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Survivor Recap Feb 16th

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Yippee! It's that time of year again. Time for Survivor. Now last season when I did this, I had talked about how I had never watched a single episode of Survivor. Well, after last season, the count currently stands at one. That's right, I watched the season premiere, recapped and never turned it back on. I'm not a fan but I like to write and make fun of people so why not do both? If only I could find a way to play fantasy football while doing this, I'd be in heaven. Okay, enough of my mumbling, that's not why you're here. It's time for Survivor, Redemption Island.


We open with an Army Chopper flying over an volcano, then an island. Holy Crap, if this is lost footage of MASH and Colonel Blake is about to die, I'm turning this shit off and never watching again.


Oh never mind, there's Host Guy standing in the aisle of the chopper getting ready to speak. He tells us that were on a helicopter piloted by the Nicaraguan Air Force. He explains the rules. You guys know the rules and I don't care, so let's watch for a few minutes.


We meet Phillip first, he's a former federal agent and he owns his own software company. He looks almost exactly like Pedro Cerrano (“Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill.”)


Next is Matt, who is pre-med, what a look he has. I'm hoping he belts out a little Love and Affection at some point so I can sing along. He appears to also like God...alot.


Next is Ralph, he's a redneck. He says "dumb-ass" and "ain't never" during he diary room session. He sounds exactly like one of the two guys who takes all of Clark Griswold's money after he wrecks his car in the desert.


That's right kids, I pepper my recaps with 25-year old pop culture references. Get used to it.


Host Guy continues to explain the show and as he does it, they pan the castaways. I immediately look for the pretty young blond to root for. There she is.


Credits, let's meet our tribes.






















That doesn't seem like enough people. Doesn't this show normally have like 25 people?


Helicopter lands and they get off. We learn that Mike is a Marine and an Iraqi War Veteran. He thinks he's gonna win because he's been trained for something like this. I don't think that's what Uncle Sam had in mind when they were training him but whatever.


Host Guy welcomes them, they cheer. Two more players are coming in. Let's see who they are.


They are Rob and Russell. Everyone is excited to see someone named Rob and they are not so excited to see someone named Russell. I don't know these people but I'm assuming they do.


Okay, not true. I know that this Rob guy got married on TV to someone named Amber and Feedmecoffee used to blather on and on about how much of a douche Russell was. That's about all I know.


Stephanie claims that she's gonna stare him down cause when she does that, he'll know that she has a little evil inside. Yet she diary rooms to us that she's scared of him (not in so many words but I can read between the lines.) Apparently Rob has been on the show three times but never won. Russell has been on twice and made it far but never won. So they have experience, it's like they dropped Dan Marino and Karl Malone on them, two great players that have never won.


Francesca says that they're trouble makers.


Rob goes to Omatepe and Russell goes to Zapatera. Omatepe happy, Zapatera, not so much. Another twist, when you're voted out, you're not going home. Love and Affection is taken aback and his beautiful blonde locks blow in the wind. I hope he wasn't the pretty blonde I picked out in the beginning. Host Guy says you are sent to Redemption Island to live alone. Sounds awesome. You live there with the same supplies as your tribe. When the next person shows up, there is duel between the two. Winners stays, losers goes on Spartucus, Blood and Sand, has sex with Xena, then gets beheadded by some guy who looks better than me without a shirt...or something like that. At some point, the remaining person (most likely Rob or Russell) is allowed back to keep playing.


Seems like a cool twist.


They get maps to their camp and they are off. Russell is happy to be back, he says he's gonna sit them down, take control and be a leader. He makes his speech. He says he's not here to sabotage, this time he wants to win. David, who looks like that dude who shut the Parks Dept down on Parks and Recreation, not Rob Lowe, the other one, (current pop culture reference, I rule!) says he isn't buying the new Russell. He says “blood on his hands.” I hate him now.


Hillbilly guy is all excited about building his camp. He talks about where they're gonna tie the ropes, put up the tarp and what is considered their front yard so he know where to put the car up on blocks. Mike, who looks like Dinozzo tells hillbilly Ralph, who's taking his shirt off, that he has the most impressive man sweater he's ever seen. That was funny. So Ralph took off his shirt, then snapped his suspenders back up. He's gonna be fun to make of this season.


We get a nice A-Team style montage of them putting camp up. I'm hoping to see Mr. T sweating with that horrible “this is hard” look on his face as he welds a garbage can lid to a jeep to stop bullets. I love that show.


Why does Russell wear that stupid hat?


Over to the other tribe, they are also building their camp. Rob is odd, he doesn't seem like he wants to be there. Love and Affection says it's so great being there, they should just call it Camp Harmony right, most likely named after how he and his twin brother pumped out After The Rain, their follow up smash hit. Natalie is also happy Rob is there.


Francesca (I think) is not so in harmony though, she doesn't like Phillip because of how he's always trying to help. What a jerk. She says he's aggressive and in your face. Andrea, pretty young blonde, isn't happy that Phillip also tried to help her but she grew up on a farm so he can go screw! He reveals to them that he was a federal agent and that he's also an expert on telling if people are lying or not. He also loves women. Francesca again, not so impressed with him.


