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  1. The Chenbot greets us on stage in a tastefully classy gown that 1) may mean that her stylist is just phoning it in now, or 2) just may be prophetically hinting at “the classiest and most awesome” eviction ever (per Marissa tonight, as the episode ends). We have a lot on the agenda tonight, dear readers: the fallout from Asthma-rosa’s nominations, the live POV & eviction, a mysterious POV twist (that CBS/Julie adorably continue to pump up, as if it is even going to matter…). With only 6 days of CBB to go, we still have a whopping 8 people still in the house. So let’s do this, y’all. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh from writing think-pieces on if Brad & Jen will now complete the circle and end up back together, now takes some moments to remind us of the Previous’lies: The Ross, Marissa, Ari, Brandi “power alliance” (stupidly) cuts Shannon, but during the eviction vote, the Lisa Vanderpump-wannabe went rogue and spontaneously voted to evict Mark, sending the alliance into a swirl of drama The basketball-themed Wall Comp for HOH came down to James & Omarosa, but James felt pity for the asthmatically-challenged of the world and, after bartering for safety, throws it to Omarosa HOH Omarosa wants to target the pairings (Ross & Marissa + Ari & Brandi), but is specifically targeting Ross since he nom’d her when he was HOH Omarosa has meetings to solidify an alliance with guys (Mark, James, and Metta), while also resurrecting the female alliance foursome in order to triangulate her position with Marissa, Brandi, and Ari (you can take the HOH out of Washington DC, but you can’t take the DC out of the HOH). Omarosa ends up splitting both the gender lines and the pairing lines, by nom’ing Ross & Brandi (with a courtesy wink to Marissa – we can hate Omarosa as much as we want, but the woman definitely knows how to maximize the chaos with seemingly minor *cough* gestures) TONIGHT, a special POV voted by America will shake up the game leave the game as it would have been had it just been a normal POV! Who will win this POV, and will it save Ross or Brandi? Will CBS go all-in on Omarosa’s winking and try to get a sponsorship deal with Visine? If yet another HG self-evicts this week, will Fergie, fresh off of her…ummm, interesting…take on the national anthem this week, be available for a few days of CBB gameplay/image rehab? And now that King T’Challa has opened the country’s borders, how soon can we get a season of BB Wakanda to join the international BB listings? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For more zings on the above Previous’lies, feel free to check out the snarktastic recaps this week from @chrysana and @elizabethann!) We pick things up on Day #18 at the close of the nomination ceremony. Omarosa DR’s that she wanted to break up the Ari/Brandi & Marissa/Ross pairs; but she decided on Brandi because “she’s shady” for throwing Shannon a sympathy vote, and Ross because Ross nom’d her last week “and for me, it’s always personal it’s always incredibly reactionary and sanctimonious.” Brandi DR: On top of Omarosa nominating me, I’m worried that my own alliance is turning their back on me. With all of the looks and the winks, I’m starting to wonder if someone has turned over to the dark side! This reference to “the wink” heard ‘round the world then segues to a kitchen meet up, where all are gathered and discussing the nominations. Omarosa continues to say she made her decisions to try and break up the pairs, saying “people have Final 2 deals, people have Final 4 deals, I have nothing…”, which baits nominee Ross into passive-aggressively replying, “You can say whatever you want, it’s OK, honey.”, which then invites Omarosa to pin Ross down and ask “Oh, so you’ve made deals with no one?” Ross then goes into denial-mode, and Omarosa now has him right where she wants him. Doh. Omarosa surgically DR’s that this whole exercise in the kitchen is her effort to plant seeds of doubt among the many alliances (many of them, overlapping alliances) currently seated in the kitchen. Ross awkwardly tries to play it all off, and says that he is simply talking to a bunch of people throughout the house saying (in a not so believable tone) that he doesn’t have any Final 4 deals. Omarosa continues to poke at this question, prompting The Queen of Unnecessary Bluntness, Brandi, to ask with radioactively high levels of Unnecessary Bluntness, “Wait so…like…how did you know about our Final 4?”, as the BB music editors hysterically grind the music to a screech. Omarosa (talking to Ross, pointing at Brandi & Marissa & Ari): You had a Final 4 with them? Ross: With what now? (said with awkward sheepishness) Omarosa just claps and laughs. Brandi: I just wanna know who out of our Final 4 said something?? Marissa: Uhhh, I think YOU just did. Seriously, how does Brandi function on a day-to-day level??? The woman does not know what it means to have an unexpressed thought, and every thought she does express is delivered in absolute bluntness, followed by a quizzical shrug of the shoulder when everyone in the room stares at her words in confused shock. She’s a real-life Cosmo Kramer telling people they’d look really pretty if they simply went and got a nose job. Brandi unwittingly continues to strap herself into Omarosa’s web by now claiming that someone from their group must have talked, and points out that Omarosa knowingly winked at Marissa upon completing her nominations. Marissa is not having any of this accusatory noise, and rises into over-defensiveness (which makes Omarosa smile, as she watches the alliance melt before her eyes). She stomps off with Ross, saying that she’s less upset about the nominations than she is about Brandi implying that she sold out the alliance. And with this developing scene, Omarosa’s planted seeds begin to sprout some self-destructive craziness. Marissa & Ari have a confab, and discuss that the nom’s were a shock to them (esp after all of Omarosa’s talk two weeks ago about getting all of the guys out first), and shared that they expected Mark & Ross to go up. Ari then shares that before nom’s she saw Mark go up to HOH to talk with Omarosa. At this point, our dear BB friend The Clue walks in dressed in a comically superfly Steve Harvey designer suit and hits Ari over the head, prompting Miss Colombia to suspect that Mark & James cut a deal with Omarosa. They then realize that if either of the nom’s wins POV, that Ari or Marissa will be the replacement nom, and for the umpteenth time in BB canon, we watch the dreams of a capable female alliance crash into the ashes of gender backstabbery. Marissa apparently finds some alcohol-infused tape and mends fences with Brandi so she can then spread the Omarosa/Mark/James alliance rumor to our Beverly Hills Housewife. She then pulls Ross into the store room to 1) declare the new O/M/J alliance to Ross, and 2) share that “Ari figured it out. Ari’s very smart. She’s like, the smartest person in the entire house!” (and with that, Steve Harvey realizes that maybe the world would have been a much better place in 2018 if he would have simply shut his mouth and let “the smartest person in the Celebrity BB house” win Miss Universe and run the cosmos for a year). #LessonLearned But Ross seems doubtful about this alleged O/M/J alliance, suggesting that Mark & James don’t really trust Omarosa. Knowing that he needs both Mark & James’s vote to stay, he wants to talk with them, convinced that he can get the truth out of Mark. We now zip out to the back porch, where the group decides that they will play the Twitter Game (where they pose hypothetical questions to each other as questions someone may ask on twitter, in an effort to learn a truth about someone). Omarosa asks Ari about how he feels about Steve Harvey (Ari: I love him, I really do love him), Mark asks Omarosa about the most interesting thing about being in the White House (Omarosa: The 11 days of Scaramucci, shoutout to The Mooch), and Blunt Brandi asks James why would anyone choose LeAnn Rimes over me if he and Mark were actually in an alliance with Omarosa (James: Yes, I’ve made a deal with everyone in the house this year to be polite and nice, but something tells me that will change this week), and then James DR’s that Brandi has been mean to him since Day 1, and that while he’s supposed to vote Ross out this week, he wouldn’t mind seeing Brandi leave instead. Ross now decides to have a kitchen convo w/James & Mark, telling them that they cannot trust Omarosa, telling them that she’s just going to make any deal she needs to get in their head. James DR’s that he’d actually love to see Brandi get voted out instead of Ross, and that he’d be interested in making some new