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September 19

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*fires up Tivo*


Well, here we are again.


Julie welcomes us to the finale. After a short intro, the audience begins applauding wildly. The camera moves to one section, which includes Jeff and Jordan, and right behind them are Rachel and Herman. I don’t recognize anyone else, but last night Beehoppy said she thought she saw Dan’s wife, Chelsea, too. #stalkermuch


Oh wait! There’s some goober who looks like Ian, sitting next to Ian’s mom. I guess it’s his brother.


So, we’re treated to a recap of previous evictions of Brit, Frank, and Shane, complete with Danielle’s blindside face. They show the final HOH comp, (part 1), then they go even further back to clips of other moments inside the house and BY. And, OF COURSE they show Jesse. Because FUG hates us as much as she loves him. Kissing...heartbreak... costumes...confrontations...and a funeral. It’s all here.


Coming up~ Part Two of the final HOH competition. *doop doop doopdoop doop doop*


Back in the studio, Julie gives us the rundown on tonight’s upcoming events. Inside the house, Dani, Dan, and Ian nervous. According to Beehoppy, Dan is wearing the same outfit as he wore for season. I decide to go back and look at the recap from that season. Heh. Funny how they’re all basically the same recap. I should just repost that one, change a few names and be done with it. Hmm... who’s doing to be Libra?


Also of note, that show aired on my birthday. I digress. Back to the present. And the future.


Julie gives each of them a title:

Ian~ The Superfan

Dan~ The Kind of the Blindside

Danielle~ Dan’s Loyal Student, (aka: AssMuncher)


Now we’re taken back, AGAIN, to the HG-on-a-hook comp, where we learn that Ian truly did throw that comp. As did Danielle. Dan misted them both to assure he won Part One.


Dan admits in the DR that he really wants to take Danielle to F2. He’s coming up with a backup plan, in case that doesn’t happen. He and Dani hatch a plan to get Ian too scared to take Part 3, so that Dan will have Dani’s blood on his hands.


Part 2 of the HOH involved scaling a fake building, putting former HGs in the correct order. First, they need to “clean” each window, by wiping off the black soot on them, to reveal the correct faces, then line them up from the top to bottom. Ian uses good strategy by only revealing the name on each picture. It pays off, earning Ian a time of 6:04, nearly a minute and a half quicker than Dani’s time of 7:31. Ian is the winner of Part 2!


Dani and Dan begin putting Plan B in action by fake-fighting over his reaction to Ian’s win. Ian is pissed about Dan’s reaction, too, but his is for reals. I think. I can barely keep up with all this! Dani yells at Ian, threatening to “taint” the jury if he takes Dan. Frankly, I think her just being on the jury will taint it.


Ian DRs, saying Dani’s being a poor sport. He says he doesn’t respond well to threats. In the BR, he gets on Dan for his display, saying Dan just won 500K with that. Dan calls Dani a baby. He thinks he still has a chance to get Ian to throw Part 3, so Dan can stab Ian in the back. Ian informs Dan he will not be throwing the comp. Ian is not a dumbass.


It’s time for the bitter jury segment! Ashley totters in, followed by Britney, Joe, Frank and Jenn, who schlongs her way in. Brit asks who is coming next. Ashley says, “Shane!” Joe and Frank hope it’s Dan. Ashley and Brit excitedly hug when Shane walks in. They can’t believe Dani had a hand in sending him out. Shane isn’t sure if Dani knew about it, or not. Jenn says Dan and Dani were in “cahoots”. Shane says he and Dani were in cahoots, physically, for the last couple of days), and she played him. He also said he got “mystified”. Or, Mist-ified. Back up, Shane. You were "physical" with Danielle? I've seen better moves from my algea-eating snail.


Joe starts the discussion about Ian, saying he won comps and helped with the creation of the Quack Pack. Britney agrees, saying Ian had to make some tough decisions he didn’t want to make. Frank says Ian should have stuck with him. Britney calls him on that, saying he thinks everyone should have stuck with him. Jenn calls Ian a rat. She says where she comes from, rats eat cheese. Everyone, including me, has a WTF look on their face. Oh! Jenn’s “on fire” over what Ian did. Watch out! She’s going to burn it down! Somebody dial 9-1-1...


Next they talk about Dani. Most feel Dani has latched onto Dan and that she didn’t have to try as hard as some of the others to stay in the game. Frank thinks it’s not a bad thing since it got her to the end. Joe agrees, it’s a strategy. They all agree she was able to win some comps. Shane stops staring off into space long enough to ponder wether she deserves his vote for getting him out, or not.


Ashley brings up Dan’s strategic gameplay. Jenn says that kind of game works for her, (so, pretty much the opposite of how she played). Brit says he’s running the house. She says there are no rules for BB. Joe says there ARE rules for life. Obviously he hasn’t seen the one about chinginas. Or washing your hands after touching your pee-pee.


