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November 18th

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After fast-forwarding through 60 Minutes, (stupid football), and the previouslies, we’re with the racers in Moscow. That’s in Russia, if you didn’t know.


At the check-in mat, Phil demands to know if Team Megadeth has their passports. They do not. Phil tells them they must produce their passports, encouragingly mentioning they’re not the last team to arrive. Team Megadeath saunters off to find the missing passport.


Back at Trud Sports Stadium, (or, “Turd”, if you’re immature like me), The Suck Pact, (Beekmans plus Abbie & Ryan), endeavor to complete the detour, where they chose to synchronize swim. The problem is that wee Beekman can barely swim, much less synchronize. Because of their stupid pact, Abbie and Ryan must wait and watch, having completed the detour during the last episode. The Beekmans are told the pool is closing, but they will be given one more chance. They are ordered to do their best.


Apparently, their best wasn’t good enough, because they’re given a 4-hour penalty in addition to their next clue.


Meanwhile, Team Megadeth is working with local authorities to recover a lost/stolen passport. We’ll be kept in suspense there for the next segment, it seems.


The Suck Pact has arrived at the Trees of Love, where they must work on unlocking a bunch of, um, locks. Bigger Beekman aces the challenge by using his brain. Lacking that particular organ, Abbie flounders on the task, but Big Beek comes to her aid. Blah blah encouragementcakes. What. ever.


They “race” to the mat together and are surprised when Phil tells them there’s still a team on the course. He tells Abbie and Ryan they are team #4, and the Beeks are #5, BUT the 4-hour penalty they receive will be assessed at the beginning of the next leg.

They cannotfuckingbelieveit.


Beeks admit they have a lot of catching up to do. Yeah, like the entire fucking race??


It’s time for Team Megadeath to face the music, (see what I did there?) They have returned to the mat, where they must tell Phil they weren’t able to secure the missing passport. Phil blows their collective mind by throwing down a non-elimination speech.

They are still in the race! They will, however. need to produce both passports and conquer a speed bump to have any chance at finishing the race. They toss their flowing manes in the Russian wind as Phil says, “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over”.


Well, apparently it ain’t over for me, as we’re only 1/4 of the way into this episode.


Back from commerical and, oh look! It’s Trey! (And Lexie.) It’s like a whole new episode, since they’re officially starting the next leg now. Kinda weird, but I have Sunday wine, so I can deal.



Trey (and Lexie) are the first to depart to Study Building #6, which is at the Agricultural Academy in Moscow, (again, Russia). Once there, they must find Large Chemistry Auditorium #1. So... Team #1 has to go to Building #6, to find Auditorium #1. Okay, then.


Their cab driver says he knows just where to go. The problem is that he totally doesn’t know just where to go and they end up someplace that looks like where a ska band would go to shoot heroin, (tm Ann Perkins).


They make their way back to another cab driver, who appears to have just escaped the circus.


FINALLY! The second team to depart is The Chippers. They say they are going to stick to their game plan. In related news~ they have a game plan!


Their plan, which I totally support:

1.) Keep having a good time.

2.) Keep being friends with people

3.) Just stay at the top.


Back to Trey, (and Lexie)...

Cab driver #2 fails to get Team #1 to Auditorium #1 at Building #6. I mean, really.

Just how number-challenged can you be?


Chippers arrive at Building #6, which makes them team #1 in Auditorium #1. They must wait for the facility to open, which give Trey, (fuck Lexie), time to arrive. Emmett Kelly comes through for them, though they are now #2, and just in time for the facility to open. Both teams are surprised to see Team Megadeath’s picture on the Speed Bump sign.



Speaking of... at the “Pit Stop Hotel”, Team Megadeath has not given up. On something. Probably smoking weed.


Hey, look! Phil is in Auditorium #1, explaining the Road Block. He informs us Russia is the world’s largest country, almost 2X the size of the U.S. Teams will be shown Russia’s 9 different time zones and Moscow’s current time. They will then have to calculate the time in 5 different Russian cities. We get a good dose of eyebrow with the explanation.


Jaymes (*sigh* and Lexie) work side-by-side to come up with 5 correct times. They fail their first attempt. And the second..... and so on.


As a gift to us, their loyal viewers, it took a full 22 minutes for the twins to appear onscreen, and then it’s only for a few seconds. Must be my lucky night!


Jaymes says it was lucky he and Lexie were working together. It only took them 9 attempts, ya’ll, to figure it out. Make that 10. Er, 11.


Finally! Their 12th attempt earns them the next clue.


In this Detour, teams must choose between “Movers” and “Shakers”.


“Movers” requires them to learn a grueling Russian dance in synch with music.

“Shakers” requires teams to identify seven historic leader look-alikes at a cocktail party. Cocktail party?? I accept the challenge!


(Lexie) chooses to dance. Can you imagine how torn the Chippers must be? Dancing OR cocktails, but not both? That’s some tough luck. They are also plagued by a clingy cab driver, who thinks he has all the time in the world to enjoy his morning coffee while accompanying the dynamic duo.


Both teams continue to work together to find the next location. The twins also continue to work. At sucking. Hey, it’s what they do best. Why argue with success?


So, Team Texas and the Chips have chosen to do the dance detour. Unfortunately, James is having a real tough time with the routine, due to a bum ankle. Trey also struggles, though he has no solid excuse other than being a white boy from Texas. Neither team passes the first test. We are treated to some AWESOME Russian dancing as the teams compose themselves.


The Jameses pass their second attempt, as do the Texans. That was a mercy judging if I ever saw one. Both teams are off to find the Pit Stop.


The twins arrive to attempt the dance. One of them repeatedly rips her pants. I can’t even be bothered to laugh at her.


Team Megadeath is still moping around as the Beeks wait out their penalty. Ryan and Abbie are finally on their way and are motivated to complete this leg without being last.



Back to the pit stop, where it’s a foot race to the mat. The Chippers are the first to arrive! They win a trip to Costa Rica. The Texans aren’t far behind.


The twins pass the dancing detour and make their way to the mat, checking in 3rd. Bluh.


In Auditorium Number Something, Ryan knocks out the time zone challenge, but not nearly as quickly as he thought he would. Suck it, Ryan! Abbie has on her very best bitchface.


Twins arrive at the mat. Joy.


Beeks depart, with Team Megadeath not far behind. The rockers start by calling the Embassy to get help with the missing passport.


Ryan continues to suck at the Road Block. It’s kinda great.


He finally figures out the problem, exclaiming, “I’m stupid! I’m so stupid!” For once, I agree with Ryan.


He passes his TWENTY FIFTH attempt.


Mini Beeks attempts the time zone challenge. He aces his first attempt. I hope Ryan is watching!



The rockers do what they can to locate their passport, then decide to continue the leg, in hopes of arriving at the mat, along with someone securing their passport for them.


Beeks, chosing the Shakers task, feel they have time to play around a bit and enjoy themselves, since they’re confident the rockers have a lot of ground to make up behind them. Oh, dear.


Abbie and Ryan arrive at the mat in 4th place. The Beekman Boys are just behind them, in 5th.


The rockers arrive to the mat in last place and without the missing passport. They are Philiminated, but take their defeat in stride. Those two showed class all the way to the end. Rock on, dudes.


Next week: Abbie and Ryan are back to their usual nastiness. The Chippers may make a bold move. Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?!

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