Previously on Big Brother... Diane cried and cried and cried.

This week--who will be the next evicted? What new drama will unfold? What the hell will Julie Chen be wearing?

In a slimming black frock, Julie opens the show with a brief recap of her own, and I find myself giggling over the idea of her reading my recap instead of the teleprompter. Because it was crass and mean.

Diane & Nakomis DR their disappointment in remaining on the block, as do Will & Howie who flirt with each other and make out a little to console themselves.
Will: "Did you eat paste as a little kid?"
Howie: "Yes."

Erika apologizes to the girls and says she tried, but evidently not very hard, because the words "I choose to Veto___" just wouldn't come as easily as, oh, say, "I'll marry you Kaysar! You can lick my thigh Booger!"

The houseguests debate which way they want to vote. Riveting.

But not as exciting as Two Queens in a Tub: Rub a Dub Dub starring Janelle and Marci. (They may be able to cast the BB soap opera, but I've got the porno names down, beeyotch.) They strategize and make promises to each other, worried that whoever stays between Di or Nak will come after the two of them. Marci says he would help to protect Janelle from eviction, because he wants a "glamourous, asthetically pleasing" final two. And because I'm sure he believes no one would vote for Janey.

Nakomis petitions the Six to try to keep her; the rest volunteer to back up Diane. Nakomis says she'll help the Six get rid of Chilltown if she stays, and believes she has their three votes, plus Kaysar as a potential tie-breaker after her deal is made. Kaysar thinks he has Erika, and qualifies Marcellas as a Maybe.

And with that we're off to the Chenterview in the living room, and

OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GEORGE WEARING?!?! Okay, I didn't watch season 1 and I guess this is some sort of "nod" or whatever, but that's the most awful, pathetic thing I've ever seen. For those of you who were not able to see this, George is wearing what appears to be a makeshift superhero costume, constructed entirely out of aluminum foil, sadness, and stupidity. There are... there are tin foil GOGGLES, people. And a HAT. If I may channel my beloved Project Runway's Tim Gunn for a moment, I have deep, deep concerns about the idea and construction that went into this garment. And also for George's wasted life.

Julie and Marcellas talk about how he starved himself on the slop diet. Then Julie interviews Diane about why she went so batshit crybaby insane over her nominations. (Not Julie's words, of course, but don't you wish they WERE?) Diane tries to laugh it off, but I ain't buyin' what she's sellin'. Girlfriend is SAD.

Will is so fucking irritated that Julie keeps harping on his new gay relationship with Howie, y'all. It's awesome to see it get so far under his skin, just hanging out with all the pounds of Botox he's shoved in there. Howie says that he'd go to Will for Botox because he believes he'd get a good price. And yeah, free Botox for a signed contract that states "I will leave you alone FOREVER" and a blow job ain't bad. Will correctly sums up this little interview with, "There goes my career."

Name that segue: "Kaysar's Muslim values are the foundation of his life." Eh? BUT FIRST, let's listen in on some votes!

Booger DRs that he's attracted to Diane in a way that makes me think he's been standing over her bed and staring at her while she's sleeping. *shudder*

Now that I've scared the crap out of you, let's hear from Kaysar's family and friends. His sister is round-faced and adoring and says all nice things about her brother and his representation for Arabs and Muslims in America. A friend from an Islam Center in southern california says she thinks he's doing a good job of showing what it means to be Muslim. His sister thinks his faith keeps him strong and positive, and blows off all the women's attempts to flirt with him, including Marcellas. The only concern these two women have is that he would be betrayed or betray someone else, but otherwise they don't think he's any more tempted there than he is outside the house. Overall, it's a nice, if boring, segment of filler.

In Julie's private interview with Kaysar he shows off a new haircut? Or is it styled differently? Anyway, he says he didn't nominate Chilltown in order to put a target on them, and points out the Diane and Nakomis are in fact skilled players who could have flown under the radar. He talks more about Will and his alliance, but seriously, this new look is completely distracting. It's... geeky. He looks like a nerd. I didn't even think it was possible.

Will, George and Erika talk about their votes and Will votes to evict Diane. Sneaky monkey.

Now here's a little ditty, about Jase and Diane, two American losers that I can't fucking stand. Danielle thinks they're a secret alliance and dubs them Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Will: "That was that movie starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...where they hooked up had that baby and went to Africa and everyone freaked out and the paparazzi started taking pictures." Ha!

Janelle and Marcellas confront Jase and he gets all weird and nervous. Jase also pushes heavily to get Nakomis out of the house, and parannoys even more of James's eyebrow hairs right off his face.

Jase gets coy about the alliance in the DR and totally reminds me of my gay best friend Mike, only not as cute. I'm just saying. Flat iron, manties, and now this? Mrs. and Mrs. Smith may be more likely. I wish these boys would just come out already.

James, Marcellas, Janelle and Jase DR over their votes, and Janelle votes for Diane, Jase votes for Nakomis.

In other news, this Yellowtail chardonney I'm drinking is a really, really weird wine. I don't recommend it.

By a vote of 8 to 2, Nakomis has been evicted from the Big Brother All Star house. And I just noticed Booger's afro wig and y'all? I just hate him. I hate him soooo much. GOD, AND HE JUST PLUGGED GEISHA HOUSE! Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate how can I explain this? I hate him like.... like the asshole in the Hummer who splashes a muddy puddle all over your favorite outfit while you're changing a flat in the rain on the day you got fired and your husband cheated on your with your best friend. He could inspire spontaneous combustion like in the movie Carrie 2: The Rage, a movie I also hated BUT NOT AS MUCH AS FUCKING MIKE BOOGIE.

Clearly, I need more of this weird-ass wine.

George's Super Sad costume continues to depress me.

Julie interviews Nakomis, asking her what went wrong and whether her head was in the game. Nak didn't intend to play under the radar or weak, and thinks Kaysar's nominations were strategically wrong. No mean cue cards for her, nor particularly pointed questions.

Now for the HOH competition entitled Pay Attention. The houseguests have to watch the Julie screen and take careful mental notes of all the previous competitions from this season, which include the first HOH comp, the first Veto, the first Food, the second Veto, and more from the first HOH. After the review, the hamsters head out to the backyard to get quizzed.

With the first question, George and Howie are eliminated. Jase, Erika, Will, Booger and Diane get bumped out with the second question. Marcellas is eliminated on the third question. James, Danielle and Janelle all stay with the fourth question, but Janelle's knocked out on the fifth. James and Danielle both stay with the sixth, so we're on to a tie-breaker, which is the usual "get the closest without going over" deal. The question is "How many seconds did it take for Janelle to win the BB Dump Competition?" James guesses 421 and Danielle guesses 480 and for starters, that's creepy. The answer was 379 and James wins by being the closest because they were both over.

Howie does his usual congratulatory jumping/hugging bullshit. I can honestly say I'm happy for James, as he's never won this before and he's said often how much he wants it. Plus, it's another Six, but it's paranoid James, so.... DRAMA! Good times. And with that thought in mind, we leave as the hamsters rehash the competition. But since I just saw it, and wrote it all down even, I'm done.