Let me start out by saying, this a first time for me recapping so, be gentle please. Also, when volunteering for this gig, one of my campaign promises was that I would describe Kaysar’s prettiness to the exact degree. Forgive me if, during flashbacks, I go a little overboard.

Previously on BB, Dani ends the S6 HOH reign and Kaysar, looking strapping in his black wifebeater tank top, vows to do whatever it takes to stay in the game. Oh, Kaysar! So pretty yet so naive. Houseguests scream like little girls (yes Mike, I am looking at you) when creepy past houseguests show up. A seance is held to give clues to the next HOH. Kaysar, who makes the eviction chair look so darn pretty even with a shaved head, gets the boot from the houseguests...then the Chenbot shoves it up there a bit higher and twists. Happy Birthday, Kaysar! Erika wins HOH....BUT WAIT! There are shenanigans! Shenanigans, I say, and the HOH results are questioned. Announcer man wonders WHAT will happen NEXT??? Oh, announcer man, I am right there with you. What WILL happen next?!? Role that bumpin’ theme song.....

Present day BB house.

James lies through his tiny little, perfectly plucked eyebrows (or over plucked, depending on who you ask) that Kaysar leaving really sucked and that he was almost to the point of tears. He tries to demonstrate the tears but realizes his cold, dead heart has fozen any moisture in his body and he is no longer able to produce saline. George lets us know that voting out this KayCzar person was the hardest thing because he really, really liked him. Not that he liked him enough to actually learn his name, but for someone he had ALMOST learned the name of, it was real hard to vote him out. Janie knows that it is do or die time for her since a big part of her alliance is now gone. She has to win or she will go home. Mike (No, Mike, you do not get to make up your own nickname and expect that I will use it. Especially if it is super lame) explains that “King Kaysar” was a good guy and would have been tough to beat so he is happy that he is gone. And since Mike didn’t take any digs at my pretty, pretty, poor shaven-head boyfriend Kaysar, I will not make any disparaging remarks about Mike’s appearance. For now. Just wait...it’ll happen. I got two more days of this, people.

James notes how “Interesting” it is that the only two votes against him were from his so-called alliance members and that it lets you know where the alliance stands. By the way, James has written a new book. It’s called “Being An Asset To Your Alliance: How To Be Trustworthy And Not Screw People Over.” Ok, so it is not a book. It’s more of a pamphlet. A one-sided pamphlet. And it is in 72 point font. And it is filled with factual errors. So, run out and buy yours today!

Dani’s gonna miss Kaysar and hopes he remembers it is just a game. He didn’t even say goodbye to her when he left. So Dani’s upset she missed out on some good ol’ Kaysar huggin’. That’s reasonable. The man looks like he gives a damn good hug. Erika starts bawling the second Kaysar walks out the door. Then in DR, still bawling, she says something to the effect of “Waaaahhhh, waaaahhh, waaaahhhhh, Kaysar made me forget it was a game, wahhhh, wwwaaaahhh, boo hoo hoo, oh, woe is me.” So basically, the gist I am getting is that everyone loves Kaysar and it was SOOOOO hard to see him leave. Granted, they all voted him out ON HIS BIRTHDAY!!! But hard, nonetheless.


Will in the DR. Woah...hold up here a second. Will has got something SERIOUS going on with his hair right now. It sort of prevents me from being able to focus on his words. I am going to have shut my eyes or look away from the hair to get this right, but he says something about Kaysar being voted out of the BB game 3 times in the past year and that he is apparently just not good at the game. Which I could take as a valid point if I could just STOP LOOKING AT THE HAIR! For the love of all that is good!

There is some debate about whether or not George is a big stinking liar who swore on his kids that he would keep Kaysar. Janie tells Will that George is a liar and a snake. George says in the DR he did not promise Kaysar that he would keep him.

Erika comes to the revelation that her problem is that she cares too much in this game. Oh, honey. A) It’s problemS not problem. B) Caring is not even in the top 500 of your problems. And your biggest problem will appear at the very end of this recap!

HOH Shenanigans!

We flashback to the HOH competition where, clearly, something was wonky and we see multiple times that the buzzers were malfunctioning. Mike explains he had some problems buzzing in, but he was happy with the end result so he didn’t say anything. Howie throws down the knowledge that there were “technological technical difficulties” that caused him to get taken out on a question he thinks he buzzed in first for. James also had some buzzer problems but he did not say anything either because Erika will take out Janie and James is too much of a pansy ass who talks tough in the comfort and privacy of the DR but wouldn’t actually do anything about Janie himself. Erika wins the fake HOH and for about 3 seconds looks happy. Then she starts crying again. Howie goes all “Big Boy mad!” and complains some more about the buzzers.

More complaining and discussion of the competition when the Producers come over the loud speaker and announce to the houseguests that because they care about fairness in the BB game, they will be redo the HOH comp. Houseguests are stunned! There is a series of “Wow”s. And seriously, what is going on with Will’s hair. I need some answers. Oh yeah, and the producers tell Erika they are sorry. Erika says it’s ok then starts to cry. Mike explains that in end, all everyone wants is a fair competition and something is said about swallowing a pill. I am not sure, but I think Mike is trying push drugs on me. Crack is Wack, Mike. Just say no and all that jazz.

