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MrsGryn

Survivor 39 - Episode 13 - Survivor 38: This Season is the Worst. Survivor 39: Hold My Beer.

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MrsGryn   

This season started off with so much promise, like a straight A student beginning freshman year at her dream college. Then someone introduces her to Kahlua and vodka, and suddenly she’s flunking out of English 101 and the dream of a perfect season ends. Thus goes Survivor 39: Island of #TimesUpForGrabbyDan.

Post-tribal finds Noura continuing her  No Really I Was Gonna Tell Tommy tour. She fails miserably and what appears to be a locked up final four in TinyTank, Lauren, GrabbyDan and Tommy shoo her away so they don’t have to listen to her idiocy anymore. Noura blames Dean for both her failure to create a coup and the Lindenburgh baby kidnapping, so for revenge she…steals his kicks. Apparently he keeps his tennis shoes pristine and she decides to hide them high up on the Lumuwaku flag pole that also contains trophies (in the form of forgotten clothing) from the previously deceased tribe members. Fun fact: Elaine wore A-a-ron’s pants to the next tribal council following his ouster and he was so pissed off about it, he held on to it until she got to Ponderosa so he could yell at her. What a baby.

The next morning, everyone wanders off to look for the newly rehidden immunity idol that Elaine wasted the night before. After a great deal of wandering around like Moses in the desert, TinyTank finally looks where the cameraman has been pointing his lens for ten minutes straight and finds a blue wrapper. It is not a discarded old Rice Krispie Treat foil packaging, but indeed the immunity idol. She calls Tommy over and they celebrate by READING THE PARCHMENT OUT IN THE OPEN. Oh, sure, they looked around surreptitiously but failed to notice Dean and Elaine standing twenty feet away from them. Idiots. Dean is quite pleased that he knows what they know while they don’t know what he knows. Elaine is having trouble extrapolating that sentence. So am I, but I’ve got a Kahlua and cream to get me through.

Later on what I assume is the same morning, Elaine tries working on Lauren to understand that the boys have an alliance that does not include her and that even if they bring her to the final four, they will make her build a fire for her life. Elaine, as it turns out, is exactly right but Lauren trusts Tommy, who looks, feels, and sounds trustworthy. Spoiler alert: he is not. While Big Red assures Lauren that all is well, he goes back to the Boys Alliance and tells them to make sure Lauren feels safe and tell her they want to get rid of Janet. In truth, Tommy knows he cannot win against Lauren, that none of them can. I would argue that everyone can win against both GrabbyDan and Crazy Noura. Dean is a wild card at the moment. But we are at the point in the game where everyone smells the finale close at hand, so scenarios are being spun in their heads like sugar cookies. (Not a fan of plums.)

Whirrrrrrrrrrrrr! The sound you hear is the boat for Island of the Giant Heads. The bag is handed over by the skipper of the skiff. The Survivors must draw one name to go to the island. Now, let’s see. Out of everyone left, who has not been to see the secret of the season? TinyTank has been, Elaine, Crazy Noura. Tommy, Dean, and Dan have not, which is a good thing for GrabbyDan because he would have lost his fingers had he tried to touch Sandra in an untoward way. I don’t remember if Lauren when and I’m honestly too tired to look it up, but I do not think she has been (she did go in Episode 10, so yeah, I’m losing it. Thank you, Wikipedia). So a name is drawn and who gets to go? Dean. He assumes it will be the last trip of the game and it means his good luck is kicking in at the right time.

The camera focuses on a flaccid, pale harbor seal in red shorts…oh, I’m sorry. That’s Boston Rob out spearfishing. He manages to get a large Orange Roughy that looks like it came directly from the fishmonger’s ice tray and takes it back to Idol camp, where he cooks perfectly cut filets for himself and Sandra (and soon Dean). Boston Rob LOVES being out there on Survivor Island and claims it feels like home. I’m sure Amber and your daughters love hearing you say that, you big lunk. Dean gets dropped off on the lovely beach and does the whole quizzical “Why are there giant heads of Linda Ronstadt and George Lucas circa 1983 on a beach in Fiji?” thing. Rob and Sandra greet him and give him some food, and talk ensues. Dean shares his legacy given to him by Jamal and asks them to confirm that it is real. Sandra immediately says no can do, Frat boy. Only Probst is able to confirm that. Dean goes on to detail how he made a fake of the (fake) legacy and the Idols are impressed by his ingenuity. They are less impressed when he blathers on about getting everyone to vote for him then pulling out his (fake) legacy advantage. Rob may have called him a dunce. The lesson must go on, however, and it is about jury management. They talk to him about storytelling to the jury, to “differentiate” himself and I’m impressed that Sandra made that word choice, because she usually likes the short and to the point vocabulary. Now comes the test: if Dean wins, he gets to choose because an extra vote, an idol nullifier, or an idol that has to be played for someone else. All he has to do is win a coin flip. He does, and he chooses the idol nullifier as he knows Janet has an idol. Boo. Don’t you dare be mean to TinyTank!