alliance deals. He notes that Marissa seems very close to Ari, and then asks if Ross thinks he can get Marissa over to roll with him & Mark & Ross instead. Ross encourages James to talk with her and see what deals can be made. Mark & James then have a private convo in the gym and realize that their 2 votes entirely control who stays or leaves this week. They conclude that they’d be down for an Omarosa blindside if they can lock up a solid alliance with Marissa & Ross. So off we go to find Marissa. James meets with Marissa in the bedroom and creeps her out w/Orwell the Owl. He lays out that if he & Mark & Marissa can align, they can save Ross and get rid of Brandi. Marissa quickly interjects that she is 100% down to saving Ross, but then dials it back 2 or 3 or 75 percent by saying that “I don’t want to leave Ari in the dust”. James (very correctly) explains that IT’S A GAME, and at some point they will need to break Ari off because none of them will beat the very-loved Ari in the Final 2. Marissa DR: I totally see where James is coming from…but then that leaves Ari completely out of the equation and all on her own, and I’m not ready to do that. I mean, just 12 minutes ago in this very episode of television, I acknowledged that Ari is, like, the smartest person in here! She’d obviously die in this house without my Broadway-influenced overdramatic reactions and jaw-drops, so how could I just cut her loose and save Ross??! Wait, what’s that, BB3Roddy? You mean my simply voting tonight to keep Ross and cut Brandi – who Ari already said she couldn’t trust anymore – wouldn’t forbid me from just selling out the boys next week and realigning w/Ross & Ari on our own? You mean that making one vote tonight still allows me to save Ross and still work with Ari. Oh, OK! Huh, maybe I’ll now just see how POV plays out, and then make a decision from there! Thanks, BB3Roddy! You may almost be as smart as Ari at this game! Julie now whisks us to the backyard, where we see that Metta, Marissa, and Mark have been chosen to join nom’s Brandi & Mark and HOH Omarosa in the POV. Julie explains to the HG’s that ‘Merica has been voting for the last 2 days between three distinct POV powers: Spotlight POV: Winner is forced to use POV VIP POV: Winner can use POV twice tonight Diamond POV: Winner can remove someone from the block, and also then name the replacement nom Julie opens the envelope, and America production chooses the VIP POV, letting all know that it is now entirely possible for both Ross & Brandi to stay tonight. But Metta then asks on live TV “if you win the veto, can you put yourself up?”, and the BB story editors realize that their commitment to so thoroughly detail the fractures in alliances and Omarosa’s power may be undermined by Metta’s apparently determined interest in going on the block himself. #Suspense-UnderminingForeshadow The comp is a standard “get your puzzle blocks, stack a puzzle picture” game that has been played many times. The comp unfolds, and Mark & Ross both do a great job of getting all of their blocks laid out, but seem stumped by getting the final puzzle blocks to complete the picture. Mark remains confused, Ross starts to realize he needs to flip a few pieces around and is getting closer, and Omarosa is very logically piecing her puzzle together in an efficient manner. Production seems ready for Omarosa to rally to win, and surprisingly decides to dedicate the camera shot entirely to her. As Omarosa gets her last piece in, she runs down the lane toward her buzzer, the audience rises in shocked exclamation, she hits her buzzer, and Julie shouts out “Congratulations, ROSS!” as all of America wonders 1) if the Chenbot short-circuited once again during a live TV comp and once again blurted out the wrong result, or 2) why BB production did not prepare to have a split-screen camera shot in case multiple people predictably finished the puzzle within seconds of each other resulting in a legit photo-finish. After a few seconds of confusion, it is confirmed that Ross did actually win the VIP POV, and can now choose to save both himself and Brandi if he desires. At the POV ceremony, Julie asks if Ross would like to implement POV for a first usage tonight, and Ross removes himself from the block. Julie asks Omarosa to name a replacement nominee, and the woman who has been saying all episode that she needs to break up a pair, does NOT put up Marissa or Ari (as she very much could have/should have done, in an effort to further her own game), but instead chooses to put Metta up “because he wants to go home.” Julie then asks Ross if he would like to implement POV for a second time tonight, and he declines. So essentially, all of this voting by America for some fancy superpowered POV actually results in a normal not-so-fancy POV where the winner simply saves himself and the HOH’s chosen HG gets re-nom’ed. Thanks for all your votes, America!! Metta or Brandi will go home tonight. Back from commercial, and to Bailey Gambill’s utter joy, we see that just about every houseguest is suddenly now wearing one of Metta’s Panda Friend ballcaps, and America very quickly realizes that for the 2nd Monday night live eviction show in a row, a houseguest clearly is about to be unanimously “evicted” by their own choosing. Doh. Metta’s speech: It’s been very very difficult for me to be away from my family. I ask that you think back to the halcyon days of familial love in BB16 when #DevinHasADaughter became a battlecry for the father who loves and misses his kids. And while my breastmilk is not depleting like Rudy Huxtable, I ask that you vote me out. Yes, I know I have already been away from family for 20 days, and that the game actually ends in just 5 more very short days. And even though I am now literally in the closing hours of this entire game, and I am not at all a serious threat to be evicted, and that everyone seems to sincerely enjoy my being in the house, and that I could conceivably make the Final 2 and just stumble my way into a $250,000 victory thru a bitter jury vote, I choose to invoke the #BreastmilkDepletion card of Celebrity BB and ask that you vote me out. Brandi’s speech (to everyone’s awkward “Is This Really Happening?” laughter): I just wanna say thank you, Metta, for wanting to go home. That sound you hear is Shannon Elizabeth destroying EVERY SINGLE OBJECT IN HER HOME, cursing the BB gods that this exact same scene couldn’t have happened 2 days ago when she got screwed by Ross & Marissa’s backstabbing overreach. And so we now watch all of this season’s Celebrity Kumbaya BB voters enter the DR and chose to “evict” Metta. And with that, BB fans (who have enjoyed what has been an otherwise sincerely enjoyable BB season) must shrug and look the other way as the suspense of another live Monday POV/Eviction episode gets completely undermined by an HG simply asking to leave. The Chenterview is predictable, as Julie isn’t surprised by this result, and on some level may be relived for him. Metta and his BFF Orwell have a seat, and Julie notes that he is crying. Metta says that he’s emotional because he’s made a bond with all of them and they are truly his brothers & sisters. He said he learned how much he missed his family and can’t wait to see his kids, their mothers, and his fiancé Maya. As the episode ends, Julie says that we’ll have a double eviction on Friday night, and (for some reason??) a whopping 5 HG’s on CBB finale night on Sunday (seriously, after 2 borderline self-eviction episodes, CBS couldn’t have given us some bonus suspense by historically doing two double-evictions this week and get us to 3 people for Finale Sunday??). And as long as we’re brainstorming BB ideas, it seems that shorter seasons, with more frequent evictions, has been a successful experiment. Add to this the fact that some of these recent 90+ day seasons have had a bit too much filler/boring stretches, I’m wondering if CBS could simply do 2 shorter seasons of BB in a calendar year, with each season being 6 weeks long (maybe 1 regular season, and 1 “celebrity” season). The gameplay would have higher stakes, and doing 2 evictions per week every season could be fun. One of these days, when BB fans run the world…. But before the Friday night double-eviction, and the Sunday finale of CBB, we will all get the treat of @jennknee's gift of snark for the Wednesday HOH & nomination episode! It’s been a tough winter BB season for Jennknee as she has been in a ride-or-die alliance with the CBB competition known as the Olympics, but in that spirit, I’m sure she will go full-on “I, Tonya” with her snark levels on these remaining 7 HG’s (since we will not be getting Zingbot for CBB, we will depend on you, Jennknee!). Thanks for reading, y’all! Enjoy the Wednesday episode ahead.
