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Oct. 14

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Previously on "The Amazing Race," some shit happened. Seriously, other people recapped this already. Go read those recaps and then meet me back here with a beer. I'll just be over here eating some chicken I baked in the slow cooker today.


*waits with bottle opener*


Ready? *clinks bottles* Here we go:


Phil welcomes us to Surabaya, Indonesia, the pit stop for the second leg of the race. Apparently, it's face-of-the-sun hot by the way these teams are sweating.


The mat, for those that don't remember was in the middle of a fish and produce market, and that's where we find our teams today. If you're hoping for a beautiful, exotic locale for this leg of the race, you're going to be disappointed...it's just more Indonesia. Not even a different island, just another city right up the train track.


But I'm getting ahead of myself.


The first team to check in is the first team to leave, but you already knew that. Thanks for reminding us, Phil.


The annoying fucking twins Natalie and Nadyia depart at 6:07 a.m. Ripping open their clue, they are instructed to make their way to a restaurant with a name that looks like what Fisty gets on a computer screen when he slams a troll's head against their keyboard during "Big Brother."


Once at the restaurant, they have to get their next clue. They are warned that there is a U-Turn ahead. The girls run off through the market screaming "English!? English?!," which is coincidental because that's what I scream at my TV whenever they are speaking. Seriously, these bitches need subtitles half the time. The other half of the time I wish I COULDN'T understand what they are saying. (Pay attention, language barriers will be a recurring theme tonight.)


Anyhoo, they dash off to the restaurant and are quickly told by a local that they went the wrong way. (Pay attention, this also will be a recurring theme tonight).


Meanwhile, back at the market, Trey and Lexi depart. They quickly join up with the twins to work as a super-team. One of the twins suggests they just wait around for the Chippendales and work with them as well. Jaymes and James depart the mat and join up with the first two teams. (Pay attention, working in groups will be a recurring theme tonight.)


This super-team is quickly joined by Abbie and Ryan. Ryan says it's really hard to race as a couple, but don't pay attention, that won't be a recurring theme tonight.


All four teams get in taksies and try to follow each other to the restaurant.


Back at the mat, the Beekman Boys (Josh and Brent) depart and tell us that the racers have divided into two packs: the strong players and "those of us that are just doing our best." I hear this as "the jocks and the nerds," and that's totally what it looks like when you see the teams side by side.


They grab a taksi (seriously, that's how it's spelled in Indonesia. They should learn English.)


James and Abba, aka Team Hair Rockers, depart. They say they are "lone wolves" and they will do their own thing.


Out on the road, Trey and Lexi find the restaurant clue box first. It is a Road Block: "Who wants to serve a balanced meal?"


Phil tells us that in this Road Block, one member of the team must serve an Indonesian breakfast to a table full of diners. The catch? The Padang breakfast comes on 20 dishes, which must all be carried at the same time. If the server drops a dish, he or she must start again.


Lexi starts the task and leaves her giant backpack on, which seems like a bad idea for her balance when she's trying to carry 20 bowls.


Outside, Abbie and Ryan, Josh and Brent and Jaymes and James arrive at the restaurant, apparently simultaneously.


Lexi is struggling to get her plates loaded up as the others wonder where the Unwonderful Twins are. To answer the question, the scene switches to the girls getting out of their cab, which they blame for being horrible, and finding a new taksi.


Back at the market, Caitlin and Brittany depart. They say that they've never been a part of something as big as "The Amazing Race" and that "emotions are going to come out that we've never had before." I don't know what that means, but I'll find out before the episode is over...and so will you. Oh look, we're going to start now. One of the blondes screams at the cab driver that they are in a race and he needs to hurry.


Back in their interview, one of the blondes says, "I could get punched in the face and I still wouldn't cry." Let's test that theory. This leads us to the episode title, "There's No Crying in Baseball."


Moving on, let's fast-forward a bit through the Road Block. Jaymes drops a dish, Lexi drops all her dishes and Josh (or Brent?) drops some dishes


Jaymes and Ryan both complete the task quickly and get the next clue, which sends their teams to the train station where they will buy tickets and board a train to Bangil, Indonesia. During the trip, someone will walk down the aisle with their next clue, but the teams have to spot the clue hanging with some snacks and ask for it.


James and Abba arrive at the restaurant as those teams run out. Lexi finishes her task. The Beekman Boy finishes his task. The rocker finishes his task.


The twins finally arrive as, back at the market, Rob and Kelley finally depart.


At the train station, all the teams grab tickets.


Caitlin and Brittany arrive at the restaurant and the twin drops her dishes. Brittany starts the task.


Back at the market, the final team is finally departing. Gary and Will are covered in sweat already, and that's not going to change all episode. It is gross. In their to-camera interview, filmed after the leg is over, Gary is literally dripping.


