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  1. Broadcast Recappers Wanted!

    If @jennknee needs to switch out the 25th, then I can take the 25th and 26th and do some back-to-back recappage. Hopefully that will be a week where both Bayleigh and Tyler simultaneously use their power apps and the Chenbot gloriously short-circuits in confusion.
  2. July 5 - Who Are These People?

    Great job, @elizabethann, thanks for recapping!! And yes, where are @jerrye25 and @thunderstruck on HT this year?? If they are not in the BB house, or are a part of the miracle of getting the soccer team out of the caves this AM, we need to get their snark back into our lives.
  3. @jennknee this is amazing!!! You need to cross stitch all the things!! Maybe Fisty will sell your wares on the HT website! ;-)
  4. Well, we’ve known these idiots for almost one full week of our lives. Typically at this early point in the season, there aren’t a ton of people that we abjectly 10000% hate, but those voices you now hear are Swaggy & Kaitlyn asking us to hold their beers, because their ego & aura won’t back down from any challenge (even self-destructive ones about becoming hate-worthy). So let’s do this, Episode 3. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude checks in after a well-deserved break from the Celebrity BB season, and takes some moments to remind us of the Previous’lies: The 16 HG’s move in, and immediately, Kaycee gets a unitard, Sam becomes a Bot, and Swaggy wins a comp to keep 8 of the 16 HG’s safe from eviction. Tyler wins the HOH, making Steve nervous because he “already told work that he needed the entire summer off!” Doh. Probably should have saved up those vacation days, buddy. Winston decides to quit daydreaming about his beloved gun, and forms an alliance with some of the pretty people + the sitting HOH. Meanwhile, King Swaggy forms a vibing mellow alliance with Faysal, Bayleigh, Haleigh, Rockstar, Katilyn, and Kaitlyn’s 3rd Eye (though, I’m not sure if any of them realize that the 3rd Eye does not get an eviction vote, no matter now much Kaitlin manifests the 3rd Eye into becoming a voting member of the house). Swaggy & his crew go to HOH Tyler’s room to get him to put up “big targets” Winston & Angela, but Tyler thinks a better big target would be to put up his girl Bayleigh to knock Swaggy down a couple (million) pegs. At the nomination ceremony, Tyler plays it safe by nom’ing last-place comp finishers Steve & Sambot, but is open to a big-move re-nom of Bayleigh, if Swaggy’s swagginess gets even more unbearably swaggtastic. TONIGHT, alliances are forming and stumbling all over themselves trying to come up with a stoooopid name (@jennknee 's favorite thing ever!)! Romances (and romance denials) are forming! And the BB Den of Temptation App Store (“Yes, an App Store, let’s call our contrived efforts to manipulate the game an App Store this year!” –BB20 Production) opens for business! Who will receive a Power App to get some arbitrary Paul-like protection of their game? Who will get the Crap App and choose to eat non-Muslim-approved foods? And will Sam’s endearing southern charms be cute enough for America to let it slide when the Sambot electrocutes Kaitlyn to death (the answer is Yes, of course, because Kaitlyn is AWFUL)? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (And for very deserved laughter on the above Previous’lies, feel free to check out @dc20willsave 's snarktastic recappage!) It’s at this point in recent seasons when I have enjoyed – in an effort to decipher the character archetypes that CBS has chosen to cast – doing a full deconstruction of the new season’s splash-credit intros of the HG’s. But I’m skipping out this year, because CBS IS RECYCLING ALL THEIR MOVEMENTS FROM PAST HG’S!!! It’s like CBS doesn’t have the time or energy to get a lowly intern to come up with 16 individual four-second motions for them to fake their way thru as they splash (to wit: the two-handed “come here” move done by Swaggy, was done by both BB19 Matt and BB16 Devin; the “blown kiss” from Haleigh was done by both BB16 Brittney and BB18 Natalie; the peace sign from Rockstar was done three times in the past by BB16 Frankie, BB18 Bridgette, and BB19 Alex; the “I’ve got a secret” pose done by Angela was also done by BB17 Jason and BB19 Jessica; the one-handed “come here” move by Rachel was done by BB19 Elena). Come on CBS! Simply get Julie Chen’s clothing & stylist intern (who has been badly phoning it in lately, per Bailey Gambill) to create some NEW intro moves for the new HG’s. It can’t be that hard. (OR, do a better job casting a greater range of HG’s instead of the color-by-numbers personalities that allow you to simply recycle the intro footage…but that’s a longer post for another day). That said, this year’s intros do give us something — namely, the Plaid Shirt theory is back in play. During 4 consecutive BB seasons (BB16, BB17, BB18, and BB Over The Top), there was at least one HG wearing plaid clothing in the splash credits, and each of these 4 HG’s won their season (BB16 Derrick, BB17 Steve, BB18 Nicole, and BBOTT Morgan). In BB19 no one wore plaid, and in Celebrity BB, everyone was obviously wayyyyyyyyy too fancy for plaid. But after two plaid-free seasons, Sam the welder is back with a plaid shirt for the BB20 intros. So if she can survive these early days of being a Bot, expect her to win BB20, done and done. But since we have the better part of 90 days until we crown Sam the BB20 winner at the finale, I guess I’ll keep writing tonight’s recap… We pick things up on Day #5 at the close of the nomination ceremony. Tyler DR: I put up Sam and Steve because they finished last in the HOH comp. But it’s still early, there is POV to play, so I just have to play it cool right now. Steve DR: It sucks, I’m on the block right now. But, I’m not a wallflower. I don’t sit there and cry and live off of sympathy like I’m a Russo Sister! I’m a New Jersey cop! So I’m gonna show these houseguests that this doesn’t phase me at all. Now, off to the Bada Bing! Swaggy DR: Mannnnnn, Tyler’s game is whack as HELL! He had a chance to get a big threat out this week, and he puts up Sam and Steve! What are they going to do to you?! Looks like I’m gonna have to get caught in a showmance that would be destructive to my game, if only to put a bigger spotlight on Bayleigh and help Tyler make a “big move” nomination after POV! We now go to the backyard, where newly-nom’ed Steve tells a group of HG’s that he’s ready to rock, he’s got the mindset to fight and he’s ready to fight for POV. HOH Tyler then comes out and starts crying like a Russo Sister (but unlike the manic Russo’s, are they real tears….?), and expresses that nominations were hard and that he’s sorry he had to do it. Steve DR’s that “Tyler is a good kid, and it breaks my heartstrings to see him so upset.” Tyler sheepishly says to them that he knows he’s the last person that should be crying. This gets a hug from Steve, a hug from Bayleigh, empathy from JC, and then leads to the DR reveal from Tyler that it was largely a fake tears exercise to make them think he’s a softie that can be reeled in emotionally. So if that was the objective, then #MissionAccomplished Mr. HOH, it worked. Next up, we see Rockstar go into the Store Room and ask, “Hey, Sam, are you in here?” to which the SamBot replies, “Yes, I’m in here. I’m a robot. I can barely control my motorized movements, I have no functioning arms or apposable thumbs, and so if I’m left by myself in any room with a closing door, OF COURSE I’m here!” (Seriously, who left her by herself in the store room?!) But grateful for any attention that any HG wants to throw her way, Sam tells Rockstar that she’d love to do some one-on-one’s with other HG’s in the store room and hear from them any thoughts they have on the game. Rockstar says she’ll put the word out and send people in. We start things off with the insanely loud-chewing Bayleigh as she channels Lily Aldrin being completely indifferent to the SamBot convo while devouring some Baked Lays in one giant mouthful. Next up is JC, trying to be helpful to SamBot and reassure her that even if nom’s stay the same, that she would be safe and Steve would go home. Now it’s Haleigh’s turn to gig ‘em, #ButFirst, she asks if SamBot’s volume can be turned down, because she’s still too hung over from the Tri-Delt party from the last semester at A&M and everything is just too loud. Then Winston comes in for his Sam session, and asks if SamBot’s volume can be turned up because he had a 24 hour rager with both his gun at the shooting range & dog Dixie at the bark park before moving into the BB house, and he still can’t hear anything from the loud happiness he experienced. Tyler now comes to chat, and earlier fake-crying aside, he sincerely seems to care about Sam, he doesn’t want her to go home, and he would like to work with her going forward. But then this sincere bonding moment between Tyler & SamBot is completely blown up by “life coach” (air quotes intended) Kaitlyn, who clearly shoved all of her coaching empathy into a crystal and then told one of her 6 spirit guides to bury it in another dimension. SamBot asks Kaitlyn what she thinks of the nominations, and (with HOH Tyler still in the room) passive-aggressively states, “To be honest, I’m not like, shocked that you were nominated…it just made the most sense, you were, like, an easy target because, like, you haven’t really been here…”, as the screen of the SamBot begins to hysterically show her with raised eyebrows at what she is so insensitively hearing. Kaitlyn then starts angrily riffing on Sam’s “mindset” being ready to play this game, and that she needs to just get herself off the block! You must be an ah-may-zingggggggg “life coach”, Kaitlyn. Imagine with me, readers, our Krazy Kaitlyn with a client who… Is struggling with unemployment: Uh, if you’re stressed about unemployment, you need to just go out and get a job! Is struggling with depression: Uh, depression is so hard! I think the best solution is to just make yourself happy! Is struggling with a relationship: Yes, relationships are both the best and the worst! So just work harder at the relationship…or don’t. Either one, it’s all good (said as she indifferently leaves the coaching session while putting on sunglasses with a 3rd eye tinted lense). Listen, I think life coaching and life inspiration is fine. And believing in higher powers/spirits is certainly fine as well. But something tells me that Life Coach Kaitlyn is much more like Paris Gellar's life coach Terrance, than she is the Dalai Lama. SamBot then asks Kaitlyn what she would do if she were the one who was nom’d as a robot, and after a few more cavalier Well-I’d-just-start-fighting platitudes (which we will all now note, for the time when Kaitlyn is eventually nominated!), SamBot lost her cool and said that if Kaitlyn were actually a robot, that she wouldn’t be able to be in the hot tub with Faysal, and Kaitlyn, all 3 of her eyes, and all 6 of her spirit guides storm out of the store room in anger. Good times. Back from commercial, and it’s time to learn more about the burgeoning duo that is Steve & Scottie. It seems that Steve can read Scottie well, feels he is smart, and could be a beast in the comps, but is choosing to keep it on the low for right now. Steve feels they complement each other well, and we now see segments of the 2 of them riding the exercise bikes, chatting on the outdoor sofas, discussing clothing, and just developing a sincere bond. DR’s Steve: That kid is loyal, and I like him. Good for the two of y’all. Just don’t name your alliance, and we’ll all be fine… As you know, past seasons of BB have had unusually high numbers of showmances (UGH). We all lucked out with Celebrity BB being showmance-free this winter (and arguably led to better gameplay for the season, score us), but these idiots are seemingly a group that will revert back to thinking that showmances are completely awful to anyone’s BB game, except when they do it, in which case they’ll be able to easily strike the perfect balance of summer camp love and locked-in game focus. And so it’s time to get caught up on the “This Time It’s Different!” love of Bayleigh & Swaggy’s “Showmance/No-mance/OK Maybe We Are A Showmance?” soap opera. Swaggy DR’s that “she’s the dopest girl” and looks forward to talking with her for hours every night after everyone goes to bed. And while Bayleigh may have moments where she stresses us viewers out, I’m confident ALL OF BB NATION was high-fiving her when she shared the following during one of their late-night chats: Bayleigh: Okay, I’ll tell you this – “Swaggy”? I don’t like it. Swaggy (confused, as if he had never heard this before from anyone in his life): WHY?! Bayleigh: Because, it’s a nickname. And it wasn’t one you inherited. You completely made it up, by yourself. Bayleigh DR: I think Swaggy is the most “extra” person on this planet. Who gives themselves a nickname, and then forces everyone in the world to call them this nickname, when no one in the world ever gave you this name??? And all the BB congregation said “Amen”. But then Bayleigh undermines her whole point by going on about how a part of her is jealous that Swaggy is so confident in himself, and how she wished she loved herself as much as he loved himself. Bay, you were so so close to a moment of clarity. But OK, we’ll shrug our shoulders, and see you off to the madness you seek. Up next we see a quick segment on Kaycee (easily one of the most likeable people in this whacked out cast) being eminently likeable. Our girl was penalized with the unitard & pinwheel (which makes her stay in the room she is in whenever it starts spinning, and she cannot leave until it stops…and seeing her grab cushions and get comfortable to nap while it spins makes us think that the pinwheel may spin for much more than a few minutes). The takeaway here is that she is seemingly handling this like a champ, still seems to have a sense of humor about it all, is seen joking back to the pinwheel, and taking it all in stride (even while missing out on Rockstar’s birthday party and house dinners). Good on you, Kaycee. In a completely crazy year of news and American life, it’s nice to see you model an ability to keep one’s spirits high, even when circumstances are not going your way. Up next, it’s time to deal with these stupid alliances and their naming exercises. Ugh. We zip up to HOH and see Bro Brett enjoying the bond with Angela, Rachel, Tyler, Winston, and Kaycee. Brett concludes “this group can go all the way” (#BBFamousLastWords), and they decide to name themselves Level 6 (because there is SIX OF THEM, DO YOU GET IT??!!! Welp, at least putting a number in the name will prevent Brett from pulling a BB16 Devin and arbitrarily adding other HG’s into the group in the middle of the night…right? RIGHT??!! Ugh, I hate these people.) They figure out a nonsense handmotion and computer blip sound (the BB20 tech theme is alive and well), and Tyler shares with them that Swaggy’s side came up to HOH and wanted him to target Angela & Winston as the Week 1 nom’s. Brett goes full-on Coach Bro, and rallies the troops by saying “Paranoia is TOXIC, but just know that the 6 of us are rock solid! We’re looking at the Final 6 right here.” (dude, bro, bro dude, WHYYYYYYYYY are you jinxing this?! It’s only the FIRST WEEK!!!) Next is more Showmance/Nomance editing for Swaggy & Bayleigh. Swags is up in HOH with the exhaustingly crazy Kaitlyn, saying that he needs to back off the Bayleigh connection because it’s taking him away from the game. We then cut to Bayleigh & Haleigh in the backyard, w/ B-leigh telling H-leigh that Swaggy is crazy and that if he ever said that he was into her, that she’d be turned off. Cue the next predictable scene of Bayleigh & Swaggy making out in bed. Because yes, even in its 20th season, BB houseguests are just that