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Survivor 35 - 10/11/2017 - If You Act Like an Ass, You Are Going To Get Wiped

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Third episode in and we’ve got more filler than a cheap crabcake from the local truck stop. This should be fun!

Hustlers the morning after tribal. Somehow, Simone left behind a wardrobe bigger than a carry-on can hold and the rest of her former tribe are dividing it up. And by dividing it up, I mean Ryan has come out as a cross dresser. Simone’s knee high boots zip up his skinny legs perfectly and her mauve jacket clashes perfectly with his red turtleneck and Patrick’s hair. At some point in the episode, it looks like Ryan has grown more teeth. This supports my theory that he is an enchanted shark who must complete an impossible task before returning to the sea. I suspect that task is “get a girlfriend.”

As Aly and Lauren do a post tribal review session in the shallow lagoon, Patrick and Ryan discuss which female they should vote off at the next tribal council. The answer is Lauren the “old lady” since she doesn’t fit in, what with being so very, very old at the age of thirty five. Also working against her is that she has a child. What an outlier. Lauren makes her case to the very sensible Aly that Patrick is a wild card and even Devon agrees with her when he joins them in the lagoon-bathtub. The ginger’s erstwhile ally, Aly, laments privately that Patrick just blurts stuff out at tribal council and she has a hard time getting him to control himself. So…they’re married?

Baby whale in the water! So cute! Over on the Heroes tribe, we check in again with Ben and his boss, Chrissy. The entire segment is based on which of the other three they want to take on as their third alliance member. Alan is trying to chop open a coconut and the machete is dangerously close to his fingers. One simple slip and we get a visit from Cute British Doctor. Come on, machete! Ashley tries to distance herself from JP with Ben, but he doesn’t buy the claptrap she is selling. Anyway, the rest of this segment is boring and has no bearing on the rest of the show, so is everyone good with me fast forwarding? Good.

Healers beach. For some reason, the music played for the Healers tribe is decidedly heroic. Someone pressed the wrong cue button for this segment. Notable during this bit is that Jess is a thirty year old virgin who comes from a “super religious” background, and she has an annoyingly high-pitched giggle. Luckily Cole is partially deaf and falls for her hard. Enough so that he tells her about Joe’s idol. Jess is thrilled because knowing a secret is power in the game. She even gave Cole a kiss on the cheek! I think that’s second base for her.

Hustlers are going to hustle. Patrick wanders off in the jungle to search for the hidden immunity idol. It make Sharkboy Ryan suspicious and distrustful, but Pat doesn’t care. Aly tries talking to him about how it looks to everyone else, and that seems to somehow get translated in his thick head as losing his personality. It is a fairly spectacular leap in logic, but hey, Patrick, if your number one goal is to be entirely yourself rather than win a million dollars, by all means keep refusing to listen to the one person who actually has your back on this show. He talks to us for a bit about his moving company back home and he honestly sounds like Forest Gump’s dumber brother.

Quick trip to the Healers tribe. They are cooking sliced potatoes in the pot. Just the potatoes. No water to soften and cook them, with a tiny bit of seawater for the salt. Joe is not happy with the potatoes and claims they are raw, so even though Desi is right in front of him and says she will eat it, he chucks the potato in the jungle. He bitches and complains, and Desi tells him that he can cook next time. Joe declines and keeps complaining. For some reason this triggers Cole to realize that Joe has the power in this game. He thinks the best course of action is to tell Roark and then Desi that Joe has the idol and Jess is unhappy. Cole floats his idea of purposely blindsiding Joe and the girls are on board with that. Jess, who is already married to Cole, is mad that he did not consult her so they could make this decision together. Because somehow it’s Jess’s call? Take a step back, girl.

Immunity and Reward challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar Crystal Sea shirt, for those keeping score at home. It is another multi-part challenge where the tribes will make their way through an obstacle course (over-under, then up a frame and down a cargo net), knock a series of blocks off a beam, then pile all the blocks in a single stack. First tribe to finish wins immunity and three hens and one rooster, while the second place tribe wins immunity and a dozen eggs. Third tribe to finish leaves with a date for tribal council. Since the Healers have one extra person, Dr. Mike sits out the challenge. Survivors ready? GO!

