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September 15 Show Summary

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*waves to Jerrye* You can go back to watching football now.


Julie Chen: “It’s been a summer of romance, betrayal, and sabotage, and for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the final three. The Animal, The Beast, and The Meow Meow. Tonight, one member of the Brigade will leave the house a half a million dollars richer. Welcome to the two-hour season finale of Big Brother.”


With that, the studio audience jumps to their feet, applauding, and I’m certain it’s not because of Julie’s outfit. Seriously, this outfit is downright dowdy. The color is bad, the cut is terrible, and the accessories are an embarrassment to stylists everywhere. I consulted our resident Sparkle Expert on this look. Beehoppy scored Julie a -5 Sparkle Factor on tonight’s look. It’s shameful, really.


Oh, wait! Things are looking up! I spy Zingbot 3000 in the audience. This finale has already improved 100%.


The “This Season on Big Brother... it sucked worse than ever” segment includes clips from the previous shows. This goes on for a full five minutes.


I have a tip. Next year, instead of wasting your time watching every show, just tune in to the finale, watch the clips from the past three months, and you’ll be up to speed.


After several minutes of F3 clips, Julie addresses Enzo, Hayden, and Lane. She tells them the final round of the HOH comp will be coming up soon.


Next, we’re off to the jury house. Britney arrives and brings news of The Brigade. The jury is shocked, ya’ll! They had no idea there was a real alliance. They all turn to Matt with a stink eye, for hiding yet another secret. The wife lie is revealed to Britney. She tells him how horrible the lie is, but says she knew he was a snake, regardless.


The jury deliberates. Discussion of how the Brigade ran the game without anyone else knowing. They had the votes and never had to worry about winning competitions. They all agree Enzo was friendly, fun and FUTR. They also agree that Hayden won some important competitions and was charming. They applaud his social game. Most of them agree that Hayden truly played the game. Rachel, however, disagrees. She thinks Hayden was manipulated by the others. I think we can all agree that Rachel is a dumbass. The jury believes that Lane is a nice guy. There is some disagreement about his strategy, some saying that he had none, while Britney argues that his gameplay was legit strategy. Brendon says none of them were real competitors, so they should be voting based on who played the best social game. Brendon is a dillhole.


The moment of HOH competition arrives. Hayden and Lane face off in the final round. Julie reads statements made by members of the jury. Each statement has two different endings. The guys have to select the correct ending for each sentence. After six questions, the score is tied, so they grab their chalkboards and have to guess how many times they were slammed against the walls during the Rumble in the BB Jungle comp. The answer is 2 Hayden wins with a guess of 91. My answer was “Not enough”. The correct answer is 250.


Hayden decides to evict Enzo, to the delight of nearly everyone in the free world.


Enzo joins Julie in the studio. He’s “not surprised”. He had “the best social game, ever.” Blah blah blah “Brigade”.


Julie calls him out on being a sucktastic competitor. He can’t deny that.


After watching the taped goodbye messages. Lane lies and says he was totally going to take Enzo to F2. Hayden says Enzo played a great social game, and he was afraid of going against him in F2.


OMOGG, the show is only half over! And this is the second time I’ve watched it. I deserve a medal. Or, at least a donut.


The jury enters the house. It’s very interesting to watch the audience respond to them. Rachel walks out, and NO ONE tries to give her a high-five. Kathy is next, and she had quite a few high-fives. Matt is next, and no one does it to him. Brendon is next and gets just a couple, as does Ragan. Britney enters last, and nearly everyone wants to high-five her. I’m going to guess the audience would have been a lot more responsive if they had been given hammers. Enzo joins the jury~ no high-fives for him, though the jury all pats him on the back.


The jury asks the F2 questions. Hayden and Lane pretty much suck at this, though I’d have to give Hayden the edge here for actually answering the questions and for not saying “you know” in every sentence. The jury isn’t as bitter as they often are and it’s just not much fun.


It’s time for Hayden and Lane to give their final speeches. Hayden makes some good points about his gameplay. He’s got me convinced to give him the win. Lane cannot charm me into voting for him because he’s not a good public speaker and because his shirt looks like ass.


The jury votes. America waits with bated breath, (for the show to end).


Annie, Monet, Kristen and Andrew join the jury onstage after a few clips of their time in the house is shown. Nothing can make me care about this portion of the show. Monet proves herself to be a hateful bitch, but it’s aimed at Rachel, so it’s okay with me. Kristen laughs as BB reveals her showmance with Hayden. The other HGs are amused by this and seem pretty surprised. Kristen says she’s no longer with her boyfriend, and she’s open to anything at this point. Hayden says he’ll take her out for pizza. What a romantic! Andrew talks about things that were surprising to him then admits to being a podiatrist, then talks about Matt’s lie. Andrew reveals the lie to Hayden, Lane and Enzo. Hayden is impressed with Matt’s acting ability. Lane is less impressed, saying not to make up lies about one’s wife. Can we move on from this subject, once and for all?!


Annie drones on about how Enzo deserves to be in the F2. As if.


Clearly, Julie hates us, as she asks Rachel and her MAN about their relationship. Rachel says that as much as she loves Vegas, she loves Brendon more and will probably move to be with him. Britney’s reaction is priceless and sums up how I’m feeling when she says, “that’s disgusting”.


Annie admits that her sabotage to convince people that there was a pre-existing relationship in the house was a lie, but it was effective, because people are still talking about it.


After some speculation on who the second sabbie is, (most of them think it was Matt or Kathy), Ragan reveals that it was him. Everyone seems pretty surprised, especially Matt. Ragan calls them all “suckers”, and I concur.


Julie reads the votes, although she does have a malfunction here.


Rachel votes for Lane

Kathy votes for Hayden

Matt votes for Hayden

Brendon votes for Lane

Ragan votes for Hayden

Britney votes for Lane

Enzo votes for Hayden, making Hayden the winner of Big Brother 12.


Hayden enters the studio, to much applause and confetti. Lane follows.


Finally, America’s choice is revealed. It’s Britney! She seems genuinely surprised. The show ends abruptly, and with that my job here is complete.



Big thanks to all the readers here, and for those who take the time to comment on our showcaps. Thanks also to my parter in ‘capping, Jerrye, who has the good sense to mention me in each of his showcaps. You’re a real pal!


Stick around and check out some of our other forums during the BB off-season, where you’ll find TAR and Survivor recaps and discussion, as well as lots of other fun threads to amuse and entertain you.


Here’s to hoping for a better BB cast and twist next season. *cheers*

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