Survivor 39 - Just Pick a Winner Already!

[MrsGryn]

Please note: this recap will be brought to you with zero politically motivated interruptions. Although I think whoever is dyeing Jeff’s hair should be impeached. Speaking of which…

Why is Probst dressed like a German spy, circa 1968? I realize I am used to seeing him in various shades of blue with the occasional foray into black, but this all-black, slim pants, tight mock turtleneck thing is simply not working for me. Just because the reunion is pre-taped doesn’t mean you don’t have to make an effort.

The live pre-taped show starts off with a display of the final five. All look good, except for Lauren who does herself no favors with an ill-fitting royal blue dress and a straight haired wig sporting severe bangs. Oh, Lauren, no. Just no. Tiny Tank looks dynamic in a red spaghetti strap jumpsuit, but the real story is that Noura is nearly Tommy height. I had no idea she was so tall! It was easy to tell that Tommy was vertically blessed, but we never really got that sense about Noura. Interesting. Dean and Tommy look neat and clean. They wave then Probst moves on to bringing out the big guns: Boston Rob and Queen Sandra, who is sporting a diamond tiara and gorgeous diamond necklace that I would like sent to me immediately. She claims that she wanted to be a mentor with Rob because she wanted to study HIS game and learn from him. Oh, that Sandra. Always playing Survivor. It’s total bullshit because she knows exactly how to play, better even than Rob, since she won twice. That’s why she’s the Queen and that’s why I will always love her.

Probst shows the audience clapping and I see in the lower left corner Les Moonves in a tuxedo. Did he get lost on the way to a “Support For Grabby Dan” rally? (I may have made that up)

Switching to the actual show, it is the morning of Day 36 out of 39. Rob and Sandra compare their stories. Rob found happiness with Amber and his daughters because of Survivor. Queen Sandra found happiness with the money she won. They toast each other. Meanwhile, the skiff is racing to Lame-wacko beach. The note delivered tells them to get their personal items and get in the boat. They assume they are going to the Island of the Idols and they are excited. Apparently one of Noura’s personal items includes a small palm tree. Oh, you crazy Noura. Never change. As the boat pulls up, Tommy reminds us that he is the only one who has not been to the Island of the Giant Heads, but he must have been told what awaits him as he is not surprised at all to see Rob and Sandra. Warm greetings are exchanged by all with lots of hugs and welcomes. Yeah, yeah, you are all just great, can we get on with it? Rob and Sandra give the final five new “Island of the Idols” buffs and tell them they get to move into the superstructure Rob has “built” during their time on Giant Head Island. Then the masters head off with the skiff skipper to parts unknown, or as we like to call it, Survivor 40: All Winners, No Untoward Touching.

The ragtag final five settle in to the new mansion. Tiny Tank is thrilled with her situation. She has it all figured out: guaranteed final four with that hidden immunity idol she showed to Tommy, then she can make fire like nobody’s business and thus guaranteed to be in the final three. Oh, Janet. You are surrounded by chickens. Remember that old fable about counting them before they are hatched? DOOMED! Noura is running around being Noura, Lauren is enjoying the comforts. It is Tommy who really starts thinking about what it means for them to be there as opposed to back on their own beach. He looks at the new buffs, suspicious that they were given new ones and notes there is a machete on the design, which strikes him as unusual. This leads him to find a machete half buried in a coconut, which is painted pink on the inside. Or possibly red. Apparently Tommy is red-color blind so he cannot tell different shades apart. This challenge was rigged for people with normal color vision! And small feet! Foolishly, or not, considering how the show turned out, Tommy turns to Dean for help. Dean is “D.K. Chillin’” as he assures Tommy he will take him to the end, because otherwise his choices are lose to Lauren or lose to Tiny Tank, and Tommy spills the clue-beans. There is a pink bamboo in the pathway to the mansion/shelter which apparently looks normal to everyone else who walks past it. Underneath is a symbol that looks a bit like a cattywampus H. The two men confer and Dean says he has to go poop before looking for something else. Who knew all that Cologuard poop box commercials would finally pay off in the finale? Anyway, Dean is the one who figures out the symbol is for the random swing attached to the rafters and he finds a hidden immunity idol. And because Dean is not a total fucking idiot, he does not tell Tommy about it.

