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Survivor 37 - Episode 2 - "Focus On Giants and You Stumble."

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Let’s make something clear. Survivor should never, ever, EVER have alliance names. That stupid shit is reserved for Big Brother and history books. You aren’t creating a business, you aren’t bonding with a life partner. Considering the alliances on Survivor have an average lifespan of a sand crab, it seems like a waste of time. But that doesn’t stop a couple of jokers on the David tribe from coming up with one, which we will get to later. First, we have to sit through a night of rain and wind and thunder and lightning, very very frightening to meeeee! What amused me during the night vision camera shots was that the solid shelter built by the late Pat on the David tribe kept them off the ground and as dry as anyone could be in that storm, while the Goliath tribe huddled in a lean-to that looked like an asthmatic coyote could blow it over after puffing on a Benson & Hedges Menthol.

The next morning, Christian the Nerd and Nick the Southern Lawyer in a suit jacket are wandering through the jungle on some nameless errand when Nick brings up he knew he was going since no one talked to him about who to vote out. That was a rookie mistake on the part of the rest of the tribe because you always make the target feel comfortable by telling them someone else is going and they should write down that name. Christian tells us he is glad they didn’t have to vote out Nick because he likes the man. They agree one of the girls has to go when there is an actual vote on the line. Speaking of lines, Nick says they need to come up with an alliance name, and he suggests The Mason-Dixon Line, because, and I quote, “The Mason-Dixon Line goes right over the top of Maryland (where Christian is from) and goes right over the top of Kentucky, where I am from” and *record scratch* What did he just says? Did a man with a juris doctor just contend that the Mason-Dixon Line goes over the top of Kentucky? Idiot. No wonder he wore a suit jacket on Survivor.

You’ll be happy to know the Survivor producers gifted each tribe with a fire making kit and a tarp. I know this is supposed to be “survival” but it really is just a TV show and I don’t have a problem with the tribes getting these two items. They might be there to suffer, but there are limits. Dan on Goliath makes an offhand comment that he now has rice in his belly, so the tribes did get the standard rice ration as well.

Speaking of Dan, he and Kara continue their so-totally-secret showmance. Kara asks where is he keeping the idol that they found (along with NataliA) last week and Dan offhandedly says it is in his jacket pocket. Kara is not happy with that answer because she thinks it should be buried so no one else can find it. Dan poo-poohs the idea because who would be going through his stuff? Jeremy, that’s who. Jeremy, an attorney by trade, has already pegged them as together and tells Alec that he thinks Dan is in a showmance and Kara is in a strategy. She pulls together NataliA and Angelina and the three of them compare notes. NataliA has Alec buzzing around her and Angelina has John, so they figure that is the perfect alliance. They do not come up with a snazzy alliance name, and that is the one nice thing I will say about these three. Seriously, I’m having a visceral reaction to the three of them that hugs the border between dislike and Hitler. They do agree, at least, that CutABitchFace should be the one voted out first, not Mike the Ghost Writer. We get treated to a funny bit where Mike is holding the spearfishing pole over his foot and Jeremy admonishes him not to stab himself in the foot. It looked close. Jeremy has Mike watch out for him while he goes through Dan’s stuff and finds the idol, so Kara was right. Mike is thrilled that Jeremy is cluing him in on what is going on.

Over on the David tribe, Davie, who caught the octopus last week, continues his hunt for food in order to become the provider for his tribe, since his professional skills as a social media poster are sorely underutilized on a deserted island. He tells us he walks around a lot looking for sustenance, but always keeps his eyes open and it pays off as he spots a fallen tree with some unusual vines draped over it. He heads over and finds an orange string wrapped around the log under the vines and that leads him to the immunity idol. I’m impressed because the cameras weren’t even focused right on the spot where the idol was hidden!

At camp, Carl is not found of the idea of getting rid of Nick and he, stupidly, brings up getting rid of Lyrsa on the next vote. Stupidly because he says it in front of Elizabeth who is aligned with Lyrsa, who immediately goes to let her alliance member in on the news. Lyrsa quite rightly points out she made it through the first challenge and they won that, but really she won that because Christian is a weird slide puzzle genius so maybe dial back the self praise a bit there, girl. I’m with Carl, but for different reasons. I’d vote her out because then I wouldn’t be compelled to stare at all her face piercings. It's like a car wreck. I can't look away. Apologies to those of you with facial hardware, but if we were face to face, we'd never make eye contact because I'd just be staring at your piercings. #SLOWOLD

