May 13 - #FinaleAtLast: Santa Barbara

[Tsylyst]

Still racing:

Dana & Matt – Dancemance

Tyler & Korey – Chuckles

Sheri & Cole – SUCK (Shut Up Cole Kid)

Eliminated:

Marty & Hagan – PlaneJanes

Darius & Cameron – Stunted

Jessica & Brittany – Fashtags

Erin & Joslyn – Cleaver

Scott & Blair – DaddysGirl

Zach & Rachel – Magic

Kurt & Brodie – Discheads

Burnie & Ashley – Gallus

This season seems like it's lasted forever. Or maybe that's just because the "previously" segment is lasting longer than I will remember half these teams once the clock strikes 9 p.m. tonight. Let's get on with it, Phil!

After the usual "we're going to win this thing" pre-leg boasting, Dysfunctional Dancemance, Chuckles the Clowns and SUCK With The Luck are headed to Los Angeles (in first class, no less) where they will make their way to Angelus Plaza.

ROADBLOCK: Leap of Faith (Sheri, Matt, Tyler)

One team member must climb to the top of a skyscraper and leap off to grab their clue mid-air, then rappel down the side to meet their other team member. If they miss, they have to keep doing it until they get it.

Chuckles ran right past the clue and instead climbed halfway up the building to search for it, meaning Dancemance and SUCK pass them.

Dancemance's Matt gets it on the first try, and Sheri is having a minor meltdown because of the jump. She missed it on her first try because she really didn't jump out as much as she stepped off the platform. This gives Chuckles the chance to pass, but Tyler also misses. Each time they miss, the clue is moved closer so they don't have to jump out as far.

Sheri gets it on the second shot, but Tyler misses again. It takes him the third try to get the clue.

Teams next make their way by helicopter to Santa Barbara where they will find their next clue, which they have to search for using a tiny boat in Santa Barbara Harbor until they find a specific boat where a fisherman will hand them their next clue.

Dancemance has a significant lead, and they've Googled the boat they need to find so they know what to look for and the general area where it is docked. They get the clue pretty quickly, but they had let their taxi go and now they have to wait for one to arrive. That, of course, makes Dana crazy. Because, you know...Dana.

Meanwhile, out on the water, SUCK has passed the boat they are looking for a couple times because Sheri doesn't know how to use Google properly and she thinks the boat is an actual museum on land that they are looking for. Lady, click a link and READ. You're living up to that SUCK name now. But they get their clue and pass Chuckles on the water. Chuckles and SUCK meet back up at the taxis, and are leaving the marina at the same time.

For their next trick, teams will get on ziplines at Gibraltar Rock and each collect half of the next clue while suspended hundreds of feet in the air. That does not sound fun.

Dancemance finishes as SUCK arrives. Their combined clue tells them to go to Grassini Family Vineyards to get their next clue.

Cole, as we have been reminded over and over this season, is terrified of heights. To his credit, that doesn't really slow him down, and they get their clue as Chuckles prepares to start. They don't waste any time, and are headed off to the Vineyards.

At the Vineyards, Dancemance passes the clue box and the editors try to make it seem like that's a big deal. But Dancemance easily has a 20-30 minute lead at this point, so the editors are grasping at straws. We've seen finales where the final teams are neck-and-neck for the entire leg, but this is not one of those seasons.

They "finally" find the clue, and it's time for...

Final Puzzle: (Cole, Dana, Korey)

Each team has an alcove of Grassini Family Vineyards that is lined with wine barrels. There is a stack of barrel lids with letters on them, and the person doing the task has to spell out the names of 9 cities they have visited during the Race. Each clue they've collected along the race has had a hashtag in it, and they will be given the hashtag as a clue for that city name, which they then have to spell.

Dana appears to have finished before any of the other teams arrive, and she passes the test to get the final clue. See, I told you this wasn't going to be one of those seasons.

The Finish Line is right there at the Vineyards, so taxis won't determine the winner of the Race. I approve of that. All those teams I was happy to be rid of are back, whooping it up while Phil stands on the giant mat.

Dana and Matt wander around for a while looking for the lake where the Finish Line is, and the editors try to make it look like SUCK and Chuckles are catching up by breezing through the city puzzle, but again...20 minute lead.

After 18 cities, 10 countries and more than 27,000 miles, Dancemance wins "The Amazing Race" and $1 million.

Phil calls them out for arguing a lot, but they seem to like it that way. They do a little dance there on the mat and everyone that gives a shit claps. So, you know...not me.

SUCK is second to arrive at the mat, leaving Chuckles to fake a smile in third place.

Thanks for reading another season of "The Amazing Race," and see you soon for "Big Brother"!

Final placements:

1 Dancemance

2 SUCK

3 Chuckles

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4 Gallus

5 Discheads

6 Magic

7 DaddysGirl

8 Cleaver

9 Fashtags

10 Stunted

11 PlaneJanes