The obstacles are quickly dispatched and my favorite part was watching Alan, the former NFL player, attack the cargo net part. He leaps to grab the top, hauls himself up with ease and is running down the net like it was a pile of sand. Very impressive to say the least. Heroes are finished with the obstacles first and Ben starts throwing the sandbags at the blocks while the rest of the tribes are still on the cargo net. Healers and Hustlers finally start tossing and Patrick is throwing for the Hustlers with Cole tossing for Healers. JP takes over for Ben and later Joe takes over for Cole. Patrick ignores Lauren’s attempts to take over for him and keeps throwing. Healers knock their blocks down first, followed closely by the Heroes. Patrick is visibly tired and his throws lack any strength behind them. He keeps missing and the rest of the tribe keeps asking him to switch out, which he pointedly ignores. Finally he manages to get the last block down and they fall to stacking blocks, far behind the rest. Healers think they have finished their stack but Jeff just tosses a big denial in their direction (“Something is not right! No!”), while they try to figure out what went wrong.  This gives the Heroes time to finish first while the Healers discover they have a missing block (message from Magpie: “This is how surgical instruments get left in people”), and they manage to get it stacked before the Hustlers finish. Jeff can’t help himself and needles the Larry Flynt tribe by asking how it feels going back to tribal. Patrick says they all like each other and it’s going to be depressing. Then Lauren cements my appreciation by saying, “Yeah but we’re going.” She is grumpy because apparently she has been playing softball for twenty five years and claims she can hit a catcher in the forehead. Raise your hand if this surprises you. Put your hand down, Patrick Gump.

Speaking of which, Pat has a sad moment back in camp. He apologizes several times and everyone else is nice about it. Sorry, almost everyone else. Lauren is still pissed he didn’t let her toss sandbags and walks down to the beach after telling him he cannot justify not changing out during the challenge. Once she is out of earshot, Pat brings up voting her out. Devon assures Pat that they are voting Lauren out. This makes Patrick comfortable enough to go talk to Lauren and make sure she enjoys the rest of her time on the island. He approaches her to once again apologize and she tells him directly it was his fault for ignoring her and Aly when they tried to get him to switch out. He pretends he isn’t voting her out and grins at her like the idiot he is. Lauren decides she isn’t going out without a fight and talks to Ryan. Hilariously, she tells the bellhop that he’s the oddball and she’s the old lady. No, he’s not an oddball, he is an enchanted shark! Surprisingly, the most logical thought process come from Devon the surfer dude. He reasons that losing challenges has been a direct result of Patrick choking, while Lauren is very steady and reliable.

Tribal council time. Probst is wearing a Valspar Cool Bluegrass shirt, for those keeping score at home. I’m not going to lie. The tribal council session was a jumble of words, many of which did not make sense in the order in which they were proffered. What we learn from tribal is that Ryan the bellhop has never been in a relationship. Perhaps we can fix him up with Jess the Virgin? Anyway, other things learned: Lauren has not looked for the idol while Patrick does nothing BUT look for the idol. Probst has an intimate knowledge of relationship therapy.  Lauren never believed a redhead a day in her life. The tribe does not know the meaning of the word “blindside” because they keep using it incorrectly. Several tribe members will be voting on re-establishing the chemistry on the tribe. Patrick thinks his talent is making friends and he always welcomes criticism. Finally, a message from Tsylyst: “I feel like I’m getting stupider watching this.” And with that, it’s time to tally the votes.

Patrick. Lauren. (tense music begins.) Patrick. Patrick. And with that Patrick is voted out. His smile immediately goes away and he stares daggers at Devon and Ryan. As he picks up his torch, he tells his erstwhile tribe that they are awful, and he gives them another death glare as he leaves by the Path of Losers. Way to take it like an adult, you hyperactive nutball.

Next week: Drop! Your! Buff!

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