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Survivor Recap March 9

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Previously on Survivor (see tismissella’s fine recap) … Bottom line? Russell got his sorry ass voted out by "a bunch of bitches!" Squeeeeeee! Jeff's voice cracked a little bit as he narrated Russell's demise.


Survivor in real-time:

Russell arrives at Redemption Island, where he is surprised to see Matt, since he was told Matt "lost to a girl" in the previous challenge. Russell speaks to us of bitch slapping his tribe for voting him off, and cannot get over the fact that he's been lied too about Matt. Apparently Russell-the-big-fat-liar never heard of karma before. He was certain he could "beat a girl" in the challenge but now is not so sure. Then he remembers who we're dealing with here -- THE King of Survivor -- and cockily promises to take Matt out since he's a rookie and will be nervous at the challenge. Meanwhile, sweet Matt shares his admiration for Russell -- "blindsided by Rob, bunkin' with Russell," while Russell asserts that Matt's a nice kid and all that, but Russ is gonna make Redemption Island his house now.


<Abbreviated opening credits, hopefully to allow more time for Russell's crying>


We find ourselves over at Camp-Rob, where Crazy Phillip is sweeping dirt with a palm frond (?), waking everyone up in the process. He earns the nickname "saggybottoms" from Rob due to his saggy pink drawers, which are the only element of "clothing" Phil is currently wearing. Rob discusses how his saggy old man bits are hanging out of his tighty-pinkies, which just ain't right cause they just ain’t tight. All of America thanks CBS for the blurring of the bits.


Over at Camp-Russell-begone, Stephanie bitches to Krista about losing their beloved Russell. Ralph Mansweater decides this is the perfect opportunity to tell the others about his Immunity Idol while the Russell-groupies are out of camp. The others are shocked that Ralph has the Idol, and Ralph tells the camera how he captured them with this news, and a whole bunch of other stuff, but we’ll need to wait for Probst to translate all that for us. Mike is very happy about the Idol news, but worries that EvilRussell may return, which would suck.


Back at Camp Rob, Saggybottoms gets tree-mail which has the invite to the Redemption Island epic battle between Good vs. Evil. He begs to go, and asks Kristina if she wants to come with him – all agree that’s okay with them for the geezers to attend the smack-down. Special Agent Phil is thrilled, as he will put all of his spidey senses to work while observing the challenge, and learn everything he needs to win Survivor. In the other camp, Ralph and Sarita head off to hopefully watch Matt finish what their tribe started – the early demise of Russell.


On Redemption Island, Team Good says he is going to honor God in the challenge, which will make him win. Team Evil says he is going to honor God-Russell, so he will win. Jeff describes the challenge, which has something to do blocks and ropes and tripwires, and the loser goes home. “Do or die,” says Jeff. The challenge begins and Jeff narrates in his typically annoying fashion. It appears to be some kind of dominos thing. First they are even, then Matt is in the lead. He gives it a try and …… he falls short – has to restack his blocks and opens up a great opportunity for Russell. Sophy's heart stops for a minute as Russell tries next and … FAIL! Sophy pees a little. Re-stacking of blocks commences. Matt tries again and … MATT and GOD WIN!!!!!!!


Jeff congratulates Matt, and gets ready to send his man-crush, a now weepy Russell packing. Russell has tears in his eyes. Sophy would feel bad for him, but just can’t, even though he’s sobbing now, and Sophy is a sucker for men who cry. Apparently Russell’s tears having healing powers, as he pulls himself together and starts trashing his team for tossing him, losing the challenge on purpose, saying this isn’t how he wanted to play the game, blah blah blah. Ralph says, "Mush twang jibber jabberdy-do" (in essence, challenging Russell’s damaging words about their team), and taunting him by telling Russell that he, Ralph, found the Idol 15 minutes into the game. This makes Russell laugh with skeptical derision, as no way dumb-ass Ralph could find an Idol that fast – those are Russell’s madskillz, yo! Ralph reaches for his bag, about to show the Idol, but Sarita whispers for him not to, so Ralph pretends he was faking and does not have the Idol.


Russell is able to leave with his bald toothless head held high, smug in his certainty that there is no way Ralph found an Idol, and though he’s a big crybaby loser, he is still the Idol King. Special Secret Agent Phil is smug in his certainty that Ralph is lying and does actually have the Idol, since Phil is an expert in reading liars – and thanks Russell for the information. Russell shuffles off, confused and broken, vowing never to play Survivor again!


