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Everything posted by MrsGryn

  1. As usual, the episode opens on Extinction Island and now I’m bummed with have this twist because not only are we still stuck with the vocal fry stylings of Reem Daly but now we have Aubry crying about how she went home with an idol and an advantage in her pocket. As she put it, “that’s JT levels of embarrassment.” Oh, honey. As long as you didn’t write a love letter to your biggest enemy (Freckles) then you haven’t quite hit JT of Heroes vs. Villains bottom. Reward challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Atlantic Schooner shirt, for those keeping score at home. The rest of the tribes get a gander of the new Manu that now has one less Aubry. Reactions range from shocked to happy to pensive. Probst asks Joe what he makes of it. He says that Manu was strong but is no longer so strong. Today’s challenge involves leaping over a series of tables, pull a lever and release a shitload of sandbags. They will then use those sandbags to throw at targets to release two flags. First two tribes to win get the reward. Want to know what they are playing for? Well of course you do because otherwise you would not be reading this, would you? First tribe to finish gets coffee, tea, pastries and cookies. Second tribe gets iced coffee and cookies. Since Kama has one extra person, Aurora sits out. Survivors ready? GO! Tribes are pretty much tied going over the tables and all three tribes release the sandbags around the same time. Kama of course has all theirs in the bin first and Joe immediately starts hitting the target. Finally both Lesu and Manu finish getting their sandbags in the bin and are able to start throwing at the target. Gavin throws for Manu and while he is no Joe, he at least hits it a couple of times. As for Lesu Dodo Birds, well…remember when Kelley was complaining about David being like a girl? Apparently she hadn’t seen Warthog throwing sandbags at a target. Yes, I know I’m a complete hypocrite after bitching out Kelley for her gender disloyalty, but that’s my jam. Also I have seen five year old girls who can throw better than Warthog. Still happy you voted out Chris, you losers? Joe drops the first flag for Kama, Gavin gets the first flag for Manu. Finally Lesu switches out Lauren for Warthog and she manages to at least hit the target a few times. Warthog eventually says he can go back in and he once again whiffs the targets completely. Probst has nothing for Team Dodo and dismisses them handily. And of course Kelley bitches and moans to us about how Kama is riding on Joe’s shoulders and she wishes she had that and I once again yell at my television, THEN WHY DID YOU VOTE OUT CHRIS, YOU DODO BIRD? Kama eats their feast and refuses to check their egos at the door. Julie butters Joe up with more grease than in your average croissant, complimenting his skill at challenges and how they rely on him so much. Joe is not actually fooled by this but he seems to desperately want to believe them. We even see him crying in a confessional to the camera later, clearly articulating how difficult it is to want to trust the people around you but knowing no one can be trusted. Joe wants to take out some of the targets on the other Manu tribe, because let’s face it, Lesu is going to self-immolate soon. Speaking of which, over on Loser Beach, David is marveling at what it must be like to be Joe and be just amazing while barely breaking a sweat. While Lauren complains about being so hungry and getting sick from the rice to Warthog, David is out combing the tide pools, trying to spearfish them while Mr. Military Man sits on his ass because, as he puts it, he is the one putting all the effort out on the physical challenges. I would like to enter into evidence Prosecution Item One, tape of the challenge just finished where Warthog threw like a palsied koala bear. Anyway, Dickhead pulls David and Kelley aside to convince them that Lauren needs to be voted off next. Why do they keep listening to this moron? Nothing of what he has suggested has been helpful! David and Kelley immediately agree then go off to the well to complain about the monster they created. I have exactly zero sympathy. Back to Jurassic Extinction Island of the Damned. A mystery box has been delivered, containing five maps. Same as before but now with added moth-eaten holes. Horrid Reem Daly mentions no one should run off on their own so there is no paranoia, and Keith mutters, “No promises” at her. That made me laugh because considering how insane Reem Daly is, that response is pretty mild. “You aren’t the boss of me, bitch” would be my go-to response for anything she utters. Everyone goes traipsing off to the top of Mount Doom, but Dadbod Rick figures out the holes actually align and the item they are searching for is somewhere on the beach. He thinks it is by the surrender flag, so he sneaks back down to start digging. Eventually some of them return back to the beach. Reem Daly leeches onto Rick’s search area, but as she is looking at her own map, she figures out the item is actually among the rocks when the tide is out. She is wading through the water with Keith when she points at something and screeches, “What is that?” Way to be subtle. Keith, who has proven himself to be so trustworthy, heads right over to the object which turns out to be a box. Reem Daly tried reaching for it herself but the damage was done. The box contains a section of rope with some intricate knots and the clue tells the bearer that at the appropriate time their biggest threat can be assigned the knots. Keith is happy that he will be able to take out Chris, his biggest threat. Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched, Keith. The challenge you all face may happen in the water, in which case you should just nope out now and go get your burger. So perhaps you all think the worst part of Extinction Island this week was Keith getting the advantage over just about everyone else. Well, you would be wrong. Back at their meagre camp, Reem Daly tells Chris and Dadbod Rick how pissed she is that Keith touched the item first. They both laugh at her and then Chris says, “What the hell, Reem? You just gave it to him.” He is ruefully laughing as he says it, but of course Reem Daly is offended and tells us that Chris and Rick are “stupid” for thinking she just gave Keith the advantage. Now, if I’m going to be fair, which doesn’t happen often, I don’t actually blame Reem Daly OR Keith for what happened. Reem is someone prone to outbursts, outbursts of any variety. “Look at that giant blister on my toe!” “I like cheese!” “Animals are great.” You get the idea. So for her to blurt out “What is that?” is a natural thing for her. Keith, as has been shown, is a shady motherfucker so for him to pick up the item first is a natural thing for him. However, Chris is also entirely right in by pointing out the box while Keith was in the vicinity, Reem Daly unintentionally gave it to him. So for Reem Daly to have a temper tantrum at Chris, yelling at him that he has the biggest effing mouth in the whole country, while she is pointing a finger at him, getting up to go over and yell at him in close proximity, stalking back to her perch, all the while continually yelling at mild mannered Chris, who finally asks her, “Why are you still talking about it?” Her response? “You are getting on my nerves!” I have some sympathy for Aubry at this point, as she is entirely confused as to what kind of a live-action Chekov play she has just walked into. Let me sum up Reem Daly for you, Aubry: Bitch be crazy and loud. But mostly crazy. Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Sea Sparkle, for those keeping score at home. The Survivor tribes with climb a latter, maneuver a bag attached to a rope while crawling on a net. They will then use the ball inside the bag to loop onto a hoop and drop a cage door. They will then sprint to the finish to solve a slide puzzle. Kama is the only tribe with one extra member so Ron sits out. Oh, and Probst has one more surprise for them. He removes the second immunity idol and informs the tribes there will be only one immunity winner tonight. The two losing tribes with BOTH be going to tribal council and only ONE person will be voted off from both tribes. Oooo, new twist that is actually interesting! I love it! Survivors ready? GO! Kama, aka the tribe with Joe, is in the lead from the beginning and of course they fly through the course and Joe hits the hoop on his first try, so they have a good jump on the other two tribes with the slide puzzle, which is being worked on by the Jules (JuliA and JuliE. Why are they on the same tribe?). Manu has Gavin tossing the ball and their gate drops. Bringing up the rear is our hapless Lesu. Warthog is tossing the ball, which Probst calls a monkey’s paw. I thought that was for granting wishes that turned out to be horrible but oh well. Warthog’s throwing skills have not improved since last time, so you can guess what happens. If your guess was “Warthog looks like an idiot” you would be correct. David very calmly instructs him to give the rope some slack, which actually work and the ball is through the hoop. Unfortunately, Warthog forgot to hold on to his end of the rope and runs to pull it but the rest of Lesu screams at him to do it from the throwing spot, which is a rule. Finally their gate it down and they run to the slide puzzle. David and Kelley work on the slide puzzle. Meanwhile, over on Kama, Joe switches out with Julie and what do you know….Joe figures out the slide puzzle and Kama wins immunity. I honestly think if Lesu had had a little more time, they might have pulled it off but Joe is too damn good. So Kama and Joe is safe, while Manu and Lesu have a date with Probst. David is apprehensive for tonight’s tribal. Four Manu and Four Lesu, and if they can’t agree on which person to vote out, they all go to drawing rocks. He says that as a player it is nauseating but for a viewer it is exciting. I beg to differ with him. Drawing rocks is terrible. It is random and can remove someone who has totally earned his or her place at the table. The first time they drew rocks, on Season Five, Pascal went home and we ended up with a final two of Neleh and Vecepia. That was one of the worst final twos we’ve had in thirty eight seasons. Post challenge strategies follow the same basic line: we vote together and say we are willing to go to rocks. Manu finds Wendy telling the former Kama people that David is “wormy” and will be willing to switch sides. Eric doesn’t buy that any returning player would be willing to go to rocks. Freckles agrees and thinks they are better off because they do not have returning players. I don’t really know how that gives you an advantage, because you really don’t know what the returning players will do or what they think. Eric and Gavin try to figure out if the Lesu tribe will put votes on which one of the two of them and they pledge their undying loyalty to each other. I do like both of these fellows (so far) and not just because Eric is kind of hot in a Hugh Jackman sort of way. Gavin tells us later that he is willing to draw rocks for any of his Manu tribe and he thinks they are willing to do the same for him. Well, not so fast there, kid. Freckles has something to tell us about it. She is much more vote-flexible than any of her current tribemates realize. As she puts it, she is willing to betray her alliance in order to get further in the game. She outright says she is not trustworthy, because she can always find an in somewhere else. Oh, please, oh please let this one’s downfall be a spectacular blindside, preferably at the hands of Joe! Meanwhile, over on Lesu, Kelley suggests that while she would like to take out one of their guys, it might be better to target Victoria as that would be unexpected. Warthog then says a better idea is to throw four votes on Wendy and that way there is a chance that the four Manu would not be willing to draw rocks for their one outlier. Kelley is angry that once again Warthog did not listen to anything anyone else said and also that his logic is sound. I agree, it is very annoying when someone who annoys you makes a valid point, though I usually reserve my annoyance for when my husband is right. Lauren feels certain the Manus will be voting for her. David volunteers to talk to Wendy and tell her they are voting for someone other than Wendy, so that the vote may come up 4-3-1, which is also a good plan except that it relies on Wendy retaining her sense of loyalty to the old tribe. “Rely” and “Wendy” appear to be anathema. Lesu agrees they are willing to go to rocks if it becomes necessary. Warthog decides he is going to the beach to dry out his feet after David said they need more firewood. The non-Hog Lesu members all gripe about how Warthog does nothing to contribute to camp life. What he does instead is go off to look for an idol. The rest of them decide they are going to go look for it, too. The result? Kelley finds the idol right under Warthog’s nose and I bet as he watched that at home he felt like a complete doofus, which of course was the editor’s intention. Lauren tells Kelley that she, too, has an idol but she doesn’t want to play it tonight. The veteran player admonishes Lauren, reminding her it’s not worth going home over an idol (or as we know, going to Extinction Island of the Misfit Toys). Lauren assures Kelley she will not go to rocks over Warthog, if it comes to that. Smart move, girl. He would not do the same for you. Tribal council time! Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Sea Sage shirt, for those keeping score at home. He directs his first question to Freckles, who claims the difference with post-challenge camp time is that there were no side conversations. Well, there were no side conversations that SHE knows about. We did see Eric and Gavin talking away from the tribe so she is already wrong. Lauren says that the Lesu tribe didn’t even have to talk about it, they already knew they were going to stay united. Warthog goes into a long speech about how he’s got his Earp Gang there and proceeds to name them: Wyatt (David) , Virgil (Lauren), and Morgan (Kelley). He then realizes he has made himself Doc Holliday, which Probst finds very amusing. Kelley proclaims that they welcome any of the Manu people with open arms. Wendy responds to Jeff by saying she is once again in the middle, like she was on the old tribe. Probst catches that she didn’t say she USED to be with the Lesu people, which may be a telling different or he may be picking at nits that aren’t really there because people are tired and hungry. David smoothly invites Wendy back to their side, but Eric interjects, noting that Wendy spilled the beans about all of her old tribe mates because she never felt part of their group. Talk then switches to drawing rocks, and David basically throws down by saying he’s done it before and he’ll do it again. Freckles isn’t buy it still because she cannot understand why a vet would ever return just to go out on a rock draw. Well, since she wouldn’t do it, it isn’t possible for anyone else to have a different take on the matter. And take off that stupid knit hat. No one wears wool in the tropics. You just look like a Brooklyn hipster doofus. Wendy whispers to David that she has a place with them if he wants it. Then Lesu starts whispering to each other and David invites Wendy to a private discussion over to the side. They whisper with each other and then go back to their seats. Probst pauses for a minute and says, “Is that it? Is it time to vote.” Kelley says yep, so that’s what they do. Time to vote. Time to go tally the votes. Probst invites any hidden immunity idols to be used but neither Lauren nor Kelley play theirs. Jeff reads the votes. Wendy. Lauren. Wendy. Luaren. Wendy. Lorine. Wendy. Lauren. It’s a tie. So a revote is about to happen. Neither Lauren nor Wendy will vote, everyone else can only vote for one of those two candidates. All of a sudden, whispering is going on: Wendy and Eric, Kelley and Warthog, Warthog and David, Eric to Warthog and David, Kelley and Lauren to Gavin and Freckles. No one is talking to Wendy. It’s kind of sad but at the same time what you would expect for a person who has put herself clearly in the chaos-neutral camp. David says to Probst, “It’s like the worst cocktail party ever” but Jeffy is not amused. He calls an end to the shenanigans and says it is time to revote. Kelley takes the urn back to the voting booth and everyone other than the two candidates revotes. Now let’s tally THOSE votes. Wendy. Wendy. Big Wendy. Wendy. That’s enough. She smiles and giggles and says it’s cool, it’s cool. She asks Probst to call her Big Wendy. He obliges her and she loves it! Once her torch is snuffed, she demands a hug from Jeff, who willingly complies, grinning the whole time, then tries to pretend he is a curmudgeon again and tells her to get out of there. He obviously is very fond of her and it looks like just about everyone on both tribes is as well as they all smile and wave goodbye. Wendy skips off down the path to her cheeseburger and shower….and promptly gets lost. Apparently following a line of torches is a lot more difficult than one supposes. Eventually she makes her way back to the lighted path, undoubtedly with the help of a few production assistants, and comes across the directional sign. She snorts and grabs the torch to head off for Charon’s boat to reunite with the rest of the damned on Extinction Island. Next week, a repeat of Drop! Your! Buffs! …. But wait! There’s more! “Come on in, guys!” FINALLY something more interesting than counting the number of times Reem Daly says, “Dude” will happen with Extinction Island!
  2. Talk/Chat Shows

