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Survivor Recap - April 20

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Goodness gracious, how did I get the motherlode of all Survivor crazytown episodes?


Philip out-Coaches Coach and redefines the word crazy into something entirely new and hitherto unexplored, Grant apparently watches Divorce Court, and Julie does something that makes everyone watching at home cheer for her. Then she gets voted out.


And now your actual recap...


Previouslies. Peruse the recap from last week for recent happenings. In the meantime, we are also treated to footage of Philip showing cracks in his thin veneer of sanity, which will help new viewers when he goes completely and utterly batshit insane later.


Night vision gives up Redemption Island where Mike (who really did "wear the uniform") sleeps peacefully. Matt, wearing his hair off his face with a bandana, is in full prayer bargaining mode to OGG. David shows up and the three men in a tub speculate on how the duel - or as they dub it, the tru-el - will work. They figure out that whoever loses will be the first jury member(s).


Morning at Murlonio. Former and still current - since the tribes do not know the meaning of the word merge, from sleeping arrangements down to food supplies - Zapatera members Steve, Julie and Ralph-the-Human-Sweater chow down on fish and more rice than you get with the #3 Family Dinner from Golden Beijing Panda Garden Palace while they rehash how much of the previous night's tribal council was taking up by Philip "flapping his gums."


Said gum flapper sits near them, mumbling some nonsense magic chant sounds that sound like "homina homina" as he repairs his feather (singular) headdress. (Later when he mentions studying Buddhism I have a pang of regret at writing that sentence for possibly disparaging someone else's religion...then I remember it's Philip and he only said he studying Buddhism, not that he was actually Buddhist. Whew!) Steve posits their only chance may be if the Omatepe members get so irritated with Chief Federal Agent they vote him off instead of one of the Zapateras.


A vulture circles overhead. I'm sure that's not a metaphor or anything.


A swooping, vulture's eye view shot shows us Philip as he sits in the lotus position on a large outcropping of rocks. He is wearing his magic feather and let's us know he studied Buddhism. His meditation focused on his ancestors, who apparently managed to get a message across to trust Rob. They failed to mention that he should also stop acting like a putz as well.


Julie lets us know the food situation is good for the Zapatera members, since the two tribes never comingled their food once the merge happened. Something tells me that might have been Rob's decision in his calculated campaign to keep Zapatera as the enemy but no confirmation of that is offered to the viewers. They smack their lips with relish as Philip sits nearby, listening and counting how many shellfulls of rice Julie eat. He reports this informtion to his spymaster, Rob, and asserts that all the rice belongs to all of them! We are shows Philip stealing several scoops of rice from the Zapatera can. Rob, meanwhile, calls Philip the Rice Police.


"The rice police, he just wants to get fed

The rice police, he's going out of his head"


Tree mail notifices the separate but unequal tribe that all will go to Easter Island to see the upcoming tru-el between Mike, Matt and David. Peachy is in his signature blue shirt and pokes Matt's emotional vulnerability, who responds that he was very, very, very hurt by Rob and his Robbots (tm Shannon). Probst doesn't give a rat's ass how Mike the Actual Hero and David are feeling, so he gets right to the competition: stack a deck of cards past eight feet. The first two to make it stay on Easter Island, the last one is carted off to start performing jury duty.


Mike is up to eight feet minus one last card. He tries to balance a single card (they are about 5"x7"x.5", so not so much cards as small picture frames) at the top of a very precarious tower, which he does. Surprisingly, Matt also stays alive. Self-proclaimed brilliant David is out, but then making the jury was probably his master plan, because he's such a genius. His buff is incinerated and he blathers to the camera some platitudes abotu learnign of his inner strength, but since there is no crazy attached to it I didn't pay attention. Rob, however, lets us know his plan has been to send people to Redemption Island who have a chance of beating Matt and moving him to the jury. Luckly, those people are all found on the former Zapatera tribe. Yeah, you're not fooling me, Rob. Rob responds: "If Matt comes back and beats me, it's ovah." And honestly, all signs point to yes on that one.


