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May 21 (Reunion) - ...and the Llama Goeth

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Now that we've wasted 175 minutes on "How Woo Played For Second Place," it's time to get down and dirty with the reunion show. And by "down and dirty," I mean "there's nothing here of any consequence, so this shouldn't take long."

We start with a quick montage of Tony swearing his loyalty on everything from his police badge to his dead dad to the shiny piece of tin foil he used to distract Woo from making the smarter choice at Final Three.

Jeff (or, as I used to call him, "Survivor's Phil" because I never watched this show before this season) welcomes us back to CBS Studio Center in Los Angeles and congratulates Tony on his win. He also explains why his wife is AGAIN absent from the show -- she's on bed rest, expecting their second baby any day now. Looking at the size of Tony's head and shoulders, I feel sorry for that poor woman's lady area.

"She's going to get the pink chandelier, Jeff," Tony says. That's some klassy shit right there. Maybe he can also afford to get her that pair of leopard-print dice she's had her eyes on to hang from her rear-view mirror.

Jeff asks Tony about the fan reaction. "I've been getting a lot of hate tweets, a lot of boos from the audience ... I did what I had to do to advance myself in the game." He's not wrong, but he's still a dick. He says he spent a lot of sleepless nights on the island. When Jeff probes further, Tony responds that "Every single night from Day 1, I did not sleep at night. I slept six hours a week at most." That explains some of the paranoia.

He had parasites in his stomach when he got home and was off work for three months trying to get better. Must have been that "beef bacon."

Jeff turns to Trish, who looks like a woman tonight. That reassignment surgery is coming along nicely. Tony explains his reasoning for booting Trish. Woo would have been able to help him beat Spencer in the next challenge and Trish wouldn't have, so he chose his stronger ally. He says his message when he held up her name at Tribal was "Trish please forgive me, this was purely strategic."

Trish says "I was really hurt, for, like, five minutes." They're friends and he texts her 15 times a day now. That's not creepy at all.

Jeff turns then to Kass. She says Tony was like her jerky brother. They're talking now. Tony then insults her game. Jeff then does the only good bit of hosting he will do tonight and asks "Will you just, for, like, 15 seconds, talk llama to Kass?" Tony turns to her and does what sounds like a cross between the Afghanimals ululating and the noise that comes out of a guy's mouth when his dick gets caught in his zipper. It's mildly fantastic, and the most interesting thing that will be heard for the rest of this show.

Also, Tony makes more sense when he's speaking llama than when he's speaking...well, I wouldn't call it English, exactly.

Sarah, the lady cop, is pregnant too. Jeff asks her about Tony and she rambles a bit before Jeff draws it out of her that no, she and Tony are not on speaking terms. They were speaking after the show, but then he made fun of her on Twitter and in interviews, so she stopped sitting at his table in the school cafeteria or something. I would care more if she wasn't such a ratchet-ass Becky.

Jeff heads out into the audience where "a fellow officer" that works with Tony defends his behavior on the show. "He went out there and he made us proud...he got the job done." No hard feelings from his fellow cops for swearing on his badge. Jeff throws a newspaper headline up on the screen. A few nights ago, Tony saved his neighbor's life. Is this Public Image Redemption Island?

Unfortunately, I'm rewatching this OnDemand and can't fast-forward through Jeff trying to make sense of and translate things Tony says. Jeff, still in the audience, tells us that Tyler Perry is there. "Anyone of you that didn't like the special idol, you can just blame him. We'll talk to him in a little while." Who can we talk to if we didn't like the latest Madea movie? Or the one before that? Or the one before that?

Commercials. I'll just say that watching Jeff host here....he doesn't do "live" well. He definitely needs editing.

When we come back from commercials, we get a montage of Tony and Woo's bromance, which leads into Jeff badgering (really, there's no better word to describe his style of questioning these people) Woo about his choice to take Tony instead of Kass to the finals. Woo defends it with his stock tae kwon "d'oh" answer. Jeff asks the jury to raise their hands if they would have voted for Woo to win if he had been up against Kass instead of Tony. Every single one raises their hand. Someone in the audience screams "no, FUCK THAT!" Is this not on a censor time delay?

Woo thanks the audience for their support and congratulates Tony on his win. Woo the Surfer Bro has no defense for his foolishness.

Jeff turns to Tasha, who applied to be on this show three times. He asks what it was like to be on a tribe that sucked as hard as the Brains. Tasha says that if she got to play again, she has learned that you should follow your gut. Get people out if you think they should go, or if they won't work with you.

