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April 18

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So I just got back from seeing “The Hunger Games” and now I know the end result of all reality TV shows: death to the contestants. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? Also, I think they made the host’s hair blue in honor of Probst’s trademark shirt color.


Previouslies give me a final glimpse of Hellooooooo Jay’s Abs, which frankly we hardly got to know at all. I find this upsetting because the only eye candy Survivor is giving us now is Tarzan in his blue polyester Speedos. This is not a good compromise.


Nightvision camp after tribal finds Troy(zan) parannoying and deciding it was all Christina’s fault that she didn’t decide to be on the bottom of his alliance instead of the bottom of the girls alliance. Bargain Basement Snooki tells him to shut up and he raises his voice at her. This is behavior I approve of, but as he goes on, he decides his only way from now on is to win all the immunity challenges. I wonder why no one has ever thought of that before?


Morning dawns on Survivor Isle. Day 26. Troy is hectoring Chelsea about how unfair it is that Jay was voted out, and Chelsea responds, matter-of-fact, “that’s just the game.” Of course she is right but that doesn’t make Troy feel better, so he tells us that he has every right to be angry. But you know what pisses me off? When Chelsea tells Troy that Jay “took it like a man” and that maybe Jay deserved to be there more than Troy. I hate that “who deserves to be here” shit because none of you actually deserve to be there, you all just lucked out through the right place at the right time to get the attention of a casting agent. Deserve has nothing to do with it. And you all suck for voting out Jay’s Abs.


And now we get a real insight into Troy’s psyche as he complains that these “girls” are just acting like “women in real life” because they “get their house, they get their food, they get their stuff and then the act like they don’t need you anymore” and they say they’re done with the guy. Dumped much, Troy the Male Chauvinist Pig?


Reward challenge. It’s the traditional Survivor auction! Troyzan is actually smart about it and says he is not going to buy any food, but save it for when Jeff announces that he is auctioning off an advantage in the game. Someone did his homework. Jeff (in a black shirt!) announces – and this is important KAT – that the bids are in twenty dollar increments and the auction can stop at any time, and you cannot share or pool money. First item up for bid is three donuts and a tall glass of iced coffee. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind some of that iced coffee right now. It looks good! $500! Oh, wait, I’m not in this. Chelsea is the winner. Next item is chips, guacamole and a margarita. Sabrina bids $400 and wins. Hope that is one tasty margarita. Next is a protein shake with extra bananas. Leif wins it and when he goes up to get it, just his floating head goes across the bottom of the screen. Yeah, it made me laugh. Next we have a Survivor shower with shampoo and toothbrush. Bargain Basement Snooki bids $20, and Kat the MENSA member bids….twenty dollars. Then she bids twenty three dollars. Finally someone with a brain (everyone else) helps her realize that twenty dollar increments means she has to bid an another twenty dollars. But Kim bids forty dollars before Kat can do the addition and wins the shower. Tarzan is warned not to stare but it’s Troyzan who can’t look away, the sexist pig perv. And while Kim showers and brushes her teeth, the next item up for bid is a BLT and chips. Kat bids ends up getting it for $180. When she goes to get the sandwich, she is surprised to learn a BLT has on it…BACON. Good Lord this woman is so dumb, it’s painful.


Anyone feel like getting naked? Next item is a big bowl of creamy peanut butter and chocolate. Jeff thinks there will be a bidding war and Kim wins it from the shower for $240. Probst doesn’t think there has been enough controversy so he tries to get Tarzan to bid, but the plastic surgeon says he needs new shocks on his truck and he’s keeping his money. And then Jeff brings out the letters from home. Tears start and Snooki bids $500 immediately, which does two things: the alleged teacher uses the phrase “my dad never wrote me” and by bidding $500, she prevents anyone else from getting their letters for less than that same amount. Tarzan forks over his cash and gets his letter and refuses to share with the crowd, which I actually kind of like.


Jeff asks Troy what he’s missing right now and gets the gut wrenching he is always poking around for when Troy admits to feeling completely alone and that he will have to do everything on his own from now on. As a PSA I would like to point out two words: Sole. Survivor. Or to use the greatest movie quote ever: There can be only one. And quit your bellyaching, Troy. But then Probst comes up with the advantage in the game, Troy bids $300 and the rest of the group gets on Christina’s case to outbid him. She does not, in the end, and Troy wins, which pisses him off because everyone wants him out. He bitches about stupid stuff again and finally Sabrina reminds him only one person can win the game. Final item up for bid is a giant yellow cake with strawberries. The entire tribe has sixty seconds to each the cake and they dive in like piranhas on a capabary corpse.