predictably discipline-free. Hysterically, shortly after their middle of the night makeout, Swaggy gets out of bed and goes full-on Buyer’s Remorse regarding Bayleigh. Swaggy DR: I’m all the way BUGGIN’! I’m an idiot. I came here for half a million dollars, I didn’t come here for some showmance! Showmances do not work in this game, the girls always win and the guys always go home, and I’m not havin’ that! So yeah. Swaggy is a mess. But we already knew that. Next we get a visit from a pigeon. No wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t have my glasses on, its Kaitlyn’s Grandpa Lou, there to validate her that she will be OK in the BB20 house! My apologies to Kaitlyn and her family. Without my glasses, I clearly can’t see very well. My bad. It’s now time to tune into the BB20 show-within-the-show: “Life is Hard for Sam”. We see lots of segments of her robot limitations in backyard, people walk by her in hallway, and essentially just moving around her robotic presence in order to play more of their own fun reindeer games. And when she comes back as human, Sam just feels ignored. We now witness her “I hate everyone, everybody sucks” speech in the Blue Room. She starts crying in bed, as Angela, Swaggy, and Rachel, emotionlessly sit there and reminder her that it’s just a game (whoo-hoo, empathy!). Thankfully, JC comes in (wait, did I just say that?!) for some positivity pep talk’ing and some tough love for Human Sam, reminding her that millions of people would love to trade places with her and be in this game, and that the robot penalty is hard, but she doesn’t need to let it bring her down and cause her to give up. JC says that she has won the lottery by being able to play this game, and that she’s only choosing to focus on the bad parts. JC’s words actually do come across very well, and Sam even appreciatingly states “that’s like the first real thing anybody has said to me since I’ve been here”. Crisis averted, well played JC. When Kaitlyn leaves the game in a huff of rage and meltdown, you should totally apply to be the new BB20 life coach. (NOTE: can we all agree that while the Robot penalty has some interested aspects, that it is COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS timing to have this penalty in Week 1, when it’s critical to get to know each other? At least Kaycee’s penalty still has her in the house, able to walk up the stairs and be in HOH during the first week, help make food for the dinners, freely open and close doors, and use her apposable thumbs to function in the house. Surely, after her meltdown in tonight’s episode and obvious lack of any social footing throughout the first week, CBS can realize the error of their timing, yes?) We’ll further deconstruct this Note in a moment, #ButFirst, it’s time for the annual reveal of the (at this point, incredibly TIRED) tradition of BB Slop. The HG’s walk into the kitchen and see the giant caldrons of slop sitting on the otherwise beautiful orange dining table. Bayleigh immediately DR’s that she is not eating slop because “it’s not fit for a Queen” (Bayleigh, I’m sorry, but you know you are playing Big Brother, right? After you leave the house, do you plan to get a job as a lifeguard and complain that you hate how wet the water is?). Unlike the glory of BB seasons past when there were food comps to determine who ate slop, we now continue to recent trend of the HOH asking for volunteers to go on slop. Winston, Brett, Scottie, Kaitlyn answer Tyler’s call, and will be making slop cookies all week. We also get to see “the most low-tech Have Not Room in BB history” which reveals tiny beds shaped like satellite dishes. We now zip out to a late night game of pool w/Swaggy & Faysal. Brett and Winston also come out, and Swag takes this opportunity to ask them to play some bro-riffic game time. Ever the bro who’s always down to bro even harder, Brett is all about playing. Winston on the other hand – either because he needed a moment to himself to regroup after hours of crying in the DR about missing his gun, or being suspicious of what it could look like for the 4 of them to be seen together – tells them that he’s going to pass on the game of pool. Swaggy & Faysal play their bro cards w/Brett and bloviate that if the 3 of them and Winston get together, that they’d run through the house like the July ants conquering the BB countertops. Swag feels the 4 of them need to have a gentleman’s bro’s agreement that they each look out for each other and go after the other moving parts of the house, as they can for sure win all the HOH’s back-to-back-to-back-to-back, saying “we about to powerhouse this whole thing, it’s a wrap!” And with this proclamation, I decide to award Swaggy “The BB18 Jozea Is The Messiah Award” given to the Week 1 houseguest who is NOT the HOH, but who has the biggest case of HOH-itis in the house. Swaggy is feeling 100000% bulletproof in the first week, which is insanely exhausting to watch, but will make his story arc recapping gold for those of us who know how Week 1 BB arrogance always plays out. Brett DR’s that he’s willing to go through the motions of this 4 man Bro alliance, but knows that Faysal & Swaggy are “writing checks that they can’t cash”, and then goes to report the news of this pool meeting to the Level 6 crew. HOH Taylor then decides that if Steve somehow wins POV, that he’d definitely be willing to put Swaggy’s girl Bayleigh up as re-nom. And speaking of Swaggy and his over-confident minions, it’s apparently time for them to formalize their alliance with a name. Ugh. I hate these people. Kaitlyn, with unnecessarily deep sincerity, DR’s that “I want to come up with the perfect name to describe us.” Kaitlyn, with deeply misplaced self-satisfaction, then announces to the group, “I came up with a great name for us: The Alliance America Hates The Most, Swaggy And His Blind Idiots, The BB18 Jozea Fan Club, FOUTTHE – Five Of Us Til The End.” Swaggy points out that there is no H in the acronym, but undeterred in her ignorance, she proclaims that “FOUTTE” (annoyingly pronounced Fow-tayyyy) is the perfect name, and then coordinates a dance shimy to sync with the pronunciation, and I throw all my shoes at my television to make this stupidity stop. The new automated BB voice now comes over the speakers, gathering the HG’s in the living room to hear about the BB20 twist – The BB App Store. HOH Tyler reads the card, describing that America has been voting on questions about the HG’s, and the most trending person with these questions gets the Power App (which can help their game), and the least trending person with these questions receives the Crap App (which is essentially a BB penalty). NOTE: I suspect that all of this is clearly being left super vague and non-transparent to allow CBS the flexibility to rig the “trending” outcome toward whatever Paul-like protections they feel are needed in a given week (hrmmmmmm, and after screwing Sam with the clumsy Robot penalty in Week 1, we should put all the money on Sam likely getting thrown this Power App lifeline, yes?). Swaggy DR: Listen, Swaggy C is always trending, that Power App is as good as mine! And once I have it, I’ll be running the house even more than I already am. Ugh. People are all individually called in, and SURE ENOUGH, we see that a very emotional Sam gets the Power App. She can choose among 5 Power App options, and selects the Bonus Life app, which says this power gives her or the HG of her choosing the CHANCE (in all-caps, actually) to return to the game if evicted, and the power is good for 4 weeks. Interesting that the power is for the “chance” to return. So this is basically an invitation to another Battle Back, right? It doesn’t seem to guarantee her anything…right? But hey, at least Sam the robot got something. Faysal gets the Crap App and has to choose one of 5 punishments to receive for the week. He chooses the Hamazon punishment (which admittedly confused me because the word “ham” is in the name of the app, the graphic for the app was a cooked ham, and Muslims don’t eat ham…so why choose this one?). We see the Hamazon card, and it reveals that Faysal will be receiving ham-based food all week and must eat it upon delivery. So we’ll see how that unfolds. We do see Swaggy go to App Store, and he’s feeling super confident, knowing for a fact that he’s running the house and that America will give him the Power App! Womp womp. He does not get it, and is SHOCKED as he DR’s: Access denied! How can it not be me?! I don’t know what America was thinking, but clearly they messed up! Get it right next week, America! I’m not just some jabroni, I’m your man! So I’m gonna give you one more chance to make Swaggy C happy, so please, get it right this time. Seriously, CBS has got to give the Week 2 Crap App to Swaggy next week, right??? That’s it from me, y’all! Tune in Wed night for the POV comp and ceremony, and an amazingly snarktastic recap from the always beloved @MrsGryn. Happy 4th of July, jabroni’s.
  5. Broadcast Recappers Wanted!

    Hey, I've been crazy busy the last few days, but the Sunday show recap will be worth it (and finally be finished and posted later tonight!). Somebody take tomorrow night's show, and I'll give you a shoutout in my recap!
  6. Our beloved Julie Chen kicks off the season in sheer black dressiness to welcome us to the BB20 house! Surrounded by the beautiful orange décor, she reminds us that 240 players have played BB in the last 19 seasons (I guess you’re not official canon, BB Over The Top & Celebrity BB, #WompWomp), and they have competed in over 600 competitions and won over $10 million of #StacksOnStacksOnStacks. She exits through the fancy double doors, welcoming us to the “official start of summer” (uh, Julie, you have Neil DeGrasse Tyson and his almanac calling on Line 2), as about 50 of the 240 BB alumni are shown in the front several rows (Hey BB3 Lisa, I see you! And hey to you, BB10 Keesha, and BB12 The Meow Meow! And “what up, Kaysar?!” Buttttttttt, most of the rest of y’all can just have a seat….). Mrs. Moonves now informs us that when BB started 20 seasons ago, there were no smartphones, no tablets, no social media (as well as no recruitment of annoying newbie non-fan houseguests based on their Instagram following and/or hotness, but hey, that’s ironic tea for another day). But since then, technology has apparently taken over the world, and so Julie decided that the BB20 house would be taken over by the glorious joys & evils of technology (because hey, what could go wrong?!). Julie says we should “get ready for a summer filled with hacks, apps, and robots”, and “three epic competitions” (OK, settle down, Julie, pace your hyperbole…) in tonight’s two-hour show. She walks toward the giant screen, we get our first signature #ButFirst, and Julie kicks off the first reel of intro videos of our new best friends and sworn enemies of Summer 2018: We start in rural Virginia, where we meet Samantha (“Sam”), who is right out of central casting for “seemingly adorable country bumpkin with a heart of gold, while possessing an overuse of southern affectations which would even make the writers of the “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!” show cringe”. Sam’s a welder, y’all, and she is fighting the patriarchy in a man’s welding world while living in a humble single-wide trailer in her mama’s side-yard (and yes, I recognize that this last sentence read like a “extreme southern caricature” MadLibs page, and no, I did not make any of this up). We now visit the set of Baywatch 2, and meet Tyler on the beaches of South Carolina. He straight up owns the fact that he is the stereotypical dumb shaggy beach bro’seph. He says that his biggest weakness is his brain (Seriously. He said this. Out loud. To the camera.), but promises that his iteration of the laid back surfer dude will not be the first one evicted this season. So there’s that. We now zip over to the midwest and meet former Miss Missouri USA, Bayleigh. Y’all, she’s self-described princess, is currently a flight attendant, and says that even though she won Miss Congeniality in Miss USA, she is actually “nice nasty” and will only help you if she “absolutely has to”. She then prattles on with a string of airline/flight metaphors for her gameplay, and I fast forward to the end of her segment because I just can’t with her right now. But next up is Steve, the 40-something slow-old token casting choice, who may just prove to have a little pop in his game. He is a former undercover narcotics cop from NYC, and now is a tenured college professor who loves his 20-something students. He says he’s both tough as nails, but also has a soft side (cue the bubblebath scene…?), and that he’s a BB superfan. BB16 undercover cop Derrick caught lighting in a bottle to win his season, we’ll see if Steve can get lighting to strike twice. We now zip over to Southern California to meet Nicole Richie Kaitlin, who is a 24 year old life coach (OK, what...?!). We are then greeted with multi-block images of crystals, oils, a tiny buddha, a bunch of glowing orbs, and a claim from Kaitlin that she carries six spirit guides with her wherever she goes. Moving on… Up next, we see that CBS was inspired by the newsworthy success of casting Omarosa in Celebrity BB, and has now decided to cast a Kentucky cat named Winston, who right off the bat says hello, and then immediately articulates his love of the 2nd Amendment and his comfort of taking guns into movie theaters (and then is literally seen kissing his gun goodbye while wistfully saying “I’m gonna miss you.”). But sensing that his segment was getting a bit too loaded with unneeded political triggers, CBS quickly pivots to Winston and his dog (named Dixie, because Winston is nothing if not deeply on-brand). Y’all, Winston loves Dixie, and while still unlucky in human love, he will continue to make lunches for his canine love, Dixie, every day. Next, we go back out to California and meet Angela (who is the answer to the CBS casting question, “What if we cast a more attractive, less-tattooed, less-Paul-influenced Christmas Abbott, and rebooted her for the tech-branded BB20?”). Angela is all the things Christmas was, a professional athlete/fitness queen, someone who is super-competitive, someone who regularly gets underestimated by guys before beating them, and someone who runs her own successful business. Huzzah to Angela, may you not be hospitalized this season. We stay in LA, and meet JC who is so many things. He’s a professional dancer, a body builder, a record-holder in powerlifting, and all at the height of 4’8”. Dude has a big colorful personality and energy, and this CBS segment is all-in on that. After meeting this first group of 8 on stage, Julie sends in a group of 4 (Bayleigh, Winston, Sam, and Tyler) to move into the house (Bayleigh enters the house first, and is the BB20 recipient of the First-In Curse, as we know that in the history of BB, no one who has entered the house first has ever won the game). There’s lot of standard gushing over how amazing the house is, lots of running to find the bedrooms, and a quick moment of introductions among the 4 (Sam DR’s endless layers of southern colloquialisms, and we quickly realize that CBS will be all-in on Sam’s DR’s this season, likely asking her to comment on any possible topic at any time of day or night, just to see what comes out of her mouth). It’s time for the next 4 (Nicole Richie, JC, Derrick 2.0, and Christmas 2.0) to enter the house. Lots more “OMG, this house is amazing!!” ramblings, some new house shots in different rooms, some Kaitlin DR’s about manifesting her successes & thoughts on the current house aura, and an hysterical reveal that Angela & Tyler are both from South Carolina which Tyler was NOT cool with discussing, lest a rumor about them start, and a target gets nailed to them (surfer dude is right, get it together Christmas 2.0!). Back from