*Recaplet* (See below for extended version)
I was feeling a little melancholy when gearing up to write the Season 19 finale recap. This is my 10th BB finale recap here at HT, after all. Also, I haven't been around much this season, due to real life stuff, but I could not miss the opportunity to make fun of the hamsters of BB19 one last time. Alas, I got home late tonight, so my recap won't be fully written until tomorrow.
I managed to fast-forward my way through the show already, so the most difficult part is out of the way. I'm still reeling from the facts:
Josh won in a 5-4 vote against Paul.
Cody won fan favorite.
There are actual "celebrities" who want to play this game for the upcoming winter season
If I never see Frankie Fucking Grande again, it will be too soon.
Of course, they all suck. And, what a weird season. I don't know if it was the return of Paul, the proliferation of couples, or just that after 19+ seasons, we're just fucking sick of it all.
After previous lies, previouslies, we're left with Christmas, Paul, and Josh to battle for their spot in the F2. Sadly, that stands for Final Two, not an F2 tornado. Our intrepid three are enduring an, um, endurance comp, where they have to hold on to a unicorn tail while the unicorn toots in their faces. I don't hate it, but the set looks cheap AF. Josh is the first to drop, followed by Christmas. So, Paul is the winner of part one of the final HOH competition. Why can't we ever have nice things??
In Part Two of the final HOH competition, Christmas and Josh fight to the death in a competition called, "Knock 'em Down", using catapults in a medieval contest where they have to guess which houseguest to knock over, based on a clue. In a missed opportunity, the HGs are represented by cardboard cutouts, sporting the latest in the Lannister Label.
I totally zoned out during this part, (aka: poured more wine), but apparently Josh wins this, even though they both thoroughly sucked, based on what little I saw. It took each of them over an hour and half to do this, which seems pretty sucktastic to me.
So, yawn~ Josh and Paul will face off in Part 294 of the final HOH competition.
In a stupid waste of time, Paul, Christmas, and Josh have heartfelt conversations with the cameras.
Paul: Hi America, friendship, blah blah blah.
Christmas: Sad story about her mom being diagnosed with breast cancer and wants to buy her a house with the winnings.
Josh: What dumbass thing should I do next? Evict Paul, or keep him?
Up next: Dr. Will. No, he's not removing another genital wart from HWSNBN, but he might as well be. This is one ugly and dejected jury.
This is simultaneously the best and worst part of the show. These people SUCK, but watching them try to out-suck each other is mildly entertaining. Also, can Raven just disappear from my TV for, like, ever? In addition to her being the 2nd most annoying person in existence, I never forgot her love for the most annoying person, ever~ Fucking Frankie J. Fucking Grande.
I'll back up and try to do this some justice.
Will’s hair is aging him, but his skin is still dewy. He wants to discuss the three remaining HGs and what they did to remain where they are.
Will wants to know who the jury thinks will be the next to join them. Cody immediately guesses Kevin, saying he’s less annoying than the rest of them. Some agree. Raven says she’d love for it to be Josh, but thinks it will be Christmas, “110%”. Raven’s hairdo of choice is a real head-scratcher. As in, I’m surprised she’s not scratching her head. Looks like she cut some dreadlocks off a moose, curled them, then glued them up-side her head.
Alex hopes it will be Christmas, saying if she could break Christmas’ other leg, she would. Tough talk, loser. Cody and Elena laugh heartily.
Will reveals the next juror. It’s Kevin! He lopes in to a smattering of applause from the jury. Raven asserts that she just KNEW it would be Kev. Mark and Elaina call her on her bullshit, but this erupts in a back and forth between Mark/Elena and Matt/Raven. Insults fly. These people do not like each other. I’d say Matt does a pretty good job of getting under Mark’s skin. And mine. The other jury losers seem to enjoy the dramaz.
Will welcomes Kevin to the jury. Kevin mumbletalks about what just happened in the house. He’s surprised about being evicted. Alex thinks that is weird. She wants to know why Kevin didn’t call Paul out for screwing him over. Jason says he’d knock his teeth out. Kevin says he’s not that type of person. The jury, it is bitter.
Raven and Kevin think Josh is lucky to still be in the house, saying he would act aggressive, then cry. Cody doesn’t respect Josh as a dude. (I’VE MISSED YOU, CODY!)
Jason says Josh realized his role was to be a “non-violent psychopath that was extremely emotional”. NAILED IT!
He goes on to say he doesn’t want to reward bad behavior. Please tell me what show, exactly, Jason thought he auditioned for? Wing Nut ain’t that bright.
Elena does not respect Josh as a “human being”, and he’s merely “existed” in the game.
Will, (and I), want to hear more from Cody. Will asks if Josh can win the game. Cody says they’re both scum, but feels Josh took action, while Paul was behind closed doors, being a wuss. Alex agrees, of course.
Mark agrees, too, saying Josh would say how he felt to your face. Matt says anyone who could fight with everyone in the house and still make final three is impressive. Raven quickly agrees. God, they make Brenchel almost tolerable.
Alex points out several things, but mainly that Josh got to the end.