Immunity and Reward challenge time! Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Sweet Baby Boy shirt, for those keeping score at home. We’ve got a multipart challenge here. The Survivors will retrieve a series of rope rungs, build a ladder up to the first part of a platform. They will then maneuver a bag of BALLS up a ladder, by sliding the metal rungs back and forth as they climb higher to the second part of the platform. Once there, they will use the balls on a large table maze to land both BALLS in their respective holes. Or as some people like to call it, dating. First Survivor to finish wins immunity and a reward. What’s the reward? Food that is not from Applebee’s. Survivors ready? GO! Unsurprisingly, the young, athletic men have large leads on gathering the rope rungs. They also finish their rope ladders first. At one point, Tiny Tank is shaking on the ropes as she tries to stabilize herself. It reminded me of those old exercise machines that wrapped a wide band around your backside and jiggled your flesh like a Jello tower. Noura, Dean, and Tommy are all working on the a-maze-BALLS part of the challenge and Dean uses the strategy of getting the more difficult ball, the one furthest away, in the hole first. This proves to be the winning choice because in the end, it is Dean who wins immunity and the reward of a feast. So now he gets to choose which of the other four go with him. Tiny Tank pleads her case, to which Dean shuts her down immediately. His choice? The strange one of Crazy Noura. Lauren is of the opinion that Dean is just doing jury management. I would like to point out to Lauren that is not the case since all of you want Noura sitting next to you at the final tribal, but I feel that might fall on deaf ears.

The less said about the feast between Dean and Noura the better. Suffice it to say she suddenly decides that pretty Dean might actually be into her and thus a long segment of Noura trying to flirt and Dean pretending it likes it goes on waaaaay too long. But hey, there was no touching so it’s all good.

Tiny Tank is so certain she will be in the final three with Tommy, she is already planning what she is going to say to the jury. Tommy, on the other hand, feels more loyal to Lauren since they have been bonded since Day One. Once Tommy lets Lauren know, a plot is hatched. Tommy clues Pretty Evil Dean in on Janet’s idol so he can use his nullifier on her. For his part, Dean isn’t sure who he wants to get out tonight: Lauren or Janet. Pretty Evil Dean gloats to the camera that he has all “the toys.” Sure, if you consider a tiki necklace, a couple of shells strung on a thong, and a carved up hockey puck “toys” then sure. So that is the set up for Tribal Council. Speaking of which…

Tribal Council. Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Lime Foam shirt, for those keeping score at home. We get a long shot of a spider climbing up a pole, and I guess that is the substitute for Boston Rob and Queen Sandra sneaking into their grass spy shack. Sadly, they seem to be gone permanently from the game at this point. As the jury walks in, we see Elaine looks like she still hasn’t taken a shower. The talk is pretty average, with the only real issue when Tiny Tank waxes poetic about the new digs on Giant Head Island, particularly the stone fire pit when she started the fire in one second flat. You are not doing yourself any favors here, Tiny Tank! Although it’s not like they don’t know how awesome she is at starting fire. I mean, she did it without flint the first night, which seems like a billion years ago. So let’s just get to the vote.

Probst goes to tally the votes. He invites anyone with a hidden immunity idol to play it. Tiny Tank stands up and plays it. The jury LOVES it, particularly Missy and Elizabeth. Probst confirms that it is a hidden immunity idol…and that the hockey puck he pulls out of the voting urn is an idol nullifier. He explains that if it is used with the correct name. He flips the puck over and there is Tiny Tank’s name, clear as day. She turns around to look at Tommy immediately and then Dean, who attempts a neutral expression. As soon as Tiny Tank is facing forward, Pretty Evil Dean grins at the jury and Missy stage whispers to Elizabeth, “It was DEAN!” Probst reads the votes. Loren. Janet. Janet. Janet. And with that, Tiny Tank is voted out of the game. I am sad to see her go because she represented Women of a Certain Age very well, she was always kind and protective and capable and non-judgmental. Is it too late to get her to run for President?