Jenn says they’ve all been sneaky and lied. Frank brings up Biblegate. Jenn says her mind is pretty set on who she’s voting for. Brit reminds everyone there are still things left to consider once they know who the F2 are. Shane says the questions he asks the F2 will decide their fate. Oh, Shane. Don't ever change.


Back in the studio, Julie tells us Part 3 of the final HOH is next.


After the break, it’s time to get this competition underway. Jule reads them a series of questions, each with two possible endings. The HGs will then answer A or B.


Ian wins the comp, with a score of 5-2. It’s such a blowout, Julie doesn’t even need to read the final question. Ian is unemotional when Julie announces his win. Dan seems resigned to the fact that he tanked that comp. Dani has total bitchface going.


After the next commercial, the camera identifies Danielle’s family. Who’s the goober in the red shirt? That would be fucking hilarious if it were her “boyfriend”, Trey.


Turning to the house feed, Julie addresses the final three. She lets Ian know the decision is his. Ian, saying this sucks, tells Danielle that although she’s the sweetest person he’s ever met, (he doesn’t get out much), he has to honor the commitment he made to Dan and evict her. She mopes to the door.


As soon as Dani enters the studio, she turns on the fake. Inside the house, Dan and Ian do their (overused and outdated) renegade move.


During the Chenterview, Julie wants to know why Dani didn’t work out a just-in-case deal with Ian. She replies that she didn’t want to have too many deals out there for fear they would come back to bite her. Dani says Ian didn’t want to take her because he felt she had too many friends on the jury. She says it was a cowardly way to do things. She also says she’s confused, not knowing if Dan threw that final comp, or not.


Voting is next! Stay with me!


Next comes the jury. Ashley, Britney, Frank, Joe, Jenn, and Shane enter the studio and take their seats.


Julie asks Britney who she thinks will be joining them. Brit says she hopes it will be Dani. Frank hopes it will be Dan. So, Britney gets her way, and Dani comes in and literally throws herself at Shane. Watch out, peeps! They're cahootsing! Julie informs the jury that Ian won the final comp.


They have a chance to question the F2, then voting will begin. The questions were decided by the group.


Ashley says a giggly hi to Ian, then says he takes credit for creating the Quack Pack. She wants to know if he made his own decisions or only did what the group wanted him to. He says he totally took his own destiny in his hands and made his own decisions. Dan disagrees.


Frank asks Dan if he can justify swearing on the Bible or his wedding ring. Dan says he was forced to make decisions that he’s not proud of. He said he could have probably gone about it in a different way. He said he figures he’s got to go to confession anyway, so may as well.


Jen tells Ian she hates snitches, (she's Sue Hawk, all over again). She wants to know why he snitched on her and Frankenboogie. Ian say when he “made” the Quack Pack, he had to go against his original alliance, (Dan is shaking his head at this), He says he used the snitch info to his advantage.


Dani has been sitting through this whole thing with the duck-lipped bitchface on.


Joe’s question: “Dan, you said you’re up to your elbows in blood, yet you’ve only won one HOH. What blood are you talking about? What are you trying to take credit for?”

Dan’s response is that he had to stab almost every one of them in the back. He says they were so “tough”, (like mutton, only less gamey), it was his only option.


Britney asks Ian why he deserves to win over Dan. Ian blathers on about building his own destiny, not using the built-in alliance he got at the beginning. He claims to have played a slightly cleaner game than Dan. Dan does not disagree with that.


It’s Shane’s turn. He begins with, “Satan”, then quickly amends it to, “Dan”. He asks why Dan deserves the win over Ian. Dan corrects Ian about forming the Quack Pack. He also called Ian, “Britney’s puppet”. Ian calls it “BULL” over and over, though it totally sounds like he's saying, "bowl". My husband makes fun of me for doing the same thing. I say it's total bull.


Dani asks Ian if he’s aware she and Dan had an F2 deal. Ian said he did not and hopes it’s not true. He said Dan gave Ian his grandfather’s gold necklace as collateral if Dan evicted him. Dani’s mouth drops about 12 inches. It’s a thing of beauty. Dan smiles and squirms.


Dan tells Dani he really would have taken her if he’d won the final HOH. Dani looks shellshocked. Ian does not look pleased and repeats, “his grandfather’s cross”.


As Julie tells them they’ll each have a chance to make a final statement to the jury, Dan is looking over at Dan asking, “Really?! Are you serious? Really?? Dan smiles and avoids looking directly at Ian. Heh. Dan is stuck in the house with him while we go to commercial.


Final speech time!