commercial, and Julie insists we meet the remaining 8 HG’s. So I guess we’ll do that: We start on the Vegas strip (please God, we beg you, please let this not be another Russo Sister!!!!), and we meet a performer named Rachel (who is thankfully not a Russo sister, nor Rachel Reilly in a brunette wig trying to play for 3rd time). She seems to base a lot of her strategy on her ability to flirt & manipulate & flirt some more, so here’s to one-trick ponies living their greatest life. We’re now off to suburban Connecticut to meet day-trader and weekend babysitter Chris. But don’t get too comfortable with his birth name, as his username is “Swaggy C” (and like other HG’s this season, he will hit you over the head with how on-brand he will be, even using the 3rd person to refer to himself like The Jimmy on Seinfeld). Up next is Angie (aka, Rockstar, because CBS will uniquely brand every single breath of every single HG if it is the last thing they do this season!). Y’all, someone named Rockstar is a lot of things, she simultaneously wears every color of the crayon box, she believes in “peace through partying”, she’s into magical unicorns, she’s a self-described pagan witch, and also a mother of three. Next up is the bro’iest Bro’seph who ever Bro’ed, meet Brett. This Bro Brett is from Boston, and when not being a “brawny burly boy” (all his bro’tastic word choices) working out at the gym, he is (get ready for more of his righteously self-branded words!) “an American patriot, fighting cybersecurity terrorists every single day”, saying that it is “my moral duty to protect people from those who may take advantage of them”. He identifies as a good looking dude (Vain party, table for 1), and apparently has to live with the daily curse of being underestimated for his looks all the damn time. But don’t worry, bro-chachos, because your boy Brett is always a step ahead of the haters, and wears a pair of fake glasses to apparently dial down his physical attractiveness and allow himself to be seen as not just another good looking bro. Well played, Ego Boy. Well played. We are now off to the hometown of Ron Burgundy – San Diego, CA! Here we meet a very athletic citizen (likely vying for Champ Kind’s sportscaster job on the Newschannel 4 news team), Kaycee. Kaycee is a receiver on a professional women’s football team, and she is LOVED by her family (she has a lifelong Big Brother bond with dad). It’s now time to visit Scottie in Chicago. He’s a self-described “dweeb” who has never been on a date, and never been kissed. He loves to nerd out on games with friends (esp games with “elves and dragons”), but says that he surprises people with how athletic he is, even while he knows he does not come off as anywhere near athletic. He says his gaming background teaches him to think strategically about his actions and be 2-3 steps ahead of everyone. We now get our annual reminder that apparently the students at Texas A&M University have some incriminating photos of the CBS production team, as it’s time to meet the umpteenth consecutive HG slot given to an A&M student/alum. This year’s Aggie spot goes to Haleigh, and she (like everyone this season!) is very on-brand, and for her, it’s being Texan. Cute, southern, big hair, jeans and/or short dress, literally saying “I’m not just a country bumpkin, I’m sophisticated and I’m going to win with my southern charm”, you all know the drill. Thanks for playing, Haleigh, there are some lovely consolation prizes for you backstage. We now zoom into Orlando, where Faysal awaits us. He’s a former UT-Chattanooga wide receiver (who says he “shattered every receiver record there”, but NFL Hall of Famer Terrell Owens went UT-Chatt, so we may need to fact-check this cat). That said, he’s currently a high school coach and a substitute teacher, and also shares that he & his family are proud Muslims (shoutout to Kaysar!). It’s time for the next group of 4 to enter the BB20 house: Haleigh, Scottie, Faysal, and Kaycee. As this group enters, the apparent shortage of beds becomes a topic (this year, the Blue Room and Pink Room are separated by a sliding wall, a case which no one has cracked yet). CBS predictably provides a Sam DR where she references the small quarters of her trailer, aka, “The Sugar Shack”, also not having a lot of beds, and the sound you now hear is the scramble of a Netflix production team packing up equipment to fly to rural Virginia and sign Sam’s family to any rural reality show they want to star in. The final group of 4 (Rachel, Swaggy, Brett, and Rockstar) now enter, and the family bonding begins in full. Brett immediately labels JC as a full-on miniature Bro, and Kaitlin and Rockstar bond over oils/sages/auras, huzzah. It’s time for Undercover Detective Steve to crack his first case of the BB20 season, The Case of The “Where The Hell Are All The Beds?” Crisis. As all the HG’s gather in the Blue Room, Steve casually sits on the floor by himself to lay back and observe. In this spot, he notice Tyler wonder about the thin wall, and Steve suggests that this wall may move. Surfer dude’s world is rocked and his mind is blown, and sho’nuff, they slide the wall to reveal to everyone that YES, there are plenty of beds in the newly revealed Pink Room. Steve DR’s: Being a retire detective, I observe everything, and BOOM, another bedroom. I know a stash room when I see one. I also know a house full of idiots when I see one, too. This Jersey cop is seeing lots of things. Now, off to The Bada Bing! And with this, I encourage everyone to join Tiffany Jacob in voting all sorts of App Store powers to Steve, because we’re going to need him around for at least the first few weeks. It’s now time for the annual Premiere Night rite of passage: the poppin’ of bottles, and the introductions of names, fake jobs, and carefully crafted brand identities. Moments of note include: Yet another DR from Sam stating that she’s down to get to know JC and that she thinks he’s “cuter than a bug’s ear, but he’s already made it known that he’s a part of the ‘LGBGT” community (oh, honey…), so I guess I’m gonna have to sit this one out. But he’s mighty stinkin’ cute.” Rachel is down to get to know Winston. Brett says he’s in “cyber sales” because he “didn’t want everyone to know that I’m in cyber-security and give away my intelligence”. Uh, well played idiot Bro. We’re none the wiser about your, cough, intelligence. Faysal & Haleigh have eyes for each other. Tyler is suspicious of undercover detective Steve (“he’s giving me the bullet eyes, like he’s gonna give me the shakedown in the back alley”), so our idiot surfer may just have some solid game awareness hidden in his Frank Eudy hair. Kaitlin loses the house with her chakra-speak (Winston: I don’t know what chakras are, that sounds sexual and violent, and I want no part of that…unless I had my gun…which I love very much. I would totally chakra my gun.) We learn that Scottie possesses Kaitlin’s “my favorite, my favorite, my favorite energy in the whole house” (said as Winston is likely running into the kitchen to find some aluminum foil and utensils to mold into a fake gun to help calm his racing nervous heart right now) During Rachel’s intro, Kaitlin DR’s that Rachel’s aura is red, which is no bueno to her (red auras apparently create the most friction) Back from commercial, and the HG’s are all hanging out in the Blue Room. The topic of relationships comes up, and Scottie states that he’s never had a relationship. Vegas Rachel’s mind is blown that this is even possible in today’s world, and then loudly flips out when Scottie says he’s never been kissed. She then screams in delight for this non-extended challenge, gets up, and starts chasing Scottie around the house. To Scottie’s nerdy credit, he does seem to have some athletic skills, as we see him effortlessly hurdle the giant orange sofas in the living room, and sprint up the spiral stairs in mere seconds, all while Rachel screams “he’s never been kissed, he’s never been kissed, we have to kiss him!” Meanwhile, I’m sure CBS production is in a panicked frenzy watching this, and before Scottie’s lawyers can file a #MeToo consent grievance with the network, they scramble to quickly get Julie on the living room screen, and call everyone together to discuss the upcoming comp. Well played, Mrs. Moonves. Well played. Julie tells them that the BB20 season theme is Technology, and that they should prepare themselves for “high-tech twists, upgraded powers and punishments, and the most tech-tacular competitions ever”, while everyone ooh’s & ahh’s at her signature hyperbole (NOTE: if they don’t bring back Jeff Schroeder to host a comp called Technotronic, they are doing this all wrong). Cue the continued fish-out-of-water DR’s from Sam: "What I know about technology can fill a thimble. I’m sweatin’ like a nun in a cucumber patch!” God bless. She’s going to give American Idol’s Kelly Pickler a run for her "Most Loveably Overexposed Country Bumpkin on Reality TV" title. Julie kicks off the night of three, count ‘em, THREE comps, by having everyone gather on the BB Super Computer platform into 2 teams of 8 (4 men and 4 women on each team). They are fighting for “the power to re-program the game” (whoo-hoo, vague objectives!), and the winner of the 3-stage comp will have the power to keep 8 total people safe from eviction this week. As Julie continues to read about this tech-tacular comp, their background screen gets fritzy, some sirens go off, and smarty Angela (who is a BB superfan, and likely knows from history that our beloved Chenbot has a lengthy record of messing things up in live comps) hysterically asks of Julie, “Uhhhh, is this supposed to do that?” But no worries, Christmas 2.0, this is all part of Julie’s tech theme, as we learn that the BB Super Computer is crashing and the 2 groups of 8 will have to each play out a comp to try and save it from crashing. Comp #1: The Slime Darkness This comp is very similar to the infamous black box comp of recent seasons. The 8 HG’s slide into a pitch-black room where there is slime & gunk sprayed onto the floor (says Brett: “BRO, it’s disgusting in here, it’s like my frat house after a rager!” – Go away, Brett. Just go away.). They are each tasked to find one of seven folders, each one will let them escape back into the house, with one special folder moving that HG to Comp #3 to have a chance at new power. Cutting to the recapping chase: Tyler, VIP Princess Bayliegh, Bro’han Sebastian Bach Brett, Rachel, Angela, JC, and Winston find their folders (with Kaycee finishing last, and she will receive a penalty; Angela got the special folder to move into the 3rd Comp). Comp # 2: Vertical Spelling The other 8 HG’s are all hung on repelling cables, and are tasked to stack letter blocks on top of each other and spell the word “Houseguest”. The first to spell their word tower will move to Comp #3, and the last person slowpoke to spell their word tower will have a penalty punishment (and we all know CBS is praying the last place finisher in this group will be Sam, if only to give her more attention and DR time to wax southernly poetic about her state of affairs). And of course, CBS cues up a DR from Sam who explains that she thinks she’s a great speller, and was even in the all-county spelling bee in the 2nd grade. She lost on the word “raspberry”, spelling it with a “z”, while America exclaims “Bless her heart” at our curious welder. Cutting to the recapping chase: Swaggy barely beats Scottie to win the spot in Round #3, followed by Undercover Steve, Faysal, Kaitlin, Rockstar, and Haleigh, with Sam (to CBS’s delight!) finishing last. Back from commercial, and Swaggy wants to have a confab with the winner of Comp #1, Angela. He wants to make a deal that regardless of who wins, they’d promise to keep the other safe. BUT, Angela reveals that she had already discussed with her platform group of 8 that if she won, that she’d keep this group of 8 players safe. Swaggy is dumbfounded that she is being presented with the opportunity to be safe herself, regardless of who wins Comp #3, and declining the offer. She says that they should just plan to make their own decisions, and with that, they shake hands and it’s on. And you know, this should all work out OK for her because Big Brother has always been a team sport with multiple winners every season…wait, it’s not? Someone better upload that knowledge into Christmas 2.0, stat. Comp #3: Surfing The Web Both Angela & Swaggy are placed onto surfboards, and will have to stay on their board as it rocks side to side while objects are swung onto their path. To both of their credit, they both stay balanced on their board for an impressive amount of time as the objects swing by. In the end Angela falls off, and Swaggy wins the power that comes with Comp #3. As they hug at the end, he congratulates her effort and says “You pushed me, you’re safe”. But will he keep that post-comp BB promise? Or will Swaggy throw Angela under Becky’s Train Sam’s Single-Wide and do his own thing? Julie now explains that Swaggy can keep 8 people safe, but that the decisions must be based on the CBS-created move-in groups (the 16 people all entered the house in 4 groups of 4, so Swaggy can choose his group of 4 and one other group of 4 – these 8 people will all be safe from eviction this week). But before we figure out safety, Julie reminds us that we have to see the punishments that Kaycee & Sam received. Right on cue, Kaycee comes out of the DR in a multi-colored rainbow unitard (much to Rockstar’s delight, obviously). Kaycee must wear this unitard until the first eviction night, and must stay in a given room if BB starts to spin the mechanical pinwheel. The mystery of Sam’s disappearance continues to grow among the HG’s (did she blow off CBS and leave to go sign a mega TV show deal with TLC?), when suddenly the prop robot in the tech kitchen comes to life and begins rolling toward Rachel. The animated robot face lights up, and asks if Rachel recognizes her voice. Alas, the southern belle that was Sam is now a Bot. She robotically says she can hear and see everything through the camera mount above the screen, but begins to run into the furniture and walls as she rolls around. Sam needs to stay in her robot body until the first eviction night as well (but will have the chance to temporarily return as a human whenever BB says “Robot Offline”…but will there be a Bot-accessible elevator for her to get to HOH?? #BotJustice). It’s well after 2:00am for me, so I’ll quickly hit the final segment of the show: Swaggy’s decision of who to keep safe. The different move-in groups all campaigned and made their case, but in the end, Swaggy decides to not honor his deal to keep Angela (and her team) safe, but kind of cops out and very arbitrarily decides to keep the other team of 4 who moved in with his group safe for the week (which means Swaggy, Rockstar, Bro’seph, Rachel, Scottie, Haleigh, Kaycee, and Faysal all get Friendship Bracelets will all live to see Week 2, while Sam, Winston, Bayleigh, Tyler, Angela, Steve, JC or Nicole Richie will go home this week). As we close, Julie tells us to go to CBS online to visit the BB App Store to give HG’s special powers & punishments (but I’m sure right now Bro’seph Brett has his cyber-security people hacking the App Store now to give the Bro all the powers!). Tune in Thursday night to watch the second part of premiere night, and to read the amazing recappage from @dc20willsave. Thanks for reading, may we all enjoy the 20 years of built-up BB craziness over the next 3 months. Enjoy the start of the live feeds on Thursday!
  7. Broadcast Recappers Wanted!

    OK, since the recappage list has so many good seats still available, I'll bite the bullet and do this Wednesday's premiere. After watching the BB20 2-hour kickoff, I may need this recap to externally process the new levels of stupidity that the last 19 years have been building toward.