  2. The Chenbot and her see-through blue frock greet us (settle down, Julie Chen! Seriously, did no one test her wardrobe under stagelights?!), and what seems to be a very curious outfit for the show, ends up perfectly fitting with the entire vibe of tonight’s very curious episode – it’s Crazy Town, y’all, truly an episode unlike any episode we have ever seen before. Strap in, readers, tonight’s episode was a wild ride. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh off some quick Google searching about the science of Asthma (cough) ailments, and the actually twitter-trending #BreastmilkDepletion, kicks things off with some memories of days gone by: The Alliance of 7 had their targets on James Omarosa & Keisha’s overplaying control stressed everyone out, and Shannon led the movement to flip the table on the BGM alliance during the live eviction, and saved James When Omarosa passive-aggressively rages at Shannon’s selling out their alliance, Shannon comes clean to her crew and says that she had an alliance with Omarosa since Day 1 (and the crew becomes more unnerved & aware that Shannon has been playing the game very hard from the start) Bowlerina HOH is played, Omarosa gets *cough* hospitalized, and Ross wins HOH Ross DR’s that he needs to target Omarosa & Keisha for nom’s since he has just blown up the alliance, but with Omarosa *cough* hospitalized, he wonders if his houseflip-partner Shannon might be a strategic blindside replacement for the hospitalized *cough* Omarosa Ross gets an HOH card announcing that Omarosa is *cough* hospitalized, but will return before nominations Ross nom’s the BGM alliance, but teases that Shannon could go up as a nom after POV TONIGHT, will Ross & Marissa lead the house in a theatrical backdoor singalong of Bye Bye Miss American Pie? Or will the plan to backdoor Shannon go up in flames because Metta hasn’t yet 1) learned how to properly transact a live eviction vote, or 2) actually learned what a backdoor vote means? And speaking of Metta, will his two pink flamingos challenge Paul & Pablo to a fight to the death this summer on BB20? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! The post credits camera shot does its standard cut to Julie, and she does her standard #ButFirst topic pivot, but before doing so, she does an hysterical fake *cough* to the studio audience’s & America’s great delight, and BB Nation is now HYPED because the Julie on stage tonight is not the stiff Chenbot, but is the take-no-prisoners ShadeBot! All y’all BB fans who are even thinking about faking an asthma attack or actively lactating past one year are officially on notice. Julie and her Shade are not here for your apparent mess. Not tonight. We now zip into the house on Day 11 as Ross wraps up the nomination ceremony. Shannon DR’s that she was expecting all hell to break loose after the noms, but Omarosa appears to be surprisingly calm for now, and so she will wait and see what unfolds. We next see Omarosa talking to Ross (the sitting-HOH who just nominated her 5 minutes ago, and who also straight-up blindsided her one day ago) on the sofa, and she calmly discussed all of the insights and perspective that the hospital visit gave her. She now knows “there are more important things in the world than playing in a game”, and that BB is “really really fun and a great opportunity to meet people”. Ross DR’s that he was waiting for the Wrath of Omarosa (“KHAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!”) to explode all over the house, but now he doesn’t know what to think. We in America join you in this confusion, Ross. The CBS production earpiece that’s undoubtedly lodged in Omarosa’s ear right now is calmly zen’ing her out, and maybe just maybe the CBS viral casting coup of Omarosa can survive the danger of this eviction night without another contrived Stand On A Safety Star rigging twist?? So prays the CBS network. We now zip into the speakeasy parlor, where the meeting of the Indoor Sunglasses Club is coming to order, and lifelong club members Ari & Brandi are deep into tonight’s meeting agenda. It seems that these ladies don’t feel that Ross’s strategy to get rid of either Omarosa or Keisha makes any sense, and feel that targeting Shannon is the better play. They feel that Shannon (and perhaps her newfound alliance partner James) are the two best competitors in the house, and feel that keeping Keisha & Omar-Asthma *cough* in the game, while at times difficult/annoying, is less of a competition risk for them because she’s now so incredibly unhealthy (cough). But they are frustrated that Ross (up to this point) is scared to pull the trigger on the Backdoor Shannon plan (because – hello ladies, wake up! – Ross is overextended, and has one of his F4 deals with Shannon, James, and Marissa, but hey, details…). Brandi DR: It’s so obvious that Shannon and James are working together and completely codependent at this point! And on top of it, Miss Coconut Oil Head is going coo-coo with overplaying. We need to get her out Period. Exclamation. Period. Exclamation. With an Emoji at the end. You know like a wine emoji. Because I have a drinking problem. And after the emoji, maybe some bars of morse code, you know, because we gotta support the troops. And maybe some huge sign language motions, like they do on the news when a hurricane is going to hit. And then maybe ….wait, have I mentioned I have a drinking problem? Ari DR: Now that we know that Omarosa has *cough* asthma problems, we realize that she is the weakest competitor in the house (<--- she seriously said this), so we definitely have to break the power duo that is Shannon and James. And so it begins… Brandi now heads to HOH room, and lays out the case to Ross that James & Shannon are their biggest threats, and then she further waters the seed of backdooring Shannon. She tells Ross that their alliance (and since Ross is so overextended, let me clarify that the alliance she is referring to is Marissa, Ari, Brandi, and Ross) is super solid (ummmm, cough), and that if they bring Keisha in with them, then they have the votes that are needed to make the unnecessarily Big Move to evict Shannon right now*. *Unnecessary IMHO, because Shannon is not targeting any of you right now, she’s actually working with you and can win lots of comps; it’s only the 2nd eviction and there are still 9 other people you still need to get thru; even if your enemies win HOH, Shannon will be an obvious meat-shield for you thru the next 3+ evictions, which provides you a layer of target insulation and also gets someone else’s hands bloody to evict your current alliance-mate & friend named Shannon; YES, Shannon is a better comp player than you all, but you can still use that to your benefit right now, there’s no urgency to evict her ASAP when you have both Omarosa & Keisha to legitimately deal with after you flipped the house on them. But sure, if you want to give in to mission creep & group think (a Big Brother tradition!), have a nice rest of the episode. #BB3Roddy’sLogicRantOver Ross states that he’d be open to the Backdoor Shannon plan, esp if one of them wins POV and pulls Keisha off the block. So now, Ross tells Brandi he has to talk it through with Marissa. Ross & Marissa have a late-night meet up in HOH, and after a seemingly overstated & dramatic assessment of the hyper-urgency of getting Shannon out ASAP (ahhhh, theather kids, they’re so adorable…), they seem ready to rise to the surprise backdoor backstab of Shannon. And then on the HOH TV monitor, they notice that the Mistress of Game, Shannon Elizabeth herself, is now down in the kitchen cleaning the dishes and counter tops! The nerve of such BB houseguest activity!! It’s like Shannon’s mega-hardcore gameplay does not have an OFF switch!!! Says Marissa to Ross, upon observing Shannon doing the high crime of cleaning the BB kitchen by herself, for the seeming good of the entire house: Ross, she CAN’T STOP. She CAN’T STOP! She’s playing such a hard game! I mean, every season of BB has a swarm of ants that depend on a filthy kitchen in order to allow their colony to survive! And Shannon is just so determined to dominate every aspect of this game, that she is willing to destroy the kitchen ants chance at happiness! What an unstoppably competitive MONSTER!! Marissa then DR’s: When I first moved into the house, I loved seeing a familiar face of someone I knew in Shannon. And I really thought we’d make it to the end together. Anddddddddd, I can’t believe I am actually saying this, but – I wanna backdoor Shannon! I mean, she’s playing SO HARD which is so dangerous!! Exhibit A: Have you SEEN her clean up the kitchen?!! Sure, this could be viewed as an act of kindness from one roommate to another, and Yes, we are a house of slobs and the kitchen probably needed to be cleaned up, but ONLY A MONSTER WITH NO REGARD FOR OTHERS would play the game of BB so hard that they would clean a common living space without telling anyone! Back from commercial, and Julie intros that the next segment is about Trump. Fasten your seatbelts, y’all, it’s time for Les Moonves & Julie Chen to roll out some viral media content! (And within hours of tonight’s broadcast, USA Today, CNN, Newsweek, Fox News, and many more news sites have covered this segment of CBB! #Les&JulieHighFive) So we’re all gathered around the living room, and Omarosa starts talking about the government shutdown, and the