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October 7th

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In what may be truly excellent or really awful news, depending on how you look at it, I’m writing this recap while drunk. Very, very drunk. I was at a family dinner tonight and let’s just say that I am about three and a half glasses of wine and two shots of whiskey over my usual limit. I apologize in advance for any ramblings, or nonsensical musings, or unnecessary swearing. Sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.


So in watchable Sunday night television that isn’t Once Upon a Time, the Good Wife, Homeland, or Dexter, here’s episode 2 of the Amazing Race. Aaaand… we’re late. So what else is new? Although, at least they finally built in that half hour delay.


Previously on the Amazing Race, a bunch of people I couldn’t tell apart couldn’t find an abacus. Mostly. People got excited because you could win 2 million dollars, but it won’t happen b/c that kind of thing never does on reality television. Some other stuff too.


We open still in Shanghai, of course – the largest and fastest growing city in the world, according to Philimenator. The Two Million Hopefuls, Abbie and Ryan discover their over to Surabaya, Indonesia. The winner of this leg gets an Express Pass. I want to call these two the Innocuous Duo. Amy and Daniel, the Prosthetic Team, are bummed about missing out on the two mil. Duh..


The Sri Lankan twins can’t pronounce Indonesia. Rob and Kelly reveal their sad past – Kelly’s husband died in an accident. He was Rob’s best friend. (Rob and Kelly are the Monster Truckers.)


Monster Truckers get their tickets first – Hong Kong to Indonesia. The other teams are all on a different flight that seems to leave later, but the Hong Kong flight has a four hour layover. All other teams are going directly to Indonesia. Everyone speculates as to where the Monster Truckers have gone. The teams all end up in Jakarta, except the Monster Truckers. They all have to find flights from Jakarta to Surabaya. Team Ridiculously Unnecessary Long Hair seems to have gotten on an earlier flight to Surabaya than the other teams. Monster Truckers are stuck in Hong Kong waiting for their flight to Surabaya.


Team Long Hair gets to Surabaya first, followed by all the other teams who went via Jakarta. Monster Truckers are still MIA. Team Long Hair discovers that the teams must take a number and then wait until 8 a.m. the next morning. Ah. The EQUALIZER. The other teams arrive. Team Prosthetic second. Innocuous duo 3rd. Then a whole bunch of others I can’t keep track of. Sri Lankans and Lexie/Trey seem to be in a loose alliance. It would help if I had any clue who Lexie and Trey are. I think they’re one of the 20 something dating duos. Monster Truck still aren’t in Indonesia.


Monster Truckers finally arrive post-commercial beak and discover they’re last to grab a number. Monster Truckers claim to be thrilled to be last. Anyway, at 8 a.m., the teams are set loose to deal with a Bull Race. Okay, they go on a back of a motor cycle with professional drivers, and they have to race the bulls. Lame. There is like no skill to this. They basically have to sit there while a real driver does all the work. FYI, this is pointless. They go in the order they arrived, so it’s basically to stagger the teams by about five minutes. Long Hairs discover that the next clue sends them to a bridge.


Roadblock. “Who likes to party?” is the clue. Each team has to pedal a merry go round type machine with children riding and make eight balloon animals for the children. The children, for the record, are ADORABLE. They set my biological clock ticking like mad. One Long Hair does it – I don’t know if it’s the attorney or the rocker. I don’t care.

Team Prosthetic arrives next and the woman does it. Team Innocuous arrives 3rd and the woman does it. Team Chippendale next and a Chippendale does it. A Chippendale named Ja(y)mes. Then team Lexie and Trey, whoever they are, and the woman does it. None of of them can make balloon animals without popping them. My mom snarks that the kids are scarred for life. Probably.


Lexi says she’s a woman so she’s a multi-tasker. Whatever. What a random thing to say. THIS IS WHY I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE LEXI. Update: it appears Jaymes, with a Y, is the Chippendale doing this one. Sri Lanka arrives and one of them does it. They’re twins, so I’m confused. Nadiya I think. I love that name. Team Gots arrives and Team Blondes soon after – I have no idea which one is doing it. Team Fans next with Team Monster Truckers hot on their heels.

Team Lexi and Trey (Team Who?) are done first. Then team Prosthetics. Then Team Sri Lanka followed by Long Hairs. Many people done all at once. The guy from Team Fans are struggling, as are Team Blondes and Team Monster Truckers.