Ian goes first. He tells Dan he’s disgusted with him. He says he was going to keep it light and not badmouth Dan, but he says he’s going to have to lay into him a little now. He says he won 4 HOHs and 2 POVs, but Dan only won 1 each. Ian says he has a much better poker hand if they’re playing Texas Hold’em, (newsflash: they’re not). He says Dan started the game with three lives, but expended two of them in the first few weeks. He says he only had one life, yet made it to the end. Ian says Dan backstabbed everyone, including almost backstabbing him after giving him his Grandfather’s cross, (enough with the cross!). Ian said he played with three things: probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart. He should have added the hammock. He also said he covered his bases when he needed to and controlled his own destiny.


Dan rises and begins his speech by saying he knew he was in trouble after the reset. He couldn’t compete physically like Frank or Shane. He couldn’t compete socially like Jenn or Joe, (wha??) He said Ashley was well-liked, and Britney was all that and then some and scared the life out of him. He says he owes a lot to his warrior, Danielle, (still sporting duck-lipped bitchface). He says all signs pointed him to play a ruthless game. He says he had to get Joe out, because Joe had his number. Dan says he never played the game “personal”. He apologizes if he embarrassed anyone. He says he hopes they vote for the person who used the only tools they had, and who played 24/7 the whole time. He says he hopes they’re not too mad at or disgusted with him.


Dan and Ian shake hands.


The jury members vote, one at a time.


Ashley, “I definitely put you on my dream board”.


Britney, “I think you’re both very deserving of this, and you’ve both played a really good game. Quack quack."


Frank: “I’m voting for who I think made the best decisions in the game."

Dan responds with, “Preesh. Hopfully!”


Joe: “Gentlemen, one hell of a summer together. Thank you.”


Jenn: “You guys, you both played an incredible game and it’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

Dan shouts out, saying she’s sold over a million records. Ian accuses him of kissing some butt up until the end.


Shane: “The things I want to say, Dan!” Then blathering, blah blah blah..


Danielle: “The only reason I’m voting this way is because I’ve tried to keep my word and I’m going to try to continue.”


The keys are all in place!


Julie tells us when we return from the break, the other HGs will be there to dish about the season.


We’re back with Kara, Jodie, Wil, Janelle, Jojo and Booger, who is wearing a Howard Stern shirt. Jodi’s dress is almost identical to Danielle’s! Hilar!


Julie reminds the evictees that anything they say can be heard by the F2. Julie turns to Janelle first. She wants to know what Janelle was thinking as she watched the season unfold. Janelle says, “besides all of Danielle’s lies, I think it was Dan’s gameplay. It was just amazing to watch on tv.” She says he had them all fooled and never tried to go after him. She says if Dan doesn’t win BB14, it will be an absolute travesty. I love you, Janey!


Janey says he’s hands-down, one of the best players of all time. Julie turns to Frank for a response. He says Dan was always one of his favorite players, but he doesn’t respect how he played the game this time around.


Ugh~ Booger speaks. He thinks Dan played an amazing game, and commends Ian on the journey he went on. He said he overcame a lot and will be leaving the house a man. He says the Quack Pack had a great alliance and one of them is going to win. Brilliant deduction, douchelord.


Shane asks Dani if his eviction was pre-meditated. She says she had NO idea. Dan backs her up on this. Shane wants to know why Dan swore on Chelsea, etc. He said it’s just how he had to play the game because he’s not a physical competitor, nor was he as well-liked as Shane. I think he meant to say, "clueless"


Wil probably says the thing that makes the most sense. He reminds them all it’s BB. They shouldn’t hold a grudge and should take some responsibility for falling for the lies. He says, “Be mad at yourself.” Sage advice coming from someone sporting braided bangs.


Julie reminds the ex HGs there will be a $25,000 prize for America’s Favorite. Somebody loudly whispers, “Jodi!” Poor Jodi. She’s this years’ running gag.


It’s finally time to crown the winner!


Julie begins to pull the keys out of the box.


Danielle: Dan

Shane: Ian

Jenn: Ian

Joe: Ian

Frank: Ian


Julie announces Ian as the winner. He and Dan hug, and he runs out to a cheering audience and lots of confetti. Everyone crowd around, congratulating him. After a few moments, everyone in the studio begins to quack.



We return to see Julie holding Britney and Ashley’s keys, both marked for Ian.


No Danslide this year!


Julie asks Ian how he feels. He says it’s easily the best moment of his entire life. Yeah, dude, but you’re standing next to Jodi! Somebody get Kara in there, STAT!


Proving that either this show is rigged or America is just stupid, Frank wins America’s Choice for favorite player. Seriously. How does that happen?


Julie reminds everyone to tune in to The Talk tomorrow, where they’ll interview Dan and Ian, (who looks like he’s about to have a heart attack), and Danielle, (STILL with the duck-lipped bitchface).


We end the show with people laughing and hugging while congratulating Dan, Ian and Frank. Meanwhile, Dani has Shane practically cornered. Dude. Good luck with that.


From all of us at HT: QUACK QUACK!

Edited by tooletta

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