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May 18th - The Apocalypse Has Been Postponed

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We made it, people. We made it through a season of Brenchel gracing our televisions once again, and it really hasn't been that bad. Sure, we've had some moments of patented Rachel non-tears and whining, Brendon being passive-aggressively controlling and some kick-ass racing. But will the reality show professionals actually win instead of coming in third again? Let's find out!

We spend some time at the beginning recrapping what went before. You know what went before? All the teams I hated were out within the first few legs. It was awesome! Twinnies, Annoying Mallory, The YouTuber Screechers, Co-dependent Margie and her big baby Luke. I loved seeing them all drop one by one. Three weeks in and this became my favorite season.

Have you noticed at the starting line, the racers now run AWAY from Phil instead of right past him? I guess the producers figured out some enthusiastic racer might actually take him out in the beginning and they decided to take precautions.

The opening theme is the full song tonight. I still chair dance to it (and sometimes MrGryn plays along, but he dances like Master P so it's best not spoken of).

The twelfth and final leg of the race picks up where we left off last time, in a castle in England. Dave and Conor leave first at 4:31am. Their rip-n-read reveals they are headedto the Happy Fun Place of Las Vegas, Nevada. Heeeeyyyy!! Vegas! Rachel IS Vegas, there is no way she is going to screw up when the final leg is in Vegas, baby! Heeeeyyy!! Wooo!

The Blondes, Caroline and Jennifer, feel they will win as they are in second place but have never won a leg. And finally, Brenchel leaves at 4:52am, squealing that they have a HUGE advantage because the final leg is in Vegas, baby! All three teams are on the same flight and run through the airport. Apparently Rachel pushed one of the blondes (allegedly, she denies it because the blonde stayed upright) but Rachel correctly points out that it's a raaaaaaaaaaace and they should all act like it. Anyway, teams have to get in an SUV with a gruff driver who barks, "Get in!" The "And no funny business" is implied. The teams are each driven out far into the desert night - though not far enough that they cannot be framed by the lights of the Strip - to dig their own graves. Hey, this is not an appropriate way to finish TAR. This kind of ending needs to be reserved for Big Brother.

The teams are digging for a wooden box and Rachel keeps tossing dirt in Conor and Dave's hole, causing Conor to yell at her to stop it. She won't and later says she wishes she put more dirt in their hole, because raaaaaaaace. Now that's all well and good, but this is why people don't like you, Rachel. You're a great competitor, you don't need to stoop to petty annoyances and passive-aggressive stuff like that. Just do your task and don't worry about your neighbors work. Despite her best efforts to block them, the father/son team pull their wooden box out first and head back to their Mafia enforcer driver. The box is marked "Property of David Copperfield" and there are instructions to return the box to him at the the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino, which is apparently his new home for his show. They are followed closely by Brenchel and the Blondes.

Instructions also mention they need to open the box. Rachel crawls into the back of the SUV to find a tire iron. She hands Brendon a large piece of equipment, and he looks at her and says rather mildly, "I don't need the jack, babe." Still, it's a smart move by Brenchel to try and get a leg up by opening the box in the car. The other two teams have to end up smashing the boxes on the ground.

The aforementioned Mr. Copperfield stands with Phil in front of a flaming pile of wood, as Phil reads off the magician's resume. This is a Roadblock, "Do You Believe In Magic", designed by Copperfield, so you know it's going to look dangerous and elemental, and ultimately be fairly tame. The task will be for one team member to take the contents of the mystery box, which is a large key ring with 50 different keys in it, and be shackled in a box. Once they find the key that fits all the shackles, they need to get out of the box by getting the lockpicks outside the crate (two holes in the top allow them to unscrew a jar with the lockpicks) and get out as the box is set on fire and moved to another location by a crane over a flaming pile of...I really want to say dog poop here, but really it's just a pile of wooden pallets. The non-roadblocker will watch the action on a live video in a van.

Conor does the Roadblock and it's cute because he's a David Copperfield fanboy. I mean the magician, not the Dickens character. The other teams are there at pretty much the same time, so it's even at this point. It's a matter of luck finding the one key, and Conor does it fairly quickly. Conor's box is set on fire as it is being moved by the crane from one location to the other and suddenly it gets dropped in the flaming pile of pallets and explodes. Dave looks stricken and says to Copperfield in pure parental panic: "Where is he?" Sadly, we don't see Copperfield reply, "Dead. Sorry! I'll compensate you with free tickets to my new show." Instead, the magician says, "We need to get the fire crew" and behind them is Conor in a fireman's uniform. Dave's relief is palpable. They receive their next clue, to head to the Neon Boneyard. Someplace in Vegas when I have never been and want to go!