    Because you know you want to talk about the awesomeness that is "The View."
  3. Two hour episode in the middle of the season? What is Probst trying to do? I have to work in the morning! Better get going on this bloated extravaganza… Jurassic Island, Day 12. Speaking of going to work, Dadbod Rick is wearing his French blue button up shirt and skinny dark blue tie as if he is about to step into the studio and deliver the morning news. Well, I guess under these circumstances, it would be a remote on location. “We’re here in Fiji, Holly, gathering driftwood for the fire and lamenting the fact that everyone on Close-To-Death Island hates your intrepid reporter because he was better at Survivor than they were.” There is a close up of Reem Daly’s face that I could have done without, as it seems she has eaten her lower lip. Rick is actually pretty happy that he still has a chance in the game while the rest of the morose bunch of losers is, well, morose. A challenge already! It is a reward, and Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Ballroom Dancing shirt, for those keeping score at home. Survivors are going to race through a series of obstacles – which on this show could mean anything from a one foot tall hurdle to surfing a tsunami to shore – collecting bolos along the way. Once they have collected all the bolos, they will attempt to land those bolos on a horizontal post. Want to know what the first two tribes to finish will win? Well, I should just say what will Manu and Kama win, because we know Lesu the Losers ain’t winning squat tonight. First tribe to finish gets peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, jars of PB and J and a bottle of cold milk. Second tribe to complete the task gets a few sandwiches. Lesu gets nothing. Okay, let’s get this farce over with. Survivors ready? GO! The first obstacle is a rope crawl which they all get through fairly evenly. To gather the first bolos, one tribe member needs to be boosted up to untie said bolos. Kama and Manu finish fairly quickly, but Lesu tries lifting David on Warthog’s shoulders while the girls support him and unsurprisingly it does not work. After a couple of tries, David being unceremoniously dropped on the ground, and Probst gleefully announcing it’s a disaster for Lesu, Lauren gets up on Warthog’s shoulders and grabs the bolos. Why didn’t you idiots do that in the first place? Kama and Manu are both throwing bolos when Warthog drops Lauren, too. Probst shouts out that each tribe member has to land a bolo, which is an interesting twist. Kama wins easily enough, giving Lesu a chance to catch up as Freckles on Manu is having trouble. But of course, this is Lesu so they lose. The other tribes leave with their stuff while David sadly laments how they keep trying to think positive but it’s so hard when they keep losing. Probst is all, wow I didn’t even have to ask a question. He still needles them with his standard, “Got nothing for you.” Kelley manages to piss me off by whining to the camera later about how David is “basically a girl” because he weighs less than she does and is not a caveman strong-like-bull sort of fellow. Really, Wentworth? Calling David a girl as an insult? Truly rude. Kama eats their rewards, but the game never ends, so Julia tells us how much she wants to get Joe out. Then while Joe is out fishing, and may I say diving pretty freaking deep and catching what looks like a nice red snapper, back at camp, Julie, Julia, and Ron plot Joe’s demise. Well…that’s what it seems is happening. Ron is having second thoughts about getting rid of the one guy who actually knows what he is doing to provide for the rest of the useless blobs on his tribe. Ron recognizes that camp life is pretty sweet with Joe doing the work, AND providing a meat shield along the way. When he mentions that to the Julie/a, they are not happy about it. Joe needs to go now! Manu also enjoys their reward, and also enjoys fantasizing about eating chickens. Both Freckles and Hellooooo Eric really want chicken. Eric also considers that getting rid of the returning players as well. Aubry continues her streak of annoying me by complaining that no one is talking game, they only want to talk chickens! It seems if Aubry had her way, there would be nothing but strategy talk, 24/7. That seems like a recipe to get voted out at the first opportunity if ever there was one. Freckles, Eric, and Gavin discuss which person they would vote out between Wendy and Aubry, and amazingly Freckles comes up with a slightly brilliant plot. She volunteers to offer a girls’ alliance to Aubry so that if the returning player has an idol, she would never play it. Smart and sneaky! I like it! However, Eric then shows he’s just a pretty face but saying they should just tell Wendy they are voting for Aubry. Seriously? Three to two votes. Why would you risk Wendy spilling the beans? Dumbass. Anyway, Freckles does a good job pulling Aubry in. Works like a charm. Lesu. David asks Warthog if he wants to try and go fishing with David, but Mr. Military man passes because he has only had a handful of rice and has no calories left. David graciously accepts Warthog’s willingness to lay down and die. He compares the Lesu tribe to being so extinct, no one is even looking for them anymore. They are the last four dodo birds in existence. He says he will go look for snails but actually sneaks off to look for the hidden immunity idol. Meanwhile, his worthless tribemates complain to each other about how worthless David is at challenges. Lauren feels she is sitting pretty because she has Kelley and Warthog. Meanwhile, Warthog suggests to Kelley that taking out Lauren is a better option because David is more of a risk to have an idol. Ha! Except it is Lauren with the idol, so once again Warthog is WRONG! Also I wonder if he is sorry now that he engineers Chris’ ouster two weeks ago. He should be. Back to Edge of Jurassic Extinction Island. OH GOD SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! Chris finds a box and it turns out to have four notes addressed to each of our previous losers. They all read them together and the notes are all the same: the back page of a classic Mad Magazine. Rick, whom I am certain has spent a lot of his youth chortling over “Spy vs. Spy” and film spoofs like “The Hunger Pains” immediately realizes the clue means to fold the magazi…uh, the map in thirds. Thus the arrows are pointed at two different trees at the top of the island. Reem Daly and her loud voice make them agree to all go together, but she was not watching Keith’s eyes as they roll around in his head like the teenager he is in reality. At the first opportunity, he sneaks off to search for whatever is hidden alone. Well, duh, of course he did. This is SURVIVOR! It takes the rest of them far too long to figure out that Keith is a Sneaky Pete, but they do finally catch up and Chris manages to push Keith out of the way at one tree, while Dadbod Rick goes to the other. Chris finds three slats and a string with the instructions to practice (practice what? Thanks for being so clear there, Probst). Dadbod Rick, meanwhile, finds at the other tree an advantage which is to secretly give someone headed to Tribal Council an extra vote. So basically, they got something they will share with each other and an advantage that is really an advantage for someone else. So was it worth it, Keith? Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Stormy Cove shirt, for those keeping score at home. This one is over the water and involves the Survivors racing up a ramp, diving down to retrieve a puzzle piece, and once they have all their pieces, they will pull their pontoon to the final platform and use the pieces to build a three dimensional pyramid puzzle. First two tribes to finish win immunity, Lesu will go back to tribal council. But let’s go through the formality, shall we? Survivors ready…GO! Kelley starts off for Lesu and for all her vaunted athleticism, she cannot swim worth shit. She is unable to release the puzzles pieces. Manu finishes rather quickly and gets to the final platform, while Kelley gives up and Lauren swims out to try and get the puzzle pieces. Kama takes longer but finally gets their pieces. Lauren gives up and Warthog finally gets one of their pieces. David tries, but is, unsurprisingly, unable to get it. So Lauren goes back and gets the second piece. Amazing! They pull the platform and actually are able to start working on their puzzle. Both Kama and Manu are still working, but then Kama manages to finish. Aurora gestures over to Aubry about what pieces go where but it doesn’t matter. Lesu manages to finish second thanks to Lauren and David taking the lead on the puzzle. Thus Manu loses and Lesu doesn’t have to go to Tribal for the first time the entire season. Needless to say, they are happy and you know Probst. He LOVES a good comeback story. Manu finds the four original Kama meeting and agreeing to vote out Wendy, however Aubry really wants to do something strategic, so she and Freckles talk about the advantages of voting out Eric versus voting out Wendy. The two corner Wendy and try to get her to commit to voting out one of the guys, but Wendy is only committed to fowl freedom and she demurs. This offends Super Strategist Aubry because how do you work with someone who won’t commit to an alliance? My feeling is more how do you work with someone who has shown herself to be a flibbertigibbet the entire time she has been on the island. But of course, Aubry is stuck on that “make a big move for your Survivor resume” crap, a topic on which I have ranted numerous times. Anyway, she goes off to check and make sure her idol is in her bag, when lo and behold, she finds out someone has given her an extra vote. Thanks a lot, Dadbod Rick. Although I understand his choice here. Wendy is too much of a loon to trust with an extra vote since she will probably cast it for Colonel Sanders. Dadbod Rick’s best option is the one returnee on the tribe as being most likely on the outs with the others. The question is, will Aubry get a clue that Gavin, Freckles and Hellooooo Eric are plotting her demise tonight or will she spill the beans to her alliance/not actual alliance? The note says the extra vote can be used until there are seven people left in the game. Anyway, Aubry keeps talking but I don’t want to listen. Hooray for fast forward! Tribal Council, now with an all-new cast! Probst is wearing a Valspar paint Royal Gray shirt, for those keeping score at home. He is very excited because he finally gets to say again that fire represents your life on the island and once that fire has gone out, so have you, except in cases of Exile, Redemption, or Extinction Isle. Gavin tells Jeff that the mood was relaxed back at camp so he is curious to see what happens tonight. Aubry says of course people were talking. Probst asks Wendy WTF is up with her game play and Wendy, who really is a delight, just smiles her way through her answer of it’s great just to be here, Jeff, so why be sad? You are gonna love the vibe on the Edge of Extinction Island, Wendy. She does admit that she has a hard time separating her actual self and her morals to the gameplay part of Survivor. Honestly, I’m not seeing even a scooch in that direction Huh, who knew “scooch” is an allowable word according to Spellcheck? I did not. Gavin smooth talks his way through a minefield of Probst questions in order to make Aubry feel very comfortable. And with that, it’s time to vote. Time to tally the votes. But does anyone want to play a hidden immunity idol? No. Aubry. Big Wendy. Aubry. Oh, her face fell. Aubry. Oh, yeah, she’s shocked. She says they are unbelievable players. She tells them good luck and to go kill it and walks off. At the crossroads, she notes that it is an easy decision, grabs the torch and walks off down the path to see the ferryman. Thus endeth hour one of tonight’s marathon.
  4. Hamster Headlines and Past BB Seasons