The voice of the Chenbot descends upon the backyard in the Redo-HOH. Incidentally, it appears that the Chenbot’s voice chip was set to “Somber” for this Redo-HOH. Chenbot sounded very forlorn. Is the Chenbot an Erika fan? These are the questions that pass through my mind while watching BB. This HOH will not use the questionable buzzer system but brings the return of the wheely-answer-ma-bobs. That is their technological technical name. Since we have all already sat through one fake HOH, I will just tell you the order in which they lose. George and Will go out on the first question. And I will not even assault your senses by informing you that Will is, in fact, wearing a crop top. A blue crop top. A blue 1984-Called-And-They-Want-Their-Crop-Top-And-Their-Hair-Back crop top. I am not even going to mention it. Howie, Erika (So sorry!), and Marcy all go out on question 2. Howie has a convulsion. Or a spasm? Maybe a seizure. I am not sure. James goes out on the 3rd question leaving Mike and Janie as the only ones left for the last question...COMMERCIAL!!!! Suckers!

Back from commercial, 4th question...Mike answers wrong. Janie is HOH for the 3rd time in 6 tries and saves her ass from certain eviction since she could not compete in the veto comp this coming week. Janie correctly assumes that all of her fellow housemates (sans Howie) are pissed off at this turn of events but she declares that she is there to “Crush Dreams.” You crush ‘em, girl. Especially if the dream belongs to a person whose name starts with a “Marcel” and ends with an “ASS”

Speak of the devil, Marcy Bitches about something. Shocker! Marcy complains that “The worst thing ever that could have happen, happened.” Really, Marcy? Like, the WORST thing EVER? Like worse than, say, Dinosaurs coming back from extinction and eating all the humans? Like worse than that? Then to top it off, Marcy complains about what poor sports Janie and Howie are. I swear, I cannot even use the Pot/Kettle analogy with Marcy because it does not fully explain the level of hypocrisy that comes out of his mouth.

Dani does her best Nerd Herd V2.0 impression and complains that Janie is so lucky! She wins everything! It’s not fair! Boo hoo! To Dani’s credit, she does say that if Janie continues to win every competition to keep herself in the game you basically have to give her the money.

James is back to his usual gig of switching sides with the changes in power. After talking shit about his original alliance members all week, he has crawled back up their asses. However, he still gets really pouty that Janie refuses to do what is best for HIM in the game. So next week, if S6 is not in power, he will be using this as more ammo for why it is ok that he is turning on his alliance.

Flashback to the Chenbot giving a general description of the new coup d’etat after the fake HOH. The 1st clue is given in the form a livestock. It is a sheep. Or a lamb. Or some kind of sheep/lamb combo. Janie is not sure as she is not from a farm. Dani is convince the lamb/sheep = Dolly = cloned sheep = DNA is cloned = DNA = Do Not Assume. Which is...not a bad guess really. She shares this info with James before she goes to make her official guess. She must REALLY trust James and all I have to say about that is...James? Really? Did you hear about his new book? James, Erika, and George take a guess right away also.
Dani’s guess = Do Not Assume
James’ guess = Pull the wool over your eyes
Erika’s guess = Do not assume (again, but after Dani)
George...ok, Georgie, Georgie, Georgie. He makes the excellent connection that a female sheep is a Ewe (“you”) so of all the common BB phrases that start with “You” such as “You have been evicted”, “You are safe” or “You are the new HOH”, he guesses “You are expected to expect the unexpected” Besides the gross over usage of the word “expect” in that answer, I don’t think they ever say that. They have said “expect the unexpected” but, come on. Silly George.

Janie and Will flirt in the sink. Yeah, it’s as random as it sounds. Both end up drenched from head to toe. As does the kitchen. Say what you will about either of them, but they both appear to be able to relax and just act goofy in the house. Which is more than I can say about some people, M. ASS!!!

James and Mike have a strategy session in the weight room which they reiterate they need Janie to put Marcy up with Dani so they can keep Dani in the house. James talks in the DR about needing to convince Janie to put Marcy up and, I hate to harp on these “eyebrows” but what is going on? It’s like the opposite of a uni-brow. Instead of growing across his forehead and joining in the middle creating one big eyebrow, there is just this huge expanse of land between the two eyebrows. And they go so far to the sides of his head that I am actually convinced that they DO meet each other and become one. It is just in the back of his head. I don’t get it. James can be attractive from time to time when he is not talking, but this is always distracting.