  8. Broadcast Recappers Wanted!

    I'll take Sunday 7/1
  9. The Chenbot greets us on stage in a tastefully classy gown that 1) may mean that her stylist is just phoning it in now, or 2) just may be prophetically hinting at “the classiest and most awesome” eviction ever (per Marissa tonight, as the episode ends). We have a lot on the agenda tonight, dear readers: the fallout from Asthma-rosa’s nominations, the live POV & eviction, a mysterious POV twist (that CBS/Julie adorably continue to pump up, as if it is even going to matter…). With only 6 days of CBB to go, we still have a whopping 8 people still in the house. So let’s do this, y’all. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh from writing think-pieces on if Brad & Jen will now complete the circle and end up back together, now takes some moments to remind us of the Previous’lies: The Ross, Marissa, Ari, Brandi “power alliance” (stupidly) cuts Shannon, but during the eviction vote, the Lisa Vanderpump-wannabe went rogue and spontaneously voted to evict Mark, sending the alliance into a swirl of drama The basketball-themed Wall Comp for HOH came down to James & Omarosa, but James felt pity for the asthmatically-challenged of the world and, after bartering for safety, throws it to Omarosa HOH Omarosa wants to target the pairings (Ross & Marissa + Ari & Brandi), but is specifically targeting Ross since he nom’d her when he was HOH Omarosa has meetings to solidify an alliance with guys (Mark, James, and Metta), while also resurrecting the female alliance foursome in order to triangulate her position with Marissa, Brandi, and Ari (you can take the HOH out of Washington DC, but you can’t take the DC out of the HOH). Omarosa ends up splitting both the gender lines and the pairing lines, by nom’ing Ross & Brandi (with a courtesy wink to Marissa – we can hate Omarosa as much as we want, but the woman definitely knows how to maximize the chaos with seemingly minor *cough* gestures) TONIGHT, a special POV voted by America will shake up the game leave the game as it would have been had it just been a normal POV! Who will win this POV, and will it save Ross or Brandi? Will CBS go all-in on Omarosa’s winking and try to get a sponsorship deal with Visine? If yet another HG self-evicts this week, will Fergie, fresh off of her…ummm, interesting…take on the national anthem this week, be available for a few days of CBB gameplay/image rehab? And now that King T’Challa has opened the country’s borders, how soon can we get a season of BB Wakanda to join the international BB listings? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For more zings on the above Previous’lies, feel free to check out the snarktastic recaps this week from @chrysana and @elizabethann!) We pick things up on Day #18 at the close of the nomination ceremony. Omarosa DR’s that she wanted to break up the Ari/Brandi & Marissa/Ross pairs; but she decided on Brandi because “she’s shady” for throwing Shannon a sympathy vote, and Ross because Ross nom’d her last week “and for me, it’s always personal it’s always incredibly reactionary and sanctimonious.” Brandi DR: On top of Omarosa nominating me, I’m worried that my own alliance is turning their back on me. With all of the looks and the winks, I’m starting to wonder if someone has turned over to the dark side! This reference to “the wink” heard ‘round the world then segues to a kitchen meet up, where all are gathered and discussing the nominations. Omarosa continues to say she made her decisions to try and break up the pairs, saying “people have Final 2 deals, people have Final 4 deals, I have nothing…”, which baits nominee Ross into passive-aggressively replying, “You can say whatever you want, it’s OK, honey.”, which then invites Omarosa to pin Ross down and ask “Oh, so you’ve made deals with no one?” Ross then goes into denial-mode, and Omarosa now has him right where she wants him. Doh. Omarosa surgically DR’s that this whole exercise in the kitchen is her effort to plant seeds of doubt among the many alliances (many of them, overlapping alliances) currently seated in the kitchen. Ross awkwardly tries to play it all off, and says that he is simply talking to a bunch of people throughout the house saying (in a not so believable tone) that he doesn’t have any Final 4 deals. Omarosa continues to poke at this question, prompting The Queen of Unnecessary Bluntness, Brandi, to ask with radioactively high levels of Unnecessary Bluntness, “Wait so…like…how did you know about our Final 4?”, as the BB music editors hysterically grind the music to a screech. Omarosa (talking to Ross, pointing at Brandi & Marissa & Ari): You had a Final 4 with them? Ross: With what now? (said with awkward sheepishness) Omarosa just claps and laughs. Brandi: I just wanna know who out of our Final 4 said something?? Marissa: Uhhh, I think YOU just did. Seriously, how does Brandi function on a day-to-day level??? The woman does not know what it means to have an unexpressed thought, and every thought she does express is delivered in absolute bluntness, followed by a quizzical shrug of the shoulder when everyone in the room stares at her words in confused shock. She’s a real-life Cosmo Kramer telling people they’d look really pretty if they simply went and got a nose job. Brandi unwittingly continues to strap herself into Omarosa’s web by now claiming that someone from their group must have talked, and points out that Omarosa knowingly winked at Marissa upon completing her nominations. Marissa is not having any of this accusatory noise, and rises into over-defensiveness (which makes Omarosa smile, as she watches the alliance melt before her eyes). She stomps off with Ross, saying that she’s less upset about the nominations than she is about Brandi implying that she sold out the alliance. And with this developing scene, Omarosa’s planted seeds begin to sprout some self-destructive craziness. Marissa & Ari have a confab, and discuss that the nom’s were a shock to them (esp after all of Omarosa’s talk two weeks ago about getting all of the guys out first), and shared that they expected Mark & Ross to go up. Ari then shares that before nom’s she saw Mark go up to HOH to talk with Omarosa. At this point, our dear BB friend The Clue walks in dressed in a comically superfly Steve Harvey designer suit and hits Ari over the head, prompting Miss Colombia to suspect that Mark & James cut a deal with Omarosa. They then realize that if either of the nom’s wins POV, that Ari or Marissa will be the replacement nom, and for the umpteenth time in BB canon, we watch the dreams of a capable female alliance crash into the ashes of gender backstabbery. Marissa apparently finds some alcohol-infused tape and mends fences with Brandi so she can then spread the Omarosa/Mark/James alliance rumor to our Beverly Hills Housewife. She then pulls Ross into the store room to 1) declare the new O/M/J alliance to Ross, and 2) share that “Ari figured it out. Ari’s very smart. She’s like, the smartest person in the entire house!” (and with that, Steve Harvey realizes that maybe the world would have been a much better place in 2018 if he would have simply shut his mouth and let “the smartest person in the Celebrity BB house” win Miss Universe and run the cosmos for a year). #LessonLearned But Ross seems doubtful about this alleged O/M/J alliance, suggesting that Mark & James don’t really trust Omarosa. Knowing that he needs both Mark & James’s vote to stay, he wants to talk with them, convinced that he can get the truth out of Mark. We now zip out to the back porch, where the group decides that they will play the Twitter Game (where they pose hypothetical questions to each other as questions someone may ask on twitter, in an effort to learn a truth about someone). Omarosa asks Ari about how he feels about Steve Harvey (Ari: I love him, I really do love him), Mark asks Omarosa about the most interesting thing about being in the White House (Omarosa: The 11 days of Scaramucci, shoutout to The Mooch), and Blunt Brandi asks James why would anyone choose LeAnn Rimes over me if he and Mark were actually in an alliance with Omarosa (James: Yes, I’ve made a deal with everyone in the house this year to be polite and nice, but something tells me that will change this week), and then James DR’s that Brandi has been mean to him since Day 1, and that while he’s supposed to vote Ross out this week, he wouldn’t mind seeing Brandi leave instead. Ross now decides to have a kitchen convo w/James & Mark, telling them that they cannot trust Omarosa, telling them that she’s just going to make any deal she needs to get in their head. James DR’s that he’d actually love to see Brandi get voted out instead of Ross, and that he’d be interested in making some new alliance deals. He notes that Marissa seems very close to Ari, and then asks if Ross thinks he can get Marissa over to roll with him & Mark & Ross instead. Ross encourages James to talk with her and see what deals can be made. Mark & James then have a private convo in the gym and realize that their 2 votes entirely control who stays or leaves this week. They conclude that they’d be down for an Omarosa blindside if they can lock up a solid alliance with Marissa & Ross. So off we go to find Marissa. James meets with Marissa in the bedroom and creeps her out w/Orwell the Owl. He lays out that if he & Mark & Marissa can align, they can save Ross and get rid of Brandi. Marissa quickly interjects that she is 100% down to saving Ross, but then dials it back 2 or 3 or 75 percent by saying that “I don’t want to leave Ari in the dust”. James (very correctly) explains that IT’S A GAME, and at some point they will need to break Ari off because none of them will beat the very-loved Ari in the Final 2. Marissa DR: I totally see where James is coming from…but then that leaves Ari completely out of the equation and all on her own, and I’m not ready to do that. I mean, just 12 minutes ago in this very episode of television, I acknowledged that Ari is, like, the smartest person in here! She’d obviously die in this house without my Broadway-influenced overdramatic reactions and jaw-drops, so how could I just cut her loose and save Ross??! Wait, what’s that, BB3Roddy? You mean my simply voting tonight to keep Ross and cut Brandi – who Ari already said she couldn’t trust anymore – wouldn’t forbid me from just selling out the boys next week and realigning w/Ross & Ari on our own? You mean that making one vote tonight still allows me to save Ross and still work with Ari. Oh, OK! Huh, maybe I’ll now just see how POV plays out, and then make a decision from there! Thanks, BB3Roddy! You may almost be as smart as Ari at this game! Julie now whisks us to the backyard, where we see that Metta, Marissa, and Mark have been chosen to join nom’s Brandi & Mark and HOH Omarosa in the POV. Julie explains to the HG’s that ‘Merica has been voting for the last 2 days between three distinct POV powers: Spotlight POV: Winner is forced to use POV VIP POV: Winner can use POV twice tonight Diamond POV: Winner can remove someone from the block, and also then name the replacement nom Julie opens the envelope, and America production chooses the VIP POV, letting all know that it is now entirely possible for both Ross & Brandi to stay tonight. But Metta then asks on live TV “if you win the veto, can you put yourself up?”, and the BB story editors realize that their commitment to so thoroughly detail the fractures in alliances and Omarosa’s power may be undermined by Metta’s apparently determined interest in going on the block himself. #Suspense-UnderminingForeshadow The comp is a standard “get your puzzle blocks, stack a puzzle picture” game that has been played many times. The comp unfolds, and Mark & Ross both do a great job of getting all of their blocks laid out, but seem stumped by getting the final puzzle blocks to complete the picture. Mark remains confused, Ross starts to realize he needs to flip a few pieces around and is getting closer, and Omarosa is very logically piecing her puzzle together in an efficient manner. Production seems ready for Omarosa to rally to win, and surprisingly decides to dedicate the camera shot entirely to her. As Omarosa gets her last piece in, she runs down the lane toward her buzzer, the audience rises in shocked exclamation, she hits her buzzer, and Julie shouts out “Congratulations, ROSS!” as all of America wonders 1) if the Chenbot short-circuited once again during a live TV comp and once again blurted out the wrong result, or 2) why BB production did not prepare to have a split-screen camera shot in case multiple people predictably finished the puzzle within seconds of each other resulting in a legit photo-finish. After a few seconds of confusion, it is confirmed that Ross did actually win the VIP POV, and can now choose to save both himself and Brandi if he desires. At the POV ceremony, Julie asks if Ross would like to implement POV for a first usage tonight, and Ross removes himself from the block. Julie asks Omarosa to name a replacement nominee, and the woman who has been saying all episode that she needs to break up a pair, does NOT put up Marissa or Ari (as she very much could have/should have done, in an effort to further her own game), but instead chooses to put Metta up “because he wants to go home.” Julie then asks Ross if he would like to implement POV for a second time tonight, and he declines. So essentially, all of this voting by America for some fancy superpowered POV actually results in a normal not-so-fancy POV where the winner simply saves himself and the HOH’s chosen HG gets re-nom’ed. Thanks for all your votes, America!! Metta or Brandi will go home tonight. Back from commercial, and to Bailey Gambill’s utter joy, we see that just about every houseguest is suddenly now wearing one of Metta’s Panda Friend ballcaps, and America very quickly realizes that for the 2nd Monday night live eviction show in a row, a houseguest clearly is about to be unanimously “evicted” by their own choosing. Doh. Metta’s speech: It’s been very very difficult for me to be away from my family. I ask that you think back to the halcyon days of familial love in BB16 when #DevinHasADaughter became a battlecry for the father who loves and misses his kids. And while my breastmilk is not depleting like Rudy Huxtable, I ask that you vote me out. Yes, I know I have already been away from family for 20 days, and that the game actually ends in just 5 more very short days. And even though I am now literally in the closing hours of this entire game, and I am not at all a serious threat to be evicted, and that everyone seems to sincerely enjoy my being in the house, and that I could conceivably make the Final 2 and just stumble my way into a $250,000 victory thru a bitter jury vote, I choose to invoke the #BreastmilkDepletion card of Celebrity BB and ask that you vote me out. Brandi’s speech (to everyone’s awkward “Is This Really Happening?” laughter): I just wanna say thank you, Metta, for wanting to go home. That sound you hear is Shannon Elizabeth destroying EVERY SINGLE OBJECT IN HER HOME, cursing the BB gods that this exact same scene couldn’t have happened 2 days ago when she got screwed by Ross & Marissa’s backstabbing overreach. And so we now watch all of this season’s Celebrity Kumbaya BB voters enter the DR and chose to “evict” Metta. And with that, BB fans (who have enjoyed what has been an otherwise sincerely enjoyable BB season) must shrug and look the other way as the suspense of another live Monday POV/Eviction episode gets completely undermined by an HG simply asking to leave. The Chenterview is predictable, as Julie isn’t surprised by this result, and on some level may be relived for him. Metta and his BFF Orwell have a seat, and Julie notes that he is crying. Metta says that he’s emotional because he’s made a bond with all of them and they are truly his brothers & sisters. He said he learned how much he missed his family and can’t wait to see his kids, their mothers, and his fiancé Maya. As the episode ends, Julie says that we’ll have a double eviction on Friday night, and (for some reason??) a whopping 5 HG’s on CBB finale night on Sunday (seriously, after 2 borderline self-eviction episodes, CBS couldn’t have given us some bonus suspense by historically doing two double-evictions this week and get us to 3 people for Finale Sunday??). And as long as we’re brainstorming BB ideas, it seems that shorter seasons, with more frequent evictions, has been a successful experiment. Add to this the fact that some of these recent 90+ day seasons have had a bit too much filler/boring stretches, I’m wondering if CBS could simply do 2 shorter seasons of BB in a calendar year, with each season being 6 weeks long (maybe 1 regular season, and 1 “celebrity” season). The gameplay would have higher stakes, and doing 2 evictions per week every season could be fun. One of these days, when BB fans run the world…. But before the Friday night double-eviction, and the Sunday finale of CBB, we will all get the treat of @jennknee's gift of snark for the Wednesday HOH & nomination episode! It’s been a tough winter BB season for Jennknee as she has been in a ride-or-die alliance with the CBB competition known as the Olympics, but in that spirit, I’m sure she will go full-on “I, Tonya” with her snark levels on these remaining 7 HG’s (since we will not be getting Zingbot for CBB, we will depend on you, Jennknee!). Thanks for reading, y’all! Enjoy the Wednesday episode ahead.
