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Survivor 37 - Episode 3 - "Nobody Roots For Goliath."

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The mood is blue after tribal council at the David beach. Davie has no clue what happened other than he got played, but the one who has the worst blues, other than the nightvision camera, is Carl the lanky truck driver. He is, of course, crying because that is what the David tribe does, apparently. If they had to paint a new tribe flag it would just be the crying emoji. Carl’s reasoning is that Jessica was like a pseudodaughter to him and losing her made him miss his real life daughter all that much more. Which, okay, but dude. You are a long haul truck driver and are used to being away from your family. You knew Jessica for six days. That is not enough time to have a break down!

The stupidly named alliance of Mason-Dixon, aka Nick the Hick and Christian the Walking Geek Stereotype, celebrate their “victory” of voting out a little girl. Christian makes sure to lay all the blame on Gabby’s feet to Davie, throwing her completely under the bus and backing it up a few times for emphasis. Nick gloats to the camera and OMFG WHAT IS HE GROWING IN HIS ARMPITS? Good Lord, Nick’s armpit hair is longer than Cher’s best wig from the 70s. It is furrier than a labradoodle. I am not a huge advocate for manscaping but if Nick’s pits aren’t a call to action with some Nair and a waxing strip, I don’t know what is. Anyway, the two of them totally agree to throw Gabby under the bus with the rest of the tribe, which they do successfully throughout the episode. Bi suspects Davie flipped on their alliance, but feels Gabby’s betrayal was personal. Nick plays right into that while they are out on a raft as Elizabeth attempts spear fishing. I hope she was doing the fishing as the best swimmer because as the most…uh…buoyant gal, getting down under the water takes a lot more energy than someone with a denser body mass. Trust me on this. I’ll never drown.

On the Goliath tribe, John catches a fish! And by fish, I mean a colorful minnow. He gets a lot of kudos and realizes the experience is about growing as a person and remembering what it is to be a human, rather than the Mayor of Slamtown. Perhaps it is when Jeremy tells John that he has never seen a wrestling match in his life that John realizes being the mayor of a place in his head is not a long-term career choice. Naw, he razzes Jeremy for spending his time studying and becoming an attorney. What a waste of time! Meanwhile, NataliE needs a knot tied and bellows – there is no other word for it – for Alec to come running and tie a knot. Seriously, lady? You can’t even do a square knot? I guess that is not a skillset when you job description is Head Bitch in Charge. John smartly realizes that keeping NataliE is good for his own game, but also that preventing her from shooting herself in the foot is going to be a challenge.

Mike and Jeremy try their hand at crabbing and Mike tells us that he likes everyone on his tribe, but is bonding the most with Jeremy. They do seem to get a kick out of each other’s humor and that is always a nice thing to find: people who share your jocularity. Jeremy tells Mike about his father, who has early-onset Alzheimer’s and how much it makes Jeremy miss fishing with his dad and is sad that his father cannot see how successful he has become as an attorney and playing Survivor. That is such a hard thing to experience and I do admire Jeremy for not being entirely weighted down by his father’s ordeal. On the other hand, Jeremy is, as Mike tells us, his own worst enemy. Sneaking around and finding someone's hidden idol, talking game to everyone, constantly strategizing, which we see often in tonight’s episode, does nothing but put a giant bullseye on Jeremy’s back. And since Goliath has no shortage of strong males, Jeremy has made himself expendable for his mouth alone. As Mike puts it, he gets the sense that Jeremy will do anything for the money. Dude, have you ever WATCHED Survivor? That’s the whole point of the game! Sorry, Mike, not everyone has stupid Hollywood money in their Swiss bank accounts.

Immunity challenge time! Also, deluge time. The rain is horrendous. Not quite Panama-City-Hurricane-Michael but pretty darn close. Probst is wearing a Behr Paint Cowgirl Blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. He announces it is day nine and there is cheering, which surprises Jeff. You know what surprises me, Probst? That Elizabeth with her big old Stetson is the only joker out there with a hat. Seriously, are they all just stupid? Did they not bring hats with them? The rain is coming down so hard, not all of them can even keep their eyes open for more than a few seconds. On the plus side, Dan, aka FatSwat, looks absolutely miserable so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. Okay, on to the challenge. It is another multipart one. One player from each tribe will maneuver their way through an obstacle attached to a rope with a carabiner. Once through the obstacle and back on the mat, three other tribe members will have to untangle three ropes, getting themselves to the finish. Then they will use rings to try and hook a sled and pull it to the mat. On the sled is a spatial puzzle where two tribe members will have to put it together to make a pyramid. In addition, there is a reward. Prost asks if they want to see the reward and a HUGE crack of lightning rips across the sky. Jeff delights in the drama of the moment. He uncovers the reward and it is luxury: blankets, chairs, pillows. Everyone is very excited about it. Since Goliath has two extra tribe members, they have to decide who will sit out. There is some discussion but eventually Angelina and NataliA sit out because CutABitchFace wants to do the puzzle. I’m sure that will go well.

