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November 11th

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Previously on TAR: The Monster Truckers beautiful, beautiful hubris brought them down. Six teams remain and we’ve only had one non-elimination leg. Who will we be stuck with for an extra week because of that?


Let’s go 7th leg. Trey and Lexi leave first and discover they are off to Moscow, where they have to find a sculpture park. Lexi states that her and Trey’s relationship is getting better and better on the race. That’s nice. Trey says it’s nice for them to spend time together, because football and cheerleading are so very taxing and time-consuming.


Abbie and Ryan are still busy worrying about the Sri Lankan sisters, which… why? Anyway, I also still can’t tell Abbie and Ryan apart from Lexi and Trey. This could be a big problem if they both make Final Three. The Rockers leave third.


Lexi manages to get very confused at the airport, so she and Trey give up and go to Popeyes. Because, of course. Sri Lankans leave fourth. Abbie and Ryan arrive at the airport and find a flight without much issue by harnessing the amazing power of the internet. There a floating are several various flights floating around. The Sri Lankans help Trey and Lexi finally find a flight, and the Rockers find a different one.


Lexi thinks Abbie and Ryan aren’t just competitive, but also rude. I’m inclined to agree, although I’ve never figured out the purpose of drama between teams on TAR. The Beekman Boys are looking for a flight with a travel agent and flip a coin to decide between two flights and pick Frankfurt, which turns out to be delayed. There are three flights – one through Amsterdam, one through Frankfurt and one through Munich. The Frankfurt flight was late, so the Beekman Boys and Abbie and Ryan miss their connection to Moscow. There are no flights until tomorrow morning.


Chippendales and Rockers are first to Moscow. Beekman Boys and Abbie and Ryan discover they can’t get a flight out of Frankfurt until tomorrow which arrives at 3:30 in the afternoon. Sri Lankans and Trey and Lexi arrive in Moscow, where Lexi whines that it smells like smoke. Sri Lankans say it’s sooo Russia, all dreary and dark. Just picture my eyes rolling here. Out of my head. Everyone wonders where the Beekman boys and Abbie and Ryan are. The answer is that they are boarding a flight.


The teams are let into the sculpture park in the morning at 9:30 a.m. Yep, Beekmans and Abbie and Ryan are racing for last place. Clue sends the teams to search for Ivan the Terrible’s guards to get their next clue. The Rockers find the guards first. Detour – Alphabetize: go to the Russian state library and find books in Cyrillic. Basically matching a list to books. Synchronized: learn a synchronized swimming routine to satisfaction of Olympic coach. Rockers pick Alphabetize. Trey and Lexi, Sri Lankans, and Chippendales all pick Synchronize. The Sri Lankans can’t get taxi and blame racism. I don’t know much about Russia’s state of racism, so – maybe? I know a lot about Russian gymnastics, and that’s about my total knowledge of Russia.


Rockers start looking for their books in the state library. Chippendales arrive to swim and don floral swimming caps. They learn 8 counts of a dance and then jump in the water to learn the rest. Synchronized swimming is crazy, yo. The Russian swimmers laugh at them. A lot. The Russian coach is smoking by the pool, by the way. BAMF. Chippendales fail their routine about four times and the Russian coach just yells “NO!”, gesticulating wildly. I love Russians athletes and their coaches.


Sri Lankans contemplate using the express pass, for some reason. I guess they can only use it on two more legs. But still – don’t use it when two teams missed their flight.


Sri Lankans arrive at the swimming pool and roundly condemn the synchro athlete teaching them for not being able to speak English. Oh, hey Twinnie? You suck ass.


Lexi and Trey found all their call numbers for the books, but are now searching vast swaths of bookshelves for the books themselves. They still seem far ahead of the swimmers.


Sri Lankans whine about claustrophobia, intensity, the fact that the Russians speak Russian. They contemplate using the Express Pass. They decide to use it and Chippendales is like, “Dumbasses. Don’t waste it when two teams are behind us.” Cause – yeah. But Chippendales? For helping Sri Lankans, you are getting some serious side eye.


Trey and Lexi are done with the books and must search for the “Trees of Love” for their next clue. BAMF Russian Coach watches Chippendales do their routine and passes them with a big thumbs up. She even hugs them. They proclaim that this is for Russia. It’s cute. Love those Chippendale boys.


Trey and Lexi find the Roadblock. It’s basically unlocking a bunch of padlocks and figuring out which of the keys they get unlock which padlocks. It’s easy, but could be time consuming.


Abbie and Ryan and the Beekman Boys decide to run the leg as a unit, for some reason I can’t understand at all. Chippendales arrives at the Tree of Love to start unlocking padlocks. The Sri Lankans continue to attempt to synchronize themselves. BAMF Coach passes them.


The Rockers arrive at the swimming pool and BAMF Coach says, “I’m already afraid.” I love her. She needs to be Phil’s new co-host. Trey and Lexi finish the Roadblock and have to figure out that the Ruble they get is directing them to the Bolshoi as the Pit Stop.


The awful Sri Lankans arrive at the Roadblock and begin unlocking. Trey and Lexi find the Bolshoi and they’ve had an excellent leg. They come in first and win a trip to Maui. Lexi has decided that she and Trey are in love. Neat. They are so freaking innocuous. I know I’ve said that before, but every week just proves me right.


One Sri Lankan twin yells at another another and OHMYGOD SHUTUPWHY WON’TYOUSHUTUPPLEASE. I’m just calling them Myrna and Charla v. 2.0. Now With More Twinnies! Beekman Boys and Abbie and Ryan are now finally in Moscow. They decide to do the library task, but the library is now closed. So off they go to Synchro.


BAMF Coach, just hoping to minimize the long Rocker and Lawyer hair in her pool drains, finally passes the Rockers. Abbie and Ryan and the Beekman Boys arrive at Synchro. BAMF coach just laughs and laughs and laughs.


Sri Lankans are third and are pissed about it. Rockers arrive at the padlock Roadblock, which is really boring to watch. The Rockers decide to release their cab driver while they do the task, only to discover that the driver has taken off with all their stuff. They go back to do the task, hoping that the taxi driver will reappear.


Beekman Boys are struggling because they lack basic swimming skills. Or one of them does – I can’t remember which one the dark haired guy is. Rockers are searching for their taxi, which has one of their passports. They decide to go find the Pit Stop anyway.


Abbie and Ryan finish their synchro routine and get hugs and kisses and clues from BAMF Coach. But – they decide to be supportive and stick with the plan to run the race with the Beekmans and stay and watch them until they do their routine correctly. Unfortunately, it could be next year before that happens.


Rockers arrive at the Pit Stop. Phil says that in order to stay in the race, they must have their passports. Which, they do not. Phil’s all, well… find ‘em.


AND, with the Beekman’s struggling at synchro, Abbie and Ryan watching them, and Rockers without passports, it’s the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED. Next week – who cares what will happen on the Race, because Tooletta will have you in stiches. Even if those wretched Sri Lankan twins stick around

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