  10. The Chenbot and her see-through blue frock greet us (settle down, Julie Chen! Seriously, did no one test her wardrobe under stagelights?!), and what seems to be a very curious outfit for the show, ends up perfectly fitting with the entire vibe of tonight’s very curious episode – it’s Crazy Town, y’all, truly an episode unlike any episode we have ever seen before. Strap in, readers, tonight’s episode was a wild ride. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh off some quick Google searching about the science of Asthma (cough) ailments, and the actually twitter-trending #BreastmilkDepletion, kicks things off with some memories of days gone by: The Alliance of 7 had their targets on James Omarosa & Keisha’s overplaying control stressed everyone out, and Shannon led the movement to flip the table on the BGM alliance during the live eviction, and saved James When Omarosa passive-aggressively rages at Shannon’s selling out their alliance, Shannon comes clean to her crew and says that she had an alliance with Omarosa since Day 1 (and the crew becomes more unnerved & aware that Shannon has been playing the game very hard from the start) Bowlerina HOH is played, Omarosa gets *cough* hospitalized, and Ross wins HOH Ross DR’s that he needs to target Omarosa & Keisha for nom’s since he has just blown up the alliance, but with Omarosa *cough* hospitalized, he wonders if his houseflip-partner Shannon might be a strategic blindside replacement for the hospitalized *cough* Omarosa Ross gets an HOH card announcing that Omarosa is *cough* hospitalized, but will return before nominations Ross nom’s the BGM alliance, but teases that Shannon could go up as a nom after POV TONIGHT, will Ross & Marissa lead the house in a theatrical backdoor singalong of Bye Bye Miss American Pie? Or will the plan to backdoor Shannon go up in flames because Metta hasn’t yet 1) learned how to properly transact a live eviction vote, or 2) actually learned what a backdoor vote means? And speaking of Metta, will his two pink flamingos challenge Paul & Pablo to a fight to the death this summer on BB20? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! The post credits camera shot does its standard cut to Julie, and she does her standard #ButFirst topic pivot, but before doing so, she does an hysterical fake *cough* to the studio audience’s & America’s great delight, and BB Nation is now HYPED because the Julie on stage tonight is not the stiff Chenbot, but is the take-no-prisoners ShadeBot! All y’all BB fans who are even thinking about faking an asthma attack or actively lactating past one year are officially on notice. Julie and her Shade are not here for your apparent mess. Not tonight. We now zip into the house on Day 11 as Ross wraps up the nomination ceremony. Shannon DR’s that she was expecting all hell to break loose after the noms, but Omarosa appears to be surprisingly calm for now, and so she will wait and see what unfolds. We next see Omarosa talking to Ross (the sitting-HOH who just nominated her 5 minutes ago, and who also straight-up blindsided her one day ago) on the sofa, and she calmly discussed all of the insights and perspective that the hospital visit gave her. She now knows “there are more important things in the world than playing in a game”, and that BB is “really really fun and a great opportunity to meet people”. Ross DR’s that he was waiting for the Wrath of Omarosa (“KHAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!”) to explode all over the house, but now he doesn’t know what to think. We in America join you in this confusion, Ross. The CBS production earpiece that’s undoubtedly lodged in Omarosa’s ear right now is calmly zen’ing her out, and maybe just maybe the CBS viral casting coup of Omarosa can survive the danger of this eviction night without another contrived Stand On A Safety Star rigging twist?? So prays the CBS network. We now zip into the speakeasy parlor, where the meeting of the Indoor Sunglasses Club is coming to order, and lifelong club members Ari & Brandi are deep into tonight’s meeting agenda. It seems that these ladies don’t feel that Ross’s strategy to get rid of either Omarosa or Keisha makes any sense, and feel that targeting Shannon is the better play. They feel that Shannon (and perhaps her newfound alliance partner James) are the two best competitors in the house, and feel that keeping Keisha & Omar-Asthma *cough* in the game, while at times difficult/annoying, is less of a competition risk for them because she’s now so incredibly unhealthy (cough). But they are frustrated that Ross (up to this point) is scared to pull the trigger on the Backdoor Shannon plan (because – hello ladies, wake up! – Ross is overextended, and has one of his F4 deals with Shannon, James, and Marissa, but hey, details…). Brandi DR: It’s so obvious that Shannon and James are working together and completely codependent at this point! And on top of it, Miss Coconut Oil Head is going coo-coo with overplaying. We need to get her out Period. Exclamation. Period. Exclamation. With an Emoji at the end. You know like a wine emoji. Because I have a drinking problem. And after the emoji, maybe some bars of morse code, you know, because we gotta support the troops. And maybe some huge sign language motions, like they do on the news when a hurricane is going to hit. And then maybe ….wait, have I mentioned I have a drinking problem? Ari DR: Now that we know that Omarosa has *cough* asthma problems, we realize that she is the weakest competitor in the house (<--- she seriously said this), so we definitely have to break the power duo that is Shannon and James. And so it begins… Brandi now heads to HOH room, and lays out the case to Ross that James & Shannon are their biggest threats, and then she further waters the seed of backdooring Shannon. She tells Ross that their alliance (and since Ross is so overextended, let me clarify that the alliance she is referring to is Marissa, Ari, Brandi, and Ross) is super solid (ummmm, cough), and that if they bring Keisha in with them, then they have the votes that are needed to make the unnecessarily Big Move to evict Shannon right now*. *Unnecessary IMHO, because Shannon is not targeting any of you right now, she’s actually working with you and can win lots of comps; it’s only the 2nd eviction and there are still 9 other people you still need to get thru; even if your enemies win HOH, Shannon will be an obvious meat-shield for you thru the next 3+ evictions, which provides you a layer of target insulation and also gets someone else’s hands bloody to evict your current alliance-mate & friend named Shannon; YES, Shannon is a better comp player than you all, but you can still use that to your benefit right now, there’s no urgency to evict her ASAP when you have both Omarosa & Keisha to legitimately deal with after you flipped the house on them. But sure, if you want to give in to mission creep & group think (a Big Brother tradition!), have a nice rest of the episode. #BB3Roddy’sLogicRantOver Ross states that he’d be open to the Backdoor Shannon plan, esp if one of them wins POV and pulls Keisha off the block. So now, Ross tells Brandi he has to talk it through with Marissa. Ross & Marissa have a late-night meet up in HOH, and after a seemingly overstated & dramatic assessment of the hyper-urgency of getting Shannon out ASAP (ahhhh, theather kids, they’re so adorable…), they seem ready to rise to the surprise backdoor backstab of Shannon. And then on the HOH TV monitor, they notice that the Mistress of Game, Shannon Elizabeth herself, is now down in the kitchen cleaning the dishes and counter tops! The nerve of such BB houseguest activity!! It’s like Shannon’s mega-hardcore gameplay does not have an OFF switch!!! Says Marissa to Ross, upon observing Shannon doing the high crime of cleaning the BB kitchen by herself, for the seeming good of the entire house: Ross, she CAN’T STOP. She CAN’T STOP! She’s playing such a hard game! I mean, every season of BB has a swarm of ants that depend on a filthy kitchen in order to allow their colony to survive! And Shannon is just so determined to dominate every aspect of this game, that she is willing to destroy the kitchen ants chance at happiness! What an unstoppably competitive MONSTER!! Marissa then DR’s: When I first moved into the house, I loved seeing a familiar face of someone I knew in Shannon. And I really thought we’d make it to the end together. Anddddddddd, I can’t believe I am actually saying this, but – I wanna backdoor Shannon! I mean, she’s playing SO HARD which is so dangerous!! Exhibit A: Have you SEEN her clean up the kitchen?!! Sure, this could be viewed as an act of kindness from one roommate to another, and Yes, we are a house of slobs and the kitchen probably needed to be cleaned up, but ONLY A MONSTER WITH NO REGARD FOR OTHERS would play the game of BB so hard that they would clean a common living space without telling anyone! Back from commercial, and Julie intros that the next segment is about Trump. Fasten your seatbelts, y’all, it’s time for Les Moonves & Julie Chen to roll out some viral media content! (And within hours of tonight’s broadcast, USA Today, CNN, Newsweek, Fox News, and many more news sites have covered this segment of CBB! #Les&JulieHighFive) So we’re all gathered around the living room, and Omarosa starts talking about the government shutdown, and the political implications for the Democrats. This pivots to a conversation about DACA, and how DACA became a bartering chip because Trump wanted his wall. We now get a quick DR from Ross, which articulates what CBS corporate is hoping for: that every time Omarosa opens her mouth there could be a Breaking News chyron thrown on the screen, because girl is definitely ready to spill some presidential tea, mysterious Non-Disclosure Agreement and Muller Investigation be damned! Back to the living room, and we’re now swimming in gallons of spilt presidential tea, this time about how Trump administration (according to Omarosa) is using the DACA registry to locate immigrants for deportation. Marissa asks if everything will eventually be OK, and Omarosa zings back that she is asked that question all the time and that she always has the same answer – that everything will NOT be OK, because (says Omarosa), “I’ve seen the plan, and the ‘roundup plan’ is getting more and more aggressive.” A quick DR from Mark now rolls (which is I’m sure CBS’s effort to calm the anti-Trump perception and provide some moderating cover for the CBS network), where Mark reminds everyone that Omarosa “is a world-class reality show TV villain”, and she tends to make everything about her, and no one can know for sure if what she is saying “is actually true, or is it game, or is it her story, or is it the real story?” Omarosa is still looking to dole out some sizzling White House hot-takes, and now comes in with the “Can I just say this? As bad as y’all think Trump is…(long pause, time for our asthmatic friends to get a beverage and sooth your *cough*)…you should be worried about Pence. So everybody who’s wishing for impeachment may want to reconsider their life. We would be begging for the days of Trump if Pence became president, that’s all I’m saying. He is EXTREMEEEEEEE. I’m Christian, and I love Jesus…but he thinks Jesus tells him to say things, and I’m like ‘Jesus didn’t say that!’ It’s scary.” Sooooooooo, yeah…. happy Olympics Week, America!!!! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Moving on… Ross now moves to the bedroom to talk to Mr. Mark “I’ll Agree With Whomever Is In Front Of Me” McGrath to whip up the votes for the Backdooring of Miss American Pie. Predictably, Mark is 100% down for the backdoor (surprise, surprise!! Seriously, Mark, you’re a sincerely nice guy, but up to this point you are sooooooooo lucky you have other people in the house doing all the thinking). Mark DR’s that he knows he’s a floater, and he’s all about someone else’s brilliant plan to get their own hands bloody. #FloaterCard But I shouldn’t mock him too much, because with his easygoing likability and lack of Alpha ego (which allows him to just chill & float around the house with a smile, and not be on anyone’s radar), Sugar Ray may just float his way to $250k in two short weeks. Ross, Marissa, and Mark continue talking and realize (that with Ari & Brandi) they have the votes needed to backdoor Shannon. Mark is so agreeably happy with this swirl of teamwork, that he happily volunteers to go and tell James, and Ross & Marissa nearly spin their heads off their bodies trying to stop Mark’s agreeable helpfulness, and shush him into keeping it a secret from Shannon’s friend Jason. (NOTE: another kind of player besides Mark might pick up on how mysterious it is that his good buddy James apparently has to be “surprised” by the backdoor news, but Mark channels his inner-McConaughey, mellows out into an agreeable “hey, just let me know when you want me to tell anyone” vibe, and floats on down the BB river. Seriously, the dude may just win the whole thing when it’s all over.) Next, we have some quality hot tub time with Metta. Metta is a curious cat – at one moment, exceedingly thoughtful and sensitive, at another moment stomping into/out of the DR in a Hulk Smash/Godzilla In Tokyo manner when it’s time to cast a live eviction vote, and at other moments wearing Bailey Gambill-approved Panda logos and cuddling Orwell the POP TV owl in the kitchen. But Metta in water is next-level Metta. There’s a charm, a joyfully curious innocence, to what is emoted by the former NBA “villain”. So everyone in the house is asleep, Metta is awake, and decides to contemplate life’s mysteries in the hot tub. Natch. The BB camera follows him into the tub, and Metta starts to express his thoughts in apparent solitude. But noticing the camera, Metta decides to engage the mounted media device, and to try and make a new friend. Metta: I feel like I’m talking to myself. Can you hear this, camera? Just nod. Mounted Camera nods up and down in acknowledgement, BLOWING METTA’s MIND! Metta: WHOAAAAA! The camera nodded. When you get a camera in this house to nod, it’s like seeing Barack Obama. (SOOOOOOOO much presidential politics in tonight’s show, settle down, BB.) Metta, with his inflatable flamingo “ducks”, to the camera: Y’all wanna see a fight? I was the key player involved in the 2004 Malice in the Palace arena brawl, so believe me when I say Metta World Peace knows about fighting. Mounted Camera nods up and down in affirming acknowledgement. Metta: WHOAAAAA, I got another Yes!!! (said as he sincerely waves his arms/feet in splashy childlike delight) BB production now joins the fun with rocking fight music, and a Round 1 title card, as Metta animates the flamingo “ducks” into a back/forth water fight. In Round 2, the right hand flamingo “duck” wins and get placed as a crown on Metta’s head, while the left hand flamingo “duck” gets tossed into oblivion. Metta to the winning inflatable: You’re the winner! And I’ll make sure nobody ever eats you. (Oh wow, that went dark real quick.) Jewish philosopher Abraham Heschel once said, “Never once in my life did I ask God for success or wisdom or power or fame. I asked for Wonder, and he gave it to me.” Cheers to Metta’s childlike wonder, esp in tonight’s Crazy Town episode of BB. Time for a chat in HOH, as Ross/Brandi/Ari/Marissa gather for one final Backdoor Shannon meeting. Ross is definitely having second thought reflections (“she’s wearing her Animal Avengers hat, what about the animals she’s trying to save?!”). And as this final strategy session is going on, Shannon comes upstairs to say hello! Panicked Ross thinks quickly (or thinks badly) and decides to simply turn off the lights and pretend they are all sleeping (Ross clearly subscribes to