    Ha! Maybe Goose is the kid's middle name.
  5. Thanks! I'm working on it but life got in the way this week.
  6. Hamster Headlines and Past BB Seasons

    I'm glad she's okay and the baby's okay. Stupid name to saddle a kid with for life, though.
  7. Food Shows

    Let's meet for brunch! (that menu sounded good!)
  8. Food Shows

    I'm starting this thread if only to talk about the search for the Next Iron Chef. Just watched the show tonight and really enjoyed it a lot. The usual reality contest show set up: contestants, competitions, an elimination. Why am I liking this show? It's brutal! All these highly trained, very successful chefs getting knocked around by stuff like having to debone a chicken, filet a salmon, shuck oysters ("arsters" in the local dialect) and clams, etc. Fun stuff.
  9. Food Shows

    I think Kelsey was smarter about doing her food but incorporating local influences. KY Bitch was trying to be too different, I think. And the highest praise was for her steak that EDDIE cooked. So I'm glad Kelsey won over the two of them for sure. It's just the way Sarah spoke to the camera and often to her fellow contestants that just was like nails on a chalkboard to me. There was such condescension in her tone that was infuriating.
  10. Ron Clark - Kama

    I liked Ron's little game of "search Joe's backpack" with Julia. Smart to think of that quickly and get Joe away from camp, then agree to whatever he said. And if Joe felt comfortable enough to suggest an alliance with Ron, then it also means Ron is good at playing as if he is on Joe's side.
  11. Keith Sowell - Manu - Voted out Week 2

    This guy can raise the white flag of surrender any time now. His one interesting thing is that he couldn't swim very well. And since Osten's near drowning years ago, that storyline is played out.
  12. Reem Daly - Manu - Voted out Week 1

    This is exactly what my mother-in-law said about her when we were talking about Survivor last night. Well, minus the "heinous bitch" part, of course. Seriously, every time Reem Daly opens her mouth, it infuriates me. She is so awful, so unkind. Easily one of my top ten most disliked Survivor contestants.
  13. This episode made me a little bit grateful for the Edge of Extinction twist, because it keeps alive the hopes that one of the players that I like, Dadbod Rick, will somehow flubber his way back into the game. As far as the others on Jurassic Island, I don’t care and in fact the precious few minutes we are subjected to the vocal stylings of Reem Daly make me want to drive a jar of peanuts into the TV. Sidenote: that act would not have the same destructive satisfaction effect on flat screens as it would on the old tube variety of TVs. Chris makes his way onto Loser Island and is not exactly greeted with open arms. Keith and Reem Daly both somehow blame Chris for their present circumstances. They are not exactly wrong, but they are not exactly right either. He is not the only one who cast a vote to oust them. Manu beach has Wendy speaking of herself in the third person. She gives back the flint by hiding it in plain sight, then spills the beans to David about her “master plan” of freeing the chickens from their destiny in the stewpot. He cannot believe Wendy is actually trying to win the game and the writer is at a loss for words to try and make sense of her strategy. He is very nice about it, which is one of the things I have like about David. It is hard to recall him saying or being unkind to another player, outside of actual game play and voting them out. This was a problem I had with Mike White last season in that it was easy to see a small scratch on the surface would reveal a rather sharp interior, ready to wound. I don’t get a sense of that from David. Challenge beach. Probst is wearing a Valspar Skywriter shirt, for those keeping score at home. Once Kama gets a load of the Manu tribe, sans Chris, there is a lot of shock and awe. Ron, when asked by Probst, says that it is shocking because Kama could see how Chris was carrying the rest of his tribe and his being voted out could be seen as a betrayal. Manu does not see it that way and Lauren sasses back that Kama has no idea what their camp like was life. Jeff takes that opportunity to tell everyone to Drop! Your! Buffs! The tribes are being changed from two to three. Great, now I have to reset all the tribal designations on the individual threads. Fuck you, Probst. The new tribes break down as follows: Manu (blue): Aubry, Eric, Gavin, Victoria (Freckles), Wendy. Kama (yellow): Aurora, Joe, Julia, Julie, Ron. Lesu (green): David, Kelley, Lauren, Rick, Warthog. Weirdly, other than Wendy, everyone ends up with their own tribe members. Much is made of this coincidence and the odds against it happening. If someone wants to do the math, please feel free. I won’t understand any of it. Post tribe-swap, Joe is happy because he thinks he safer with Ron, Julia, and Julie. He’s already good with Aurora, so Joe pulls Ron aside – Ron, the same guy who was talking with Freckles when she stupidly talked about eliminating Joe while the returning player was crouching nearby. Joe! Where is your head at? Did you use up your brain cells growing that luxurious mane and hipster mustache? Ron, of course, goes right along with Joe’s alliance proposal like any smart player should do, but gleefully tells us that right before they went to the well, he instructed Julia to rifle through Joe’s bag to see if she could find an idol. As established on previous seasons, this is allowed but stealing the idol is not allowed. Chain of ownership for cheap shells on a leather thong is sacrosanct on Survivor. Julia found, as she put it, nothing in Joe’s pants. New Lesu tribe finds their beach and then has to build a shelter from scratch. That seems a bit unfair since their numbers are smaller. I would not object to a partial shelter that the new tribe could complete easily enough without completely exhausting themselves. Lauren, meanwhile, is feeling nauseated from the rice and lack of other food. I am sure stress, tropical heat and lack of sleep have nothing to do with it. Her tribemates are concerned for her welfare, of course. None of these people, David, Dadbod Rick, Warthog, Kelley, and Lauren, show any sign of not caring for each other. Last season had such jerks on the Goliath tribe that it is a pleasant change to spend Survivor with seventy-five percent less assholes. Neat underwater sequence as an octopus squirts a cloud of ink at the camera and shoots away quickly through the water as it evades the swimmer. No calamari at the crew’s Ponderosa camp tonight! Manu tribe is given the grand tour by Wendy. The tour consists of the firepit, the well, the lagoon with the sharks. They all sit together on the beach and Wendy just lets