frikkin’ Beatles!!)

Back to the Not-So-Live Show
Erika tells us she knows Danielle fells betrayed, but this is a game about getting to the end, and you can only trust yourself. And, apparently, squicky progeria-ridden fellows who slurp your face—and other parts.

Danielle never thought Erika would put her up. For her to put her in harm’s way didn’t make sense. She’s so angry because she just got seriously played. Losing out on a half-mill prize has nothing to do with it, I’m sure.

George figures this will be a peaceful week and they’ll toss him out like yesterday’s slop. “Maybe this Thursday night, I’ll get a chance to eat!” Oh, Georgie, be careful what you wish for.

In a shocking turn of events, only not, Chill Town plans to be the final 2. Will says he and Booger are in a great spot. They have Janelle and Erika, and they have to work Chicken George. He has a point—when you’re at the epicenter of every single alliance in the house, you’re sitting mighty pretty at this stage of the game.

After the nomination ceremony when she put Dani on the block, Will comforts a shaken Erika. It’s tough to be a front-stabbing Judas, isn’t it, Erika? Will tells us there’s a lot of tension between Erika and Janelle. “Janelle’s in love with me, Erika is totally cool with me. And Danielle—I’m stringing her along just like I did with James, just like I did with Howie, just like I did with Marcellas.” Hats off to you, Will. I’m still stunned that no one has called Will on his bullshit, since, you know, they all saw him bullshit his way through this game before! Did they all lose their playbooks? Did they lose their common sense? Stay tuned.

Erika enters the storage room where Will and Booger are holding a super secret strategy meeting. Will tells them, “We are Chill Town. We work quickly, we work secretly, we are ninjas. No one knows what we’re doing. No one knows we are together.”

Erika leaves, Janelle enters, and Will delivers the same spiel to her. How he manages to do this without bursting into gales of laughter I’ll never know. “Everything’s cool,” he tells her. “We’re Chill Town. We don’t get worked up. We work by secret ninja moves. No one knows what we’re doing. Things are good, OK?” The whole segment’s like a scene from a slapstick comedy.

Janelle gives us profound insight in the DR: “No one knows I’m with Chill Town. Except Chill Town, of course.” Glad we got that cleared up. I’d hate to think Chill Town wasn’t aware that she was working hard to get them the money in the end. That would be too bizarre to contemplate. Almost as bizarre as….her working so hard to get them the money in the end.

Will and Booger plot to make Chicken George also think he’s part of Chill Town, so they tell him he’s officially a member. They don’t hold this super secret strategy meeting in the storage room, though—George has to make do with the kitchen for his initiation into the town. Every village needs its idiot, after all. All George seems to care about is that he can now wear an official Chill Town T-shirt!

Booger makes sure we know he’s lying to everyone (this waste of space would get nowhere in this game without Will by his side): “Chill Town gave out honorary memberships to everyone in the house. How many will we honor? Zero!”

Danielle asks both Booger and Will about their votes, and both of them lie to her face, saying she’s safe. Will reminds us he’s the puppetmaster.

Back to the Show, Which is Live
Chenbot tells the hamsters to “expect the unexpected.” Ooooo. Nice turn of phrase, there. “We’re going into overdrive.” It’s Big Brother Fast Forward, and time is of the essence!” Oooo. Hm. I feel more excited than the hamsters look. Give ’em a good swift kick, wake ’em up! They look perhaps, maybe a tad nervous. I want boot-shakin’, dammit!

Chenbot asks for the nominees to give final words before the live vote. George says “If you want to keep the greatest veto competitor in Big Brother history, I’d like to stay.” Huh? Yes, you read that right. I’m not quite sure what George staying has to do with Janelle staying, or is he referring to James? The man is just strange. And I haven’t even described his outfit, best described as a Santa flower on crack.

Danielle says they’re all all-stars, she’d like to stay. The usual. And a few minutes later, she’s toast in a 3-0 unanimous vote.

On her way out the door, Danielle hugs them all and tells them, Erika, Janelle, Will CG, and Booger, and tells them, “I’m voting for the best player, so kick butt. I respect all you guys and I love all you guys.” They clap as she leaves, and as the door closes, Will deems it a “class act” — the designation given to every eviction since Howie scared the living bejeebus out of the Boog One.

Danielle’s Chenterview
Before we begin, we peak inside the house to find George stripping out of his green leotards on live, national TV! God, don’t let him plan to streak—he’s old enough to have lived through that fad, but he can’t be that whacky, can he? CAN HE?? Thank goodness Skippy knows enough to avert the camera’s eye.