At the pre-taped Live Reunion, Tiny Tank in her hot red number is brought out to a standing ovation. Probst calls her out on showing Tommy the idol and she admits as soon as she did it, she knew it was a mistake. She talks about the kind of response she has received out of the game and how emotional it makes her that people are being inspired by her. Aww! Let’s cut the sentimental crap and get back to some backstabbing and Pretty Evil Dean being pretty evil.

The morning of Day 38 on Lumpa-wumpa beach, Dean tries making fire and admits that he has not made fire ONCE this entire season. Dude, did you think you would get by on just your pretty looks and charming smile? Oh, right, it has worked so far. Tommy, on the other hand, pretends he has no idea how to make fire and claims this to Noura, trying to convince her that he is the best choice to take to the final three. Noura is sucking all the attention up like a sponge cake sitting in a pool of rum. She is speaking to the camera and gets distracted by Pretty Evil Dean doing yoga on the beach. I mean…Dean’s okay, but he’s no Colby. Or Joe if you want a more recent reference.

Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Onyx Black shirt, for those keeping score at home. The challenge is simple and difficult. The Survivors will have to stack blocks on a wobbly table and spell out “Island of the Idols.” There is a hinge at the bottom linked to a foot pedal in order to lock in the table and keep it steady while more blocks are collected. Survivors ready? GO! There is a bit of a learning curve to handling the table, but this is a tortoise challenge. The slow and steady wins this one. Also it helps having longer arms in order to place the blocks. The game is really between Noura and Dean, and in the end it is Crazy Noura who manages to complete the task first. It is her third immunity, which okay. Funny enough, she is the one person who really didn’t need immunity tonight and here she is, squealing and doing a cartwheel. The other three half-heartedly cheer her win but it seems obvious they are only going through the motions since she pretty much holds their fates in her flailing hands.

Post-challenge, the final four sit in the shelter….well, let me rephrase that. Three of them sit and Noura stands up and tells them excitedly that this is how it is going to go: she is going to take a dip in the ocean and chill and then have a pineapple and then they can have some fun and then she will explain her logic and psychology behind her choice of who is going to sit next to her and who is going to make fire and…Tommy begs her to just tell them what she is going to do and not torture them, but dude...have you even MET Noura? That simplistic wish is not going to happen. Not ever. Certainly not when she is in the cat-bird seat and has an audience eating out of her hands. When we finally get to the pay off, she starts in on her explanation without actually articulating who is going to sit next to her and Crazy Noura drags it out as long as possible. She calls Lauren her number one, she tells Pretty Crazy Dean he is “the man” and Tommy is loyal and on and on and on and there are a few edits that suggest she was standing up there for a week with non-stop chatter. That may be close to the truth. FINALLY she gets to the point where Lauren is told she is going to be making fire. Of course it takes another six hours before she says Pretty Evil Dean will be the other person and once he hears that, Dean gets up, gives Crazy Noura a high five and wanders off. Lauren scurries out of there soon after, overcome with emotion. Now, I like Lauren and I think she has played a pretty good game socially, but she kind of lost me when she cried about how she has never made fire since they have been out there. Excuse me, you had Tiny Tank – the mistress of making fire – for 38 days and never once had her walk you through it? Never once asked her to show you what to do? That’s on you, girl. Totally and completely on you. So too bad, so sad, enjoy being on the jury.