political implications for the Democrats. This pivots to a conversation about DACA, and how DACA became a bartering chip because Trump wanted his wall. We now get a quick DR from Ross, which articulates what CBS corporate is hoping for: that every time Omarosa opens her mouth there could be a Breaking News chyron thrown on the screen, because girl is definitely ready to spill some presidential tea, mysterious Non-Disclosure Agreement and Muller Investigation be damned! Back to the living room, and we’re now swimming in gallons of spilt presidential tea, this time about how Trump administration (according to Omarosa) is using the DACA registry to locate immigrants for deportation. Marissa asks if everything will eventually be OK, and Omarosa zings back that she is asked that question all the time and that she always has the same answer – that everything will NOT be OK, because (says Omarosa), “I’ve seen the plan, and the ‘roundup plan’ is getting more and more aggressive.” A quick DR from Mark now rolls (which is I’m sure CBS’s effort to calm the anti-Trump perception and provide some moderating cover for the CBS network), where Mark reminds everyone that Omarosa “is a world-class reality show TV villain”, and she tends to make everything about her, and no one can know for sure if what she is saying “is actually true, or is it game, or is it her story, or is it the real story?” Omarosa is still looking to dole out some sizzling White House hot-takes, and now comes in with the “Can I just say this? As bad as y’all think Trump is…(long pause, time for our asthmatic friends to get a beverage and sooth your *cough*)…you should be worried about Pence. So everybody who’s wishing for impeachment may want to reconsider their life. We would be begging for the days of Trump if Pence became president, that’s all I’m saying. He is EXTREMEEEEEEE. I’m Christian, and I love Jesus…but he thinks Jesus tells him to say things, and I’m like ‘Jesus didn’t say that!’ It’s scary.” Sooooooooo, yeah…. happy Olympics Week, America!!!! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Moving on… Ross now moves to the bedroom to talk to Mr. Mark “I’ll Agree With Whomever Is In Front Of Me” McGrath to whip up the votes for the Backdooring of Miss American Pie. Predictably, Mark is 100% down for the backdoor (surprise, surprise!! Seriously, Mark, you’re a sincerely nice guy, but up to this point you are sooooooooo lucky you have other people in the house doing all the thinking). Mark DR’s that he knows he’s a floater, and he’s all about someone else’s brilliant plan to get their own hands bloody. #FloaterCard But I shouldn’t mock him too much, because with his easygoing likability and lack of Alpha ego (which allows him to just chill & float around the house with a smile, and not be on anyone’s radar), Sugar Ray may just float his way to $250k in two short weeks. Ross, Marissa, and Mark continue talking and realize (that with Ari & Brandi) they have the votes needed to backdoor Shannon. Mark is so agreeably happy with this swirl of teamwork, that he happily volunteers to go and tell James, and Ross & Marissa nearly spin their heads off their bodies trying to stop Mark’s agreeable helpfulness, and shush him into keeping it a secret from Shannon’s friend Jason. (NOTE: another kind of player besides Mark might pick up on how mysterious it is that his good buddy James apparently has to be “surprised” by the backdoor news, but Mark channels his inner-McConaughey, mellows out into an agreeable “hey, just let me know when you want me to tell anyone” vibe, and floats on down the BB river. Seriously, the dude may just win the whole thing when it’s all over.) Next, we have some quality hot tub time with Metta. Metta is a curious cat – at one moment, exceedingly thoughtful and sensitive, at another moment stomping into/out of the DR in a Hulk Smash/Godzilla In Tokyo manner when it’s time to cast a live eviction vote, and at other moments wearing Bailey Gambill-approved Panda logos and cuddling Orwell the POP TV owl in the kitchen. But Metta in water is next-level Metta. There’s a charm, a joyfully curious innocence, to what is emoted by the former NBA “villain”. So everyone in the house is asleep, Metta is awake, and decides to contemplate life’s mysteries in the hot tub. Natch. The BB camera follows him into the tub, and Metta starts to express his thoughts in apparent solitude. But noticing the camera, Metta decides to engage the mounted media device, and to try and make a new friend. Metta: I feel like I’m talking to myself. Can you hear this, camera? Just nod. Mounted Camera nods up and down in acknowledgement, BLOWING METTA’s MIND! Metta: WHOAAAAA! The camera nodded. When you get a camera in this house to nod, it’s like seeing Barack Obama. (SOOOOOOOO much presidential politics in tonight’s show, settle down, BB.) Metta, with his inflatable flamingo “ducks”, to the camera: Y’all wanna see a fight? I was the key player involved in the 2004 Malice in the Palace arena brawl, so believe me when I say Metta World Peace knows about fighting. Mounted Camera nods up and down in affirming acknowledgement. Metta: WHOAAAAA, I got another Yes!!! (said as he sincerely waves his arms/feet in splashy childlike delight) BB production now joins the fun with rocking fight music, and a Round 1 title card, as Metta animates the flamingo “ducks” into a back/forth water fight. In Round 2, the right hand flamingo “duck” wins and get placed as a crown on Metta’s head, while the left hand flamingo “duck” gets tossed into oblivion. Metta to the winning inflatable: You’re the winner! And I’ll make sure nobody ever eats you. (Oh wow, that went dark real quick.) Jewish philosopher Abraham Heschel once said, “Never once in my life did I ask God for success or wisdom or power or fame. I asked for Wonder, and he gave it to me.” Cheers to Metta’s childlike wonder, esp in tonight’s Crazy Town episode of BB. Time for a chat in HOH, as Ross/Brandi/Ari/Marissa gather for one final Backdoor Shannon meeting. Ross is definitely having second thought reflections (“she’s wearing her Animal Avengers hat, what about the animals she’s trying to save?!”). And as this final strategy session is going on, Shannon comes upstairs to say hello! Panicked Ross thinks quickly (or thinks badly) and decides to simply turn off the lights and pretend they are all sleeping (Ross clearly subscribes to the “you can’t see me!” game people play with babies, assuming if they all cover themselves in darkness, that Shannon will become blind. #NotAGreatPlan) Perhaps more confused by the sound of conversation that suddenly went silent behind the door, Shannon leaves and goes downstairs to bed. And with that, the Backdoor Shannon plan seems to be fully in place. They have more than enough people promising to vote her out, and the BB cliché of Group Think has successfully taken over the previously thoughtful approach to the game that many (at least Ross) had been employing until now. Was Shannon an immediate threat to go after any of them in the next few evictions? – No. Was Shannon demonstrating any disloyalty to the core group in the immediate future? – No. After jointly engineering the house vote flip 3 short days ago with Ross, was Shannon planning to be disloyal to Ross anytime soon? -- No But hey, it’s winter sickness season throughout the country, and Ross has perhaps picked up a touch of the 24 hour flu HOH-itis, but being around others who love themselves some group-think mission creep, is probably not the right prescription for our HOH patient. So I guess we’ll have to let the HOH’itis run its course and hope for the best. Off to the live POV comp, we go. Ross/Omarosa/Keisha are joined in POV by Ari/Marissa/Shannon (ooooooh, Shannon, this is – unbeknownst to you – your only shot! Better win this comp, American Pie, or the super-secret backdoor blindside on live TV awaits!). The comp is a cruise ship theme, called “Now You Sea It”, and HG’s will be asked questions about pictures, and will have to answer if an item in the picture is seen More/Exactly/Less than the number Julie states in the question. It’s an eliminator-style comp, where two HG’s face off at a time, and the last one standing wins the POV. Round 1 – Keisha eliminates Ross Round 2 – Omarosa eliminates Shannon (NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Backdoor Shannon plan is now free to predictably unfold, just as the BB story editors have crafted for us tonight) Round 3 – Marissa eliminates Ari Round 4 – Omarosa eliminates Keisha Round 5 – Final Round – Marissa eliminates Omarosa and WINS POV The requisite celebration follows, Marissa hugs people, Julie tells everyone to head inside, and then tells us we’ll be right back after commercial. Production cues up the music to lead us into commercial for the standard 3-4 seconds of eavesdropping before the show cuts to black. It’s all pretty perfunctory transition, we’ve seen it a million times, no big deal… Unless, suddenly everything we once knew to be true dissolved into nothingness…. Unless, the nihilistic spirit of (likely BB Superfan!) Friedrich Nietzsche suddenly infused the air surrounding the set of tonight’s POV comp… Unless, the biblical passage of Ecclesiastes 12:8 was actually a Celebrity Big Brother Old Testament prophecy in the verse “Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!”