Brenchel and the Blondes also finish the flaming box challenge, in that order, and soon the teams are all off to the Boneyard. It's after this that Brenchel has Karma Electra come back to bite them in the behind. Their taxi driver is HORRIBLE. She refuses to go above the speed limit, stops for every light and totally tunes them out when Rachel starts whining about how if they don't win this race, she won't be able to have a baby. Oh! There it is! The Brenchel hate in me is reborn! Shut up, Rachel! Go cry behind a neon bush!

Dave and Conor find the cluebox and take two lightbulbs from a question mark sign. They head to the Mirage (I love that place! Tropical rainforest! Volcano! Awesome aquarium!), to the employee entrance for their next clue. Brenchel finds the clue before the blondes, but when Brendon tries to get Caroline and Jennifer's taxi driver to take them instead of using their original cabbie, he shuts them down in no time. Brendon sounds like a complete pussy begging the guy and throwing the baby thing into the mix. Gah. I hate them! So they are stuck with that terrible cab driver who also hates them, and she finally gets them to the Mirage. However, the blondes with their awesome cabbie have lapped Dave and Conor and are at the Detour first. The task? Being hoisted up on a window washer's platform to screw in 241 lightbulbs in the "I" in Mirage. Luckily there are three of them so all three teams can be doing the task at the same time. Unfortunately for Brenchel, they run RIGHT past the clue box and are flailing around the hotel before they go back to the beginning and find it. This is what panic gets you: fatal errors. Also, they aren't exactly the brightest bulbs in the Mirage box (joke courtey of goobie).

It is a time consuming task and while the blondes are doing well, Dave and Conor finish first, give the correct number of bulbs to the operator and are hoisted back down to the parking lot. Caroline and Jennifer are right behind and their next clue says to head out to Maverick Helicoptors in Henderson. That is quite a distance from the Mirage!

Dave and Conor get stuck at a dead end, which allows Caroline and Jennifer to get slightly ahead of them, but the father/son team manage to convince their cabbie to pass the blondes's guy. This gets Dave and Conor in first for the helicopter line. Turns out it's a Roadblock: One team member has to get in the helicopter, suited up for a parachute jump from 10,000 feet, and they have to spot the clue while the helicopter takes them on a joy ride along the Las Vegas Strip. This is TOTALLY the COOLEST final Roadblock ever! EVER!

Editing doesn't allow us to know who is ahead, and we see both of them spot the sign on the Aria marquee that spells out the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. And we cut to the Speedway, where both Conor and Caroline are waiting together while Phil does his intro. The Amazing Finale Mat is there along with the other teams and everyone is already cheering. Someone jumps from the helicopter and everyone is straining to try and figure out who it is who is falling, falling, falling and suddenly awesome fireworks light up the falling object like a shooting star! SERIOUSLY the most awesomest final task ever!

And we finally see the first person to jump is.....Dave! It's the old guy! He lands, shrugs out of his flight suit and the father and son run to the mat together. The rest of the crowd goes wild with joy, seriously. These guys are obviously very loved by the rest of the racers. Phil congratulates them on winning, on being the first parent/child win TAR and even better, Dave is the oldest winner of TAR, ever, at 58 years old. Winning it for us old farts! Good job, Dave!

Caroline (or is it Jennifer?) lands and they run to the finish line, happy and joyful despite coming in second, telling Dave and Conor they are happy it was them who won. It gets emotional when Dave talks about Conor going through chemotherapy, and it's sweet and I'm so glad the TAR editors didn't run that into the ground again this go 'round. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, TAR editors.

Finally, Brendon lands and his lights spell out "Loser" (tm Lifeonhold). But really, aren't WE the winners? Because Brenchel lost The Amazing Race, and the world is safe from their procreating plans for another year.

Again, it was a good season. Annoying teams went out early, a good racing team won, Rachel kept favoriting Fisty's tweets every time he mentioned her name, and the Apocalypse that was sure to begin when Brenchel has their baby has been postponed.

Bring on Big Brother!

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