loose with a barrage of information about her former tribemates. Aubry is nearly salivating at all the juicy tidbits and ammunition that Wendy is cheerfully sharing, oblivious to any possible need to keep it under wraps. A smarter player might have spun a tale of Chris the Dictatorial Asshole, but as we all know by now, Wendy is not a smart player. Speaking of which…night falls and she goes into stealth mode, sneaking into the chicken coop and taking the birds out to save their lives and set them free. Earlier she tried to convince the new Manu that the girls would start laying eggs any day now, but Eric was already figuring on cutting off a chicken head, then boiling it to remove the feathers. FYI the Internet says immerse it in hot water for no more than thirty seconds. Anyway, Wendy is now mighty pleased with herself for turning the chickens loose in the jungle where nothing bad ever happens. Oh, good, we get a brief interlude at Extinction Island. Keith is having a moment and is considering hoisting the flag and leaving for a burger. He and Reem Daly are still mad at Chris and don’t give two shits if he is unhappy at his own blindside. Chris, using more words in one minute than he has all season, narrates how he thought he had to come out to Survivor and be perfect and blah blah blah. Okay, Solar Panel Sales boy. We get it. You are sad and put a lot of pressure on yourself. Now do something useful! Guess what? Chris picks up the fishing spear and nabs a few fish for supper. Suddenly he is no longer persona non grata with the two ingrates he is currently stuck with for a while. Hypocrites. Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar Lost Atlantis shirt, for those keeping score at home. Multipart challenge again. Survivors will have to hurdle two very large a-frame structures while carrying coils of rope. They will then use the rope to pull a heavy crate to the finish, where they will open it and until bundles of stick-puzzle pieces. The first two tribes to complete the challenge win immunity. One gets the dragon statue idol, the second gets a neat eagle in flight statue, though I am sure Wendy could be convinced it is an homage to chickens. Survivors ready? GO! Right from the start Lesu shows once again why as Manu they lost nearly every challenge as they are unable to attain the top of the first a-frame. Of course, if they still had Chris on the tribe they probably would have been up and over in no time. As it is, the boards are slippery and the other two tribes have the advantage of Joe on Kama and Eric on new Manu. Lesu’s attempts are pretty sad to watch, and for all his self-vaunted athletic prowess, I don’t see much effort from Warthog. His Survivor profile says he was in the military, though I was unable after a minute of Googling which branch he served, though later in the episode he confirms he was in the Army. But still, this kind of obstacle should have been babycakes to someone who went through basic training. I’m very disappointed in him. Finally it is Lauren, the sick girl, who gets to the top and uses the rope to pull up Kelley and the rest. On the second a-frame, which is higher, each tribe figures out how to use a human ladder to get to the apex and the tribes are actually sliding down the far side at pretty much the same time. Everyone is working the puzzles. Ron and Joe work together calmly on the puzzle for Kama and they finish first. Eric and Aubry work on it for Manu, but then Wendy has it and she switches out with Aubry to speed through it, leaving Lesu in third. New tribe name, same old losers. I am bummed because I would have liked to see what happened when the old Kama had to scramble to strategize. Kelley sums it up by calling them the Cleveland Browns of Survivor. Don’t feel so bad, Wentworth. At least you aren’t the ’62 Mets. Whomp whomp. Sad trombone at Camp Lesu. Dadbod Rick jokes Lesu is just as good at losing as Manu. Really, none of them are very happy about it. Rick and David swear fealty to each other and decide that perhaps Lauren is the one to vote out since she is not eating and is getting weaker. David in face is certain that Kelley has the immunity idol which is why he wants to target Lauren. Joke’s on him, Lauren has the idol! On the flip side, Kelley and Lauren swear fealty to each other and discuss options, concluding that Dadbod Rick is most likely to switch loyalties. I think they are wrong on this. Warthog has my vote for Most Likely to Flip. On the other hand, David, once deprived of his solid ally Dadbod Rick, seems suspect because he will be looking out for number one. As well he and the rest of them should be. Well, the divide puts Warthog in the driver’s seat and he LOVES it. Nothing more beloved by an attention hog than, you know, attention. Tribal Council time. BAT! Probst is wearing a Valspar Shark Loop shirt, for those keeping score at home. He asks Dadbod Rick for a news report and damn if the morning news anchor doesn’t nail it. “Dun dun dunnnnn! Lesu is less than we even expected! Love in Tribal Council but will it last? Good evening, this is Rick Devins and this may be my last report.” Everyone laughs, especially Probst. It’s cute, clever and witty. As tribal goes on, everyone affirms that they all love and respect each other, but everything else is crap. The emotion is so strong, in fact, Kelley gets very emotional and that is not her usual way of dealing with Survivor. David gets profound and talks about how much playing Survivor changed him and that he has tried to explain to his tribemates that there is something more valuable than the million dollar prize. Kelley nods along with him. Finally, Lauren explains to Probst that this tribal is not going to get ugly, it’s not going to get contentious, but lines will be drawn. Both Kelley and David insist that this tribal council is very special out of all of them, but in a sad way. And with that, it’s time to vote. Probst gets the urn to tally the votes. Lauren. Rick. Lauren. Rick. Rick Devins. And with that, Dadbod Rick is out of the game. He turns to the tribe after his torch is snuffed and grins. “I take it all back, you guys are the WORST!” He exhorts them to go win something and walks off into the jungle. The rest of Lesu is sad and Kelley is still crying. David seems pensive. But is Dadbod’s story over? Let’s follow him down the path and find out! He comes to the crossroads, reads the signs silently (which, thank you), picks up the torch and heads down to find the ferryman. Next week, Warthog gets on Kelley’s bad side, Freckles wants a girls’ alliance, and Reem Daly continues her reign of Bitch Island by greeting Dadbod Rick with the friendly, “Man you are not in good graces here.” Jeebus, lady, it’s been nine days and you aren’t out of the game. GET OVER IT.
  14. Bachelor/ette