Tam Prosthetic has a cabdriver who is lost. Next clue: Detour: Ice by the Pound – deliver 60 pound blocks of ice to trucks, then take the truck to get a cart, use the cart to deliver to a store. Fish by the Barrel involves sorting fish and setting up a fish sale stall. Team Who (Lexi and Trey) decides to do ice. It reminds me of that old game Don’t Break the Ice. Man, I loved that game.


Team Sri Lanka decides to do fish. There are barrels of fish – they have to get two and then do… something. That involves crushing ice? I don’t even know, man. Team Substitute Teacher Fans are struggling with the balloon animals. Team blonde finally finishes, followed by Team Monster Truck. Will, of Team Fan, still hasn’t finished ANY balloons out of the eight required. His hands are mad shaking. My mom feels bad for him. Sadly, I’m a drunk jerk, so I’m mostly amused.

Gary tries to talk Will through it. It’s like, making a dog balloon. How hard can this be? Team Prosthetics is still lost looking for the car store where they have to get the Detour clue. Luckily for them, Team Monster Truck is also lost. Team Who is still loading ice. In the time honored tradition of the Amazing Race, they call each other “babe” a lot.


Team Sri Lanka is now figuring out the right way to sort the fish at their stall. One of them falls and the Indonesians are very amused. Long Hairs end up at a tire store instead of a car store. CHippeandales get the Detour Clue, followed quickly by Team Innocuous (Abbie and Ryan). Both decide to do the Ice task. Meanwhile, Will just finished making all his balloon animals.


Team Prosthetics are super lost. Apparently there are a lot of stores named “Wijaya”, even though they are specifically looking for Wijaya Motors. Team Goat goes for the Ice task. Sri Lankans are so hot they want to rub the fish over their face. These two are hilarious.


Team Who is delivering their ice. I think Team Who (Lexi and Trey) and Team Innocuous (Abbie and Ryan) are basically interchangeable – blonde woman dating a brunette guy. Yawn. They’ll probably both make the finals. Sri Lanka finishes first. They are all looking for Pasar Pabean Market, the next pit stop.


Sri Lanka take off, followed closely by Team Who. Sri Lanka comes first and throws themselves on Phil, who is taken aback by their rank fish smell. God, Phil hates it so much when the contestants touch him. I love it. The Indonesian greeter is a man with unbelievably long fingernails. They’re like, 8 inches long. Gross. Love it. Hope he touched Phil. Sri Lankans get the Express Pass.


Team Who is second. Sri Lankans are still so excited they jump all over Trey and Lexi, their almost alliance partners. Long Hairs finally found the detour clue, followed by the Blondes. Everyone is going for Ice. Team Super Fans tell the camera they think they’re screwed as they head to the Detour Clue. Chippendales finish and head for the Pit Stop. They finish 3rd. Team Innocuous of Abbie and Ryan are fourth. Team Goat are fifth. Team Prosthetics and Team Monster Truckers are still lost. Amy of Team Prosthetics asks a random Indonesian woman if they can call information to find out where the Wijaya Motors is located. The Indonesian woman is all WTF and says they don’t have Information in Indonesia.

Team Monster Truck’s driver has figured out where to go, but the guy on the team tells the driver, “You cost us lots of money, bro.” HATE HIM.


Long Hairs searching for the Pit Stop. Team Super Fans and Team Monster Truckers arrive at the Detour clue at the same time at Wijaya Motors. Both go for Ice. Elsewhere, Team Blondes struggle with their Ice cart and the Indonesians mock them heartily. Long Hairs checks in at the Pit Stop in sixth. Team Super Fans thinks they’re in last. They have not reckoned with the lost Prosthetics team. Sad, because I like them. Prosthetics finally finds Wijaya Motors and heads off to do their Ice Detour.


Blondes, whom Phil tells me are named Caitlin and Brittany, because of course, are seventh. Team Super Fans argue their way through carting their ice.


Team Monster Trucks are eighth at the Pit Stop. Team Substitute Super Fans are searching for the Pit Stop as Team Prosthetics stacks their ice logs. (The ice looks like square logs.) Team Super Fans meanders but checks into the Pit Stop 9th. They’re shocked and obnoxious. They also insist on touching Phil, who just does not looked amused at all.

Aw. Team Prosthetics checks in last and it’s sad, because they seem awesome. They’re eliminated and there are tears. I am sad too, though not crying. Also, the wine gave me a headache. Horrible Cab Drivers again decide the elimination. Sad face. They’re also super classy. Til next time, HTers, when apparently there will tasks involving eggs, broken dishes and screaming blondes. Yeah, have fun with that Tsy.

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