They make their way through the market screaming for anyone that speaks English. They interview that the race is so much harder than it looks on TV.


Back at the restaurant, one of the twins is ... wait for it ... screaming at the other one to calm down. And ... wait for it ... Nadyia says that it actually worked! What the hell? Whatever works, I guess. She finishes the Road Block and they head out.


Rob and Kelly arrive as the twins leave. Brittany gets her clue and Rob serves his dishes on the first try. They head to the train station as well.


Gary and Will finally arrive at the restaurant, and Gary starts the task.


At the train station, the rockers arrive and get their tickets. The twins arrive as the train is boarding. They get their tickets and run after the train yelling "tell the train to wait!"


It does not wait, and we soon find out that the next train doesn't leave for THREE HOURS.


This, by the way, is the first commercial break. Yeah, settle in ... I recap long.


The rest of this episode is divided pretty much into two parts: Part 1 is the people currently on the train, Part 2 is the remaining teams on the train three hours later.


So, here we go with Part 1. The teams are: James and Abba, James and Jaymes, Lexi and Trey, Josh and Brent and Abbie and Ryan.


The above teams, sans Team Rocker, are all sitting together on the train and agree that they will not use the U-Turn on each other.


Eventually, they get their clues. It is a detour: Egg Head or Lion's Head. Phil pops up to inform us that each task is an Indonesian art form that has been in existence for hundreds of years.


In Egg Head, teams have to find a market and each get two eggs. Then they find a magician in a park and each team member has a fire lit on their head in coconuts. Chefs hold a pan over the fires and cooks the eggs. Then the eggs are covered in hot sauce and the teams have to eat them. This is an art form? Really? OK, Phil.


In Lion's Head, teams have to find a group of dancers and put on giant headdresses that have the face of a lion on them. These masks are huge, like five feet tall and just as wide ... and they are held in place by a piece that fits in your mouth. *barf* The teams will be led in a parade where they have to do a couple of turns and kneel down when the parade leader tells them to.


Still on the train, James and Jaymes, Trey and Lexi, Abbie and Ryan and James and Abba decide to do Lion's Head. Josh and Brent, the farmers, will do Egg Head.


At this point, we can fast forward a bit. Teams all take little bike-powered rickshaw-kind of pedicab called a becak (thanks, Google) to their chosen tasks. Each performs the tasks without any real trouble.


When they complete their tasks, they get a clue that directs them to "Perliman POS. I, where Dorang, Cucut, Hiu, Sepat and Musing meet." Google has no idea what that is, but it's a small white store-front where the teams find a Double U-Turn.


(In Part 2 news, we see that those teams are now boarding the train)


Back in Bangil, teams start arriving at the U-Turn. This U-Turn is blind, which means teams can't see who U-Turned them. The teams all make good on their deal to not U-Turn each other.


Abbie and Ryan are the first to arrive, and they get their clue for the pit stop. Phil tells us that the pit stop is Bangil's No. 1 high school. At the pit stop, there are a bunch of teen girls waiting with Phil for the teams to arrive. The final team to arrive may be eliminated, of course.


Jaymes and James and Lexi and Trey arrive at the U-Turn at the same time. James and Abba are next.


James and Abba go to the wrong school. Abbie and Ryan worry if they are going the right direction. They're still on their becak and trusting the drivers instead of finding out directions ahead of time.


Abbie and Ryan are the first team at the mat. The greeter tells them, "Hai (Hello)." They win a trip to Fiji.


As Phil is describing the trip they get to take, Lexi and Trey arrive. Later, they tell us in their interview that they see Abbie and Ryan as a threat down the road. They have been the first team in two of the three legs so far and they are the only team that can go for $2 million, so they are extra motivated. In the future they will U-Turn Abbie and Ryan if given the opportunity.


Jaymes and James arrive third at the pit stop. James and Abba are fourth. The rockers tout that "we don't need the validation of a whole group" and they are doing their own thing and it's working for them. Phil appears to approve.


Later, Josh and Brent check in at the Pit Stop, here ending Part 1.


Let's take a short break and meet back here with fresh beers, OK?






*drinks* Ahhh...refreshing.


Where were we? Oh yes, Part 2.


The teams on this later train are: Gary and Will, Natalie and Nadyia, Rob and Kelly and Caitlin and Brittany.


In contrast to the deal made on the first train not to use the U-Turn, on this second train, each of the teams comes to the decision separately that they will HAVE to use the U-Turn if they want to have the best chance to survive this leg.