Food competition involves a Creative Slop Cooking Showdown of sorts with BB4's Jun, BB5's Marvin, and BB2's Crazy Nicole as guest judges. Houseguests have to create 7 different dishes, that use slop as an ingredient. The rules are long and complicated and involve a lot of math so the gist is, they are scored and if they don’t score high enough, they have to eat slop on the day that dish is assigned to. In addition, if they get a perfect score on any of the dishes, they get a grill. The result is 6 of 7 days that the houseguests won food. Also, they win the grill due to the Slop Waffles (Slaffles) that they created. Which Marcy wastes no time claiming all credit for in the DR. Shocker! Commercial.

Back from commercial, Will, Howie and Janie have a strategy session in the HOH room. Will does his best Evil Dr. Will voodoo on Janie to convince her to put Marcy up. She appears not to budge. She wants a Dani/Erika nom. Will also tries to convince her to not tell anything to James, but Janie says she has to tell James since they are an alliance together. James was right about her. She is so stabbing him in the back and not being a good alliance member to him. What with her insisting on telling him everything from their strategy sessions. That bitch!

An 80's rock video staring Will, Mike, Howie, and Janie occurs and it is pretty lame. None of these amateurs knows the first thing about air-guitar or air-drums. It is pretty bad. The “video” is basically all four of them in the outdoor shower, with Janie as the resident 80's hair band video girl, complete with pumps. There is a lot of “wetness” and “in the showerness”. All of this results in Dani flashing her boobs. (It’s ok, she still has a bra on) She’s doing it for her kids, ya’ll!

Another HOH strat. session. This time, it is the remainder of the “S6" alliance. At first it appears Janie is wearing a bath towel on her head, but in a very odd manner. Then I realize it is her chef’s hat. It’s apparently the new mandana as Howie walks in, also still wearing his chef’s hat. And his apron. James is trying hard for a Marcy nomination, but Janie is still not budging from Erika/Dani nomination. There she goes again. That Janelle taking out people who are threats to HER instead of to JAMES!! Selfish wench. James is so right. About everything. Ever. The strat. session ends with these preferred outcomes:
Janie = Dani out
James = Marcy or George out
Howie = Eat some bagels

Hey! Guess what!?! Marcy Bitches about something. Again. Here’s his DR quote “[Janie] has been a complete bitch from start to finish. A likeable bitch. I get her. A lot of us have something blonde and ugly stuck in our craw. Not ugly on the outside, but it’s certainly ugly on the inside. And it’s getting bigger by the day.” So Marcy thinks Janie is a bitch...but a likable one. Sure, because there is nothing I like more that a good old fashion bitch. Marcy gets her. Well yeah...He is definitely fluent in bitch. And if we substitute “blonde” for “bald” then he has expressed how 98% of the viewing public feels. His HEAD is getting bigger everyday, too. Seriously, I can’t wait to see his face when he sees what prom categories he has won Thursday.

Nominations

Janie starts with a speech that goes a little something like this:
“I would first like to start out by saying that I try not to take things personally in this game but, you know, when people are up in the HOH room pretending to be my friend when they are ready to just back stab me when they get the chance, I take that personal.” and “If you are gonna declare war on someone, you better finish the battle.” Dani clearly knows the second part is meant for her and Marcy sits at the table with his chin resting in is hand like he has been exposed after hearing the first part of Janie’s speech. And he is none too happy about it. He also gives the passive aggressive eye roll that I think he has perfected. The keys come out in this order: James, Howie, Marcy (who appears to give a big “whew” when his key is pulled out and it seems that he has convinced Janie he hasn’t been the biggest shit-talker this past week), George, Will and Mike.

Janie nominates Dani and Erika. Dani was nominated because she put Janie up last week and didn’t finish the job. Janie says she had no choice but to put her up. Janie says that while she likes Erika as a person, she has been floating and Janie despises her game play.

In the DR, Erika tries to pretend that she has developed a personality that does not involve crying like a baby. The air is so thick with air quotes in Erika’s voice while she is in the DR, I think she has used her lifetime supply of them up at this point in time. She says Janie’s speech was “interesting” and she thinks it’s “fascinating” that Janie “despises” her game play as a “floater.” Erika thinks Janie will be shocked to find out that she is just a girl from a small town named “Chill” Then she starts crying. Erika looks pretty proud of herself in this DR because she has come out with this interesting plot twist. However, it is not at all effective as I fall asleep while she is talking. Luckily my TIVO continued to tape so I could “get” all of her “speech” down in “writing.”

Dani repeats in the DR Janie’s comment about finishing a war you start and she starts saying something about battles then the spirit of BB2's Monica overtakes her body and declares “It’s AAAWWWWNNNNNN!” This is why seances are never a good idea. Someone’s body always gets overtaken by someone’s spirit and it just gets messy!

Announcer man returns to voice the same concerns that I have. Who will win Veto? Will that person use it to save Dani or Erika? Will someone win the Coup D’etat? Will Marcy ever change out of his robe? Will I ever get all the hours back that I have spent listening to Marcy bitching about things that sound like he is talking about himself? I think we all no that answer. No. No, I will not.

The show closes with a creepy night vision scene of Mike and Erika kissing in bed. I close this recap with a little throw up in my mouth from having seen that last scene.