Tribal Council. Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Prairie Kitchen Blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. Noura talks and who cares? Well, Lauren cares because as Noura is talking, she suddenly pivots to calling Lauren out on her expressions and being combative. Lauren is totally unapologetic. Good for you! You are still going to fail at fire! Noura tells Probst that Pretty Evil Dean is the second person making fire. Let’s get to the fun stuff. Okay, it’s not really all that fun. Dean makes a wood base and then adds his coconut husk. He gets a flame first, though Lauren does get hers going, but she keeps putting tiny sticks on the flame and it is spreading out rather than going higher. BIGGER STICKS!! GAH! Even Probst is telling her what to do by saying to the general audience, “You’ve got to build it” and “You have got to go higher.” Pretty Evil Dean’s flame finally reaches the rope and it snaps, raising the flag and giving Dean the win. In an attempt to be folksy, Dean casually says to the jury, “this morning was the first time I made fire so I don’t know what Noura was talking about. Tommy played you, Noura.” Jack on the jury snickers and whispers, “Tommy played YOU.” Yes. Exactly. Dean thought he was smarter but Tommy really did play him like a fiddle. Lauren is sad and angry at getting her torch snuffed. Shoulda learned how to make fire. That is all.

Day 39. Giant Head Island. Time for reflection among the three finalists. And by reflection I mean a champagne brunch. Hey, it’s a tradition. Pretty Evil Dean considers it a final two as Noura is unlikely to get any votes. He is not wrong, but we all knew that from the very beginning. At least Tommy, while saying the same thing as P.E.D. about it being a final two, gives Crazy Noura some credit for lasting, winning immunities, and possibly being able to turn it all around to her. HAHAHA! That won’t happen. Dean thinks all the stuff he won and the resume he built – a term I still really, really hate with this game – is enough to earn him the win. He has forgotten that likability plays a huge role these days.

Final Tribal Council. Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Pearl Violet shirt, for those keeping score at home. It’s not actually violet, which would have been an awesome switcheroo, but a dusky blue. The jury files in, sporting poker faces, except for Jack, who always looks somewhat bemused. The format is still the same as recent years: questions are divided into three portions: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast. Probst defines Outwit as alliances, emotional intelligence, social game. Jack makes a statement that they, the jury, are tremendously undecided about who should win. Kellee wants to hear about their strategies and how they evolved. Pretty Evil Dean’s was to not be the loudest guy in the room. Noura (“outwit = halfwit” per Magpie) babbles on about pneumonic devices. I am not paying attention. Elaine accuses her of not playing with any strategy, just emotions. Noura tries to answer but the entire jury breaks out with “TIME OUT!” to get her to stop. It’s hilarious. They debate amongst themselves if Noura had strategy or not. Finally, Tommy talks about making connections with everyone, making them comfortable. He wanted to play from the middle the whole time, which I think he was successful at doing. Lauren asks Tommy who was he most loyal to and his answer was Lauren. Then Noura outs Tommy for helping Dean make and build fire that he did not do for Lauren. Ooooo! Burn! Janet wants to know when he planned to betray her and he answers at boot eight. Jamal’s question has to do with lines that he was not willing to cross, so he wants to know what lines they had that they were unwilling to cross. Noura didn’t want to look back at anything she did and be unhappy with the person who made the move. Tommy claims he told the kids he teaches that he would be acting a bit different by lying and cheating and stealing if he needed to while he was out there, but it was bullying that he would not cross. Pretty Evil Dean has no answer other than promising a final three if he didn’t mean it.

Probst moves on to Outplay. He defines it as physical challenges, idols, and twists. Jamal asks Noura to explain her logic as to why she brought Tommy and made Lauren and Dean build fires. Noura pretty much wins Tommy the million dollars by talking about how Tommy convinced her he is awful at making fire. Jamal asks Tommy to clarify that he is the goat, the sacrificial kid brought along to win the game for someone else. Tommy agrees. Then Jamal says, “But doesn’t Dean have a better story?” and I’m suddenly having horrifying flashbacks to Season 8 of Game of Thrones. AAUUGH! I was already traumatized once from that, don’t make me relive it again! Although Pretty Evil Dean would make a ruthless Three Eyed Raven. Aaron asked about challenges. Noura was happy to be at the individual challenges since she didn’t have to be roped to Weekend at Karishma’s. Pretty Evil Dean likens it to a horserace where you stay in the middle of the pack. Sort of like speeding down a highway. If you are in the middle of a pack, you are much less likely to get pulled over for a ticket than if you are leading the pack or lagging only slightly behind. Safety in numbers, people! Tommy talks about how he knew about nearly everyone’s idols and advantages. Dean pulls out his legacy from Jamal, who confirms it is not real. Dean’s face is great as it falls, but Jamal compliments him on not needing to use it. Then Pretty Evil Dean whips out his Giant Head Island immunity idol and gloats out the story of how he found it while Tommy was looking for it, too. Tommy’s response is to say sure you had all that “bling” but you didn’t actually use any of that to your advantage (well, I’d say except for the nullifier, although that was actually Tommy’s hand stirring the pot on that). A-a-ron tells Tommy he should basically just shut up and several of the women tell Aaron that no, they want to hear what Tommy has to say. In your smug face, Gym Rat. Suddenly a very LOUD crack of thunder opens up overhead and rain starts pouring down on everyone. It’s a deluge, everyone is soaked, including Probst, and just as suddenly it stops. Noura feels refreshed and claims all the negative energy has been washed away, and Missy looks she swallowed a sour lemon.