the “you can’t see me!” game people play with babies, assuming if they all cover themselves in darkness, that Shannon will become blind. #NotAGreatPlan) Perhaps more confused by the sound of conversation that suddenly went silent behind the door, Shannon leaves and goes downstairs to bed. And with that, the Backdoor Shannon plan seems to be fully in place. They have more than enough people promising to vote her out, and the BB cliché of Group Think has successfully taken over the previously thoughtful approach to the game that many (at least Ross) had been employing until now. Was Shannon an immediate threat to go after any of them in the next few evictions? – No. Was Shannon demonstrating any disloyalty to the core group in the immediate future? – No. After jointly engineering the house vote flip 3 short days ago with Ross, was Shannon planning to be disloyal to Ross anytime soon? -- No But hey, it’s winter sickness season throughout the country, and Ross has perhaps picked up a touch of the 24 hour flu HOH-itis, but being around others who love themselves some group-think mission creep, is probably not the right prescription for our HOH patient. So I guess we’ll have to let the HOH’itis run its course and hope for the best. Off to the live POV comp, we go. Ross/Omarosa/Keisha are joined in POV by Ari/Marissa/Shannon (ooooooh, Shannon, this is – unbeknownst to you – your only shot! Better win this comp, American Pie, or the super-secret backdoor blindside on live TV awaits!). The comp is a cruise ship theme, called “Now You Sea It”, and HG’s will be asked questions about pictures, and will have to answer if an item in the picture is seen More/Exactly/Less than the number Julie states in the question. It’s an eliminator-style comp, where two HG’s face off at a time, and the last one standing wins the POV. Round 1 – Keisha eliminates Ross Round 2 – Omarosa eliminates Shannon (NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Backdoor Shannon plan is now free to predictably unfold, just as the BB story editors have crafted for us tonight) Round 3 – Marissa eliminates Ari Round 4 – Omarosa eliminates Keisha Round 5 – Final Round – Marissa eliminates Omarosa and WINS POV The requisite celebration follows, Marissa hugs people, Julie tells everyone to head inside, and then tells us we’ll be right back after commercial. Production cues up the music to lead us into commercial for the standard 3-4 seconds of eavesdropping before the show cuts to black. It’s all pretty perfunctory transition, we’ve seen it a million times, no big deal… Unless, suddenly everything we once knew to be true dissolved into nothingness…. Unless, the nihilistic spirit of (likely BB Superfan!) Friedrich Nietzsche suddenly infused the air surrounding the set of tonight’s POV comp… Unless, the biblical passage of Ecclesiastes 12:8 was actually a Celebrity Big Brother Old Testament prophecy in the verse “Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!”… Unless, for the first time in BB history, the term #BreastmilkDepletion is meant to become a trending topic on USA twitter this very night… So viewers, if you’re not ready for KISS’s rock anthem “All Hell’s Breakin’ Loose” to be the soundtrack for the remainder of tonight’s show, avert your eyes from the final 24 minutes of tonight’s CBB. Because this way lies madness. America innocently watches as Julie throws it to commercial, but as the standard BB outro music builds to crescendo toward commercial, we see POV winner Marissa having an animated listening session with (apparent single mother of a 12+ month old child, who knew??) Keisha. More HG’s join the conversation, Keisha keeps saying “Do you promise, do you promise? You have no clue what I am going through!”, and all of us viewers are realizing that we probablyyyyyyyyyy missed a story point or two twelve thousand prior to the comp. Keisha: I will do it, but I SWEAR TO GOD if you do not…(and she breaks down crying) Ari then comes in for a hug, and production joyfully decides to commit to this surreally confusing/ seemingly out of absolutely nowhere moment by actually dialing DOWN the outro music to a low background noise, and America realizes that suddenly we will not be going to commercial because we are all flying without a safety net into this spontaneous house meeting. Keisha mumble-cries some more, Omarosa comes back to collect her in support, Ross & Marissa try to reassure the gathering, and CBS finally has to throw it to commercial and bow before McDonald’s promotion of the Egg McMuffin. What. Is. Happening???!!! Back from commercial, we join the living room to hear Marissa start the POV ceremony. For over 40 minutes we’ve been painstakingly steeped in the tedium of every nuanced layer of this bonkers Backdoor Shannon plan, and here, now, FINALLY will be the moment when this ridiculously urgent plan gets kickstarted into blindsiding motion. Marissa: I have decided…NOT to use the Power of Veto (cue audibly loud & thoroughly confused gasp from studio audience) Julie long pauses, then looks to America and says that either Omarosa or Keisha will be going home after commercial. What. Is. Happening??!! Back from commercial, and it’s time for what might be the most unexpectedly crazy set of eviction speeches in BB history. Keisha’s speech: Normally this is a plea to stay but – I’ve fought very hard in this game, and I really wanted to compete and be here with you all, but the truth of the matter is that my breastmilk has continued to deplete since I’ve been here and there’s nothing more important than my baby. So, I apologize, but please use every ounce of compassion that you have to send me home. Also, to James (paraphrased) Shannon Elizabeth is trash. (What.Is. Happening???!) Omarosa’s speech: No man is your friend, no man is your foe, every man is your teacher, and you all have taught me so much. Please make the decision that’s best for…Keisha (cue audible nervous laughter & confusion from studio audience). What. Is. Happening???! Time to vote! Everyone enters the DR, and (even Metta, for the most part) successfully transacts their vote, and unanimously votes Keisha out. In keeping with the entirety of this insane hour of television (Review: Julie’s mocking cough to start the show, all of the machinations of the now-failed Backdoor Shannon plan, the Trump/Pence/DACA/America Is A Mess segment, Metta’s joy with his “ducks”, the crazy POV fallout, and first-ever mention of #BreastmilkDepletion as a part of eviction speeches) the Chenterview continues the curious vibes. Julie acknowledges that her speech was “a very emotional plea, which couldn’t have been easy”, and Keisha goes all in on how “$250,000 is not worth my baby”. A more-than-slightly quizzical Julie/ShadeBot then asks “isn’t she a year plus now?” which triggers a bunch of social media posts among BB fans/alums about when a child is typically weaned off of breast milk (and then had BB alum Rachel Reilly proudly proclaiming on twitter that her kid is 2 years old and still breastfeeding! #SoThere’sThat). Julie then asks about her relationship with Omarosa, and Keisha concedes that she thought she wouldn’t like Omarosa, but knows that they have a sincere bond. And with that, this unexpectedly crazy hour of CBB wraps up. So Keisha essential self-evicts (which has also triggered a lot of reaction). The implications of this Keisha vote (as opposed to a true self-eviction, at any other moment this week) are not necessarily small. In the opinion of some, Keisha made a commitment for 3 weeks to this show, and she should have thought through everything before saying Yes to joining the cast. And on another level, if Keisha concluded she needed to leave the game, she always had 100% agency to simply self-evict, and could have let everyone actually go through with the Backdoor Shannon plan (which will now be incredibly complicated/awkward as the entire house except for Shannon & James were in on the plan, and this news will definitely be found out by everyone very soon). But now, to CBS’s glorious riches, the network somehow managed to miraculously end this eviction night with BOTH Omarosa & Shannon still in the house, Keisha self-evicting out of nowhere, and some very high-stakes HOH & POV comps (and all the drama) now before us. Tune in Wednesday night for the Keisha eviction fallout, for the Backdoor Shannon plans being exposed, for the new HOH comp, and more of Metta’s innocent wonder in our complicated world.
  11. It’s time for the first live eviction of Celebrity BB, y’all! The CBB season has been off to a pretty enjoyable start so far, with these “celebs” actually playing the game right from the jump, which is so great to see after so many summer-campers in recent BB seasons. Our Lady Chenbot greets us on stage in her slimming Friday Night Black Dress (a nice change from her Helen Roper muumuu/bathrobe mess from last night) but perhaps this black dress is being worn to mourn the death of yet another “this time, it’s different!” Female Alliance which is also simultaneously a “this time, it’s different!” More Than Half The House Mega-Alliance – two historically awful Week 1 alliance structures in one does not bode well, people. #BBHistoryFacts But we viewers enjoy watching alliances collapse in an avalanche of self-righteous indignation, overconfident “I’m in power now, so this must mean I’ll be in power forever” arrogance, mission creep, and petty in-fighting, so in the spirit of the opening ceremonies of the PyeongChang Winter Olympics, let the games begin! Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh off the Julie Chen & Les Moonves high of seeing Celebrity BB being discussed from the podium of the White House Briefing Room this week, chimes in with some Previous’lies: Eleven “famous” people move into the newly glammed BB house (and we all note that Ari is the first one to set foot in the BB house, telling us that since no previous first-one-in houseguest in 25 combined seasons of BB USA & BB Canada has EVER ended up winning the game, we can all confidently know that Almost-Miss Universe will once again not win on a televised competition show) Shannon & Omarosa start a Day 1 Female Alliance! (Doh. RIP El Quatro & SpyGirls. #NeverForget) Shannon impressively wins HOH, but Julie introduces the gift-bagged Re-casting Twist, and American Pie’s jaw drops to the floor Shannon recruits Ross into the Female Alliance, and smartly plays the remaining 4 guys into a false sense of security But Chuck initiates the gift bag twist, prompting the ladies & Ross to get into formation, and little Rudy Huxtable re-casts to become the new HOH and nom’s James & Chuck But (obviously inevitable) cracks in the 7 person Female + Ross alliance begin to form, and the overwhelmingly inevitable showdown between Omarosa & other women seems imminent TONIGHT, “the opening ceremonies of Celebrity Big Brother continue” (Olympic-obsessed @jennknee is clearly writing Narrator Dude’s script this evening), and America wonders: Will the POV save either member of the Celebrators Alliance? Will Baby Jason get a date with Baby Ari? Will anyone in the female alliance acknowledge Ross is actually seated in the room with them? Will Metta learn how to properly enter and exit the DR during a live vote? And will the White House have to address Brandi wearing Omarosa’s clear-heels from the podium of the daily press briefings next week? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For a brilliantly on-point summary of these many plots from the CBB start, make sure to check out @dc20willsave's fantastic musings from the premiere!) We join the proceedings on Day 5 right after Keisha’s nom ceremony, and James & Chuck DR that they are frustrated to be nom’d but will fight for POV, huzzah! Keisha DR’s that she nom’d them both, but that James is her 100% target (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #1, y’all!). Brandi seems to want to compete for the “Vanessa Russo I’m An Un-Self Aware Pot/Kettle” Award with her DR that matter of factly states that James’s ego is too big for the house and he needs to go, so there's that. Up in HOH, all the ladies celebrate with confident glee at how perfectly everything is going (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #2), and they all agree that boy band James is the most awful person in the entire history of the first 5 days of Celebrity BB, and thusly needs to go. Omarosa DR: The women have total control of this game. Now we just have to execute our plan to take each of the guys out one by one. These boys should be very very worried. (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #3) And sure, I’m full of unearned bravado and have actually never won anything in my life before, but in the spirit of Vanessa Russo, I am an expert in sanctimoniously blaming everyone else for my deficiencies, and on this bedrock strategy I will build my CBB empire. Shannon in HOH: This Week 1 shared HOH is going to be totally successful. (we’re 11 minutes into a two hour broadcast, and are now at BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #4…this doesn’t bode well of the Female Alliance + Ross, methinks) We now zip out to the BB house spacious backyard astroturf narrow corridor for a meeting of the minds between Mark McGrath & nominee James. McGrath wonders where Chuck is, and imagines him in a “Vengeance Is Mine!!!” Beastmode session up in the gym (he is not, as BB shows us that he is #Beastmode snoring in bed, because hello, this is the Big Brother house). Conversation then turns to Mark & James working together (RIP #Celebrators alliance, you had a nice 2 day run!), and Mark says if he wins POV, that he would use it on James. Omarosa and her oddly curious pink onesie roll into the speakeasy parlor and join Rudy Huxtable. It’s seems alleged BB superfan Omarosa realizes that a Day 1 alliance with over half the house never ends well, and she wants to start the Black Girl Magic side-alliance with Keisha. Keisha seems down for it, but instead of simply accepting Keisha’s agreement and talking about next steps, our political veteran Omarosa fast forwards to the end of the game when their BGM alliance will apparently make history by being the Final 2. Uhhhh, OK, thanks! I guess we should all just stop the game now, and turn CBS’s Olympic counter-programming over to the Two Broke Girls. But since we're already here, we may as well play out the next 1:45 minutes of tonight's show and see what happens. Or said another way... “Girl. Settle down. Slow your roll. Playing too big, too quickly, from the start of the season will only come back to bite you.” –BB16 Devin, likely screaming at his television Keisha ponders if the rest of the house assumes that they’d be able to pit Keisha & Omarosa against each other, and Omarosa replies with a bluntly confident “Never.”, and the BB story editors are having a field day with ironic foreshadowing moment #5. It’s time to pick players for POV, and Keisha/Jason/Chuck are joined by Shannon/Ari/Mark for the comp. After names are picked, Keisha pulls Mark aside and asks what he would do if he wins POV. Now Mark seems like a sincerely nice guy, a dude that wants to shoot straight with people and not be shady. That said, he needs to learn how to not lay every single thought he has on any table put before him – read the moment, Sugar Ray! Learn to parse your words & motives a bit. You’re talking way too openly to anyone who asks you a question. Keisha hears him say “I’d probably use POV on Jason”, and in an anger that could only have been equaled if Theo & Cockroach had stolen her allowance money, she DR's that Mark seems shady to her now and that she’d have no problem blowing up his game. Keisha then fakes a workout in the gym with Chuck to let him know that he doesn’t have support among the