Dec. 11 – Will You Come Travel With Me?: Macau, China → The Hamptons, New York

[Tsylyst]

One last reminder of the teams:

Paps - Logan & Chris
JustUgh - Justin & Diana
Reporters - Kelsey & Joey
TMZzz - Kelly & Shevonne
Cousins - Alex & Adam
BrokeDancers - Ernest & Jim
TrackStars - Jazmine & Danielle

SmackAttack - Cindy & Rick

Texas - Tanner & Josh

MaBama - Denise & James

Cheerleaders - Tiffany & Krista

 

This season, my recap titles have all been taken from "Song of the Open Road" by Walt Whitman. Go read it sometime. It's probably more interesting than this entire season has been.

Phil and the editors try their best to make this season seem like less of a steaming weasel turd with a super long "This season on 'The Amazing Race' " segment, which includes seven first place finishes for JustUgh and a record-setting five consecutive second-place finishes for the Reporters.

Teams are leaving the final Pit Stop in Macau, China. They are optimistic about this final leg, yadda yadda, you've seen this 26 times before so you know the canned "we're going to win this" junk the cue cards tell them to spew. Thanks to JustUgh, douchery abounds, as per usual. Justin has lived in New York for 20 years and is plenty confident that he'll skip right across that Finish Line first.

Route info: Teams will fly to Long Island, New York.

All teams will be on the same flight, so they will have equal footing when they arrive in New York. Once there, teams take taxis out to an island and a firefighter training facility.

Justin is a dick (what a surprise) to his cab driver and dismisses him instead of paying him $100 to have him wait. He also refuses to give the guy a tip and orders the guy to leave. The guy drives off.

Damn, I was hoping that dude would get out of the cab and just start beating on Justin until he gave him a tip, apologized for being a total asshat and lost a couple of teeth. Oh well, still time in the episode, I guess.

ROAD BLOCK: Fire Drill
One member from each team must enter a firefighter training facility and rescue a dummy. Then they can work on a memory puzzle.

The men from each team will do this task, by their choice. Justin and Chris are neck-and-neck to start and Joey is a couple minutes behind.

This training exercise is no joke. They have to carry a rolled up hose around a course, then climb up into a truck and up the ladder to the third story of a building that is literally on fire. They then have to crawl through a smoky hallway to find a dummy, which they then take down a set of stairs and out to a waiting paramedic.

Once they have delivered their dummy, they make their way to another parked fire truck where there are fire helmets with the titles of the capitol cities of the countries they visited. The helmets must be arranged in the order that they visited the countries.

Though exhausting, this is not a "difficult" task, and the men will exit the building and complete the puzzle in the same order that they arrived. Chris makes a mistake in the puzzle that lets Joey catch up, but that's all the drama there really is before clues are handed out.

Route info: Teams will make their way to the Belmont Stakes and search for their next clue.

Justin got he clue first, and JustUgh realize they made a mistake letting their cab go (or being a giant toolbox and ordering it to go). They try to take the Paps' cab, but the dude is not into this at all. Justin (and then Diana) talk all kinds of shit to him and taunt him by asking "don't you want to make money today?" So the dude literally says "I'm going home," shrugs and drives off.

Damn, I was hoping the cabbie would knock Justin out and run over him a couple of times with the car before driving off. Oh well, still time left in the episode.

JustUgh are in disbelief that their assholic behavior drove someone away as they run off toward the road to try and hail a cab. The Paps then come looking looking for their taxi and find it gone, so they get into the cab that the Reporters have waiting on them.

The cabbie starts to pull away, but Kelsey jumps in the way to block them and Joey throws open the door and orders the Paps to get out. Christ obliges as Logan berates him for being a gentleman about it, saying that they are allowed to steal cabs. So the Reporters get in the cab and head off to Belmont while JustUgh is looking for a cab on the road and Paps back at the building screaming at each other about their own situation.

So much dra-muh!

Both teams get on buses back to the city where they can get a cab. Logan continues to belittle Chris for getting out of the Reporters' cab, and it's foolish. I can't believe they've made it this far in the Race, let alone in life together.

JustUgh is upset, and Justin keeps saying "we made a mistake," when it was HIM that pulled a dick move with the taxi. He's incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions.

As gforce says, both of these teams are so awful that it would be nice if they could both come in third place.

Paps spot a cab and hop out of their bus. But JustUgh realize their bus is going around in circles.

Meanwhile, the Reporters arrive at Belmont and find a jockey with a horse. He hands them the next clue.

Route info: Take a helicopter to the Hamptons and search for the next clue.

Damn, I was hoping the task would be there at the track and somehow Justin would get trampled by a horse. And another horse. And then another horse after that. And then maybe the jockey, just to make sure the job was done. Oh well, still plenty of time left in the episode.

