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Sept. 22 - Finale, aka: Steaming Pile of Hamster Poop

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Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Fisty has turned on the "Fasten Seat Belt” sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please find your seat and fasten your seat belt, then make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position.

If you are seated next to an emergency exit, you’re damned lucky.


Please be reminded this is a non-smoking flight. However, drinking of alcoholic beverages is strongly, encouraged. Recommended, even. Now hold on tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.


Making the most of her sponsorship by Motherhood Maternity, Julie Chen welcomes us to the finale of Big Brother. Those ruffles aren’t fooling us one bit! Trick the eye, my ass.


But first! A stopover to the land of previouslies. My spellcheck corrected that to “previous lies”, which seems about right.


Back to the studio, where Chenbot directs us to the conclusion of the HOH contest, part 1. The cats are clawing, climbing, and digging their way around the endurance/obstacle course. James says endurance comps are his thing. He’s a damned liar, of course, so I have zero faith he will win this. Also, I don’t care.


Paul and Nicole easily keep pace with James here. This is actually a cute comp. Would be more fun with actual kitty litter and turds, though. I would enjoy watching them scoop poop. Without a scooper, of course. Paul could sift it with his beard. Nicole with her bun. And James, with what little dignity he has left.


Finally, Paul wins. Nicole is disappointed. She thinks it's sketch that James fell off right after she did. James is also disappointed. He says he really did want to win. He deems it, “fustrating”. He really is that dumb.

Now back to the Live! Studio! where Julie plugs the upcoming BBOTT, which approximately no one gives a shit about.


After a commercial layover, we are served an in-flight video of the HOH, Part 2 comp, at the BB Adventure Park. It looks like an amusement park. Without the, you know, amusement.


Nicole nasals her way through the instructions to the comp, called, “Snapback” or "Flapchat" or "No one gives a flying fuck".


Basically, Nicole and James will have to read a clue, then race to the top of the rollercoaster to retrieve a photo of 3 houseguests who match the clue. Their pictures are placed in a rollercoaster car, then shoved down a hill. Then, Nicole and James will have to press the button to take a picture of the HGs in their car at just the right moment as it’s careening down the hill. It’s just as dumb as it sounds.


There are no restraints in the car, which makes me think it would have been way more of an amusing park with live HGs, being pushed to certain doom. At some point, the HOH competition must also run through a queue line comparable to Space Mountain. No FastPass for you, bitches!


There are more instructions, but I don’t give a crap. This a volunteer position, yo. I even have to pay for my own upgrades!


Nicole goes first. She sends the first group of HGs down, complete with canned screaming. I actually enjoyed that part. The screaming, that is.


Nicole calls this competition “brutal”, comparing it to an endurance comp. How the hell do you think angelmi feels after recapping you every day this summer, biznitch?! She finishes and thanks OGG she studied.


James is up next. He says the comp is superportent. Sorry, I don’t speak Hilljack.


He pushes the former HGs down the hill in their car, takes the photo, runs through the queue. Checking the photo, the car isn’t even in it, so he has to re-do. After doing it again, he realized he got HG incorrect, so he has to do it again. It truly is brutal. I approve.


The comp is mercifully over. Paul reveals the timed results. James finishes in 19:06. Too bad he wasn’t having sex with Natalie. I’m sure he could have shaved off 19 minutes from his finish.


Nicole’s time is 7:24. Basically, she destroyed him. Alas, only figuratively.


In the DR, after revealing Nicole’s win, Paul says he’s “stoked.” By that, I think he means he’s a “freak of nature”, but I don’t have my thesaurus handy.


Paul thinks Nicole deserves to be in the finale way more than James, because she’s worked her butt off to be there. If by, “butt”, he means Cory, then yes. Yes, she did.


Paul doesn’t want to reward James for doing nothing, but feels he can beat both of them in the end. Frankly, I’d like to beat all three of them. With my size 9 Doc Martens, that is.


We land on the Chenbot, who announces Dr. Will and the divided jury are up next to weigh in on the F3. Also, America’s Fave will win a $25K prize later. I have zero faith in “America”, for what it’s worth. My vote would be for Zingbot. Poor dude gets robbed every year.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Fisty has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you.”


We’ve a layover on Sequester Island, where Will Kirby feels the need to introduce himself to the evictees. He asks who they feel will be joining them next as the 8th member of the jury. I hear the names of Paul, Nicole, and Corey thrown out, but not James.


Cory appears, as Paulie wets himself a little. Zakiya is sad. Michelle, Natalie, Bridgette, and Da’ appear to be quite happy as Coco and Paulie dry hump in front of them all.