And so the train pulls into Bangil and...they're off! All teams except Gary and Will rush off the train and get in their becak to head off to their chosen tasks. Gary and Will run around in the parking lot like lunatics trying to figure out what a becak is...while pacing back and forth in front of the becak stands where the drivers are waving at them to sit down and ride. Brilliant.


Once they are in their becak, Gary remarks at how slow it is moving. Kinda ironic that the other teams are so far ahead when this driver only has to push one and a half people. (Get it? Because Will is so tiny? Hahahahahahaha.)


Maybe I didn't need that second beer.


So, yeah, teams are headed toward their tasks. All have chosen the Lion's Head task.


At this point, Caitlin and Brittany start with the language barrier/being bitchy problems I mentioned earlier. One of them (because seriously, who can tell them apart?) is having trouble paying the becak driver because he doesn't speak English. She, of course, starts screaming at him "HOW MUCH!!!! HOWWWWW MUUUUUUCHHH!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"


Because that'll make him understand better. Another person comes over and eventually tells her "50." She passes the bills to the driver and stomps away screaming "oh my frickin lord!"


Largely, there are no problems with completing the task for any of the teams, so I'll skip detailing every turn and kneel for you. Other than to say this: the lion mask is taller than Will.


The twins finish first and head off toward the U-Turn. Rob and Kelley finish.


While wearing the masks, Caitlin and Brittany scream at each other to "come on!!!!!!!!" I really want to test out that theory that she wouldn't cry if you punched her in the face.


At the U-Turn, the twins decide not to use it, then one of them walks right into the camera and is thrown back. It's hilarious. If I rewind and hold my fist just right, it looks like I punched her for being a silly ho. It's not like punching one of the blondes, but I'll take what I can get tonight.


Rob and Kelley choose to U-Turn Gary and Will in case they need the time to find Phil.


Caitlin and Brittany and Gary and Will finish the Lion's Head task as the twins arrive at the pit stop. They are shocked for some reason that they are Team Six instead of Team Seven. Phil asks if they would rather be Team Seven, but they decline. They do their interview and say that they have been fluctuation between doing well and being middle of the pack. In the next leg, they are going to try and be Team One. Because if wishing made it so...


Rob and Kelley arrive at the pit stop and are stoked that they are Team Seven.


Out on the road, Caitlin and Brittany are screaming at their becak driver again asking if they are going the right direction. Of course, he doesn't speak English and they are going cray cray about it. They literally jump out of his becak and into another one headed the other direction when they realize he's going the wrong way. They don't even wait for their driver to turn around.


At the U-Turn, Gary and Will find out that they've been U-Turned. They debate who might still be behind them to U-Turn. They know the blondes are out there and they think Rob and Kelley are still out there. They make what could be a fatal mistake in choosing to U-Turn Rob and Kelley, who have already checked in at the pit stop.


They head out to do the Egg Head challenge.


Caitlin and Brittany are berating their NEW becak driver demanding to know if they are going the right way. He takes them to...the Egg Head challenge just as Gary and Will are arriving. Caitlin and Brittany run around looking for the U-Turn box completely confused why they see Gary and Will doing the egg challenge.


Gary and Will don't see the girls, though I can't imagine how they don't hear them screeching about not seeing the U-Turn box. Gary and Will say they aren't giving up until it's over.


The blondes finally realize they're at the wrong place and race out to the becak as Gary and Will finish the task.


The girls get to the U-Turn and get the clue, then the driver loops them in a circle back to it. So of course they screech at him "YOU TOOK US THERE ALREADY!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!"


In the post-leg interview, one of the blondes says "It's so freaking frustrating when a guy from this country can't speak any English!"


Um, bitch...what country do you think you are in?


Gary and Will get their clue and catch up with the girls. Their becaks are literally in a neck and neck race right next to each other as they come up to a fork in the road...


...and each driver takes a different fork! Whoa! Suspense!


The blondes screech at the becak driver to ask if he's going to the right place.


At the pit stop, Gary and Will race to the mat.


We cut to the girls who...are still on the road as their becak driver turns around because he was going the wrong way! I'm kinda convinced these drivers are doing this on purpose because they don't like to be screamed at by entitled blonde bitches.


One of the girls turns around and yells at the driver, "You just cost us the RACE, bro!"


She should be shot just for using the word "bro," let alone her other behavior.


Back at the pit stop, Gary and Will check in. They say they got lucky. They had time to do a whole second detour while the girls were being driven around in circles, so I'd say they are right.


The girls come in and Phil eliminates them. They blame their driver for being "a hot mess."


They interview later that they think they "are a lot better" than Gary and Will, "but whatever."


As they walk away, the mat greeter says "selamat tinggal (Goodbye)."


Next week, the teams head to Bangladesh and there is some drama with a bus and a boat.


Selamat tinggal, folks.

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