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MrsGryn

December 2

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MrsGryn   

Hello, fellow babies, and welcome to the penultimate episode of TAR: Annoying Twins Must Die edition.

 

Sadly, they do not.

 

But first...I'd like to take a moment to curse CBS (shout out to IceManNYR!) What the fuck, man? The football game ends a few minutes early and instead of filler segments or extra commercials, you show us yet ANOTHER fucking football game, thus delaying the start of TAR by an additional eleven minutes? Get me the Chenbot phone! She needs to have a talk with her husband and stop that shit immediately.

 

Previouslies include Abby and Ryan's execution, steps from the lovely porch of Rembrant's mistress, who apparently liked sliding glass doors for easy access to the bar-be-que. After reading the interviews with Abby and particularly Ryan, that were posted by ff174, I don't dislike them anymore. Still, just as happy to see them go as it means the Fabulous Hapless Beekman Boys are still stumbling their way through this show. Never had anyone so inept made it so far, and I'm including Flo.

 

Twins leave at 2:55am. They rip open their clue and try to pronounce Majorca, also spelled Mallorca. Just reading a Taco Bell menu should give one a rudimentary grasp of Spanish word pronunciations and the twins fail miserably. Maybe they can buy Spanish lessons from some of their stolen $100? The path is to fly to Barcelona and catch an overnight ferry to Mallorca. Once there, they need to find the devil for their next clue. The twins get on a 6am flight and talk about how they need to maintain their awesome lead. I think they missed the part where Phil said "Overnight ferry." They are flying out at 6am. That means plenty of time for the other teams to catch up. Dumbasses.

 

Next to rip their clue is Jaymes and James. I'm still pissed that my patented nickname Bartles and Jaymes didn't catch on, but whatever. I'll get over it. The boys talk about how bad they still feel about Uturning Ryan and Abby, but like their chances of making the final three. Trey and Lexie fly out at 7:55am, so really there isn't a huge gap among the leaders, and when the twins mention they arrived at 9am and they have to wait for an overnight ferry, that is a huge gap of time. In the meanwhile the Amazing Editors treat us to a ton of sweet snapshots of Barcelona, which has the intended effect: I wanna go!!

 

Goat farmers leave Amsterdam at 9:38am so really, it's not suspenseful as to whether they will catch up. We do get to see Josh take his header while running through the meadow to the jump-the-canal challenge and I have to laugh again. They board their flight.

 

The Chippies catch up with the Twinnies, and Trey and Lexie catch up as well when they all meet at the ferry terminal. They buy their tickets and the three teams head off for a day at the beach in Barcelona. It's so unusual for us to see the teams having some recreation in the middle of the race, but what else are they going to do? Everyone looks well rested and healthy. Why not treat me to some film of shirtless Chippendale dancers? Personally I would probably go see La Sagrada Familia, given the opportunity. Also, I don't like sand in my...um...pants.

 

After their fun in the sun, they head back the ferry terminal and the twins let us know the fourth team is a mystery, so apparently none of them know for sure if Abby and Ryan were Philiminated. They see the goat farmers and everyone runs up to them to give hugs, elated that one of the most useless teams in the history of TAR, and I'm including those grannies in season two, are still there as opposed to the airport-unfortunate A&R. James and Jaymes are happy the Uturn worked. The Beekman Boys think they have a shot at winning. I swear to OGG, if that is a foreshadowing of what will actually happen, I'm gonna pop a vein.

 

Once in Mallorca (ferry ride takes 6 hours), the Beekmans promptly get lost. What am I so worried about?

 

Getting the next clue involves running a gauntlet of grotesquely painted street performers, breathing fire and screaming and swinging flaming nunchuks or something. I may have confused them with ninjas. Anyway, the three non-lost teams figure out one devil has a clue and they have to go jump around and get the clue from him. It's weird and strange and slightly disturbing, but it beats a lonely cluebox. The clue reveals the teams must drive themselves to the Centro de Alto Rendimiento, and we are treated to some guys playing tennis.

 

Beekman find the devil and get screamed at then get their clue. While they are reading it, one of the devils pokes his head between them to snarl and wag his tongue and it looks like the shorter Beekman goes in to kiss him, but the camera cuts off before we see what happens. He was probably going to hug the guy but trust me, it was a weird moment.

 

And now, we come to the 12th axiom of TAR: Before going on the race, learn to drive stick!! The other teams take off while Nadia tries to figure out how to drive stick. She took one driving lesson and decided it was easy enough, so didn't bother continuing. Brilliant! Here is her driving style: Lurch. Lurch. Lurch. Squealing tires. Lurch. Lurch. HONK! HONK! go the cars as they pass them. HONK! Nag, nag, nag from the back seat twin. Really, I feel bad for the cameraman in all of this.

 

Centro de Alto Rendimiento is a sports complex is a roadblock. Apparently, this is where Rafael Nadal, the King of Clay (tennis courts, according to Phil) is from and the challenge involves picking a pro (more likely, a ball boy) and having them load up an automatic machine to spit balls at the team member. Twenty balls must be returned inbounds before the next clue is handed out by a line judge. Trey and Lame James (dark hair) do the tasks.

 

I just wish the roadblock had involved reenacting some of

, particularly the hairstyle.

 

Trey has very little problem returning the tennis balls. Jaymes and James make fun of Trey's Andre Agassi headband. James, on the other hand, has some problems because he thinks he's playing baseball. He claims the machine is spitting out knuckleballs and curveballs and are going all over the place. In all fairness, his ankle is still weak so he's not a mobile as he might have been otherwise. He gets only 6 on his first go-round so had to try again after Trey and Lexie get their clue and leave. James laughs at himself and says he is not a well-rounded athlete.