… Unless, for the first time in BB history, the term #BreastmilkDepletion is meant to become a trending topic on USA twitter this very night… So viewers, if you’re not ready for KISS’s rock anthem “All Hell’s Breakin’ Loose” to be the soundtrack for the remainder of tonight’s show, avert your eyes from the final 24 minutes of tonight’s CBB. Because this way lies madness. America innocently watches as Julie throws it to commercial, but as the standard BB outro music builds to crescendo toward commercial, we see POV winner Marissa having an animated listening session with (apparent single mother of a 12+ month old child, who knew??) Keisha. More HG’s join the conversation, Keisha keeps saying “Do you promise, do you promise? You have no clue what I am going through!”, and all of us viewers are realizing that we probablyyyyyyyyyy missed a story point or two twelve thousand prior to the comp. Keisha: I will do it, but I SWEAR TO GOD if you do not…(and she breaks down crying) Ari then comes in for a hug, and production joyfully decides to commit to this surreally confusing/ seemingly out of absolutely nowhere moment by actually dialing DOWN the outro music to a low background noise, and America realizes that suddenly we will not be going to commercial because we are all flying without a safety net into this spontaneous house meeting. Keisha mumble-cries some more, Omarosa comes back to collect her in support, Ross & Marissa try to reassure the gathering, and CBS finally has to throw it to commercial and bow before McDonald’s promotion of the Egg McMuffin. What. Is. Happening???!!! Back from commercial, we join the living room to hear Marissa start the POV ceremony. For over 40 minutes we’ve been painstakingly steeped in the tedium of every nuanced layer of this bonkers Backdoor Shannon plan, and here, now, FINALLY will be the moment when this ridiculously urgent plan gets kickstarted into blindsiding motion. Marissa: I have decided…NOT to use the Power of Veto (cue audibly loud & thoroughly confused gasp from studio audience) Julie long pauses, then looks to America and says that either Omarosa or Keisha will be going home after commercial. What. Is. Happening??!! Back from commercial, and it’s time for what might be the most unexpectedly crazy set of eviction speeches in BB history. Keisha’s speech: Normally this is a plea to stay but – I’ve fought very hard in this game, and I really wanted to compete and be here with you all, but the truth of the matter is that my breastmilk has continued to deplete since I’ve been here and there’s nothing more important than my baby. So, I apologize, but please use every ounce of compassion that you have to send me home. Also, to James (paraphrased) Shannon Elizabeth is trash. (What.Is. Happening???!) Omarosa’s speech: No man is your friend, no man is your foe, every man is your teacher, and you all have taught me so much. Please make the decision that’s best for…Keisha (cue audible nervous laughter & confusion from studio audience). What. Is. Happening???! Time to vote! Everyone enters the DR, and (even Metta, for the most part) successfully transacts their vote, and unanimously votes Keisha out. In keeping with the entirety of this insane hour of television (Review: Julie’s mocking cough to start the show, all of the machinations of the now-failed Backdoor Shannon plan, the Trump/Pence/DACA/America Is A Mess segment, Metta’s joy with his “ducks”, the crazy POV fallout, and first-ever mention of #BreastmilkDepletion as a part of eviction speeches) the Chenterview continues the curious vibes. Julie acknowledges that her speech was “a very emotional plea, which couldn’t have been easy”, and Keisha goes all in on how “$250,000 is not worth my baby”. A more-than-slightly quizzical Julie/ShadeBot then asks “isn’t she a year plus now?” which triggers a bunch of social media posts among BB fans/alums about when a child is typically weaned off of breast milk (and then had BB alum Rachel Reilly proudly proclaiming on twitter that her kid is 2 years old and still breastfeeding! #SoThere’sThat). Julie then asks about her relationship with Omarosa, and Keisha concedes that she thought she wouldn’t like Omarosa, but knows that they have a sincere bond. And with that, this unexpectedly crazy hour of CBB wraps up. So Keisha essential self-evicts (which has also triggered a lot of reaction). The implications of this Keisha vote (as opposed to a true self-eviction, at any other moment this week) are not necessarily small. In the opinion of some, Keisha made a commitment for 3 weeks to this show, and she should have thought through everything before saying Yes to joining the cast. And on another level, if Keisha concluded she needed to leave the game, she always had 100% agency to simply self-evict, and could have let everyone actually go through with the Backdoor Shannon plan (which will now be incredibly complicated/awkward as the entire house except for Shannon & James were in on the plan, and this news will definitely be found out by everyone very soon). But now, to CBS’s glorious riches, the network somehow managed to miraculously end this eviction night with BOTH Omarosa & Shannon still in the house, Keisha self-evicting out of nowhere, and some very high-stakes HOH & POV comps (and all the drama) now before us. Tune in Wednesday night for the Keisha eviction fallout, for the Backdoor Shannon plans being exposed, for the new HOH comp, and more of Metta’s innocent wonder in our complicated world.
  3. It’s time for the first live eviction of Celebrity BB, y’all! The CBB season has been off to a pretty enjoyable start so far, with these “celebs” actually playing the game right from the jump, which is so great to see after so many summer-campers in recent BB seasons. Our Lady Chenbot greets us on stage in her slimming Friday Night Black Dress (a nice change from her Helen Roper muumuu/bathrobe mess from last night) but perhaps this black dress is being worn to mourn the death of yet another “this time, it’s different!” Female Alliance which is also simultaneously a “this time, it’s different!” More Than Half The House Mega-Alliance – two historically awful Week 1 alliance structures in one does not bode well, people. #BBHistoryFacts But we viewers enjoy watching alliances collapse in an avalanche of self-righteous indignation, overconfident “I’m in power now, so this must mean I’ll be in power forever” arrogance, mission creep, and petty in-fighting, so in the spirit of the opening ceremonies of the PyeongChang Winter Olympics, let the games begin! Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The Celebrity-version of Narrator Dude, fresh off the Julie Chen & Les Moonves high of seeing Celebrity BB being discussed from the podium of the White House Briefing Room this week, chimes in with some Previous’lies: Eleven “famous” people move into the newly glammed BB house (and we all note that Ari is the first one to set foot in the BB house, telling us that since no previous first-one-in houseguest in 25 combined seasons of BB USA & BB Canada has EVER ended up winning the game, we can all confidently know that Almost-Miss Universe will once again not win on a televised competition show) Shannon & Omarosa start a Day 1 Female Alliance! (Doh. RIP El Quatro & SpyGirls. #NeverForget) Shannon impressively wins HOH, but Julie introduces the gift-bagged Re-casting Twist, and American Pie’s jaw drops to the floor Shannon recruits Ross into the Female Alliance, and smartly plays the remaining 4 guys into a false sense of security But Chuck initiates the gift bag twist, prompting the ladies & Ross to get into formation, and little Rudy Huxtable re-casts to become the new HOH and nom’s James & Chuck But (obviously inevitable) cracks in the 7 person Female + Ross alliance begin to form, and the overwhelmingly inevitable showdown between Omarosa & other women seems imminent TONIGHT, “the opening ceremonies of Celebrity Big Brother continue” (Olympic-obsessed @jennknee is clearly writing Narrator Dude’s script this evening), and America wonders: Will the POV save either member of the Celebrators Alliance? Will Baby Jason get a date with Baby Ari? Will anyone in the female alliance acknowledge Ross is actually seated in the room with them? Will Metta learn how to properly enter and exit the DR during a live vote? And will the White House have to address Brandi wearing Omarosa’s clear-heels from the podium of the daily press briefings next week? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For a brilliantly on-point summary of these many plots from the CBB start, make sure to check out @dc20willsave's fantastic musings from the premiere!) We join the proceedings on Day 5 right after Keisha’s nom ceremony, and James & Chuck DR that they are frustrated to be nom’d but will fight for POV, huzzah! Keisha DR’s that she nom’d them both, but that James is her 100% target (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #1, y’all!). Brandi seems to want to compete for the “Vanessa Russo I’m An Un-Self Aware Pot/Kettle” Award with her DR that matter of factly states that James’s ego is too big for the house and he needs to go, so there's that. Up in HOH, all the ladies celebrate with confident glee at how perfectly everything is going (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #2), and they all agree that boy band James is the most awful person in the entire history of the first 5 days of Celebrity BB, and thusly needs to go. Omarosa DR: The women have total control of this game. Now we just have to execute our plan to take each of the guys out one by one. These boys should be very very worried. (BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #3) And sure, I’m full of unearned bravado and have actually never won anything in my life before, but in the spirit of Vanessa Russo, I am an expert in sanctimoniously blaming everyone else for my deficiencies, and on this bedrock strategy I will build my CBB empire. Shannon in HOH: This Week 1 shared HOH is going to be totally successful. (we’re 11 minutes into a two hour broadcast, and are now at BB story editor ironic foreshadowing #4…this doesn’t bode well of the Female Alliance + Ross, methinks) We now zip out to the BB house spacious backyard astroturf narrow corridor for a meeting of the minds between Mark McGrath & nominee James. McGrath wonders where Chuck is, and imagines him in a “Vengeance Is Mine!!!” Beastmode session up in the gym (he is not, as BB shows us that he is #Beastmode snoring in bed, because hello, this is the Big Brother house). Conversation then turns to Mark & James working together (RIP #Celebrators alliance, you had a nice 2 day run!), and Mark says if he wins POV, that he would use it on James. Omarosa and her oddly curious pink onesie roll into the speakeasy parlor and join Rudy Huxtable. It’s seems alleged BB superfan Omarosa realizes that a Day 1 alliance with over half the house never ends well, and she wants to start the Black Girl Magic side-alliance with Keisha. Keisha seems down for it, but instead of simply accepting Keisha’s agreement and talking about next steps, our political veteran Omarosa fast forwards to the end of the game when their BGM alliance will apparently make history by being the Final 2. Uhhhh, OK, thanks! I guess we should all just stop the game now, and turn CBS’s Olympic counter-programming over to the Two Broke Girls. But since we're already here, we may as well play out the next 1:45 minutes of tonight's show and see what happens. Or said another way... “Girl. Settle down. Slow your roll. Playing too big, too quickly, from the start of the season will only come back to bite you.” –BB16 Devin, likely screaming at his television Keisha ponders if the rest of the house assumes that they’d be able to pit Keisha & Omarosa against each other, and Omarosa replies with a bluntly confident “Never.”, and the BB story editors are having a field day with ironic foreshadowing moment #5. It’s time to pick players for POV, and Keisha/Jason/Chuck are joined by Shannon/Ari/Mark for the comp. After names are picked, Keisha pulls Mark aside and asks what he would do if he wins POV. Now Mark seems like a sincerely nice guy, a dude that wants to shoot straight with people and not be shady. That said, he needs to learn how to not lay every single thought he has on any table put before him – read the moment, Sugar Ray! Learn to parse your words & motives a bit. You’re talking way too openly to anyone who asks you a question. Keisha hears him say “I’d probably use POV on Jason”, and in an anger that could only have been equaled if Theo & Cockroach had stolen her allowance money, she DR's that Mark seems shady to her now and that she’d have no problem blowing up his game. Keisha then fakes a workout in the gym with Chuck to let him know that he doesn’t have support among the other guys and he needs to “fight like hell to win the POV” because she wants him to stay in the house. We’re back from commercial and Julie “Hello, Houseguests!” to the houseguests and decides to let them all in on current event headlines (because being “shut off from the outside world” was soooooooooo BB1-BB19). The HG’s seem happy hearing about the Grammys, NBA trades, Kylie Jenner’s birth canal, government shutdowns, and the Eagles upset win in the Super Bowl. Back from the next commercial block, and it’s time for the Veto comp! We zip into the back yard where the “spa” comp of giant noses await them (and Ross Matthews channels his inner-Tiffany Jacob Pun Queen, by musing “it’s a spa with noses, but who nose what’s going on? I have so many nose jokes, it’s hard to aaah-choose which ones to say”). It’s the annual spelling comp, where they have to search thru the snot of the noses to find letter tiles and then the one who spells the longest word wins the comp (while the person who finishes last will have a penalty costume to wear). Lots of stock footage of HG’s slogging thru the grossness unfolds before us, while all of America wonders if native-Colombian Ari is actually at an understandable spelling disadvantage since English is not her native language. Her word ends up being “W-A-I-N-G” (an attempt to spell “warning”), as lots of HG’s politely smile and DR joke that it’s a good thing she’s so sweet and pretty. While I’m sure CBS legal is 1000% joyfully consumed with the Mueller Investigation and eagerly awaiting the moment that Omarosa gets subpoenaed as a direct result of something said on the live feeds, Ari’s lawyers should probably at least make a phone call to try and get a do-over comp having HG's spell words in either English or Spanish. More HG words are revealed, and the comp beast named Shannon Elizabeth spells a BB record 16-lettered word “responsibilities” (Wow. Seriously. The word box had no more room, she used all the spaces!) and wins her 2nd comp in 4 days. Ari (excuse: she doesn’t speak English as her first language), and James (excuse: he’s just an idiot) tie for last place and will have to wear a baby costume & bottle for the next 2 days. Back from commercial, and Julie coyly teases, “Who would have ever believed that an alliance formed on Day 1 would begin to unravel?” Ok, y’all, fasten your seatbelts for more of the awful spirit of Vanessa Russo to work its magic into CBB gameplay collapse. Up in HOH the ladies + Ross celebrate that they won POV and control everything. Keisha, who had been playing a relatively smart/strong/thoughtful game up to this point, suddenly decides that she wants Shannon to use the POV to pull Chuck down (what?), and then put Mark up as replacement “to send him a message” that the women notice his maleness strategizing in a house (huh?), only to then still vote James out. Ross (understandably) explains that a plan to get-blood-on-our-hands-for-the-sake-of-blood-on-our-hands makes absolutely no sense, if James is still the one being voted out. Their alliance has the block of votes that it needs to execute the James objective, done and done. So why should they risk making more of a mess, just because they feel so comfortable this week? Omarosa seems a bit sketched out by Ross’s (admittedly, rational) challenging of Keisha’s proposal, which definitely adds a bit of unexpected Vanessa-like tension to the room. But then Shannon enters the HOH room, and the dial gets turned to 11… Shannon starts to talk about possible plans/usage of the POV, and in doing so, frames the implications in terms of the guys being mad at her. Omarosa, the model of absolute personal sacrifice and altruistically selfless behavior, perks up and stares Shannon down with, “I’m just going to say this because I love you, but you’re talking ME ME ME ME, and there’s an alliance here, and I don’t think you are listening to the group.” Omarosa’s sanctimonious DR: Shannon keeps saying ME ME ME, what’s best for “MY” game, but the more I see Shannon focusing on just her game and getting herself further in this game, THAT’S not really good for MY long term, and I always have to look out for ME. I mean, sure, to the objective listener this could sound like incredibly self-absorbed doublespeak, like I’m a White House-credentialed Vanessa Russo overdosing on sanctimony pills, but I assure you, I’m the most selfless person you will ever meet. Back to HOH, Shannon apologizes to the entire room and concedes that her use of terminology was not appropriately acknowledging of their alliance. Keisha then states that “We always said we wanted to stick together as women…”, as the camera hysterically cuts to a quizzical look from non-woman Ross (but Omarosa decides to let that non-inclusive terminology slip by Keisha slide). But Keisha continues in the Woman Power speech (sorry, Ross!) by saying, “Let’s not lose sight of what we look to accomplish. We have our children looking at us, we have other little girls aspiring to be where we are looking at us, so let’s just let the best woman win.” Ross hysterically DR’s: HELLO!!! I’m over here! May the best woman win??! Back in HOH room, Shannon again apologizes to the group and publically states that she is with them and she is sorry. The toxic spirit of Vanessa Russo then infects Shannon, and she starts to cry out of absolutely nowhere, leading most of the women to immediately get up and hug her in affirming support, while Ross Mathews hysterically plays the role of America and watches in utter confusion as to why everyone in the alliance is suddenly crying. Ross DR: I want to hug her. I want to hug her so hard. But I also want to say GIRLLLLLLLLLL, PULL IT TOGETHER!!!! That sound you hear is a construction crew building a monument to Ross Mathews next to his star on the Palm Springs Walk of Fame. He speaks for us all. We now join Ross and Marissa in the astroturf hallway backyard, and Ross acknowledges that he does not trust his alliance at all and knows he is