Finally Probst gets to Outlast. He claims it’s back to the final three and that if there is someone on the jury they are unsure about, now is the time to address that. Tommy claims he built relationships with all of them and then he posits a question to them: who do they want to represent Season 39. Noura says she just wanted to be transparent, and launches into her “I’m wild and crazy” and she never takes a breath when she talks or uses a period at any time. Dean acknowledges they are all Survivor fans, and reminds them how much fun it is to watch the game and see the person with their back against the wall and how they survive and move forward, and they should vote for him because it will be AWESOME to watch him on TV. He also implores them to “make history” with him by voting for him. Goddammit, I said NO POLITICS! Screw you, Pretty Evil Dean.

And with that, it’s time to vote. One by one, the jurors make their way up to the voting booth. We see Aaron vote for Dean and Lauren vote for Tommy. Long time viewers know this means no one voted for Noura, because if they had, we would have seen it. Probst collect the urn and takes off into the night, for his rendezvous with Skiff Skipper. See, now that would have been the perfect transitional segment: Probst getting on that little motor boat and chugging off into the night, pretending that is how he crossed the Pacific Ocean rather than a first class seat on Air New Zealand. We are back to the pre-recorded live show. Tommy looks dapper in a navy blue shirt, pink shirt and neatly trimmed hair and beard. Dean looks smugly handsome in a shiny gray suit and black shirt. Noura looks lovely in a peacock inspired strapless gown. Points off for no necklace, but I’m totally envious of her gorgeous hair. Time to read the votes.

Tommy. Dean. Tommy. Dean. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. That wins it. Tommy the fourth grade schoolteacher wins Survivor and gets mugged by his family. The Dean votes were from Aaron and Elizabeth. All the rest were for Tommy.

Ah well. Another season put to bed. It started off great, with a really interesting and diverse cast, an interesting twist with Giant Head Island and the lessons in Survivor from a couple of original Survivor champions. Sadly, it all went to Hell and deflated a lot of my enthusiasm for the season. But I still love Survivor and at least when February rolls around and we have nothing but former winners, we can all be assured they at least know how the sausage is made and won’t screw it all up. Oh, who am I kidding? Someone is going to fuck it up. My money is on Tyson.

See you in February!

[Magpie]

Thank you for a season of awesome recaps, @MrsGryn! The season itself made that turn toward Hell, as you said, but your recaps were top quality. See you in February! I'll bring the donuts. 

[MrsGryn]

Thanks, Mags, and thank you to everyone who stuck with the season to the slightly bland winner end.

[tlh9]

MrsGryn's recaps are always one of, if not the, highlight of any Survivor season!  I check excitedly after every episode so i can make a snack and settle in to read.  haha!

Looking forward to Februray also!

[CazBot]

On 12/20/2019 at 9:36 PM, MrsGryn said:

Once there, they will use the balls on a large table maze to land both BALLS in their respective holes. Or as some people like to call it, dating.

Finally had a slow day at work and was able to read the final recap.  HA!!  Thank you @MrsGryn !