    I can't believe we didn't have a thread for this craptastic show before! Anyway, for those who were watching the recent Bachelorette show with Ali, this is a nice article about one of the cast offs, Ty (or as I liked to call him, Jugears): Ty Brown Music.
  15. Bachelor/ette

    Better choices than Hannah B(itch): Tayshia. Onyeka. Hannah G(ood). Anyone. This season was the WORST! But of course, what did they expect with picking Colton? He has the personality of a houseplant. One made from plastic. They played his only interesting moment, jumping the fence, over and over and got their money's worth for the hype. I mean, Nick Viall was vile but at least he had a personality. I wonder if they picked Hannah B. because she will be pliable and do what they tell her to do.
  16. Survivor 38: Edge of Extinction

    So, I just got home from a meeting and thus the recap will not appear until tomorrow. Just started watching and Wendy is...nuts. NUTS!!
  17. Food Shows

    That's so cool! I'm watching. Rooting for Eric at this point. Kelsey as second choice. I intensely dislike that KY Bitch. Loved Eddie, grew to love Adrienne.
  18. After 38 seasons, Survivor is like comfort food. The flavor is familiar, the order in which it happens is entirely predictable, and you are left feeling pretty satisfied overall, even though you have eaten the same meal hundreds of times in the past. Tonight’s episode is just that. It is meatloaf and mashed potatoes. In other news, I might just be hungry from fasting for Ash Wednesday. When last we left Fiji, Keith was making me nuts by not choosing a direction in which to go. He’s still at it, but we don’t see him pick up the torch, just pivot directly to Edge of Extinction Island and the Boat of Doom pulling up to the front walk/sand spit. Reem Daly is pleased to see him, and openly laughs at him, along with every viewer watching the show, when Keith says he is ready for some sleep and food. Dude, if you wanted a nice bed and some pizza, you picked the wrong path. What is it about the words “Edge of Extinction” do you not understand? Reem was ready to bail, but now she has a chick to care for, so she knows she will be staying on Exiled Red Dead Redemption Island. In the morning, they find some messages in bottles on the beach. It contains maps that lead to some steps and they climb, climb, climb to the mountaintop, where they find a bucket containing a handful of rice. The note on a sign reminds them that “This is the Edge of Extinction. You will have to work hard for everything. When fear or loneliness sets in you must find the resolve to overcome.” So they have to climb the steps every day for their little bit of rice. Reem proclaims loudly that it sucks. With her speech patterns and tics, she probably added a few “bros” and “dudes” that had to be edited out. I realize she is desperate to be the hip, cool mom but STOP TALKING LIKE A TEENAGER! Reward challenge time! We are in the season of two challenges an episode, so the paint chip wheel is getting overtime pay. Probst is wearing a Valspar Plum Good shirt, for those keeping score at home. For this challenge, the tribes will race to assemble a wheelbarrow, which they will push through a series of obstacles, collecting sandbags along the way. They will then dump the sandbags in a trough, take the wheelbarrow back apart and use it to build a slingshot. The sandbags will then be aimed at four targets using the slingshot. First tribe to knock them down wins reward. Want to know what they are playing for? Of course you do! A choice between comfort in the form of pillows, blankets, hammock, or chickens, consisting of three hens and a rooster. Kama has two extra players so they sit out Ron and Aubry. Survivors ready? GO! Manu has David, Warthog, and Dadbod Rick on wheelbarrow duty, which they quickly finish. But of course Kama has Magic Joe and they end up finishing the sandbag portion of the challenge quickly. Manu then cannot lift the heavy wheelbarrow to dump the sandbags and has to fling the sandbags into the trough by hand. Good news, though. Kama’s slingshot crew is having issues building the slingshot and Manu sails right through it. Chris is already aiming sandbags at the targets while Kama is still struggling. Chris sails right through and wins reward, choosing the chickens. Jeff to Kama: Got nothing for you. At some point during the challenge, Wendy hurt her ankle when the wheel fell on her ankle. Once the adrenaline left her body, she suddenly noticed the injury and it looks baaaaad. Swollen, bruised purple. It doesn’t appear to be broken since we don’t get to see Dr. Joe to remove her from the game, but there is a nicely wrapped brace and Ace bandage on it later. But let’s get back to the here and now. Wendy is not happy that the rest of her tribe wants to chow down on some rotisserie poultry later on. She tells us that she vowed if her tribe won chickens, she would release them all. Now, she is not a vegetarian or vegan. She just doesn’t want to eat THESE chickens. As she says, she signed up for Survivor but the chickens didn’t and I’m unclear if she understands they are, you know, chickens. I get the conundrum she finds herself in as I always say I have the soul of a vegetarian and the taste buds of a carnivore. But this is Survivor and Wendy is already on precarious ground, made even more unstable by the now bum ankle. She tries to enlist Dadbod Rick into her scheme of letting the chickens free (to what, be eaten by the snakes?) but while he promises not to rat her out, he is not on board with her plan..because he is not fucking stupid. Over on Kama, Freckles is reasserting her determination that the returning players of Joe, Aubry, and their acolyte Aurora should go. Freckles, who knows there is an immunity idol out there but would rather wear a wool knit cap on a tropical island than go hunt for it, is awfully sure of herself. I look forward to her being blindsided at the first Tribal Council for Kama. Hilariously, she and Ron are talking about them without knowing that Joe is right there at the tide pools and can hear everything they are saying. AWKWARD! Freckles certainly has a point, because Aubry runs off into the jungle to search for the idol, and it pays off. She finds it and she cries and cries because she is so proud of herself. No, really, that’s what she says while weeping. But a nice little addition to Aubry finding the idol is that over on Manu, Lauren found theirs and that means both idols are in the hands of women this season. Probst better hire a new statistician because all that talk of percentages of women and idols is out of date. Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar Fish Story shirt, for those keeping score at home. Kama has two extra people, so they sit out Julie and Freckles. Manu of course has a handicapped Wendy and she will obviously slow them down with her busted ankle, right? So the challenge is a smorgasbord of previously used elements. The Survivors will start by four tribe members pulling a dinghy containing the other three members. They will stop at a platform where, one at a time, the three boat riders will climb up, jump and grab a key before falling into the water. Once all three keys are retrieved, then the swimmers continue pulling the rowboats along until they reach another platform. They will have to climb up with their keys to unlock a box containing pieces of a ships wheel puzzle. First to finish and raise a flag wins. Survivors ready? GO! The teams are pretty even in the water, and I am impressed by Wendy as a swimmer yet again. It has to be painful. Chris is the real hero pulling the boat along with Warthog, whom I do not like. He reminds me of Cappy from BB6 too much for comfort. Both tribes are working on the first part of the ships wheel and it seems the problem is that they are screwing everything on without figuring out the lengths first. So David, Kelley and Lauren are spending way too much time screwing and unscrewing the spokes, giving Kama time to smoke them and win immunity once again. Post challenge time is spent entirely at Manu tribe and its dysfunction. The problem is that their flint is missing. Wendy is immediately suspect in the minds of Warthog, Lauren and Kelley, which turns out to be not wrong as Wendy’s logic is that if the flint is missing, a fire cannot be made and if a fire cannot be made then the chickens will not be killed. So Wendy has a broken ankle on one leg and is trying to shoot herself in the foot on the other. David and Dadbod Rick to go talk to her, but their concern is less for the flint and more about the tribal council vote. They want to target Kelley Wentworth once again. Wendy and her hidden flint is onboard with that. David LOVES having Wendy around as a smokescreen for him. No hiding behind big strong guys this season. Now he is hiding behind a chicken-loving Tourettes afflicted green haired gal. David goes to talk to Chris, the only guy on Manu who can shoot straight, about voting out Kelley. Chris is fine with that but he really wants to talk to Warthog. The smart, savvy David warns Chris outright that Warthog is in Kelley’s pocket and telling him would be a huge mistake. It is excellent advice that Christ completely ignores. The fewer people in a plot to oust a power in a tribe the better. There was no need to try and bring Warthog in, and telling him only put Chris in the hot seat. Warthog not only resembles Tony Vlachos and sounds like Tony Vlachos, he is just as trustworthy as Tony Vlachos. Warthog immediately goes to Kelley and they decide to target Chris by pulling Dadbod Rick in on it. My new favorite Survivor couple, David and Rick, discuss their options and David realizes that if Chris goes home, no one will know that he has been the one targeting Kelley. Tribal Council time. Probst is wearing a Valspar Exotic Sea shirt, for those keeping score at home. Jeff asks Rick to evaluate the tribe and he comes up with LOSERS! Does anything more need to be said? Well, yes, because there are chickens to discuss. Wendy claims she just wanted to step aside if they killed and ate a chicken, but Warthog just cannot let go of the fact that Wendy will eat chicken at home but not ones she has seen living and clucking all around her. Again, I totally get her sentiment here. David says the vote tonight is about getting rid of the biggest social threat and I’m not sure why David is advocating voting for himself or his partner Dadbod Rick. David is so good at delivering information at Tribal Council that is a misdirection to the real reason he is voting someone out. It’s impressive. Chris winds up the discussion by pointing out that watching Survivor at home, you cannot feel or really understand that everyone playing the game are real people having real conversations with each other and creating real relationships. I mean, he does know the people on TV are real and don’t actually live inside the big box in the living room, right? And with that, it’s time to tally the votes. Wentworth. Chris. Kelly. Chris. Chris. Chris. That’s enough to vote out the one really physically fit guy on the Manu tribe. This team really doesn’t want to win a challenge ever again. Chris pauses at the Edge of Extinction sign, stares at it in silence, then says, “Screw those guys, I’m getting back in the boat” as he grabs the torch and heads off to find the transport to Loser Island. Luckily for the rapidly depleting Manu, next week it’s Drop! Your! Buffs! time.
  19. As always thanks for your kind words.
  20. Survivor 38: Edge of Extinction

    It certainly would but there are likely limits as to where they can go on the island.
  21. Pick a Winner

    We have had a couple of weeks to test the mettle of some of the Survivors. Which one would you pick as the Sole Survivor for Season 38? Gut instinct, considered logic, eeny meeny miney moe. Pick one!
  22. Diary Room - Off-Topic Discussion

