Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
ff174

September 30

Recommended Posts

ff174   

We're back bitches!

 

TPTB have hijacked a replica of The Partridge Family Bus to carry this season's contestant's the starting line. And, to the background of 60's surf music, the best reality show on TV sets out on its 21st season.

 

We are in Pasadena, home of the Little Old Lady, and the starting line shall be the Colorado Street Bridge. Lets' meet the teams, shall we?

 

Trey and Lexi - Hey! Could that be Danielle's Trey? Because that would rock. Anyway they are from Texas, and seem to like cavorting with a lot of cows. Maybe they do know Danielle.

 

Natalie and Nadia - Fuck! Twins. Full disclosure. I tend to not give a shit about who is who when it comes to same sexed couples. It seems pointless. It is even worse when they are twins. So, don't expect me to go through the trouble of telling you who is whom.

 

Anyway, these two were born in the US, but were brought up in Sri Lanka. They also like to play one on one rugby, and hug trees ... literally.

 

James and Abba. One is a rock star who played with the like of Ozzie Osbourne, Slash and Megadeath and the other is an entertainment lawyer.

 

Josh and Frank, Goat Farmers and token gay couple. They grab a pitchfork, and do their best impression of the painting American Gothic.

 

Amy and Daniel. They are dating off and on. She is a double amputee, and a championship snowboarder. He can get lost. I think I love her.

 

Caitlin and Britney - Damn. They are not twins, but I'll be damned if I can tell them apart. They are college athletes, and the soccer player got a lot of yellow cards, while the basketball player got a lot of technicals. I couldn't care less about any of that, because they are hot.

 

Rob and Sheila, engaged. She was a business woman, but gave all that up to be with him. He's a Lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and works all day. He cuts down trees, and skips and jumps, and likes to press wildflowers, He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars.

 

The previous riff was from Monty Python's The Lumberjack Song. If you look really closely, you'll notice the person in the bottom row, farthest on the right is Tom Hanks.

 

Gary and Will, substitute teachers and Best Friends. One of them is 6'6". The other is 5'1". They think they are cute and funny, but they are not. Each of them is annoying.

 

Abby and Ryan, dating divorcees. He compares their strategy to putting a choke hold on Abby and desiring world domination. Great start.

 

James and Jaymes. Really! REALLY!! I got one set of twins, a couple of blonds that I can't tell the difference between, now I get a couple of juiced up meatheads with similar names? Pass. Anyway, they are Chippendale Dancers, and I could not care less ... no matter how hard I try.

 

Rob and Kelley, Monster Truckers. Other than the fact that he reminds me of Adam from BB13, I got nothing.

 

Phil greets them all to the Amazing Race. He gives his usual spiel, promising lots of surprises. The first surprise is that there is a $2 million dollar prize available, but only if the team that wins the first leg wins the last leg. He lets them know that their first clue is an the bottom of a ten story rappel from the bridge.

 

Ready? GO!!!!

 

The racers head off, and we are on our way. Everyone handles the task pretty well, except for Gary, who seems to have a problem with heights. Unfortunately, he doesn't plunge to his death. Once the racers get to the bottom of the rappel, they find their backpacks, and learn that they are headed to Shanghai, China. They climb into their product placed Ford Escapes, and head to LAX.

 

Phil tells us that there are two flights. The first flight, carrying seven teams, arrives about an hour and fifteen minutes before the second.

 

The first flight will carry The Chippendales, Britney and Caitlin, James and Abba, Amy and Daniel, Abby and Ryan, Natalie and Nadia and Rob and Kelley make up the first flight. The others head off on Flight Loserville.

 

Once in Shanghai, the teams head off to Yuanshen Sports Center Stadium, to find their next clue. Once their, the clue posits "Who is ready to get paddled?" Well, it depends upon who is doing the paddling. But, seriously, each of the teams will be required to win one point against a junior table tennis champion. If they fail in their try, the champion will move on to the next table. Also, the champion will be required to change his "paddle" after each round, by using a frying pan, clip board and even an Amazing Race clue.

 

All the teams arrive around the same time, and most of them find the arena. Rob and Kelly are the exception, and spend some time wandering around China, looking for the clue. In the arena, everyone finishes up, with Natalie bitching like hell at Nadiya (or maybe, Nadiya is doing the bitching. Does it really matter? Whoever is doing the bitching needs to be punched in the scrum). Eventually, Rob and Kelly figure out where they are supposed to be, finish up, and all teams are headed to the find their next clue.

 

That clue sends them to a Chinese restaurant, where the teams find the dreaded double Roadblock. Whomever did not perform the table tennis task will be required to perform this one, which is to eat a bunch of frog's fallopian tubes out of a papaya.

 

Say no more.

 

Part 2 tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ff174   

So, one by one, the teams enter the restaurant to discover how disgusting looking fallopian tubes really are. It's hard to describe, so I'll just assume that everyone watched the show and won't be headed off to China to partake in a heaping helping. The two restrictions are that you can't pick up the plate or the papaya from the table. Anything else, including sticking your mouth down to "slurp" the tubes is fair game ... which many of the racers do. It's more efficient than trying to eat the slimy little buggers with a pair of chopsticks.

 

It is during this time, that the second plane lands, and the teams all head to play a little pong.

 

Everyone does pretty well at the restaurant, except for whatever Chippendale dancer, who spits out a mouth of tubes, meaning that he has to slurp up the detritus from the table; which he does with great aplomb. Bet it's not the first time he's ever slurped up some liquid/food from a surface. Natalie and Nadiya become a little less annoying for a few seconds, when they do a little fallopian tube dance routine, which gets the other patrons to chant and clap their approval.

 

And then there is the case of poor Rob, he of Rob and Sheila. He didn't read the clue closely enough, and starts shoving the goop into his mouth with his hands, as well as lifting the papaya up from the table; which is a no-no. His punishment is to eat another round of tubes

 

He finishes up just as Trey and Lexi, from plane number two arrives. So, it seems, that the race for last place is between six teams ... you'd think.

 

The teams are all headed to some place called The Bund, which is a kind a concrete Strand, next to a large river. Once there they must find a woman with an abacus for their next clue.

 

This is where everything kind of goes sideways. Because once the racers get to the Bund, they all pretty much run around like a bunch of American Tourists using Apple's navigation software on the iPhone 5. In the case of Rob and Sheila, they somehow misconstrue the "counting" portion of the clue, and convince themselves that the next destination is the Bank of China. In other words, they missed the part about The Bund.

 

There are many shots of the racers zipping by the woman and her abacus, as well as outright lying about the clue's location. Eventually, Amy and Daniel (who is carrying both back packs) find the clue first, but forget about the fact that the word "Race" appears in the name of the show. They tell Abie and Ryan where the clue is located. This allows Abie and Ryan to steam by Amy and Daniel for first place.

 

Confusion continues to reign among the racers, as they all arrive at the finish line. To give you an idea how badly the teams biffed this part of the race, the following is a list of the racers in order of when they finished up at the restaurant, and where they eventually finished up and the Amazing Mat.

 

James/Abba - 6

Abie/Ryan - 1

James/Jaymes - 10 These two got their clue last, and fortunately, for them, they were able to speed by Rob and Sheila ... who took a side trip to the Bank of China.

Amy/Daniel - 2

Britney/Caitlin - 3

Natalie/Nadiya - 4

Rob/Kelly - 5

Trey/Lexi - 9

Rob/Sheila - 11

Gary/Will - 8

Josh/Bryant - 7

 

So, Rob and Sheila are headed back home, where Rob will resume his lumberjack duties.

 

"He's a lumberjack and he's okay ..."

Edited by ff174

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...