Corey relates his final moments in the house. Many of the couchguests seem happy about Paul’s win to secure his spot in the F3. Blah blah blah… Cory and Nicole on the maccakes...James votes Cory outcakes… Cory is pissedcakes.


Will wants to talk about James and asks why James deserves to win the game. Natalie speaks up, sounding much like a Pekingese would. She feels he didn’t give anyone a reason to put him on the block. He also didn’t give FUG a reason to put him back on BB, but here we are.


Moochelle claims to have gone from hating James’ guts to absolutely loving him. Much like she did with potato chips. And whole milk. And bologna...


With a straight face, (okay, Botoxed), Will asks about the strongest part of James’ game. Bridgette says, “getting blood on his hands.” Zak says he “flew under the radar”. I say, “HE WORE CAMOUFLAGE. DUH!" Da’ is unimpressed. She wants to see HGs take a risk. Victor says James did nothing. Cory says James had been checked out the last 6 weeks, following Natalie around like a puppy. Very rich, there, Coco.


Most of them feel that Paul has played a great game. The ladies feel that he was a big liar, though played a good social game. He won comps. Will comments that he was a well-rounded player. Cory feels Paul used Vic as a shield. Says he was basically a middle-of-the-road player, being not great nor bad. You know, when his mouth isn’t covering Nicole’s or Paulie’s, words actually come out of his mouth and it makes me more than a little stabby.


Vic defends his friend, concluding that Paul was on the block 6 times, he got off the block when he needed to, and "he was cool with just about everybody. But then, he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind”. Oh, Victor. I like to call what Paul does, “speaking your ass.”


Of course Da’ has an opinion. She says Paul the player is phenomenal. But… Paul the person? He sucks donkey balls, according to the other HGs. Vic defends, saying Paul owned it, at least.

Listen, I own to being a snarky bitch. That still makes me snarky. And a bitch.


Natalie says the word out of his mouth are fairly unforgivable. Can you even imagine what they would think of the recappers here at HT? I seriously just lol’d. That’s entertainment, folks! Love it, or chew your arm off in the morning after you’ve used it for a good time.

Natalie defends all of the F3, saying the each earned their way there. Will asks Moo what Nic’s best move was, and why she should win the game. Moo passes the question to the next person, because she can’t think of a good answer. Remember back in the beginning when Moo reminded us of Nicole, and some even thought they were related? I mean, I guess that could still be true. And just as unfortunate for everyone involved.


Da’ thinks Nic’s biggest move was convincing the others to vote her out. Paul nods. Michelle gains favor with me by saying “that’s a sad Biggest Move.” Paulie blowhards that not only did Nicole keep herself safe, but she kept the person closest to her safe. As he points to Cory. Who is NO LONGER SAFE. He also praises her for winning comps.


Not giving Nic credit for much, Moo points out that Nic had barely any competition when she did start winning. Crazy Eyes Cory agrees with Paulie: Nicole is THE BEST beard, ever.


Oh, burn! Natalie says instead of taking out a big threat, Nic took out Michelle! Cory disagrees, saying it was a Big Moooove. Michelle balks at this, saying it was personal. Cory says it absolutely was not.


The wheels begin to fall off the jury aircraft when Michelle asks why they’re all looking at her. Says she’s going to cry. Will asks Michelle, point blank, if she went into the house not liking Nicole. Michelle asks to change the subject. He points out that Moo has a very strong opinion of Nic. Moo says she doesn’t feel Nicole did anything. Cory disagrees. She says he keeps giving her an ugly smile, which she corrects to “makes me really upset”. Then she begins to cry.

I cannot even with this one. She is seriously damaged. Even my 8 year-old doesn’t resort to tears every time she feels out-smarted. Judging by what I saw on the feeds the last couple of days, Paul hates Michelle the most. Therefore, I want Paul to win. There. I said it.
And, I have a pretty solid reason, too.


Will turns to Bridgette and asks he what she thinks. Aww, that’s cute! He gives her credit for thinking! She giggles something about someone.


Da’ reminds us Nicole isn’t her “cup of tea”, but obviously Nicole now has her vote. She calls Nic Gepetto, and the rest a collective Pinocchio. As in BIG, FAT LIARS, I would guess!


Moo is still of the opinion that Nic did not outplay Paul or James. I’m of the opinion I never want to see Big Moo again.