Paps get the second chopper. They're still arguing, about the damn taxi situation. Chris has been so busy fending off Logan's attacks (Literally. At one point, he has to swipe her hand away as she lunges for him.) that he never took his fireman outfit off. He drops trou right there in the middle of the Belmont lawn. Thankfully he's wearing nylon shorts underneath.

JustUgh arrive and realize they are in last place as they race to the final helicopter.

Reporters land in the Hamptons, but their lead looks to be narrowing.

Route info: Take a jet ski out in the ocean to find a marked lobster boat.

Teams will help fishermen haul up seven lobster traps. Then they get a box with country flags that they have to hang in the order they visited them (they can not use notes).

This is a physically draining task to get the lobster pots dragged up from the bottom of the ocean. Then it's mentally draining because if they didn't study flags, they're going to be clueless. *cough*Paps*cough*

Reporters and JustUgh will work together to lift the lobster pots out of the ocean. The Paps' strategy, however, appears to be Chris hauling on the line and Logan standing off to the side screaming at him to do it better. What a ____. I'll let you fill in the blank.

The flag part of this is a real test because there is at least one extra flag that they don't need. That trips up Reporters and Paps. JustUgh, of course, studied every flag in detail, so they have little trouble with this task. Reporters had enough of a lead getting out of the Road Block, however, that they are able to correct their mistake and get their clue first.

Route info: Teams will return to shore and drive dune buggies along the beach to find their next clue.

The Reporters race off. Paps did not study the flags at all during the Race, and Logan keeps talking about the "African flag" as if Africa is a country and not a giant fucking continent. They're basically out of the Race at this point because JustUgh is already headed in toward shore.

Damn, and here I was hoping a giant mutant lobster would drag Justin down into the depths of the sea where he would be fed on by sharks and Ursula and that sort of thing. We're kinda running out of time in this episode here.

Reporters arrive at the final clue box and get their instructions.

Teams have to build six Adirondack chairs by nailing the slats for the seat and back onto existing frames. Each back has an image based on tasks the teams performed during the race. They then have to arrange the chairs in the order they did the tasks.

Reporters are working on their chairs (with Kelsey not being a huge help, it seems) when JustUgh rolls up and Justin starts heckling them because...just...ugh. Diana starts pounding out chairs and I'm guessing she's imagining Justin's head on the end of each nail. I keep hoping that she'll just use that hammer to give him a black eye, but...damn...time's almost up in this episode.

The Reporters have some trouble getting their chairs approved. They have to be built perfectly, which means all the slats have to be evenly spaced and that sort of thing. It takes them several tries, and JustUgh are seeming to close the lead. But JustUgh has a chair wrong, too, and Reporters get their clue first!

The clue sends them to find Phil just off the beach at a Hamptons mansion where he is waiting with a screaming hoard of other teams that you've already forgotten. (Seriously, who ARE some of these people?)

Phil welcomes them to the mat. After 5 continents, 10 countries and more than 34,000 miles, Kelsey and Joey are the winners of $1 million!

First they want to get a house together, then Joey is going to pay off his parents' mortgage. Nice dreams, I guess. Kelsey is happy that they made it through this experience and they don't hate each other.

JustUgh get there eventually, and Justin is bawling about not paying the cabbie to stay. "I don't know if I'm ever going to get over that. To wait years...YEARS...and one stupid mistake..."

We're talking big ol' red-eye, wet cheek tears here people. Dude is ridiculous when he doesn't get his way. He's a toddler, basically. He's acting like someone told him he had to finish all the Brussels sprouts on his plate before he could watch "Dora the Explorer."

On the mat, Justin cuts Phil off and mocks him by sarcastically giving the usual "5 continents, 10 countries" spiel, which prompts looks of "what the hell is happening" from the assembled teams and an awkward beat of silence from Phil before he continues on with their final interview.

Damn, I was hoping Phil would raise an eyebrow and backhand Justin right there in front of everyone. We're seriously running out of time in this episode, people!

Finally, as it starts to get dark, the Paps check in. Guess what they're still arguing about? Yeah, getting out of the taxi so the Reporters could get in. Logan is harassing Chris saying that it's all his fault that they lost since if they had been in that taxi they would have won. Because the taxi somehow also made the Reporters strong enough to haul in the lobster pots and smart enough to remember flags...or something.

Would these two just break up already? Phil reads my mind and asks them why they're still together when they don't seem compatible.

"Maybe we need to go to therapy, maybe that's the next show," Logan says. "We never get to the point where we think 'Maybe I should leave this person..."

"Maybe we should," Chris says in a way that does not at all sound like he's joking. The teams in the crowd have "Oh SHIT!" looks on their faces to match mine, and Logan just huffs.

Justin whines some more about not winning and then we run out of time in the episode for anyone to do Justin physical harm. I'll just have to imagine Texas leading the gang of former Racers to close in on him after the producers yell "CUT!"

"The Amazing Race" returns Feb. 12 with a cast entirely made up of social media "celebrities," which should be all sorts of horrific. Thanks for reading another season of recaps!