Lumuwaku, Day 34. I said it before and I’ll say it again. This is the second worse merge tribe name, after Nobag (Gabon, Africa). Dean comes back from Idol Island. His story is a simple version of the truth, a lesson Noura could have used a few weeks back. He claims it was a coin flip to lose his vote and win either an extra vote or an idol that could be used for someone else, and he lost so he does not have a vote for the next Tribal council. As soon as he is alone with Dan, Tommy and Lauren, he tells them the truth, which puts Tommy on edge a bit. Tommy had been cruising along thinking Dean was just Pretty Dean with the Good Shoes, but this show of sneaky snake underhandedness proves Dean has at least something of a story to sell the jury. I think it is a mistake on Dean’s part as well to say he has an idol nullifier, because Dean KNOWS that Tommy and TinyTank have an idol! Didn’t think that part through, did you, Pretty Boy?

Day 35, Immunity Challenge time! Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Rich Navy shirt, for those keeping score at home. This is going to be a physical challenge, big time. Survivors will have to spin to uncoil a rope, then make their way through a series of obstacles – my most-oft used phrase this season, right after “Glidden Paint” and “Stop Touching Me, Dan.” A single puzzle piece will be collected along the way, which seems cheap. Then the Survivors will have to make a word puzzle that spells out “This game will mess with your mind” and reputation, but who’s counting? Survivors ready? GO! Watching dizzy people try to navigate a rope net and a balance beam is pretty damn funny. A dizzy challenge is a must-have from now on. The puzzle round has everyone pretty even. Elaine, though, is pretty close but unfortunately it is Dean who beats her to the punch. On my first watch, I thought he might have looked at what she was doing, but seeing it again, I don’t believe that happened, at least not right at the end enough to matter. Elaine is very upset and knocks her pieces over. Her frustration is mostly at herself, for both being so close to finishing and not being able to get there, and then at wasting her immunity idol at the last tribal council. Of course, WE know that even if she still had it, she would have been nullified by Dean’s new toy. Elaine knows she is on the chopping block and that her only play, really, is to try and convince people to vote out Crazy Noura. Yeah, I think that ship has sailed. She’s too tempting as someone to drag to the end.

Post challenge the decision is that everyone except Dan will vote Elaine, and Dan will vote for Noura just in case an idol is played. Elaine tries to talk Lauren into switching to Noura, and for her part Lauren listens. It’s an idea that would probably help Lauren more than just going along with the crowd and voting out the easy choice in Elaine. Lauren and TinyTank discuss it and while TT thinks this might work, she also knows Elaine is a real threat to win at the end, to make fire as fast as TinyTank can make it, just in case it comes down to that choice at the final four. Another note: we have barely seen Noura this episode, so it seems painfully obvious who is going home.

Tribal Council time. Probst is wearing a Glidden Paint Windswept Blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. Twenty minutes for tribal seems like a long time, especially when we know pretty much who is going. Let’s get on with it. Rob and Sandra are in their grass shack and Rob is…shocked? overjoyed? flabbergasted? that Dean won immunity. It’s hard to tell, but then when he starts making fun of Dean “stretching before flexing” it means he just likes to poke at pretty boys and their pristine shoes. The jury comes in and Weekend at Karishma’s’ is looking like a hot mama. An inept, whiny hot mama, but still pretty hot. I mean, if you like a hot mess, that is. Elaine complains about Dean winning, and Dean pivots to playing up to the jury, making Boston Rob proud that someone actually listened to him. GrabbyDan likens the last tribal council to an earthquake and that the foundation was rebuilt to be stronger. He then says, “Unless it’s the big one tonight…” Oh GrabbyDan. You have no idea. Also, don’t say, “the big one” while gesturing at your pants, even accidentally. Elaine points out she has been called a target from day one and she completely owns that she will be voting out Noura. Rob loves it. Elaine lays her case against Noura to get out the one the boys want to drag to the end. Elaine really opens up about why she is there (money and adventure) and how rough her life has been recently. Her mother passed away three months before leaving. Everyone is pretty much in tears, even Boston Rob. TinyTank once again captures my heart by being so amazing to another person that I wish she would adopt me (even though we are about the same age). She hugs Elaine (I hope she asked permission first!) and speaks to her directly, telling her that in times of darkness she has always known there is light on the other side and that Elaine will get there, in her head and in her heart. It is so lovely and kind and so very, very Janet. Elaine says dreams are still alive, until Probst snuffs her torch. So Jeff says, “That is true. And with that…” and he gestures to her. Elaine finishes the sentence,”…it is time to vote.”

Time to tally the votes.

Elaine.

Noura.

Elaine.

Nora.

Elaine.

Elaine. That’s enough. Hugs and love from Janet and Lauren, who is red-eyed with tears. Elaine asks Probst for a hug after her snuffs her torch and Sandra declares her love for Elaine as well, which Sandra is not always quick to do. That says something right there. She wanders off down the path to food and clean clothes and Survivor stardom.

However, the show is not quite over yet. On Day 36, Probst makes his way down the beach to the camp, shocking everyone just by showing up. Jeff says he needs to share some news, causing TinyTank to look around and ask, where is Dan? Probst barrels on with his mission: a decision was made, Dan won’t be coming back to camp, won’t be on jury, he is gone, gone, gone. TinyTank realizes that “real world” things have come into the game, while Tommy is scrambling to figure out how to reshuffle his playing cards. An informational slide is thrown up at the end, and all it says is that Dan was removed from the game for another “incident” that happened off-camera and did not involve a player. So, more taint to mar what started out as a fantastic season and leave a bitter taste in our mouths as viewers and as fans.

I am as disappointed in Season 39 as my mother was when I majored in art.

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Magpie   

I am totally diverted by the possibility that you majored in art, since I did exactly that. And look where it got us... caretakers of a cartoon hamster! *FIST*

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