 

Beekman boys arrive, and what happens? The second guy in the race with a bum ankle does the task. Josh rolls his ankle again and everytime he returns a ball or even swings for it, he makes a sound like he's pushing a baby out of his scrotum or something. Pardon me, I'm going to fast forward this part. He has a mini-meltdown along the way, but I'm not listening. LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!

 

Twins arrive and pile out of their clown car. Sadly, my FF did not zoom past them. The twin doing the task asks her non-task-doing twin if she's right handed or left handed. Um...Wait, what? How the hell does any adult, college educated (Fordham) person NOT know if they are right or left handed? Who are these aliens? They tell a story about how they were supposed to go to tennis lessons at the country club but would run off and jump in the pool in their tennis clothes. *sniff*sniff* What's that smell? Money? I do believe it is.

 

Josh pulls himself together and gets back on the court. I'm pretty sure the balls are coming out of the feeder much slower for him and he does seem to be having better luck returning the balls. They finish before the twins and limp off. They are nice enough to encourage the twins as they run off to their car. Twinnies manage to catch up to the Beekmans as they are about to drive off and ask if they know where they are going. The boys claim they do not and have to ask for directions, but one of the twins notices they have a map and as they run back their clown car, one says "They have a bloody map of this place!" and the other answers, "I don't know they are super prepared, they are gay!" I'm having a hard time processing the intent of this comment. On one hand, it could be complimentary that she thinks all gay people are super prepared for any contingency, but on the other hand it's a weird thing to correlate to being gay. Or prepared. Let's move on.

 

Chippies and Team UT team up to find the next clue, which involves searching a Mammoth-like cavern to find the music. Trey tells us it's so neat to see something that has been around for "thousands and thousands of years." Dude. Really? You too have a college education. Do I hear millions of years? Anyway, they wander through the beautiful cavern, yapping away until finally they shut up long enough to hear some spanish guitar playing. Following the sound, they come across two guitarists who awesomely completely ignore the teams. They grab their clues and find out about the next Detour.

 

In Spin It, the teams will repair 400 year old windmills by reattaching two large metal blades, to the satisfaction of a windmill repair man. Once done, they will receive their next clue from Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. Don Quixote is looking a bit too young and fit for the part.

 

In Bull It, the teams must put on a fake bull costume and wend their way through eight matadors, butting their capes and running into the final target to launch a matador dummy into the air. Both teams decide to do the matador task because it's easier to find. They thank the guitarists, who don't give a crap. On the way, the teams get separated and Team UT go on to the bull ring while the Chippies stumble across the windmills and Jaymes declares it can't be that hard. He then refers to Sancho Panza as Quixote's "home boy" which is kind of funny. Then I get my favorite line from Lame James: "As a Chippendale, I may have swung a styrofoam hammer a few times." You know, I've never actually been interested in seeing a Chippendale show but these two are changing my mind about it. Who's in? Anyway, the Chippies breeze through the task.

 

Pardon me, we just had a brief interlude where I had to call MrGryn to remove one of Shelob's spawn from the house. Bleech.

 

Trey and Lexie arrive at the bullring and start the task. Lexie is in the front (her choice) while Trey is the ass-end, sticking his head through a hole and yelling directions to Lexie. They get through the course and smash into the final target but fail to launch the matador, instead knocking the target down and slicking "the crap" out of Lexie's finger. We get treated to a close up and it's not pretty. Probably painful, too, but not as bad as

. In otherwords, suck it up, Lexie. She does, and with Trey in the lead and Lexie shouting directions, they finish the course.

 

Beekmans at the cave, getting their clue and decide to spin it. They are in third place which means the twins are still in last. Hooray!

 

Jaymes and James get their clue from Young Don Quixote and find out the pit stop for this leg of the race is Castell de Bellver, which Phil tells me means the Castle with the Lovely View. Well, he isn't kidding because it is pretty gorgeous. He also informs us it used to be a royal residence but was a prison for many years. In checking the Wiki on it, it was also a royal prison, so...two uses in one! Bellver Castle

 

Twins get their clue and choose the windmill task, which seems like a bad idea. As they are running to the task, they mention they took Spanish at Fordham. All that money for an education gone to waste. *shakes head* Best moment: one drops a wrench onto the head of the other. Sadly, she was wearing a hard hat.

 

Some tension as both the Chippies and Team UT are trying to find the castle...you know, that giant building on a hill that overlooks the town and can be seen from every quarter...and the first to arrive and be welcomed by the headless greeter is Trey and Lexie and they win an awesome luxury trip to the Mexican Riviera. Sigh. I could use some time in a private infinity pool and a, as Phil puts it, nice mah-ssahge right about now.

 

The twins see the Beekman boys leave and they realize they are last and that they suck, because they did not adhere to the 12th axiom of the race (learn to drive stickshift, you idiots). Beekmans arrive at the mat and say it's hard to kill them. Well, it's not for lack of trying by the rest of the world, dude.

 

Twins finally show up at the mat and Phil tells them he has bad news, but then asks them what happened today. They babble and Phil finally owns up to what we all know: it is a non-elimination of the race and the twins are still in it and will have to perform a speed bump in the next leg of the race. It will probably be hair braiding or cursing each other out, in which they each excel.

 

Next week: Two hour finale! Running! Horse plowing! Bungee jumping! Attacks by signage! It'll be awesome.

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