    Glad to hear you (and the flight crews) survived!
  23. Here we are again, even though we can still barely tell Julia from Julie. In case you forgot, Reem mom’d her way to be the first person voted off the island last week. This week we start with her on the Edge of Extinction, realizing that she literally has nothing…except flint, a machete, a tarp, coconuts, and an emergency beacon in case she decides to tap out. She also has her fear of disappointing her children to keep her company. Reem Daly is totally getting the winner’s edit. Manu beach, aka the blue buff tribe. Everyone is marveling at their waterlogged hands and yuck! Those things are wrinkled. They look like shriveled up albino eels. Anyway, Rick, who is built like a morning news anchor and should not be shirtless on my TV, talks to Wendy about her ally getting the boot. Wendy immediately pitches that Kelley Wentworth should be the one going as this is her third time out and she’s an excellent player, even though most of us can barely remember who she is much of the time. When Lauren later waxes poetic about how her two favorite players are Parvarti and Kelley, I honestly had to think for a moment…oh, she means the Kelley on this season. I just don’t get it. Meanwhile, Kelley sees Wendy talking with David and Rick and declares how she does not trust Wendy (even though she understands her position, having been there done that in the past). Wentworth suggests an open Idol hunt. That is honestly not a bad idea, because everyone knows everyone is out hunting for idols. Why be put out about it or have to sneak around when it’s just an open secret? Just have a melee for a few hours, then come back to camp and do camp stuff. Everybody wins, especially the one who finds the idol. Who, as it turns out to be, is Lauren. Yay, a girl found the idol! That will help with the statistics on men vs. women finding idols. Kama beach finds Ron leading the tribe in a game of Dance Dance Revolution. He insists they have a tribal dance for the next Immunity challenge. Basically it is a rip off of the E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles! football team chant, but it’s goofy and funny and Ron has no compunction about coming across as a silly showoff in front of everyone. They all laugh and enjoy themselves, because as we all know everything is funny when you’re winning. Speaking of funny, Aubry sinks her own ship on Kama as she starts her patented “I really like you, let’s be allies” attempts on various tribe members. First she stupidly asks Victoria (Freckles) and Julia how they feel about returning players and seriously? What are they supposed to say? “We’re gonna vote you out first opportunity.” I mean…come on. I really think Aubry was screwed on her first season out of the win on Kaon Rong because Michele was a pretty cry-er, but I’ve really disliked her gameplay since then. This opinion is not likely to change from what we have seen so far. So Freckles and Julia give vague non-answers, but that annoys Aubry when she later tells us how frustrated she is that the new players aren’t spilling their guts to her. Freckles talks to Ron and Julia about it, and come to find out Ron has an Aubry story, too! She told him that they really like him and as it turns out, she said the same thing to Freckles and Julia! Aubry really needs to change up her game because she went to several people, per Julia, and used those key phrases like, “I want have an open dialog” and “You remind me of me as a player” and “I think we get along.” We get a segment of Aubry telling people exactly what the girls just said many times over. Nice job, editors! Sidenote: I know Generation Z is full of whimsy and all, but WTF is Freckles doing wearing a woolen knit cap on a tropical island? She’s already the second palest player in Survivor history (that honor will always belong to Cochran). Too much heat and she might spontaneously combust. Parrot! I bet gforce could tell us exactly what the genus and species is of this bright green fellow. Manu beach shows us entirely too much of Dadbod Rick aka Jared from Subway. That nickname disturbs me so Rick might just have to be Dadbod Rick from now on. He and David have taken to each other like ducks to bread in the water. Yes, it’s a slightly tortured analogy but you’ll live through it. They discuss more with Wendy about voting out Kelley, but David is smart about how to engineer a blindside. They agree they could go to the end together and Rick promises to keep David until there are four people left and then cut his throat. They giggle and it is seriously adorable. Crap, now I have people I’m rooting for in the game. Dammit. Julie and Freckles are gathering more palm fronds and doing work around the camp, but they talk about how the men are out for hours and they know they are looking for idols. Freckles even says to us later that she knows there are idols and advantages out there, and they are usually found in funky looking trees but she has no idea how to even begin looking for them. Julie does a little rant about men always being the ones to find idols and women less so, since the men were the hunters and gatherers or wait the women were the gatherers or wait who were the gatherers? Ugh. But then Julie declares that looking for an idol seems sneaky and she goes back to camp to work around there. DOUBLE UGH! Immunity Challenge! Probst is wearing a Valspar Paint Bubbling Fountain shirt, for those keeping score at home. Not only is this challenge for immunity, it is also for a reward. There is a choice! Option one is a variety of spices, a couple of kitchen knives and a cutting board. Since they like to torture people, it is probably one of those awful glass cutting boards that make me want to hurt whoever invented tempered glass when I am forced to use one. The other, and only sensible option, is for a deluxe set of fishing gear. When Manu comes in, no one is too surprised Reem was voted out, mostly because they probably can’t remember her. Anyway, the challenge itself is a repeat: start on a platform in the ocean and swim to a large bamboo cage. Everyone has to get up and over the cage and once they are all trapped, they have to untie the jumbo sized snake in the cage, and no that is not an analogy as to what Joe has in his pants. The very heavy snake – again, we aren’t talking about Joe here – must then be hoisted up and over the cage walls and carried ashore, then place on a long wooden table. The snake has six discs inside that need to found. Those discs have numbers on them and that will lead to a combinaion for a lock to open and retrieve rings, which will then be used to toss onto oars that spell out the word IMMUNITY. I’m tired just writing that out. Kama sits out Julie as they have an extra player. Survivors ready? GO! As it turns out, Wendy is like Ozzy in the water: she swims like a fish and is first to the cage. Unfotunately, Keith is on Manu and his lack of experience causes Chris to stay back and help him get to the cage. An advantage for Kama, too, is they have Helloooooooo Eric the firefighter. Unsurprisingly, he is excellent as maneuvering very heavy object from one place to another and Kama gets their snake up, over and on the beach father than Manu. In the end, though, once the rings start getting tossed, the tribes are tied up at one apiece. Ring tossing by Chris on Manu goes well but he taps out with Keith, who does not have any success with the rings, while Joe and Eric keep flipping oars until they are down to one left while Manu still has five to go. Eric wins and Kama jumps around in a circle, chanting their tribe name. Annoying pricks. Post challenge, the Manu tribe is down in the dumps because they lost again. Chris apologizes, but everyone, including Keith, knows it was his poor swimming and lack of ring-tossing skills that helped get them in this pickle. Keith is certain he is vulnerable. I have to say this about him: being a poor swimmer but still getting out there in the ocean and trying, much less jumping from a very tall cage down into the water is still pretty damn brave, so he gets all kinds of kudos from me for just getting out there and doing it. Poor swimming skills in a pool is hard enough. In an ocean…with FISH? Scary shit. But you should at least be able to toss some rings onto pegs once you are on land! The plot, however, to get out Kelley Wentworth is still afoot. Keith goes to Rick and tells him he will be loyal to the very end throughout the whole game. So, funny enough, Chris goes to Dadbod Rick and independently brings up getting rid of Kelley. Rick LOVES it and runs to David. They are way too happy and think this will be smooth sailing, so we know immediately that Kelley is not going. Warthog is on the warpath for Keith leaving, so there is no swaying him at all, though Chris makes an attempt. He tells Warthog that Kelley will only use them until she doesn’t need them anymore, and dude…that’s the whole point of the game. The difference is that Warthog thinks of the women on the tribe as “the females” and only in terms of their physical abilities. I just can’t with this doofus. Tribal Council. Probst is wearing a Valspar Paint Blue China shirt, for those keeping score at home. I really love this set! Behind Probst is a large war canoe. Nice atmospherics! Keep an eye on this set and tell me what you spot. Anyway, we have some standard tribal council chitchat to get through. Probst starts with Wendy, who has been much less full of tics now that she has settled down a bit. There is talk about how it feels to see your name among the votes. Conclusion: not great. Talk pivots to keeping the tribe strong in order to not lose again. Keith, when called out on his incompetent performance, brings the only argument he really has going for him, which is that if there is a tribe swap, there are people who will flip and you want someone who will be loyal. There is talk that it will be a blindside tonight, which Probst LOVES, and Dadbod Rick earns a laugh when he says, “Who doesn’t want to check blindside off their Survivor to-do list? Notch the tree, get water from the well, do a blindside.” Okay, I freaked out for a minute. Probst kept calling Dadbod Rick “Devin” and I momentarily panicked that I had the wrong name for him, but yeah it was just calling Rick by his last name, “Devens.” Stop that, Probst. It’s not like there is another Rick on the tribe with whom he can be mistaken. You are making extra work for me and it’s a work night. Let’s just get to the vote. Probst goes to tally the votes. Kelly. Keith. Wendy. Keith. Keith. Keith. With that, it’s enough and Keith is voted out. The young man loses any good credit he had with me by continually moaning, “Oh. For real! Wow. Wow. Wow. And y’all think you are still going to win challenges? Dang. Dang Dang. Dang it. Arrrgh!” followed by lots of sighing and more dangs. Then he comes to the end of the path and reads the signs. So now he has to make a decision and he waffles back and forth. He starts praying and now his mantra is “Come on God! Come on Jesus! Come on God” over and over and we are stranded there as we do not see what decision he makes. Apparently we have to wait until next week. So the question is…does he join Reem on her lonely spit of sand? Or will he be ferried to another island to wait out his exile alone? Alternately, will he tap out and go get a cheeseburger? Because God left him a light and he is totally ignoring it. That happens a lot.