Survivors ready? GO! The obstacle part is a rematch between Alec for Goliath and Bi for David. Poor Bi was smoked the last time, however this is a challenge she can excel at against him. Alec is a big, strong guy but Bi is a tiny, strong girl. That is an advantage on a challenge like this. She is moving along but at one point slips and the camera catches her knee going slightly wonky against the bamboo horizontal bar on the obstacle. It turns out later that she sprained her knee, the same one she previously tore the ACL in a while back. To her credit she keeps on working the rope obstacle and keeps up with Alec, who makes and error and gets tangled up. They get back to their mats at the same time and the tribes are neck in neck for the rope untangle challenge. Nick, Davie and Lyrsa are on David, Jeremy, Kara and Mike are untangling for Goliath. Again they finish at the same time. John and Dan rope the sled first, while Carl and Elizabeth rope for David. At this point, Goliath’s puzzle solvers, CutABitchFace and Alison, have a lead but David is not that far behind, and they have Christian and Gabby. At one point, Goliath’s peanut gallery of NataliA and Angelina are beside themselves because Angelina sees the solution but had to sit out because NataliE wanted to participate. It is a spatial challenge and they solve it reasonably quickly. The Davids are thrilled but the funniest part is the look on the Goliath tribe’s collective face when they realize they just lost. And here they were, planning on winning all the challenges! The Davids are happy and Probst lets Bi know medical is going to take a look at her knee.

Post-challenge finds Goliath, well, not exactly scrambling. NataliE apologizes for not solving the puzzle. She pulls Jeremy aside to ask him for his support, but at the same time disses him for not providing her support from day one. I do seem to recall he tried talking to her how she came across to other people and she dismissed him out of hand. Jeremy tells her that the ship sailed a long time ago and she has no support from any corner of the tribe. Meanwhile, Alison – you know, the OTHER person responsible for solving the puzzle – talks with Angelina and says NataliE has to go since she didn’t solve the puzzle. Okay, and what was your role in this, Dr. Beanpole-Hypocrite? Angelina, whom I have decided I dislike intensely, wants to target Jeremy for being smart, charming, and playing really hard. She tells us that in her day to day life as a financial consultant, she uses manipulation all the time, such as getting out of a speeding ticket or getting a discount at a restaurant and yeah. I hate her. So does this mean she uses manipulation to steer her clients into making financial decisions that benefit her more than them? Because that’s a problem. Also her smug smile makes me want to rub her face in dog poo, which, by the way, I can get for free.

The rest of the pre-Tribal talk is all about Jeremy vs. NataliE. There is some fear brought up by Alec and NataliA about a possible tribe-swap that would make CutABitchFace turn on them, which is a legitimate fear. Speaking of NataliE, she approaches Kara, John and Dan to talk to them and when she tells Jeremy she wants to talk to them privately, he parks his shapely butt right down and says go ahead. She tells him to leave and that only makes him dig his heels in even more. NataliE then tells us she can play lowball too, as she plays on a softball team. A WOMEN’S softball team and I appreciate her clarification because there were questions.

Tribal Council time. Probst is wearing a Behr Paint Treasure Map blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. The Goliath tribe members grab their torches and light the flames, which heroically burn for the entire tribal, even as the heavens open up. I suspect the tears that the Daivd tribe has been shedding all season were saved up and dumped on the Goliaths. Mike tells a funny story about how moving a little basket around as a pillow to make it more comfortable while the cyclone was going on has shown how low his standards have gone. Speaking of low standards, Jeff Probst should never let his hair get this wet because he looks like a bad Vegas lounge singer. The whole tribal is the Jeremy-CutABitchFace show, with the two of them sniping at each other. Jeremy also turns out to be a champion eye roller. He brings up that the game is still a tribal game and NataliE cannot help in challenges, and additionally, she will drop them like yesterday’s news if a tribe swap happens. NataliE claims that she is Goliath Strong, so I fully expect that promise to disappear as soon as the tribes are redistributed. John tells Probst that tonight’s vote is about keeping the tribe strong, and that strong can mean different things.

And with that it is time to vote. Jeff reads them off: N. Cole. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy.   Jeremy. And thus it is a complete blow out. Jeremy gets up and silently goes to Jeff to have his torch snuffed and wander down the path in his red booty shorts. Probst dismisses the Goliaths to go back to camp and think about what they just did. Now we are probably stuck with CutABitchFace until the final tribal council. I am not sure I will be able to hold off on the “She’s a man, baby!” jokes for too much longer.

Next week: Tribe swap! Jeremy tried to warn you people! Also, gforce will be your substitute recapper because he's awesome like that. 

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