Back on the runway, Chenbot explains how the audience can impact the upcoming BBOTT season. She gives us an example by showing us a live shot of BB17’s “Self-proclaimed Big Brother Superfan, Jason”, (NOOOOO!), and BB18’s “self-proclaimed messiah, Jozea”(GAAAHHHH!), whom we will apparently *get* to decide between to be the final HG.


Jason throws so much shade to Jozea, I instantly choose him as the Tribute. Never in a million years did I think I’d select Jason as a HG, but there it is.

It’s time for the final HOH to be decided. Nicole and Paul are perched on the (retread) Scales of Just Us comp. The contestant will guess the answers to questions asked of members of the jury. For a full recap, go… elsewhere.


Paul wins Part 3, meaning he wins the Final HOH.


In the event of an emergency, please assume the bracing position. Lean forward with your hands on top of your head and your elbows against your thighs. Ensure your feet are flat on the floor. Basically, put your head up your own ass.


We are finally taken, live, to the habitrail, where Paul is reminded he will win at least $50k. His mind, it is blown. He is asked to evict either James or Nicole.


Paul casts his vote to evict. Something about James stabbing him in the back and he can’t take him so Nicole gets taken by default I hear the studio audience’s surprise reaction. Nicole, in her Mary Ann costume stands and picks out her wedgie, while Paul and James hug it out.


James leaves, after joking to cruise with Pablo II. James heads to his Chenterview. Julie seems unimpressed. I don’t care what James has to say, nor should you. Julie dares to ask about his relationship with Natalie, as we all have a good laugh. Keeping the interview appropriately short, Julie sends James off to be the final member of the jury.

It’s difficult to believe I’m only 2/3 of the way into this steaming pile of a finale. For the three of you still reading, (hi jak! Oh shit, I shouldn’t say that on an airplane!), I applaud your dedication. Your fortitude. Your ban sticks. (Hi mags and Mrs. G!)


“Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your seat backsand tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you.


The jury enters, and Julie announces the final juror will join them. Mixed reviews await Jamsey, as he wastes no time running over to slobber on Natalie. Julie explains how Paul won the final HOH, earning the right to evict James. She then reviews the final voting process, reminding them they will be asking questions of the F2.


In past years, I’ve recapped the actual questions and answers, but I really can’t bring myself to care much this season. Basically, they’re the usual questions, with Paul yellshouting his answers, and Nicole nasalwhining hers. Another commercial break allows me the opportunity to contemplate one final glass of wine. Or seven.


“Recappers, prepare for landing please.”
“HT crew, please take your seats for landing.”


It’s time for the F2 to speechify why they should win.


Paul: Yep, I’m loud. You knew that going into the house. Yep, I was on the block 6 times and won when I had to. I’m here now and teamed up with the right people…. and so on. I had loyalty with Victor, and no care package to help me. I won my way to where I am, along with other key wins. I’m the last new player standing, among 2 vets, and I won 2 of the 3 final HOH contests, along with 7 total comp wins. I stayed true to myself and never broke the #1 rule: Friendship.


Nicole: Makes a snake joke. As a superfan, she’s just happy to be sitting in F2. Talks about pit stains. Rehashes Cory’s line about playing BB not Big Baby, (again). Laid in bed with Cory all season… strategy, winning comps… played with hair.

Julie gives final Jury instructions.

Da’ votes first, then Zak, then Bridgette, then Paulie, then Moo, then Natalie, then vic, (who made everyone laugh by joking about going back into the house at any second), Cory stammers through his part, then like a dumbass, forgets to take his key pouch with him, and finally, James is up last. He votes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Captain Fisty has instructed everyone to prepare for an emergency landing. Every hamster for themselves!


Oh yeah, I forgot about this part. Glenn, Tiffany, Frank, Bronte, and Josea are on-stage, but not allowed to speak, thankfully.


It’s time to determine the winner. Fucking finally!

James voted for Paul
Cory voted for Nicole
Victor voted for Paul
Natalie voted for Nicole
Michelle voted for Paul
Paulie voted for Nicole
Bridgette voted for Paul
At this point the F2 look like they’re going to puke. So does Chenbot, though that tends to happen in your first trimester.
Zak voted for Nicole
Being tied at 4-4, Da’s vote is the tie-breaker.
Da’ voted for….

Nicole. The winner of BB18


Crash-landing, indeed.


The saving grace of this season is that Victor won America’s Favorite HG, (with James and Natalie also in the running), with 4 million votes. He says being evicted 3 times wasn’t all bad.


And with that, we’ll see you Over the Top, folks!


Oveur, Oveur!

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