In the interview (I’m going to summarize freely, here, because I want to get to the good stuff, and Dani is so five minutes ago), Dani says she knew it was coming because you can’t believe Chill Town. She knew once Erika put her up, she was gone. Chen has noticed she took things more personally than in Season 3, and Dani agrees because she knew these people and was a big fan of most of them. “You lost to a guy in a green leotard,” Chenbot says, rubbing salt in the wound. Dani nods and says it’s tough being known as a great player (And I say…Will? An actual winner? Still there.) Danielle feels she achieved her goal of finding redemption for Season 3, because she was respectful to everyone in the house.

The best part comes when Chen asks her who she wants evicted next, because it’s about to happen. No hesitation: Erika. And it is personal. Everyone’s goodbye messages are very nice and respectful. Erika, however, uses this opportunity to beg for her vote in the end. Danielle says she’s forgiven Erika, but she had her back for real. If she thinks Chill Town or Janelle do, she’s sorely mistaken!

Live HOH Competition—It’s Live!
In a Battle of the Sexes game, the four competitors (a term used loosely where most of these people are concerned) have to decide between the answers “male” or “female” in a series of eight questions about events in the house.

Q1. During a live show, did a male or female tell Julie that Kaysar was even more gorgeous without hair?
All correct (male, Marcellus).

Q2. Was the second houseguest evicted by an 8-2 vote male or female?
All correct (female).

Q3. When Danielle used the veto and removed herself from block, was the person who took her place male or female?
Will and Janelle corrent (male, Marcellus)

Q4. This summer, the houseguests from past seasons made an appearance. Of these houseguests, were there more males or females?

Janelle only correct (male).

Q5. Was the second ghost to appear during the séance a male or female?

All but Will correct, Janelle in lead with 5 as Booger jumped all around before settling on his answer of female.

Q6. In first HOH competition, Falling Stars, was the first person to throw a meteor male or female?

All correct (female, Nakomis).

Q7. During the judging of the Sloppy Cook-off, did a male or female judge say the slopcakes tasted like low-grade dog food?

All correct (male, Marvin)

Q8. Did a majority of the power of veto wins go to males or females?

All correct, but Janelle got 8 right, so she is crowned the new HOH.

A few hugs all around, then back inside to the living room, where Julie announces they have four minutes until the live nominations. Booger talks and half of its bleeped since he’s a foul-mouthed bastard. The only words we hear are Marcellus and pressure. He should know better—bleeping doesn’t make for DOOG TV. Sitting on the sofa, Janelle buries her face in her hands, chews her nails, has a big hickey on her chest—not that that’s relevant—and when Will passed by near the kitchen, she bolts from her seat and heads down the hall, with Will in tow. They have a quick strategy session in the bedroom.

Come on, girl! Make up your own mind. She’s leaning toward Erika and Booger as nominees, but Will effectively shuts that down and tells her Erika and George. I just keep wondering where everyone else is. I would so be busting in on them if I was in that house. And if anyone wondered if Janelle was with Chill Town, that should be over after this transparent meeting. Will says “They’re coming at us, we need to come at them, just don’t do it loud and yell and Busto Busto Busto!” No, that’s only a good strategy for Jedis, Will. Now that Will has made up her mind for her, Janelle starts to leave the bedroom, but Will tells her to wait until Julie calls them: It’ll create more drama, making it look like she doesn’t know what to do.

In her speech, Janelle pretends she’s confused, that she’s in a horrible position and hasn’t had time to talk to anyone (I guess she thinks they’ll believe she was in the bathroom?), so she’ll nominate George and…hmmm….lemme see….oh, heck, Erika! Neither nominee looks terribly surprised—George seems to think it’s funny. Erika, however, is squeezing her lips tight in a rictus smile.

Live POV Competition…Get This—It’s LIVE!
The name of the game is “I’m Knots about Veto.” Hardeharhar. The competitors are attached around their waists to a rope with two giant knots. At end of each rope is a veto symbol. The first person to free his or her veto symbol, take it off the rope, and hit the buzzer with veto in hand will win the Power of Veto.

In a special strategy all his own, George starts trying to undo the second knot down the rope. Smart strategy? Or brainless stupidity? You decide, while I ponder whether they got the rope from the giant spool. Will and Erika start strong and are neck-and-neck throughout the race. Watching Janelle, all I can think is how much weight has she gained? Those stretch pants do not look so flattering on her, what with the fat rolls hanging over the waistband. Even Chenbot notices that Will seems to be trying to win this event.

Skippy was asleep at the wheel, and missed showing us the moment when Erika grabbed her veto, but we did get to see Will knock over the anchor stand and stretch to hit the buzzer before properly untying the veto symbol from the rope. Erika does it the right way a few seconds later, and officially wins. As Chenbot says, “Congratulations, Erika@ Playing by our rules, you have won the veto!” Erika opines that Pilates goes a long way.