The End. Great show – LOVED IT! A delight to recap. Wait … what? There’s more? Oh crap I’ve got 40 more minutes to recrap!


Rob wants to have a beach day – this will be his ruse to find the Idol. Except how can he hunt for the Idol if he’s in charge of beach day? Enter: Rob’s bowels. As soon as everyone is happily playing on the beach, Rob pretends he has wonky bowels to get out of the beach party so he can search for the Idol. They are all more than happy to let Rob’s dysfunctional bowels exit the beach area. Rob runs into the woods -- alone in the jungle with monkeys as his only companions -- and digs up 39 trees looking for the Idol. He is about to give up and head back to the beach before people get suspicious when he finds the Idol. He returns to the beach for fun and games, bowels magically healed.


Meanwhile Team-who-is-now-sans-Russell gets the news that Russell lost to Matt and is DUN! Ralph and Sarita tell everyone that when Russell lost, he cried hysterically, and then recovered quickly to become Russell-like. Stephanie doubts this depiction of her fallen hero, which leads David to realize she is still in Camp Russell. They discuss how tough Matt is, and how glad they are Russell is gone. Krista and Stephanie make snotty faces to other tribe members and vow to avenge Russell’s untimely demise.


Special Agent Saggybottoms and Kristina return to Camp Rob – on the way there Phil fills Kristina in on some wacky FBI plan about withholding information from the whole tribe, and then sharing information with a select few in order to save Kristina. Or Phil's saggy ass. Yeah, it made no sense to Kristina either. Once they arrive at Camp, Phil shares with the group that Russell lost, but offers very little other information, and when asked directly if anyone mentioned Idols, he lies and says no. Then Phil takes Rob and Grant for a walk, offering to tell them the whole truth, with names and everything, in order to help move Kristina up in the ranks of their alliance. Rob does not like this strategy but plays along to get the info that Ralph has the Idol, and that some tall woman is running the other tribe. After Phil wanders off, Rob and Grant speak of Phil’s imminent demise since he cannot be trusted.


Challenge time! It involves Craftsman tools and lots of digging and hammering and sawing and running – and the winner gets immunity, a BBQ, and fixin’s for grillin’! Team Russell-be-gone wins the challenge, even tho it appeared Stephanie might have tried to throw it – and Team Rob will see Jeff later at tribal.




Time for a feast at the winning camp – where they may be the biggest winners ever in Survivor history – they not only got rid of Russell, a supposedly strong player, but also, without him, they won a physical challenge and got a BBQ feast all in the same day/show. They start shoveling food into their empty gullets, and I will spare you the part about Ralph and the finger-licking-offer he made to the rest of his tribe. You’re welcome.


Over at Camp Rob, CrazyBottoms calls a tribal meeting – his pep talk about their great effort even though they lost the challenge is met with silence. He then annoys the girls by trying to micromanage their pouring of water into a canteen, after which he goes hunting for whatever it is he hunts for with that stick of his. Fortunately he is wearing shorts and not his saggy-drawers, but that's not enough to keep the girls from wanting him GONE. There is some speculation about whether Kristina has the Idol again. This bothers Rob, who wants her gone before Phil. Phil is annoying yes, says wise Rob, but she’s dangerous. A few peeps are not happy with Rob’s plan -- they want Phil gone -- which causes Rob to worry if people will stay with his plan and if not, that will mean he’s not really in control of his tribe.


At Tribal, Jeff asks why Kristina is always on the hot seat. Then he asks Natalie about second chances (she believes in them). Grant is asked if people can change in this game (yes). But Rob asserts she’s never been part of this tribe and it's too late for that now. Kristina speaks of voting out the weakest, the most disruptive teammate, naming Phil as her example of said perfect candidate. Phil defends himself – he’s a doer folks! He is disruptive because he works hard and that bothers these lazy bums. Kristina and Phil go back and forth.


Then Phil shares with the world has something called the shepherd stamp? (I played it back a few times and I think that's what he said.) He is one of 12 kids, his mother died young, he joined the army during peacetime where evidently he was an excellent garbage collector – so good he got a prestigious medal for doing it. Next came the FBI, where clearly “special agent” must have meant he was the head sanitation engineer or something. I totally see a Samuel L. Jackson a movie in there somewhere. Anyway the gist is, he deserves to stay.


The rest of the tribe agrees, sort of – Kristina goes 4-3, and heads to Redemption Island to snuggle with Matt. I have no idea who voted for whom, as they did not show the votes, just Kristina whining over at Redemption Island.


Oh and did I mention Russell is GONE?!?

Edited by Sophy

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