Back to Tribe Amber's Stuffed Animal's Name and we're treated to a rousing chorus of "Rice wars!" from Rob and Grant, while Philip dances around in his pink bathing suit. And really, aren't we all grateful that he's wearing a bathing suit and not his pinkie-loosies?


Don't get used to it.


Rice Wars commences. Andrea opens the Omatepe rice and discovers their container has a crack and the rice has maggots and is moldy. Yeech! My scalp is crawling. She tells us Philip decided to dump all the rice out on a blanket and separate out the maggots (hey, that's protein!) and mold, but now they have nowhere to put the clean rice. Rob suggests asking Zapatera to combine it with theirs in the one good container. And Philip rationally says, "They aren't going to want to do that. I wouldn't want to do that if I were them." Remember that. Andrea asks Steve, he says no, she walks away.


Then Philip decides to get involved and starts lecturing Steve that after the merge everything EXCEPT rewards is together. These are Survivor rules according to the Mayor of Crazytown, who is also the Rice Police. He can't believe Steve won't co-mingle their perfectly good rice with theirs in the one good containter that is left! When Steve says no again, Philip says he is going to run off with their rice and hide it, and while he is ranting about this, his hand is forming the universal finger-thumb gun. Nice symmetry there, Phil. Threaten Steve with the only weapon you have available: imagination. Steve, showing surprise at Philip's insistence at continuing Rice Wars, says, "You dumped it the fuck out" and that really sets off Philip's descent into madness. Let's do this verbatim:


Philip: I'm a very reasonable person to deal wtih.

Steve: You're not reasonable at all, dude. You're a fucking lunatic.

Philip: I know I am. That's the thing that you don't ever want to forget with me.

Steve: You're a daaaaaaaaaaangerous man.

Philip: You need to remember that. You need to keep that in your mind, ZAP. That's your perception that anytime somebody of...of...of...uh...uh...of my color gets up in one of your faces then you feel like I'm a lunatic, I'm crazy.

Steve: So now you're making it a black thing?

Philip: Yeah I think that's what this is all about, right now between you and me. You're the one who raised the issue by calling me a lunatic because I'm making a rational argument. I make the rational argument that we want to take the dry rice...

Steve: (incredulous) You're making this a black and white thing now? Wow.

Philip: I made the rational argument that we don't want to keep the rice outside that can and you know what you told me? That I'm a fucking lunatic because I don't want to do that. How rational is that? That is not a rational argument. You know what? You need to make the decisions that you need to make and i need to make the decisions that I need to make.

Steve: Right on, brother.

Philip: We'll go many y mano if we have to. Remember I'm the chief of counterintelligence. Wang Chung Kung Fu expert here!

Grant: It's like watching 'Divorce Court.'

MrsGryn: Rational and Philip are not in the same area code.


We get scenes of Philip pacing around camp while he says that Steve thinks he's better than Special Agent Phil and there are some "slight" racial tones to it. He tells us "they" are the ones who go to the next level of crazy.He tells us about a lot of black me who self-destruct then mimes taking out a gun and indiscriminately shooting it. He assures us that if "you don't start none there won't be non, but if you start it I'm gonna finish it." He gobsmacks me from such a vast lack of self-awareness, something more profound than we ever saw from the previous master of self-deceiving dialog, Coach.


Philip sits in a camp chair and keeps muttering about Rice Wars while Steve fills in a confused looking Ralph about the previous conversation. Ralph cannot seem to comprehend what exactly went on, but that seems to be his general expression most of the time.


And guess what? Philip gets offended! He starts up again with Steve about being called crazy and when yet again we hear he was a federal agent, Steve (OGG love him) snaps to attention and salutes Phil in an awesome display of sarcastic disdain. Philip really starts getting worked up now and tells Ralph, "Everytime I make an argument with one of those guys I'm crazy, 'that n_____ crazy.' Get out of my face with that. I'm tired of hearing that."