The Very Live Veto Ceremony aka Veto Meeting
I always thought this special meeting was called the Veto Ceremony, but tonight Chenbot lowers its status to meeting. This was the most awkward part of the show—when Chen asked Erika if she had anything to say, she stuttered and stammered, unsure what “anything” Chen was after. Once she removed herself from the block and Janelle put Booger in her place, Chenbot nearly shorted out because Booger immediately jumped in the nomination chair, before she had a chance to tell him to do so. Awkward silence ensued as Chenbot rapidly re-accessed her programming to determine what she should say next—which is “The Veto meeting is adjourned,” something usually done by the veto holder (Chenbot is out of order! According to Roberts Rules of Order, this meeting has never officially ended!)

Julie recaps, and the nominees looks a little shell-shocked, especially Booger. Each attempts to plead their case. For once, without any strategizing, the last-minute pleading seems valid. George says he gave his speech 15 minutes ago. Booger takes this live-TV opportunity to make really BAD TV by giving a shout-out to his business manager at The Douche Group who has to fill in while he’s away. (What? That isn’t its real name? But I’ve heard it so many times, I’m certain it’s the Douche Group.) Then he rambles something about being a stinky dickwad that no one on the jury likes, implying he’d be great to be against in final 2. George, however, he calls “a very sympathetic char who will be very tough to beat in the end.” Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of George as an actual character, as in cartoon. I know I do.

After another live vote (it’s live!!) George is evicted in a 2-0 vote. He doesn’t look too surprised, they all hug him, and Booger says he’s “truly an all-star.” Well, duh, he was on the damned BB All-Stars show. They tell George they love him and will miss him (miss him doing the housework, I believe). He nearly throws off the entire tightly scheduled production by stopping to gather the many parts of his silly costume from earlier, but Booger assures him they’ll get it to him.

Then, the Chicken Man leaves the house, as the remaining houseguests give the usual assessment: He’s a class act!

As we watch the house a bit, we see Will looking thunderstruck and Booger lying prone on the floor. Will injured his thumb at some point—he needs to see the DR! I think he forgot he’s a doctor, he’s been in the house so long. He says “My thumb is broken!” Janelle attempts to top that, saying, “I broke a nail really bad!” Um, yeah. I see no difference—unless you’re, like, you know, as shallow as a hot tub!

The short timeline starts to eat at them, which I find exciting! Anything that shakes the order of their little contained world is fun for me. Will wonders if someone is coming back, since so much time left, completely unaware that they’re coming to an end far sooner than they think.

George’s Chenterview
George, his face flushed, commits a serious infraction of Big Brother rules as he greets the Chenbot with a chipper, “How you doin’, girl?” Oh, Georgie. Any woman who sends her Head Honcho Boss after your ass for calling her sweetheart on a live show isn’t going to want to be called girl, either.

George is amazed he made it to the final 5, and repeats his lame line about a donkey in the Kentucky Derby. Julie says he seemed confused at times, but other hamsters thought it was brilliant strategy. He cackles and sets the record straight. All along he was plotting behind the scenes, pulling strings, being the mastermind of the puppetmaster—oh, OK. He had no strategy, except that not eating was really hard on him.

Then I get all tingly as Julie asks him the million-dollar question, which I will quote verbatim: “You’re a 47-year-old man, the father of three, but sometimes you dress like a 10-year-old on Halloween night.” George responds to this withering assessment by clapping his hands like a toddler and cackling wildly. Julie continues, not breaking more than the smallest smile, “What do you have to say to the people who think sometimes you’re acting like a buffoon?” A buffoon! For two months I’ve struggled for the perfect word to describe George, and the ’bot supplied it! Amazing memory banks she has. As a 46-year-old woman, I have often wondered the answer to this question, too. Will George enlighten us as to his motivation for embarrassing himself on national television? “I got the chance to do wild and crazy things and be myself and have a good time, and that’s how I tried to play the game.” Be himself. Hokay. Moving along now…

Chenbot tells him they have a surprise for him. It’s the Colonel from KFC with a big ol’ bucket of fried chicken! George runs over, excited about bonding with another old guy who likes to dress up in costumes. This one even imitates dead people!

Final Four Freakazoids
And so we have it, the final four All-Stars. As we watch them a few more moments, we see Will and Janelle strategerizing in the gym and Booger lying in the orange eviction chair looking freaky and wasted, smooshing his face with his fingers. Close call, huh, dude? Too bad it turned out the way it did. For me.

Next Sunday, we have the HOH competition and nominations. Then on Tuesday, more live fun, with a special live eviction episode aired live, and the live start of a battle to become the last HOH, held live! I can hardly wait.