Will wants to know if Christmas deserves to win. Kevin mumbletalks about not knowing the answer to this. Raven snorts and laughs too loudly. She craves attention and it’s kinda gross.
Cody says Christmas gets the “Cripple Pass.” Everyone agrees… except for the person who they’re blaming the accident on. Jason says she took a “tragedy” and turned it into a “triumph”. *sigh* I need more wine.
Alex says Christmas pivoted from a physical strategy to a social one. Raven is butthurt, because she still believed in Santa. I mean, Christmas. Matt thinks her biggest move was aligning with Josh, who was a bigger target.
Finally, Will wants to know why Paul should win the game.
Kev: He’s clever, he manipulated everyone, he outsmarted everyone, (Cody disagrees with this).
Matt: He made it to final three without ever going on the block and the only other person to ever do that was Derek.
Mark: He had the game served up on a silver platter
Cody starts in on Paul’s 3 weeks of safety. Will shuts that down with some of Cody’s advantages and says there were plenty of weeks after Paul was unsafe that he could have been voted out.
Elena claims she would have taken a shot at Paul if she’d remained in the game, (a few smirks here).
Will points out that there are a number of duos onstage, and they all were expecting to be in F3 with Paul. Matt and Raven agree. Alex and Jason agree. Mark and Elena disagree. They say they realized Paul’s one, true alliance was himself.
Raven points out that everyone lied. Kevin admits Paul kept telling him he was going to keep him and keep playing with him. Jason says Paul told him Kevin was “counterfeit”. Kevin disagrees, and being there in the jury is proof, (huh?) Alex says Kevin is totally counterfeit, but just got played. This is kinda great. But sad. Sad, in that I may like Kevin better than anyone else there.
Elena admits to being a bitter juror; Paul crossed a line. Alex feels Paul tried to make everyone feel belittled. Jason says Paul “overlied”. Raven feels that, along with bad hair extensions, is part of the game.
Will wants a show of hands of those who lied or backstabbed while in the house. He calls out Alex for reluctantly putting up her hand. Will wants to know if fake crying is lying. Alex is defensive. Will is having none of it. I’m ready for this to be over. It’s not as fun the 2nd time around.
Raven says they’re not playing “Big Baby”. Actually, they’re just playing *with* a bunch of big babies. ZING!
Matt says Paul tricked everyone except Cody, (who gives a thumbs-up).
Will mentions that no one seems to be giving much credit to the F3.
Elena says she can see how Paul made it, but the other two only made it because they’re non-threats.
Mark doesn’t respect this season and doesn’t respect the strategies. Great way to not get an invite back, pal. Miraculously, Will raises his brows.
Will points out that the F3 are better than the losers. Niiiice. This is the Will we love.
Jason admits to being a sore loser and is rewarded with a compliment for his honesty.
Talk about hard work to get where they are and we’re rewarded with some great reactions by Alex and Cody when Raven goes on a rant about Christmas and her surgery and the “mental capacity” it took for her to remain there.
Will obviouses that the winner will be chosen from the F3. The jury does not seem to like those choices.
Finally, it’s time for the last part of the final HOH. Josh and Paul are on the previously-used Scales of Suckitude.
How well do these manboys know the jury? No one really knows, but Josh did a better job of guessing the correct answers.
Josh wins and now has to choose who to take to the finale. He chooses Paul. Christmas is sent to meet Julie. In her interview, she claims to be proud of Josh and proud of herself.
Now, live and onstage, Julie chats with the jurors. Christmas joins them. Exactly no one is surprised. They are, however, surprised Josh won the final HOH. The jurors ask the F2 some questions. If you want in-depth coverage of this, I am sorry to disappoint you. All I want is for this to be over. I’m not giving a play-by-play at this point, because I have standards. And a bedtime.
Speeches. Paul lays down exactly what he did this season. Like him, or not, he is one of the better players, as far as manipulation goes. His jury management skills suck, though. Josh, not-so-eloquently says his piece. He played the game as a meatball, (meathead), but he’s really a superfan, and no one knew! No one seems really surprised by this revelation, though.
The jurors vote. Raven’s fake hair looks like fuck again. This girl needs a make *under*.
Oh, joy. The other evicted HGs have joined. Jessica shames them by saying she tried to warn them all about Paul, but no one other than Cody would listen. She said the worst part of the season was hearing how they were all willing to throw their game away for Paul. Julie cues an amazing segment where each of the jurors basically talk about how they trust Paul. Paul should win this game. But, he won’t. Because this is a petty, bitter jury. Plus, Paul sucks.
A montage of Josh’s final messages is played at this point, where he outed his alliance with Paul and Alex to every evictee.
Apparently, Cody and Jessica still want to have gross sex together.
Final-fucking-ly, Julie reveals the votes.
Cody, as the tiebreaker: Josh
That’s gotta sting.
Much ado, confetti, tears, etc. Cody and Jessica hump onstage.
America’s fave HG had over 15 million votes. It came down to Kevin, Jason, and Cody. Aaaand, Cody wins! I’m not who is more surprised~ Cody, or the rest of America, (but certainly not me.)
See you this winter, (or not), for the celeb version of BB!