Repeat, repeat, repeat.


Steve says to the camera that Phil doesn't have a chip on his shoulder, he has a log. Word, Steve. And as he and Julie chat, while she sews a straitjacket for Philip, Steve points out the obvious: no one that certifiable could have been an agent for the CIA or the FBI. He thinks Phil was discarded somewehre, which lead to the permanent shoulder log.


Rob privately laughs about Rice Wars devolving into Race Wars, but he's even more delighted that Phil is public enemy number one. He just needs to figure out who to make public enemy number two and he's a sure winner in the final tribal council.


Immunity challenge time. Andrea gives up the immunity necklace and in doing so loses half her body weight. The challenge itself is twofold: run around in circles to get a disk off a column then place it on a larger disk and do a puzzle that fits into the middle. First six to finish move on to the next round. Rob, Julie, Ralph, Andrea, Steve and Grant all move on. Philip fails and we can only assume puzzles was not a core requirement in spy school. The second round is a squeaker as Steve just barely misses out to Puzzle Master Rob. Steve just sighs because he knows, as do the rest of us, that he is going home. He'd like two of Omatepe to change their hivemind and vote for Phil, but there's no conviction in his voice, only resignation.


Back at camp during the segment normally reserved for wangling votes and negotiating alliances, we get none of that. What we do get is Julie taking Philip's pink bathing suit and burying it in the sand. Not surprisingly, Philip is not pleased with this development and expresses his displeasure at Steve, whom he is convinced took the swimsuit to mess with his rational mind.


Tribal council time. Probst starts off with commenting on Philip's attire, or lack thereof. Phil says, "A former ZAP! stole my clothes!" while he stares daggers at Steve. With prompting from Peachy, he claims he can tell due to his former training as a (all together now) special agent.


By the way, I have managed to locate, at great cost, an image of Philip's special agent badge.


Rice Wars is revisited and as Steve mentions Phil's use of the N-word, jeff says "Whoa!" and looks concerned, as if he hadn't already viewed the raw footage an hour earlier. You aren't fooling us, Peachy. Julie pipes up and rehashes crazy talk. Phil works himself up again and all but calls Steve a racist outright. Probst continues his audition to take the place of Oprah and tries to mediate Philip's endless loop of "Crazy = n-word" into some semblance of rationality. Phil asks Jeff if he knows what it's like to be a womanh and with a perfectly straight face and serious demeanor, Peachy says, "I don't." Phil makes his clunky point that Steve doesn't know what it's like being black, which on its surface is true, but still has nothing to do with Philip being a nutjob.


More rehashing from Probst, then Rob and the leftover brunette, whose name escapes me because she's such a non-participatory nothing on this season, both natter on uncomfortably about Rice Wars, saying nothing original or particularly helpful. Jeff, though, has one last question before the voting: "Who took the shorts?"


Julie gleefully throws up her hand and says, "I took the shorts, Jeff!" Peachy smiles and says, "Thank you!" then preens about his successful therapy session.


Voting begins. Ralph continues his unabated streak of being unable to spell the simpilest of proper names correctly by writing down "Phile." I'd like to think he was doing a clever rift on "vile" but that would probably give him too much credit. Time to count the votes.


Two for Philip, one for Phile. Then Julie's name starts popping up and she is voted out. I have two theories on this. First, last week she made a comment about how Rob is running a cult and L. Rob Hubbard was none-too-pleased with that remark. Second, Rob didn't want to take a chance that Steve had an hidden immunity idol and would play it. Julie gets up and tells Philip, "I guess you'll never find your shorts" and her torch is snuffed, while Phil lives continues to out-Coach Coach.


After tonight's episode there has been a sea-change in the Reality TV Levels of Crazy. New rankings are from least nutty to Def-Con Six:


1-Toni from that pirate ship dating show

2-Ghost of Cappy worshippers

3-Donald Trump


5-Gary Busey


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