Kristina starts looking for the immunity idol. Rob comes over to her and she's going through stuff and after blonde girl walks away, he tells her he knows she's looking for it. She confesses she hasn't found it and he says he'll keep people from her. She's worried, she didn't come off as a big time player.


Rob points out to Phillip that there are five girls, four guys so they have to keep their eyes open. Rob and Phillip pledge their allegiance to each other. Phillip immediately goes off to one of the girls, Kristina I think and talks about how Rob is trying to split them up.


Russell and Stephanie go off together and talk about stuff. They talk about forming an alliance for the merge. She's happy because he always goes far. But they are seen by guy from Parks and Recreation, not Rob Lowe and older looking Jamie Gertz. Older Looking Jamie Gertz wants him out now while Parks and Rec, not Rob Lowe, talks to David about how Russell always picks a cute girl and takes her with him. They also want him out. They all basically want him out.


I'm sorry, I still haven't learned names yet.


Kristina wants the idol, she wants Rob gone. So she keeps looking and looking and looking. And she finds it buried under some rocks. She's very happy so she goes and hides it. Later on, as some of the kids walk down the beach (which includes a blurry ass on someone), Kristina talks to herself. She immediately checks in with Phillip and Francesca and tells her she wants Rob out. Fran is on board, Phillip babbles about something. Why is he in his red fruit of the looms. He goes into Sipowicz mode and starts interrogating Kristina. He is pretty annoying. They talk back to him. He's really annoying. He may have just saved Rob.


First challenge, roll giant blocks to build some steps, chop some rope to drop a ladder, climb to the top, put together a puzzle. Any chance we can get Jill Wagner to interview some of them while they're going? Winning tribe wins immunity and flint to make fire.


And they're off. Zapatera takes and early lead and stays with it. They build their first set of steps first and run up the steps. They get their second ladder down before the other tribe gets their first. Finally other tribe gets first ladder, then their second and run up to do the puzzle. Looks like their playing a big game of tetris with their puzzle blocks. Omatepe is catching up big time but Russell and Zapatera get the win. Russell brags. He says, “Rob is thinking, 'Oh crap, I'm stuck with a bunch of weenies.'”


Ashley is disappointed, she feels like she let Rob down. Yuck. Kristina tells Francesca about her hidden immunity idol. Kristina's doesn't trust the girls (shocker). Why do the girls always turn on each other on these shows? She wants Francesca to get the girls to vote for her (Kristina) while her, Francesca and Phillip vote out Rob. She plays the idol, Rob goes. Not a bad plan, I hope it backfires in Maggie's...uh I mean Kristina's face.


But Francesca doesn't really want to do it, she thinks Rob is strong and they need him. She tries to talk her out of it by throwing the same argument at her that Phillip was throwing at them earlier. They don't have numbers and pissing people off is stupid. Francesca thinks Natalie should go. Kristina's decides to go to Rob and a couple of the girls and just ask them who they want to vote for. He shrugs her off. He Diary Room's to us that he originally wanted to vote out Francesca but he's afraid Kristina knows his game plus she was looking for the idol. Rob tries to convince them to split the vote between Francesca and Kristina. If one has it, the other goes. He's very convincing and they're all in awe of him.


Phillip babbles more to Francesca and Kristina. He wants more info. She drags him off to the immunity idol to try to calm him down. She tells him that their three votes decide who goes. I don't quite understand her logic but she's watched the show more than me.


Phillip tries to see what they're up to. He wants to get rid of Rob. He claims when Rob goes, he will become the new leader of the tribe. He's a little nutty. At Tribal Council, Host Guy tries to start shit by seeing if he can get anyone to name a leader. No one wants to say anything bad except Love and Affection who remarks that when Phillip sees something counter productive, he'll call you on it which isn't always well received.


I kinda like Rob, he's really quiet and laid back but I think he's sneaky.


Francesca says the following, “If Boston Rob gets voted out tonight, which he's not...” Phillip and Kristina are not happy about that. Phillip spills the beans about them asking him to vote out Rob. Francesca denies. They argue, he yells. He always must have been Bad Cop. Rob smiles.


“I'm a former special agent, “ he says for about the 1000th time. He sounds like Jesse Ventura. “I'm a former marine, a former governor.”


Kristina mouths to Francesca to vote for Phillip instead. Francesca agrees. Phillips says to everyone that he will be voting for Francesca. He then spills the beans about the immunity idol. Everyone is surprised, even Host Guy, who I thought read the script ahead of time. Apparently not. Rob now asks if he was being voted out, they deny deny deny. Great Tribal Council. Rob seems to believe Phillip. He wants to see the idol. She hands it to him, he says, “Give me the idol and you'll stay.” She won't do it.


Time for the vote.


Rob votes out Francesca and says “It's so good to play with you amateurs. You give away so much, you don't even know enough to keep your mouth shut.”


We also see a vote for Kristina and we see Francesca vote for Phillip. Kristina doesn't use the immunity idol when asked. Through six votes, we are tied 2 to 2 to 2 with Kristina, Francesca and Phillip. Kristina gets a third, Francesca gets a third. Francesca gets a fourth and she's off to Redemption Island. On her way out, she reminds everyone to not trust Phillip. Host Guy tells them flint is waiting for them at camp.


The End.


That was some God Damn good entertainment.

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