And that's all of Tasha we get as hyperactive Jeff moves along to Spencer. "Nothing ever went right for Spencer; he never gave up." We get a montage of Spencer's best and worst moments. Spencer has not grown into his hair. I don't know how to describe him other than he still looks about 17 years old and like his mother forced him to put on his church clothes and go sit in a pew on stage. How old is he again?

Jeff reads a John Cochran question for Spencer about Charlie Brown and some crap about his game getting swiped away like a football. It's not that I'm too young to get the reference, it's that I don't give a fuck. Moving on...the point he would change in the game is Final Eight, he would have shared with the alliance that he had an idol and been able to pull Jefra over. That would have changed his whole game.

Spencer credit's Tony's game to playing with his instincts, which Spencer says he himself did not do. Jeff goes off on some tangent about a book he read, and again, I don't give a fuck.

Jeff says that during casting, he didn't give Spencer any credit at all, saying "Dude, you have no chance of winning." Spencer called him out and said, "Well, if you're wrong, and I win, will you write me a letter and read it at the live show?" Jeff gave it not much mind until a few weeks into the game when he saw how good a player Spencer really was, and he wrote a letter to Spencer, sealed it up and sent it back to LA for himself. He hands the letter, still-sealed, to Spencer to read later. "I'm really proud of the game you played," Jeff tells Spencer.


Coming back, we get a montage of idols. Jeff is in the audience with Tyler Perry, who is apparently a super-fan of the show. He texts Jeff all the time with ideas for the show, and this year one was the special idol. "Yeah, lay it all on me since you got so much backlash," Tyler teases Jeff. Fine, Mr. Perry, I will! Your idea sucks the same pair of llama balls currently being motorboated by the production crew that told Tony to dig in that four-square-inch area of hard-packed mud because he might find something there.

"What did you think when Tony found it?" Jeff asks.
"I wasn't happy," Tyler replies. "Look, I love firemen and cops and all that, but I just did not want Tony to find that damn idol!"

You and me both, Madea.

"I wanted Spencer to find it, or Tasha to find it!" And the crowd goes wild!

Jeff chimes in to the audience, "So it wasn't the special idol you didn't like, it was the big idol-hog that found it?"

I'm pretty sure it was both, Jeff.

Jeff asks Tony how he came up with the plan to lie about being able to use the special idol later than he really could. The answer has something to do with talking to the moon. I don't know what he's talking about, but it would have sounded better in llama.


Jeff tells the production staff to do a wide shot of the whole cast because "this really has been a group of amazing players." The production crew must be pointing the cameras at the wrong people because I see J'Tia and Ropehair in the group on my screen.

Jeff badger-questions Former NBA Player Cliff about how Survivor ranks as a competition. Cliff says Survivor is a lot tougher than basketball, but he would play again.

Hyper Jeff switches to Miami Marlins president David asking if he has any regrets making a strong opening move that ultimately got him booted so early. He says he expected to be sitting in the end.

On to Garrett, who says he was amazed at how quickly he fell apart in the game. It was hard to watch himself because "the game was so important to me."

Jeff gets distracted by Morgan's boobs and decides to ask them a question. Can boobs talk? Oh! There's a head attached to them! Who knew?

"You're on the Beauty tribe, and I asked you this at Tribal, you're used to getting everything for free based on your looks...I thought you embodied what the whole premise was about. We all take different qualities that are our currency in life...have you learned anything from this about this is how I use my beauty to get in a door, and it's what I do once that door is opened that's what matters?" Look, the answer is about as stupid as the question, so I'll just paraphrase: "Like, I have, like...boobs? And so I have, like, my mind and wits and stuff?"

And now we're hopping right along on Jeff's crack-fueled ADHD train to nuclear engineer J'Tia who gets a BIG reaction from the audience and gives one right back.

Jeff: "The moral of the story with you is what?"
J'Tia: "Don't tell somebody they about to get booted out, 'cause I'm gonna dump your rice, that's what I'm gonna do, right?"

Girl, as long as you aren't in charge of any nuclear reactors near me or my food/water supply, you can do whatever you want, right?

On to LJ quickly. Basically, Jeff asks him if he's getting laid a lot because women think he's cute, and the answer is yes. "Did you get a lot of female reaction?" "Uh...yeah...I did."


Jeff hands Tony his check for $1 million, then sends us to a tease for the fall which is... another Blood Vs. Water season, this one set in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua.

I've read post-show interviews with him where he clarifies that it will NOT be returning players this time, for what it's worth. Also that Redemption Island will be back.

Jeff thanks us for watching, and we're out.

Here ends my first season of watching "Survivor." All-in-all, I'd give it two llama hooves up.

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