being used by the women, not valued by them. He shares with Marissa that sitting in a room and being discounted like that is something that happens to him all the time throughout his life, and Marissa suddenly feels badly about not speaking up during the meeting. Marissa DR’s that she understands when they say “A woman to the end” in his presence that they are marginalizing him, and that she wants the CBB house to model an inclusively acknowledging community, and she feels shocked/saddened that they are not doing so. Ross shares with her that he will smile it away for the next few evictions, but that they “will know when the time comes to do what we need to do.” Dun, dun, duhhhhhhhhhhh… Back from commercial, and it’s time for Ari & James to get their baby costumes. They have to wear the costumes for 2 days and suck on their bottle whenever BB plays the crying baby sound. James also tries to use this moment to suggest a baby showmance with Ari, and all of America throws up their Friday night dinner before Ari thankful shoots him down. Over in the kitchen, Ross pulls Shannon aside and helps her see that using her POV power will only create more of a target on her back. Shannon says that she wants to do what HOH Keisha wants, but she is starting to see how the use of POV to save Chuck and attempt to “scare” Mark has little upside to either her own game, or the alliance objective to get Jason out (esp since the ladies + Ross voting block alone determines who gets evicted). The Ross & Shannon meeting ends with Shannon wanting to have one last meeting with Keisha to clarify that they don’t need to curiously save Chuck right now and make a bigger mess in order to vote James out. So we move to the bedroom where Shannon makes the case to Keisha (and Omarosa) to simply walk a straight line to get James out without the extra Veto activity. Keisha passive-aggressively concedes the point to Shannon, while self-righteously DR’ing that she’s annoyed that Shannon will not follow thru with the alliance’s wishes (well, it wasn’t exactly the full alliance’s wishes, just largely Omarosa & Keisha’s wishes, but like most people in BB and in life, when you are filled with an arrogant confidence of being bulletproof with temporary power, you aren’t much interested in factual details). Shannon DR’s that she does not know what’s going on in an allegedly solid alliance when you can’t even express your opinion as the POV holder without being attacked, and Brandi animates in the DR that she is wearing Omarosa’s clear heels as her own clear heels, revealing this alliance is breaking off into such an obvious scientifically-certified entropy that even “scientist” & Vegas cocktail girl Rachel Reilly could identify it. Omarosa then voices to Shannon and the ladies that “if we don’t make big moves early, we may not get a chance to later…this is a chess game” (as BB story editor ironic foreshadowing moment #5648 stands up and says hello in tonight’s episode -- #PendingBlindside). Back from commercial and we visit the backyard where Omarosa & Shannon meet alone to discuss the state of play. Shannon explains that the keep-nom’s-the-same plan was presented to her by someone in the alliance. Omarosa, after first asking if this plan was presented by the same dignified lady that stole her clear heels, tries to pump Shannon up by saying that no one knows BB better than the 2 of them, and “shock and awe’ing” Mark is the best thing to do (actually, it’s not, but thanks for your histrionics, Omarosa). Omarosa then shares with Shannon that Keisha has already talked to Chuck, and this definitely stresses Shannon out, after the whole I/Me/I/Me Vanessa-like righteousness in the HOH room. Shannon shares that Keisha talking to Chuck without first telling the group seems very I/Me-like in behavior, and that this is no bueno. The spirit of Vanessa Russo once again descends into the CBB House (production really should have exorcised the place of Vanessa’s evil by now), and Shannon starts to break down crying again. She literally buries herself in her blanket of tears (oh no, it’s the spirit of Audrey!), and Omarosa DR’s that Shannon is becoming “completely unhinged” (which is super fun coming from a woman who was allegedly led out of the White House by security on the day she was fired), and she wonders if Shannon is stable enough to be in an alliance with her. This is all just so rich. People who lack any self-awareness are just the absolute best. POV Ceremony time, and Shannon decides to not rock the boat unnecessarily, and keeps the nom’s the same, guaranteeing that the ill-named Celebrators alliance will not survive CBB. As if her circa 1986 playtime TV friend Bud took all of her cookies, Rudy Huxtable is not happy. Back from commercial, Julie visits with BB winners, Ian, Derick, Nicole, and Josh. Lawman Derick loves that Omarosa apparently did not sign a nondisclosure agreement when she left/was removed (details!) from the White House, and loves that they are all playing BB so hard right from the start. Josh thinks if he were in the house, he’d be going crazy like Metta, and also loves how much gameplay there’s been in just 3 episodes. Nicole rather astutely shares that Shannon is unnecessarily playing too boldly (winning multiple comps, and spelling a record 16-letter word when a 10-letter word likely would have been sufficient for a POV comp which she in no way needed to win). Ian and Derrick share that a bloated alliance is not ideal, especially if you are seen as the leader of the alliance where you become the most visible target for others to go after. Rooting consensus to win CBB among them seems to be some combination of Ross, Shannon, or Marissa, much to the audience’s approval. Back from commercial, and after over 95 minutes of “We Hate James! Let’s Evict James!” narrative, a blindside seems to be sprouting from the broken soil of the All Female + Ross alliance. Shannon and Ross conclude that neither of them trust Omarosa, and that they find it a bit sketchy that Keisha seems to have made a deal with Chuck and seems mysteriously determined to keep him safe and vote James out. Shannon DR’s that there’s already a huge target on her back, and that making the much-discussed BB Big Move – to make a house-flip deal with James and vote to keep him, and blindsiding Omarosa/Keisha/Chuck with a Chuck eviction – might be what she & Ross need to course correct the path after the alliance is formally destroyed. Ross & Shannon pull Brandi, Ari, and Marissa together to discuss the vote flip to keep James and evict Keisha’s boy Chuck. None of them are necessarily huge fans of how Omarosa & Keisha have run their alliance, and it appears that an amazing last-second vote-flipping blindside may just rear its head! Back from commercial, and it’s time to vote! Will there be a blindside, or will this be another BB production tease?? Brandi: VTE….Chuck! (Wow, the blindside is apparently a go!) Ari: VTE Chuck! Omarosa: VTE “my dear friend James” (Rut-roh, you’re goin’ down, girl!) Ross: VTE Chuck! Metta: It’s honestly not clear what the Panda Bear does, as he hysterically enters the room before Ross has left, then sits down and starts talking/explaining something about his vote before Julie & production have even turned his mic on, and eventually says “I vote Chuck” and leaves the DR (NOTE: on the feeds today, he vehemently denied voting to evict Chuck, but instead said that he voted to keep Chuck safe, but none of us heard anything because BB only had Julie’s mic on, and Julie actually never asked him who he was “evicting” like she did with everyone else…so there’s that.) Marissa: VTE Chuck! Its official, the blindside is complete!! Shannon: VTE Chuck! Mark: VTE Chuck! Julie announces that by a vote of 7-1, Chuck is evicted from the CBB house. Keisha is shocked, Omarosa is stonecold, and Ross & Shannon have a satisfied look of an accomplished mission. In the Chenterview, Chuck seems to have sensed that a last-minute vote switch was in motion, and wondered if the gift bag gambit may have hurt him. He said he laughed a lot in house, even had fun with the avocado masks and the press-on nails, but that he actually wanted to be on Amazing Race with his wife as partner, which then leads the wife of the President of CBS Network to say “I think you got a good shot”. So he and wifey can have that to look forward to sometime soon. Julie discusses with him that he’ll be back on finale night as a member of the CBB jury, but (in an old-school shoutout to BB1-BB3) that the jury will not be sequestered, so he can go home and watch the episodes & live feeds to inform his vote. He says that he’ll vote for the person who he feels played the best game, so it looks like he won’t be a bitter juror. Good for him. So that’s it for the first eviction, fun to see a blindside on the first week! Tune in for the Sunday episode to see who won the new HOH comp last night (and who ended up going to the hospital!), and on Monday night for a live POV comp & eviction (I’ll be back for the Monday eviction recap!). Post-blindside, there was a ton of chaos on the feeds, so CBS may need to rig a Paul-like Friendship Bracelet (or perhaps something more hysterically on-point for the desired network buzz, a “CBS President Moonves Pardon Bracelet”?) to keep Omarosa safely rigged in the game this week. Here’s to the start of a great CBB season of actual HG’s playing the game!