  24. Welcome to Survivor 38, Jurassic Park Version! Okay, technically is it being called “Edge of Extinction!” but we all know if Probst could get some dinosaurs in there, he would totally start the cloning process immediately. And by dinosaurs, I mean Colby Donaldson from the Australian Outback season. Once again, we begin on a two masted schooner on the open sea, holding fourteen players and a boatload (literally) of production people. Meanwhile, four returning players are on a motorboat, headed on a collision course with the schooner. Probst explains the twist in a voiceover, letting us know that the person voted off will have a choice to tap out or continue to fight and get back in the game, but more on that at the end. Meanwhile, in a Valspar Paint Blindfold Black shirt for those keeping score at home, Jeff gives us his traditional signal to start the festivities: “Thirty-nine days, eighteen people, one….(pause…hands on hips)…SURVIVOR!” Probst gives his pep talk to the two tribes, divided into groups on the schooner. He teases them with talk of what other players would do to get back and play the game again and, lo and behold here comes a boat full of them now! The newbies are waaaaaay too excited to see more competition stepping aboard. Rookie mistake. The odds are now worse for one of them winning the game. Jeff goes through the resume of each of the returnees: Kelley Wentworth used an idol that resulted in a record “Does not count” at tribal council. David was afraid of his own shadow. Joe is dreamy but now sports a manbun so he must die. Aubry has nice hair. I think that’s what Probst said. I just hope she has pants this time because I’ve seen enough of her ass hanging out of her panties to last a lifetime. Probst passes out the buffs and the tribes break down thusly: Kama is Yellow. We have Aubry, Joe, Aurora, Eric, Gavin, Ron, Victoria, Julia, and Julie (it’s the Natalie/NataliaA thing all over again!) Manu is Blue. There we find David, Kelley, Christ, Keith, Wendy, Reem, Rick, Lauren, and Warthog. I mean Wardog. Because using his regular name, Dan, is too normal. And now it is time for chaos. Probst gives them two minutes to get anything they can off the schooner into their own rowboats. People are running all over, tossing things, not communicating. It’s CHAOS! Right away, Manu is off to a great start as Keith starts drowning. Lauren helps him get to the boat, so we don’t see the rescue divers lurking around. Before jumping, Ron from Kama manages to find an envelope marked “Secret Advantage” and he stuffs it in the traditional hiding place: down his pants. Boats are filled and off the tribes go to their beaches. The water is impossibly turquoise and the coral reef goes on forever. Fiji is gorgeous. I know sometimes people complain about them being in the same place for season after season, but it is amazingly beautiful and colorful and almost makes me what to go to the tropics. Almost. First up is Manu. Everyone stands around introducing themselves. Jared from Subway got an early release from prison and is now working as a morning news anchor and going by the name “Rick.” Kelley Wentworth – sorry, I’m contractually obligated to use her whole name because Probst calls her just by her last name – knows this time around she is going to have to actually pretend to be interested in other people. Wendy, the young teal haired gal, is showing how to weave a palm frond and she makes little noises that sound like a Jane Austen heroine sneezing. The unfortunately named Reem Daly looks at her and Wendy explains she has Tourette’s syndrome. There is a long confessional to the camera where she explains a lot of her tics and OCD and she seems likable enough but I am SO glad I do not have to spend time hanging around her. The tics don’t bother me. It’s the fact that she seems incapable of shutting the hell up for more than fifteen seconds. Manu gets their shelter going and it looks pretty good. Meanwhile, over on Kama everyone is hovering around Joe as he gets everyone working on the shelter and building camp. They get fire going which excites everyone to no end. People are wandering around and contributing, except for Julie. She gives up trying to weave a palm frond and tells us that she is from NYC and has no outdoor skills whatsoever. Well, other than peeing on bushes in Central Park once. Because that’s civilized. Though in fairness, I’ve seen a lot stranger things in NYC than someone peeing on bushes. She is annoying. Ron runs off to “get more water” but it is really to read his secret advantage clue. He has to dig near Tree Mail to find out what he won. Johnny, tell him what he’s won! Well, it is a new one for Survivor. He has an Advantage Menu. Ron gets a choice: Steal a reward, Get an extra vote, or individual immunity that is good up until the third tribal council (so…tribe swap in the third week?). It’s a good change, requiring some thought and judicious usage of an advantage. The tribe continues to get to know each other. Helloooooo Eric bonds with Gavin, the young man from Tennessee, and they discuss getting rid of Aubry quickly. Gavin is funny when he tells us that if he wins the million dollars he might buy a fourth stoplight for his small town. It was amusing. I may like the kid. Back to Manu. They have a problem. Someone packed their mom. Reem makes sure everyone is drinking their water, and she goes to check on the clothes drying on the beach, picking them up and folding them. Warthog does not appreciate the help and grouses about it. Rick and Lauren react the way you should to something so incredibly mild and non-threatening: they laugh about it. Reem is kind enough to take self-proclaimed Mama’s Boy Keith out into the water to help him learn to swim a bit better. Wendy is there as well, but instead of the rest of the tribe being happy that they are trying to improve the kid’s skills so he doesn’t slow them down on challenges, the separation is used to make the rest of them into one alliance against the three outliers. Jared from Subway is especially happy at this development, probably because he belongs more with the nerds than the Wentworths of the world. Immunity challenge time! Probst is wearing a Valspar Paint Pacific Pleasure shirt for those keeping score at home. As always, the first challenge is multipart and combines physical and mental challenges. First the tribe will go through an obstacle of ropes and one person will then climb to the top of a rope and ring a bell. Once that is done, the tribe will ascend to a platform and will have to cross a three-tiered balance beam to the other side. Once there they will have to untie some ropes to release a bar that will open up the balance beam so it is much easier to cross for everyone. After that, one person has to climb up a crow’s nest to release a slide for all the tribe members to get to the other side. Then six members will work to solve a giant and very heavy slide puzzle made from wooden cargo boxes. Whew! I’m exhausted just describing it! The immunity idol is pretty neat this season: it is a stylized Chinese dragon. Think Mushu from Mulan, cast in bronze. Survivors ready? GO! The first part is pretty simple but getting across the three tiered beam is challenging for normal people. Joe manages it on the first go and is working on the rope knots, followed by Eric and then Aubry. For Manu, David is third to try and makes it across. He goes carefully, even though someone was screaming from the tribe for him to go faster. It was either Lauren or Wentworth, not Reem. I know!! That was my guess, too. Lauren crosses and the two of them are working on the knots, but Kama is on to the next part of the challenge. Kelley tries crossing but falls and bashes her head against the beam. Probst points at her and shouts, “WENTWORTH! ARE YOU OKAY!?!” She says she is, while blood runs down her forehead. That’s why Probst gives her his ultimate sign of respect: calling her by her last name. Eventually both tribes are working on the slide puzzle, but Kama had a big enough lead so they win immunity. Oh, and flint which Probst nearly forgets to toss their way. He has nothing for Manu. Post-challenge strategy finds Reem, Wendy and Keith at the well talking about voting out either Lauren or Kelley. Jared from Subway wanders up and Reem immediately reams him with the idea that the two girls are too close so one has to go. Keith doesn’t like that they don’t give Rick (Jared) a chance to breathe and he heads back to camp and rats out the girls to the rest of the tribe. The rest of the group immediately decides to vote out Reem. David and Warthog talk to Wendy to try and keep her calm. After the conversation, Warthog wants to take Wendy out for being too stubborn. So, because the young gal is not immediately pliable and listening to what he tells her to do, she’s too stubborn? Piss off, you lunkhead. Wendy finds Reem and gives her a heads up that she is the likely target. This succeeds only in making Reem mad and forcing the rest of us to listen to a diatribe to the camera about how they don’t even know how strong she is, dude! Turns out, Reem’s go-to pronoun is “Dude.” Everyone is addressed as “Dude.” It comes across not as hip and relevant but as desperately trying to cling to the last vestiges of her youth when everyone used “dude” with everyone…twenty years ago. Catch up, lady. The world has moved on. Also, stop picking up other people’s clothes. They are not your children. Tribal Council time. The set is bonkers amazing. Voting booth is a bamboo tower, the council section is set up as a half circle of wrecked boats. So cool! Probst is wearing a Valspar Paint Glass Tile shirt for those keeping score at home. Everyone grabs a torch and dips it into the lifeblood of Survivor, the fire pit. I really want a firepit for our backyard patio. Does anyone have one of those bowl ones with the iron mesh cover? Are they any good? Slide into my private messages if you have some advice on the topic. But getting back to this tribal council, it is basically one big pile-on of Reem. She talks a LOT and complains a LOT. My notes show thus: “Reem. Blah blah blah blah.” That kind of sums it up. She claims it is age discrimination against her. Probst asks if she’s confrontational by nature. She denies it. Warthog tries to tell her what rubbed people the wrong way and her answer is, “Tell me more, I love to learn.” The tone is completely the opposite of the words. Let’s just get to the vote because the fun stuff happens after the vote. Probst goes to tally the votes. Reem. Kelly! Wendy. Laurin. Reem. Wendy. Reem. Wendy. Reem. And with that, the yappy mother is voted out. Her torch is snuffed and she heads down the path to extinction complaining all the way, muttering her disgust and disapproval….but! coming to a crossroads, there is a sign. It reads: “You have a decision to make.” Then the sign on the right says, “If you do not want to play anymore, follow this path and your adventure will end.” The sign pointing left says, “If you want a chance to get back in the game, take the torch and get in the boat.” Reem, of course, takes the torch and follows it down the path as it starts to rain. We see the boat headed to a barren island where she is marooned. Driving rain is coming down. Nothing is on the beach. She wanders back a bit and finds a shipwrecked frame (possibly the ribcage of a brontosaurus) with a small tarp that provides the barest of shelters. Lightning cracks and thunder rolls. And thus the new season of Survivor begins!
  25. BLASPHEME! I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Will look closer next week.