Goliath is having its own issues with deciding who to vote out if they should lose the immunity challenge. The issue is not immediately voting CutABitchFace/NataliE out right now. The rest of the tribe has fun, laughing and wandering around while NataliE tries to get them to thing about improving the shelter. She is suggesting the palm fronds could be redone and strengthened (not by HER, you understand), and Dan (whom we know is an idiot) says, “Well if the weather stays like this we should be fine.” CutABitchFace gives him an incredulous look for about three seconds then snorts derisively at this ludicrous suggestion. I’m totally on her side, but Dan looks taken aback, like he did not get a participation trophy. It is totally amusing. NataliE is so deluded that she actually believes she is getting along with the rest of the tribe. John the wrestler thinks working with CutABitchFace is a good idea and clues Natalie in on her impact on the rest of the tribe, so what is her reaction? To go and confront the other tribemembers about wanting her out. Not a good way to lay low. Also, her facial expression (there is only one) seriously scares me. Jeremy decides he is going to talk to her because he’s a lawyer and he is used to dealing with difficult people. He lays it on the line and tells NataliE that she lacks self-awareness, which she dismisses immediately. Jeremy tries again and pulls the race card. He says that he is black and she is black so they have a certain kinship to watch out for each other and he tries again to talk about self-awareness with the same results as earlier. Then he tells us later that “she has been married for twenty four years and that tells me someone loves her as she is and that she is not going to change.” I kind of love that observation from Jeremy.

Immunity Challenge time! Probst is wearing a Behr Paint Charter Blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. He lets Goliath get a look at David to see who was voted out and there is some muttering about not expecting Pat to be the one to go. Then Probst drops the bomb and explains about the medical evacuation. They are properly shocked. He also tells them that the weather they experienced was a cyclone and no one is shocked by that one. Jeff warns them there may be more on the horizon, but in the meantime, challenges need to be explained. One this one, which is both reward (fishing gear) and immunity (ghost tiki idol), one member of each tribe will ascend a tower, using only two rungs to make a ladder up the tower. Once at the top, they will retrieve a key to unlock a boat, paddle out to a floating platform and retrieve bags of puzzle pieces hanging from a tall pole on the platform. At the finish they will solve a block puzzle on a wobbly table, so four tribe members have to hold ropes steady while the slowly make their way up to the wobbly table and back again.

Survivors ready? GO! And immediately I have to ask WTF was the David tribe thinking? Bi is their tiniest tribe member and she has a hard time getting the rungs out from the post holes in order to move up the tower. They are so far behind once she gets the key that the Davids are just unlocking their boat when the Goliaths are getting back. The Davids do get back with their pieces while the Goliaths are still working on theirs so it was conceivable that the Davids could catch up, but after an hour, the Goliaths finish and the Davids barely have four pieces of the puzzle on their wobbly tables. It is a decisive victory for Goliath. I think David needs to start looking for that slingshot pretty soon.

Pre-tribal finds the Davids doing a post-mortem on their loss. Bi is talking about …. something, I don’t know because she has either a mole or a scab on her clavicle and I can’t stop trying to figure it out. In other news, Lyrsa is insistent she is not the weakest player. Elizabeth suggests voting out Jessica as someone who gets along well both Carl and Bi, and she takes the idea to Gabby. Christian wanders up and is open to the suggestion, which leads to a funny segment where Christian and Gabby are sitting on the beach and Gabby asks him, in a rather little girl voice, “Do you want to play with me?” We can see Christian’s mind start spinning a million miles a minute as he repeats, “Play with you? … In the sand?” No, she corrects him, in the game. Oh, Christian. So close to getting your first kiss. I guess it will take a little while longer now.

Tribal Council, night six. The setting is a doozy, set up like an abandoned temple ruin, with firepots burning merrily away on the top of the “ruins.” Fire, as you know, represents life and Probst, as you know, represents Behr Paint Brilliant Blue shirt, for those keeping score at home. Since Jeff was thwarted of his tribal council the previous time, he goes back to the beginning of their time on the island so far. They all agree going through what they did with the storm especially has bonded them. The rest of the conversation is Lyrsa saying she knows she is a target, Jessica saying you have to play this game to win a million dollars, and Bi saying she knows she is voting based on performance, and Christian looking like Gloria Swanson playing Norma Desmond as he leans back and looks at Probst like Nerdboy is ready for his close up. And with that, it’s time to vote.

Probst goes to tally the votes. Lyrsa Jessica. Lyreca. Jess. Lyrsa. Lyrsa. Jess. Jessica. Jess. And with that, the nineteen year old blonde is voted off. I don’t mind because she really only brought crying to the game and I get that enough watching the news every night.

Next week, Carl is crying and Jeremy suddenly becomes CutABitchFace. I’m going to need a beer.

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16 hours ago, MrsGryn said:

Then he tells us later that “she has been married for twenty four years and that tells me someone loves her as she is and that she is not going to change.” I kind of love that observation from Jeremy.

Very astute indeed.

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