other guys and he needs to “fight like hell to win the POV” because she wants him to stay in the house. We’re back from commercial and Julie “Hello, Houseguests!” to the houseguests and decides to let them all in on current event headlines (because being “shut off from the outside world” was soooooooooo BB1-BB19). The HG’s seem happy hearing about the Grammys, NBA trades, Kylie Jenner’s birth canal, government shutdowns, and the Eagles upset win in the Super Bowl. Back from the next commercial block, and it’s time for the Veto comp! We zip into the back yard where the “spa” comp of giant noses await them (and Ross Matthews channels his inner-Tiffany Jacob Pun Queen, by musing “it’s a spa with noses, but who nose what’s going on? I have so many nose jokes, it’s hard to aaah-choose which ones to say”). It’s the annual spelling comp, where they have to search thru the snot of the noses to find letter tiles and then the one who spells the longest word wins the comp (while the person who finishes last will have a penalty costume to wear). Lots of stock footage of HG’s slogging thru the grossness unfolds before us, while all of America wonders if native-Colombian Ari is actually at an understandable spelling disadvantage since English is not her native language. Her word ends up being “W-A-I-N-G” (an attempt to spell “warning”), as lots of HG’s politely smile and DR joke that it’s a good thing she’s so sweet and pretty. While I’m sure CBS legal is 1000% joyfully consumed with the Mueller Investigation and eagerly awaiting the moment that Omarosa gets subpoenaed as a direct result of something said on the live feeds, Ari’s lawyers should probably at least make a phone call to try and get a do-over comp having HG's spell words in either English or Spanish. More HG words are revealed, and the comp beast named Shannon Elizabeth spells a BB record 16-lettered word “responsibilities” (Wow. Seriously. The word box had no more room, she used all the spaces!) and wins her 2nd comp in 4 days. Ari (excuse: she doesn’t speak English as her first language), and James (excuse: he’s just an idiot) tie for last place and will have to wear a baby costume & bottle for the next 2 days. Back from commercial, and Julie coyly teases, “Who would have ever believed that an alliance formed on Day 1 would begin to unravel?” Ok, y’all, fasten your seatbelts for more of the awful spirit of Vanessa Russo to work its magic into CBB gameplay collapse. Up in HOH the ladies + Ross celebrate that they won POV and control everything. Keisha, who had been playing a relatively smart/strong/thoughtful game up to this point, suddenly decides that she wants Shannon to use the POV to pull Chuck down (what?), and then put Mark up as replacement “to send him a message” that the women notice his maleness strategizing in a house (huh?), only to then still vote James out. Ross (understandably) explains that a plan to get-blood-on-our-hands-for-the-sake-of-blood-on-our-hands makes absolutely no sense, if James is still the one being voted out. Their alliance has the block of votes that it needs to execute the James objective, done and done. So why should they risk making more of a mess, just because they feel so comfortable this week? Omarosa seems a bit sketched out by Ross’s (admittedly, rational) challenging of Keisha’s proposal, which definitely adds a bit of unexpected Vanessa-like tension to the room. But then Shannon enters the HOH room, and the dial gets turned to 11… Shannon starts to talk about possible plans/usage of the POV, and in doing so, frames the implications in terms of the guys being mad at her. Omarosa, the model of absolute personal sacrifice and altruistically selfless behavior, perks up and stares Shannon down with, “I’m just going to say this because I love you, but you’re talking ME ME ME ME, and there’s an alliance here, and I don’t think you are listening to the group.” Omarosa’s sanctimonious DR: Shannon keeps saying ME ME ME, what’s best for “MY” game, but the more I see Shannon focusing on just her game and getting herself further in this game, THAT’S not really good for MY long term, and I always have to look out for ME. I mean, sure, to the objective listener this could sound like incredibly self-absorbed doublespeak, like I’m a White House-credentialed Vanessa Russo overdosing on sanctimony pills, but I assure you, I’m the most selfless person you will ever meet. Back to HOH, Shannon apologizes to the entire room and concedes that her use of terminology was not appropriately acknowledging of their alliance. Keisha then states that “We always said we wanted to stick together as women…”, as the camera hysterically cuts to a quizzical look from non-woman Ross (but Omarosa decides to let that non-inclusive terminology slip by Keisha slide). But Keisha continues in the Woman Power speech (sorry, Ross!) by saying, “Let’s not lose sight of what we look to accomplish. We have our children looking at us, we have other little girls aspiring to be where we are looking at us, so let’s just let the best woman win.” Ross hysterically DR’s: HELLO!!! I’m over here! May the best woman win??! Back in HOH room, Shannon again apologizes to the group and publically states that she is with them and she is sorry. The toxic spirit of Vanessa Russo then infects Shannon, and she starts to cry out of absolutely nowhere, leading most of the women to immediately get up and hug her in affirming support, while Ross Mathews hysterically plays the role of America and watches in utter confusion as to why everyone in the alliance is suddenly crying. Ross DR: I want to hug her. I want to hug her so hard. But I also want to say GIRLLLLLLLLLL, PULL IT TOGETHER!!!! That sound you hear is a construction crew building a monument to Ross Mathews next to his star on the Palm Springs Walk of Fame. He speaks for us all. We now join Ross and Marissa in the astroturf hallway backyard, and Ross acknowledges that he does not trust his alliance at all and knows he is being used by the women, not valued by them. He shares with Marissa that sitting in a room and being discounted like that is something that happens to him all the time throughout his life, and Marissa suddenly feels badly about not speaking up during the meeting. Marissa DR’s that she understands when they say “A woman to the end” in his presence that they are marginalizing him, and that she wants the CBB house to model an inclusively acknowledging community, and she feels shocked/saddened that they are not doing so. Ross shares with her that he will smile it away for the next few evictions, but that they “will know when the time comes to do what we need to do.” Dun, dun, duhhhhhhhhhhh… Back from commercial, and it’s time for Ari & James to get their baby costumes. They have to wear the costumes for 2 days and suck on their bottle whenever BB plays the crying baby sound. James also tries to use this moment to suggest a baby showmance with Ari, and all of America throws up their Friday night dinner before Ari thankful shoots him down. Over in the kitchen, Ross pulls Shannon aside and helps her see that using her POV power will only create more of a target on her back. Shannon says that she wants to do what HOH Keisha wants, but she is starting to see how the use of POV to save Chuck and attempt to “scare” Mark has little upside to either her own game, or the alliance objective to get Jason out (esp since the ladies + Ross voting block alone determines who gets evicted). The Ross & Shannon meeting ends with Shannon wanting to have one last meeting with Keisha to clarify that they don’t need to curiously save Chuck right now and make a bigger mess in order to vote James out. So we move to the bedroom where Shannon makes the case to Keisha (and Omarosa) to simply walk a straight line to get James out without the extra Veto activity. Keisha passive-aggressively concedes the point to Shannon, while self-righteously DR’ing that she’s annoyed that Shannon will not follow thru with the alliance’s wishes (well, it wasn’t exactly the full alliance’s wishes, just largely Omarosa & Keisha’s wishes, but like most people in BB and in life, when you are filled with an arrogant confidence of being bulletproof with temporary power, you aren’t much interested in factual details). Shannon DR’s that she does not know what’s going on in an allegedly solid alliance when you can’t even express your opinion as the POV holder without being attacked, and Brandi animates in the DR that she is wearing Omarosa’s clear heels as her own clear heels, revealing this alliance is breaking off into such an obvious scientifically-certified entropy that even “scientist” & Vegas cocktail girl Rachel Reilly could identify it. Omarosa then voices to Shannon and the ladies that “if we don’t make big moves early, we may not get a chance to later…this is a chess game” (as BB story editor ironic foreshadowing moment #5648 stands up and says hello in tonight’s episode -- #PendingBlindside). Back from commercial and we visit the backyard where Omarosa & Shannon meet alone to discuss the state of play. Shannon explains that the keep-nom’s-the-same plan was presented to her by someone in the alliance. Omarosa, after first asking if this plan was presented by the same dignified lady that stole her clear heels, tries to pump Shannon up by saying that no one knows BB better than the 2 of them, and “shock and awe’ing” Mark is the best thing to do (actually, it’s not, but thanks for your histrionics, Omarosa). Omarosa then shares with Shannon that Keisha has already talked to Chuck, and this definitely stresses Shannon out, after the whole I/Me/I/Me Vanessa-like righteousness in the HOH room. Shannon shares that Keisha talking to Chuck without first telling the group seems very I/Me-like in behavior, and that this is no bueno. The spirit of Vanessa Russo once again descends into the CBB House (production really should have exorcised the place of Vanessa’s evil by now), and Shannon starts to break down crying again. She literally buries herself in her blanket of tears (oh no, it’s the spirit of Audrey!), and Omarosa DR’s that Shannon is becoming “completely unhinged” (which is super fun coming from a woman who was allegedly led out of the White House by security on the day she was fired), and she wonders if Shannon is stable enough to be in an alliance with her. This is all just so rich. People who lack any self-awareness are just the absolute best. POV Ceremony time, and Shannon decides to not rock the boat unnecessarily, and keeps the nom’s the same, guaranteeing that the ill-named Celebrators alliance will not survive CBB. As if her circa 1986 playtime TV friend Bud took all of her cookies, Rudy Huxtable is not happy. Back from commercial, Julie visits with BB winners, Ian, Derick, Nicole, and Josh. Lawman Derick loves that Omarosa apparently did not sign a nondisclosure agreement when she left/was removed (details!) from the White House, and loves that they are all playing BB so hard right from the start. Josh thinks if he were in the house, he’d be going crazy like Metta, and also loves how much gameplay there’s been in just 3 episodes. Nicole rather astutely shares that Shannon is unnecessarily playing too boldly (winning multiple comps, and spelling a record 16-letter word when a 10-letter word likely would have been sufficient for a POV comp which she in no way needed to win). Ian and Derrick share that a bloated alliance is not ideal, especially if you are seen as the leader of the alliance where you become the most visible target for others to go after. Rooting consensus to win CBB among them seems to be some combination of Ross, Shannon, or Marissa, much to the audience’s approval. Back from commercial, and after over 95 minutes of “We Hate James! Let’s Evict James!” narrative, a blindside seems to be sprouting from the broken soil of the All Female + Ross alliance. Shannon and Ross conclude that neither of them trust Omarosa, and that they find it a bit sketchy that Keisha seems to have made a deal with Chuck and seems mysteriously determined to keep him safe and vote James out. Shannon DR’s that there’s already a huge target on her back, and that making the much-discussed BB Big Move – to make a house-flip deal with James and vote to keep him, and blindsiding Omarosa/Keisha/Chuck with a Chuck eviction – might be what she & Ross need to course correct the path after the alliance is formally destroyed. Ross & Shannon pull Brandi, Ari, and Marissa together to discuss the vote flip to keep James and evict Keisha’s boy Chuck. None of them are necessarily huge fans of how Omarosa & Keisha have run their alliance, and it appears that an amazing last-second vote-flipping blindside may just rear its head! Back from commercial, and it’s time to vote! Will there be a blindside, or will this be another BB production tease?? Brandi: VTE….Chuck! (Wow, the blindside is apparently a go!) Ari: VTE Chuck! Omarosa: VTE “my dear friend James” (Rut-roh, you’re goin’ down, girl!) Ross: VTE Chuck! Metta: It’s honestly not clear what the Panda Bear does, as he hysterically enters the room before Ross has left, then sits down and starts talking/explaining something about his vote before Julie & production have even turned his mic on, and eventually says “I vote Chuck” and leaves the DR (NOTE: on the feeds today, he vehemently denied voting to evict Chuck, but instead said that he voted to keep Chuck safe, but none of us heard anything because BB only had Julie’s mic on, and Julie actually never asked him who he was “evicting” like she did with everyone else…so there’s that.) Marissa: VTE Chuck! Its official, the blindside is complete!! Shannon: VTE Chuck! Mark: VTE Chuck! Julie announces that by a vote of 7-1, Chuck is evicted from the CBB house. Keisha is shocked, Omarosa is stonecold, and Ross & Shannon have a satisfied look of an accomplished mission. In the Chenterview, Chuck seems to have sensed that a last-minute vote switch was in motion, and wondered if the gift bag gambit may have hurt him. He said he laughed a lot in house, even had fun with the avocado masks and the press-on nails, but that he actually wanted to be on Amazing Race with his wife as partner, which then leads the wife of the President of CBS Network to say “I think you got a good shot”. So he and wifey can have that to look forward to sometime soon. Julie discusses with him that he’ll be back on finale night as a member of the CBB jury, but (in an old-school shoutout to BB1-BB3) that the jury will not be sequestered, so he can go home and watch the episodes & live feeds to inform his vote. He says that he’ll vote for the person who he feels played the best game, so it looks like he won’t be a bitter juror. Good for him. So that’s it for the first eviction, fun to see a blindside on the first week! Tune in for the Sunday episode to see who won the new HOH comp last night (and who ended up going to the hospital!), and on Monday night for a live POV comp & eviction (I’ll be back for the Monday eviction recap!). Post-blindside, there was a ton of chaos on the feeds, so CBS may need to rig a Paul-like Friendship Bracelet (or perhaps something more hysterically on-point for the desired network buzz, a “CBS President Moonves Pardon Bracelet”?) to keep Omarosa safely rigged in the game this week. Here’s to the start of a great CBB season of actual HG’s playing the game!
  12. Love Your Hamster Watchers

    Before the insanity of The Paul Show ended, I also wanted to give HUGE shoutouts to everyone (the admins, the writers, the readers) who make HT such an amazing (and very needed!) landing spot for our BB consumption. This is such an amazing community, I really am thankful for you all.. Enjoy the finale tonight, see y'all for the Celebrity BB life that awaits us this winter!