After the auction, we come back to some beauty shots and….um, what the hell? A human skull washed up on the sand. I’m just surprised a hermit crab didn’t suddenly pop out of it and start skittering away. Troy opens his advantage and finds out he gets to skip the first level of the immunity challenge and go straight to the second level. He tells the camera that he is going to win, he has to win. You cannot mess with Troyzan and everyone else is very scared of him. Yeah, that’s the ticket they’re scared. They are not avoiding him because he is a giant dick and sexist pig and is making a complete and total nuisance of himself.


Kim tells everyone else to spread out and look for another idol, which is exactly what Troy is doing. It’s smart and what they should be doing, all of them. And I’ll give Troy his due, when Kim came across him out in the woods, he pretended to be stuffing something in his shorts pocket to mess with her head that he might possibly have the idol. Kim thinks it would be a disaster if he wins immunity and also has an idol. No, dear, the disaster is that one of you numbskulls is going to be a million dollars richer when all this is over.


Immunity challenge time. The Tikitorch tribe comes in and for some unexplained reason, Leif has blue war paint all over his face. Tarzan has some sort of black paint that makes him look like a zombie, which could explain the random skull on the beach. The challenge is trifold: first the survivors must undo a rope with a gazillion knots and get a ring. Four will move on. The second part is bouncing a coconut off a trampoline to knock out three paper targets. The first two winners of that will go on to the final portion of our contest where they will use a slingshot to knock out three targets in a row with more coconuts. I wish I had purchased stock on coconut futures before this season. Troy reads his note and gives a “fuck you” face to the rest of Tikitorchers.


Challenge begins. Probst keeps a running commentary about how smart Troy was to spend his money on his advantage. Finally we get Tarzan moving on, followed by Kim and Christina. Second round time. Tarzan scores right off the bat, Christina isn’t even in the same area code. One of the ‘Zans suddenly has two targets and Kim is right behind. Finally, Troyzan gets his third target and gives a rebel yell, screaming at the other survivors that this is HIS island! ARRRRRRR!!! Sabrina speaks for us all when she says, “Oh please.” I almost like Sabrina. Probst can’t savor the moment, he needs his second person and it turns out to be the other ‘Zan, Tarzan. Final part of the immunity challenge begins and the ‘Zans are neck in neck until finally Troyzan wins and saves his sexist pig butt from going home. He takes it in all the good grace you’d expect, which is to say none. He claims to have been going fifty percent but now he’s ready to go, and he accuses the rest of the survivors of being scared to death of him. Pardon me for a moment.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Hooboy, that was a good one!


Ahem. Anyway, back to the show. Back at camp, Tarzan tries to explain to Troy that acting like an ass is not the way to go when you win, but Troy denies and says that’s just his personality. Well, it was just Napoleon’s personality to try and take over the world, too, but it didn’t win him any friends among the masked boobys on St. Helena in the end. Tarzan and Leif have a moment where they figure one of the two of them will be voted out. Troyzan tries to convince them that if they get Alicia and Christina to vote out Kim, they would have an advantage. Again, he’s not wrong, but he’s been such an ass, Christina and Alicia are not going to listen to him at this point. And this is what Tarzan was trying to tell him: don’t be such a jerk when you win because no one likes a sore winner.


Finally we’re on to tribal council. The jury comes in and HelloooooooooJay has shaved his beard. It’s not very suspenseful as we are just waiting to see if Tarzan, Leif or Christina (who committed the mortal sin of not outbidding Troy for the advantage) will be going. Oh, Probst tries to get things going, he tries his darnedest to get things worked up. Troyzan acts like the petulant teenager he obviously still is emotionally while he and Sabrina go back and forth verbally for awhile, until Probst puts his head in his hand. Troyzan tries, pointing out he, Tarzan, Leif, Christina and Alicia would be five against four, but either way, Christina and Alicia are on the bottom of both groups. Christina answers Probst like a diplomat and quotes back at him that it’s outwit, outlast, outplay.


Finally voting time. Troy votes for Kim, calling her a fantastic player and “probably the best girl here” which as we all know is not a high standard in Troyzan’s mind. Jeff goes to tally the votes and we have: Leif. Lief. Leif. Kim. Kim. Tarzan. Tarzan. Tarzan. Leif. Goodbye, coffin-sleeping mumbler. We hardly knew ye, since you are devoid of a personality. Thanks for playing, but you were pretty useless, except for the short jokes copssister has made about you.

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