  13. Genius! I want you to write all the things, @thunderstruck! Brava.
  14. It’s DOUBLE EVICTION NIGHT, y’all! And after some lame predictable DE episodes in recent seasons (including the not-too-surprising DE’s of Cody & Elena earlier this year), our lady in red Julie Chen (who ditched the crazy raccoon sleeves from last week, and is All Sleeveless All The Time tonight), promises that tonight could be a Blindside Festival. From your lips to the BB gods ears, Julie. Let’s do this. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The hyped-up Narrator Dude, apparently fresh off a cocktail of coffee & 5 Hour Energy Drinks, prattles on about how stupid this house has been this week: One-legged Christmas wins a racing comp and became HOH Christmas wants to bust up Alex & Jason, and Paul is 10000% on board to mastermind the plan Alex & Jason think Kevin is the target, and volunteer to Pawn it up as Nom’s, while Christmas laughs at their stupidity in the DR The wayyyyyyy-too-comfortable Paul continues to troll the entire house about how he is probably the secret backdoor target this week, prompting The Clue to walk in and give Josh oracle-level powers to 1) see thru Paul’s ridiculousness, and 2) start to voice to others how Paul is super-shady Sadly, no one wants to hear Josh’s crystal clarity on how Paul is bamboozling everyone Shady Paul wins POV, pulls Alex off the block, and Kevin goes up as the re-nom to mask the potential Jason blindside (as Jason DR’s “I now know all my worrying was for nothing because Kevin is going home. It probably doesn’t get any better than being a part of a team with Paul and Alex” – seriously. He said this. #IDIOT) TONIGHT, will the rodeo clown ride off to jury house? Will Josh’s redemption narrative continue? Will pawn-nominee Kevin be able to call off his mob hits in time? Will Raven announce a dozen more attention-seeking ailments to steal thunder from the double evictions? And everyone grab a seat because JULIE HAS A SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WHAT COULD IT BE?????!!!!!! Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For a brilliantly on-point summary of “why these people are idiots”, please make sure to check out the always fun @gforce ‘s recap from Wednesday’s show.) Julie & her bright red dress (perhaps a warning to her minions on staff security that the chaos tonight will be Code Red levels of tear-stained crazy) tell us that we are less than two weeks away from the ending of this Titanic meets the Hindenburg-level mess of a season known as The Paul Show. But Julie also warns us that after a season of “plotting, scheming, and steering the ship” this season, Paul’s fellow roommates may finally (FINALLY!!!!!!) be slowlyyyyyyyyyy picking up on the whiff of a faint whisper of a hint that Paul mayyyyyy not always be exactly what he says he is when he wheels and deals with every single HG. Julie openly wonders that with a DE episode tonight, if someone (translation: if PR-redemption-story-in-the-making JOSH) might just take a shot at him. Oh Julie. God bless you and your Double Eviction night tease. But get ready, y’all. Because on tonight’s show There Will Be Blood Tears. Lots of ‘em. Tears in the hot tub, tears in the diary room, tears in the diary room during the live voting, tears in the nomination and POV ceremonies, tears during eviction, tears throughout America as we watch this season – it’s a sobby mess all over, people. And so we zoom back to Day 76 in the BB house, as Paul closes the POV box, fresh from pulling Alex down, and getting Kevin re-nom’ed to sit next to Jason. Christmas DR’s that everything is going according to plan, and comments that it’s weird how Alex & Jason (of the “we have a Final 3 deal with Paul so we know we are perfectly safe” Alex & Jason’s currently in the house) still seem so unphased by what is going on. Christmas then states, “I really just hope the house can stay calm all the way until Thursday, when we send Cowboy to jury”, and America wonders if Christmas has ever watched an episode of Big Brother before. Kevin DR’s that he is confused as to what is going on, wonders if he’s the tahhhget, and says that he’s probably going to jury on Thursday, and America wonders if Kevin will start blinking out codes to his “family” on the live feed cameras to begin sending “bottled water” to the families of those who cast votes against him this week. Alex DR-shouts: “Kevin is going home! I have literally been dying for this moment and now it’s actually going to happen!”, and America 1) wonders if Alex knows the definition of the word “literally”, or 2) wonders that if Alex is actually literally dying, that she better not tell Raven, as Raven will straight-up jealously murder her for trying to take her spot as the House Ailment. The Master of the House Paul then DR’s: “This could not have gone any better. If Kevin is uncomfortable, that means Alex is comfortable, and if Alex is comfortable, then that means Jason is comfortable. And then come eviction night – BLINDSIDE!”, and America continues to wonder if all of these houseguests are too stupid to function in actual society. Paul then DR’s to us his multi-point strategy to get Jason out with his blood-free hands: 1) Win the POV and take Alex off the block, and 2) convince Josh & Christmas that Paul voting to save Alex and making a 2-2 tie (which Christmas would break as HOH, thereby dunking both her hands in a bucket of blood by sending Jason home) makes the most sense for everyone (WHAT??!!!). We now flashback to two days earlier when Paul, Christmas, and Josh meet in HOH and Paul presents the My Hands Are Allergic To Blood Hey, Blood Looks Beautiful On Your Hands plan, to which Christmas dismissively exclaims, “I’m totally fine with taking the heat!” (as Josh amusingly side-eyes her unnecessarily risky statement with a “that’s the dumbest thing I have heard all week, and I am currently living in a house with Raven” expression). We then flash back to one day earlier when Paul lays down the plan to Josh that Raven & Josh will VTE Jason, and that Paul & Alex will VTE Kevin, and Christmas and her bloody hands will VTE Jason and send him to jury. This plan meets Paul’s objective of 1) getting rid of Jason, forcing now-solo Alex into the Final 5-awaiting arms of Paul, 2) and keeps his hands clean of this mess in the eyes of Alex because he will have voted to save Alex’s ride-or-die Jason, and 3) get all the mess on Christmas, because Paul doesn’t care who gets caught in the crossfire of his gun-slinging, as long as it's not him. We now visit the hot tub, where the opening act of Big Brother Double Eviction Weep Fest 2017 is about to begin. Jason and Josh are relaxing, and the about-to-be-blindsided Jason shares that he feels bad that his pal Kevin is about to be kicked out. Josh, come on buddy, keep it together dude…America is slowly coming around on you (OK, perhaps only going from “we really really really cannot stand you!” to “we really cannot stand you!”, but its progress!! And we know you may be our only hope to get Paul out before Final 3!). But this will be a super-long hour of your life if you can’t handle this very simple conversation. So please, Josh – Handle. Yo. Bidness. Play it cool. Or……revert back to Josh Is A Crying Baby that America hated from Day 3 of BB19. Ugh. Josh’s watery hands find his watery eyes, and Jason asks, “What’s wrong, what are you worried about?”, and he mumbles about “hurting”, and then says “Hey, don’t tell nobody I had a moment”, which is just as ridiculous as Raven telling someone “Hey, don’t tell nobody that I wear an unhealthy amount of makeup”, and so we’ll just move on from this nonsense. Julie now takes us live to the living room where she (for once) surprises the HG’s by telling them that it’s a Double Eviction Night, and it’s time to get to voting! Jason (of the “I’m a 100% Pawn, I’m Almost As Comfortable As Paul” Jason’s still in the house), gives the generically bland speech that many pre-blindside eviction pawns before him have given over the years, and Kevin (of the “I Am Dressed To Kill This Evening, And Yes, I May Have Worn This Suit While Once Killing Someone” Kevin’s still in the house) gives a shoutout to his kids starting the school year, and thanks Julie for being a gracious host for the season (he may be a in the mob, but he’s a polite mobster). Julie kicks off the live voting… Alex: I vote to evict Kevin. Raven: I vote to evict Jason. Paul: My bloodless hands vote to evict Kevin. Also, the houseguests this year are complete idiots. Josh: Julie…(beginning of sobs)…I sadly vote to…(growing sobs)…evict….(volcanic sobs are building, this is unprecedented during a live vote in the DR)…JASON…(and there he blows, the sob is now a full blown weep fest, as Julie simply replies “Thank You”, and prays that Josh can somehow manage to get up and leave the DR without collapsing onto the DR floor and require psychiatric assistance to get back into the living room). Julie announces that the vote is tied. Jason is shocked and confused and immediately shoots panicked glances across the room, but no one will look at him. The maybe-safe Kevin nervously keeps playing with the rings on his fingers in a distinct pattern, as if to let the “family” in Boston know in code that the “bottled waters” may not need to be sent to the houseguests’ closest relative tonight as previously planned. As Josh buries is eyes in handfuls of Kleenex, Christmas must now stand to cast the tie-breaking vote, and amid tears and broken voice of her own, votes to evict the man who broke her leg and ruined her career as a fitness competitor Jason from BB. Jason now A) returns to the calm level-headed guy that he is, takes this shocking turn of events well, graciously hugs his friends and thanks Alex for playing alongside him for 3 months, and then wishes them well while promising they all have a place to stay in Iowa if they visit the Midwest, or B) channels his inner-Cody, and stomps out in soberingly overwhelming shock without giving word or eye-contact to anyone. If you naively guessed “A”, then congratulations, Paul has an alliance he wants to have you be a part of. Jason is PISSED OFF, Y’ALL!!! Before the Chen-terview starts, we imagine every member of the CBS Live TV Censor Staff scrambling to put 2 hands on every censor button in the control room, some being prepared to simply cut Jason’s mic if he starts dropping F-bombs all over the soundstage, while others are prepared to take the CBS network to a blackout screen if Jason throws his chair into the HDTV monitors during the goodbye messages, smears blood as war paint onto his face, and screams “IN THE NAME OF WHISTLENUT & OLE, NO ONE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE!!!!”. Since CBS security needs a few more moments to make sure Julie’s exit routes out of the stage are clearly marked for her, the camera takes us back into the house where Josh is weep-mumbling, Alex is dazed, Christmas pensively processes, Kevin matter-of-factly changes out of his suit & tie and into his HOH comp gear while standing in the middle of the kitchen, and Paul loudly oversells his I-Had-No-Idea-What-Was-Happening persona by stammering “IF I WERE ON THE BLOCK, I WOULD HAVE BEEN EVICTED!!! YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME TO ME, WOULDN’T YOU, JOSH?!!”, all while we in America collectively decide that we’d totally look the other way if an already brittle & hyper-emotional Josh took his pots and pans and started to beat Paul to death on live TV. Josh may well not be the hero we want. But he may end up being the hero we need to save us from the self-important mess that is The Paul Show. He may be our only hope. Julie’s soundstage appears to now be secure, and so Julie begins her questioning. Jason confirms to Julie that this was 100% unexpected, and that he is BLINDSIDED. He states that the house if full of counterfeits, and that he wants to go back in the house for 5 minutes of hugs expressing himself in some violence, and Julie coyly says that for the safety of the HG’s it would not be wise for him to go into the house, and more directly says that such a return is not “allowed”, as if to snuff out any fight-or-flight “fight” instinct that was brewing as Jason leered toward the front door. She asked him what he thought happened, and he rambles about friends being unfaithful to him, how he had a Final 3 deal w/Paul & Alex, it’s all so confusing, blah blah blah blah, and Julie finally puts him (and us) out of our misery and cues up the goodbye messages: Awful Alex: Jason, if you are seeing this, we got blindsided (Jason stoically stares) Awful-earlier-but-now-possible hero Josh: Jason, this is one of the hardest moves I’ve made in this house. Paul came up with an elaborate plan to vote you out, I’ve been in a Final 3 alliance w/Christmas & Paul, hopefully you can respect the game move (Jason is now rocking in his chair, ready to punch anyone who says either Paul’s name or the word Meatball, and Julie’s security team is likely standing on the stage ready to shoot Jason with a tranquilizer gun at Julie’s command – but the picture is coming into focus for our idiot Pawn, and he ain’t happy). Awful Paul: Jason, if you are seeing this video, then you left me in the house with a bunch of lying counterfeits. I’ll do my best to go as far as I can with Alex, keep cheering us on (Jason shoots Paul a death-stare that we’ve previously only seen any time someone told Raven that they also had a difficult life story – suffice to say Jason is raging right now at Paul’s message, which BB production cleverly/manipulatively cued up to follow Josh’s outing of Paul’s shadiness). As Paul’s fake video of fakery ends, the audience lets out an audible gasp as they watch Jason realize that Paul has been lying to him. Julie asks him what he thinks about what he has just heard, and Jason throws Paul under all the busses in all the traffic in all the places, and then suggests where Paul can stick his Friendship bracelets. And with that, the next member of Bitter Jury 2017 gets his card punched. Julie greets us back from commercial, and it’s time for HOH. It’s a True-False quiz called “Fake News”, using headlines of BB19 house events that may or may not have happened. She’ll read 7 headlines, and the person with the most correct answers wins. And in keeping with many years of BB karma, the just-nominated Alex rebounds to win HOH. As if BB production were (finally?) turning on Paul, Julie commands that they all go into the living room for immediate nominations before commercial break! Paul, without any chance to use the commercial break to pull Alex aside and engineer his will on her, must sit and wonder if he may get nom’d by the now-bitter Alex. But Alex takes the easy way out, and nominates two people who had little to do with neither her nomination last week, nor the eviction of her ride-or-die Jason – she nom’s Kevin & Raven, while Paul, Josh, and Christmas just stare innocently at the carpet. Oh well. But hey, do you, Alex. Time for POV comp, and it’s a variation on the much used “clown shoe” ball pit comp, where HG’s need to find an item in a ball pit and race back and forth. This year’s version requires the HG’s to find large green balls (limes) in the ball pit, and race to back up the platform to drop a lime into a giant tube – first person to 4 limes in the tubes wins the comp. And don’t worry, y’all – Christmas is 100% medically cleared to play this comp which requires running up & down wooden steps in a race, proving that after her one-legged self was cleared to win a racing comp last week, that the BB medical staff joins America in no longer caring who lives or dies in this season. They start the comp, there’s a lot of back & forth, and the ball-drop portion of the comp shows itself to be much more difficult than likely even production guessed it would be, as only about 25% of the balls seem to be going in. And so after a lot of mania, the rising hero Josh gets his limes dropped in and wins the POV. Back from commercial, Julie scrambles everyone into the living room for the POV ceremony (and humorously, nominee Raven is the proverbial hot mess in her comp clothes and wearing Cereal Boy’s sleeveless shirt, while nominee Kevin – in the middle of the of actual POV ceremony – is seated in the nomination chair and changing back into his suit; getting dressed up is important to Kevin, and he even works to get his designer silk neckwear game looking perfect, because #MobTie). POV winner Josh emotionally huffs for a bit, but thankfully manages to not break down crying mid-ceremony. Paul is looking really nervous, as everyone joyfully wonders if Josh may use POV, and if Paul may be the PERFECT re-nom pick to efficiently vote out on a double eviction night. But sadly, Josh decides to not use the POV, an audible sadness is heard from the studio audience, and we now know that the resident Mob Boss or the Human Ailment will be sent to jury tonight. It’s time to vote, and by a vote of 2-1, Raven gets sent to the Chen-terview. On her way out the door, Raven is a bawling mess, as Josh keeps saying “I’m so sorry, Raven, I’m so sorry Raven”, while other HG’s are scrambling to jury massage her with hugs that she does not want. She bee-lines out the door, replies “No you’re not!” to Josh’s final plea of “I’m sorry, Raven!”, and just when we think that Raven’s interview with Julie may be the most tear-filled Chen-terview in history, we see the psychotically unstable Raven bound out of the house doing cartwheels and legkicks because, in the words of Bailey Gambill, #SheCrazy. As Julie’s stage minions make sure that the giant nets and straightjackets are ready should Raven swing into a Glenn Close delirium if a member of the studio audience starts coughing and dare take attention away from Raven , we zip back into the house where Alex is staring into the mysterious darkness of a 2 liter of Coke, Kevin is now changing out of his suit & #MobTie in the middle of the kitchen, and we see the weight of the DE episode completely collapse onto Josh as he goes into the apple room and implodes into a fit of outloud weeping. It’s time for Julie’s questions, and while the interview was short, it thankfully maintained the similar Check-Yo’Self tone that Julie doled out to Raven’s idiot partner Matt one week ago. Julie: Raven, are you shocked they evicted you over Kevin? Raven: Ummm, Yes and No, I mean I understand why they are keeping Kevin around, I mean there’s not much going on there, and with my life story, I’m sure no one would want to bring me to Final 2! Julie (her head clearly overloading on all of Raven’s nonsense, and hysterically needing a moment to even know where to begin trying to respond to Raven’s self-important answer): Well, OK…we just heard you criticize Kevin for not being the best competitor…but…let’s talk about your game – you cuddled up with Matt all summer…(long pause)…I assume you came in here to…play the game…but honestly…we didn’t really see you play the game. Raven (in full-on crazy person mode): I think I played the game VERY WELL, I had Paul in my corner, I threw competitions for Paul, Matt & I had a great social game, so I have no regrets. Julie (wondering why even minimal self-awareness stubbornly refuses to find Raven): Well OK…uhh, there you go. You’re off to the jury house now, we’ll see you on finale night. Back from commercial, and IT’S TIME FOR JULIE’S SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. She starts by telling us that we can prepare for two eviction shows next week (Wed & Thurs) as the Final 5 whittles down to Final 3. She then teases a trailer for The Revengers (which will be a part of Sunday’s annual comic book POV comp) where we see a bunch of BB has-beens dressed as super heroes. But as if knowing that BB Nation mistaking this teaser as JULIE’S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT would likely end up breaking twitter in a disappointed rage, Julie calms us all down and says that our seeing BB alums in costumes is NOT the big announcement… Julie now takes center stage, and announces that for the first time ever, CBS will host a Celebrity Big Brother season this winter. We in BB Nation seem hopefully intrigued by this news provided that 1) CBS can first define what they mean by “celebrity”, 2) that CBS promises us that “celebrity” and “past BB houseguests” are not synonymous terms, and 3) that the BB fan base is prepared to see “stars” of canceled CBS Fall 2017 shows to be the first people named as Celebrity BB Houseguests. And so here we are, the final days of The Paul Show are upon us. Admittedly, if Paul manages to make Final 2, then I’d suggest that he needs to (and deserves to) win. But until we get to F2, I will be rooting for Paul to get got (perhaps by Josh??), as this practically Shakespearean late-game shocker might actually help save this otherwise boringly predictable season. Until then, please come back for the Sunday recap shenanigans from @copssister. And to all those in the path of Hurricane Irma, I echo @ScrambledLegs ‘s wish for you be find safety and strength in the days ahead. Peace, BB fans.