  4. Love Your Hamster Watchers

    Before the insanity of The Paul Show ended, I also wanted to give HUGE shoutouts to everyone (the admins, the writers, the readers) who make HT such an amazing (and very needed!) landing spot for our BB consumption. This is such an amazing community, I really am thankful for you all.. Enjoy the finale tonight, see y'all for the Celebrity BB life that awaits us this winter!
  5. Genius! I want you to write all the things, @thunderstruck! Brava.
  6. It’s DOUBLE EVICTION NIGHT, y’all! And after some lame predictable DE episodes in recent seasons (including the not-too-surprising DE’s of Cody & Elena earlier this year), our lady in red Julie Chen (who ditched the crazy raccoon sleeves from last week, and is All Sleeveless All The Time tonight), promises that tonight could be a Blindside Festival. From your lips to the BB gods ears, Julie. Let’s do this. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! The hyped-up Narrator Dude, apparently fresh off a cocktail of coffee & 5 Hour Energy Drinks, prattles on about how stupid this house has been this week: One-legged Christmas wins a racing comp and became HOH Christmas wants to bust up Alex & Jason, and Paul is 10000% on board to mastermind the plan Alex & Jason think Kevin is the target, and volunteer to Pawn it up as Nom’s, while Christmas laughs at their stupidity in the DR The wayyyyyyy-too-comfortable Paul continues to troll the entire house about how he is probably the secret backdoor target this week, prompting The Clue to walk in and give Josh oracle-level powers to 1) see thru Paul’s ridiculousness, and 2) start to voice to others how Paul is super-shady Sadly, no one wants to hear Josh’s crystal clarity on how Paul is bamboozling everyone Shady Paul wins POV, pulls Alex off the block, and Kevin goes up as the re-nom to mask the potential Jason blindside (as Jason DR’s “I now know all my worrying was for nothing because Kevin is going home. It probably doesn’t get any better than being a part of a team with Paul and Alex” – seriously. He said this. #IDIOT) TONIGHT, will the rodeo clown ride off to jury house? Will Josh’s redemption narrative continue? Will pawn-nominee Kevin be able to call off his mob hits in time? Will Raven announce a dozen more attention-seeking ailments to steal thunder from the double evictions? And everyone grab a seat because JULIE HAS A SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WHAT COULD IT BE?????!!!!!! Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For a brilliantly on-point summary of “why these people are idiots”, please make sure to check out the always fun @gforce ‘s recap from Wednesday’s show.) Julie & her bright red dress (perhaps a warning to her minions on staff security that the chaos tonight will be Code Red levels of tear-stained crazy) tell us that we are less than two weeks away from the ending of this Titanic meets the Hindenburg-level mess of a season known as The Paul Show. But Julie also warns us that after a season of “plotting, scheming, and steering the ship” this season, Paul’s fellow roommates may finally (FINALLY!!!!!!) be slowlyyyyyyyyyy picking up on the whiff of a faint whisper of a hint that Paul mayyyyyy not always be exactly what he says he is when he wheels and deals with every single HG. Julie openly wonders that with a DE episode tonight, if someone (translation: if PR-redemption-story-in-the-making JOSH) might just take a shot at him. Oh Julie. God bless you and your Double Eviction night tease. But get ready, y’all. Because on tonight’s show There Will Be Blood Tears. Lots of ‘em. Tears in the hot tub, tears in the diary room, tears in the diary room during the live voting, tears in the nomination and POV ceremonies, tears during eviction, tears throughout America as we watch this season – it’s a sobby mess all over, people. And so we zoom back to Day 76 in the BB house, as Paul closes the POV box, fresh from pulling Alex down, and getting Kevin re-nom’ed to sit next to Jason. Christmas DR’s that everything is going according to plan, and comments that it’s weird how Alex & Jason (of the “we have a Final 3 deal with Paul so we know we are perfectly safe” Alex & Jason’s currently in the house) still seem so unphased by what is going on. Christmas then states, “I really just hope the house can stay calm all the way until Thursday, when we send Cowboy to jury”, and America wonders if Christmas has ever watched an episode of Big Brother before. Kevin DR’s that he is confused as to what is going on, wonders if he’s the tahhhget, and says that he’s probably going to jury on Thursday, and America wonders if Kevin will start blinking out codes to his “family” on the live feed cameras to begin sending “bottled water” to the families of those who cast votes against him this week. Alex DR-shouts: “Kevin is going home! I have literally been dying for this moment and now it’s actually going to happen!”, and America 1) wonders if Alex knows the definition of the word “literally”, or 2) wonders that if Alex is actually literally dying, that she better not tell Raven, as Raven will straight-up jealously murder her for trying to take her spot as the House Ailment. The Master of the House Paul then DR’s: “This could not have gone any better. If Kevin is uncomfortable, that means Alex is comfortable, and if Alex is comfortable, then that means Jason is comfortable. And then come eviction night – BLINDSIDE!”, and America continues to wonder if all of these houseguests are too stupid to function in actual society. Paul then DR’s to us his multi-point strategy to get Jason out with his blood-free hands: 1) Win the POV and take Alex off the block, and 2) convince Josh & Christmas that Paul voting to save Alex and making a 2-2 tie (which Christmas would break as HOH, thereby dunking both her hands in a bucket of blood by sending Jason home) makes the most sense for everyone (WHAT??!!!). We now flashback to two days earlier when Paul, Christmas, and Josh meet in HOH and Paul presents the My Hands Are Allergic To Blood Hey, Blood Looks Beautiful On Your Hands plan, to which Christmas dismissively exclaims, “I’m totally fine with taking the heat!” (as Josh amusingly side-eyes her unnecessarily risky statement with a “that’s the dumbest thing I have heard all week, and I am currently living in a house with Raven” expression). We then flash back to one day earlier when Paul lays down the plan to Josh that Raven & Josh will VTE Jason, and that Paul & Alex will VTE Kevin, and Christmas and her bloody hands will VTE Jason and send him to jury. This plan meets Paul’s objective of 1) getting rid of Jason, forcing now-solo Alex into the Final 5-awaiting arms of Paul, 2) and keeps his hands clean of this mess in the eyes of Alex because he will have voted to save Alex’s ride-or-die Jason, and 3) get all the mess on Christmas, because Paul doesn’t care who gets caught in the crossfire of his gun-slinging, as long as it's not him. We now visit the hot tub, where the opening act of Big Brother Double Eviction Weep Fest 2017 is about to begin. Jason and Josh are relaxing, and the about-to-be-blindsided Jason shares that he feels bad that his pal Kevin is about to be kicked out. Josh, come on buddy, keep it together dude…America is slowly coming around on you (OK, perhaps only going from “we really really really cannot stand you!” to “we really cannot stand you!”, but its progress!! And we know you may be our only hope to get Paul out before Final 3!). But this will be a super-long hour of your life if you can’t handle this very simple conversation. So please, Josh – Handle. Yo. Bidness. Play it cool. Or……revert back to Josh Is A Crying Baby that America hated from Day 3 of BB19. Ugh. Josh’s watery hands find his watery eyes, and Jason asks, “What’s wrong, what are you worried about?”, and he mumbles about “hurting”, and then says “Hey, don’t tell nobody I had a moment”, which is just as ridiculous as Raven telling someone “Hey, don’t tell nobody that I wear an unhealthy amount of makeup”, and so we’ll just move on from this nonsense. Julie now takes us live to the living room where she (for once) surprises the HG’s by telling them that it’s a Double Eviction Night, and it’s time to get to voting! Jason (of the “I’m a 100% Pawn, I’m Almost As Comfortable As Paul” Jason’s still in the house), gives the generically bland speech that many pre-blindside eviction pawns before him have given over the years, and Kevin (of the “I Am Dressed To Kill This Evening, And Yes, I May Have Worn This Suit While Once Killing Someone” Kevin’s still in the house) gives a shoutout to his kids starting the school year, and thanks Julie for being a gracious host for the season (he may be a in the mob, but he’s a polite mobster). Julie kicks off the live voting… Alex: I vote to evict Kevin. Raven: I vote to evict Jason. Paul: My bloodless hands vote to evict Kevin. Also, the houseguests this year are complete idiots. Josh: Julie…(beginning of sobs)…I sadly vote to…(growing sobs)…evict….(volcanic sobs are building, this is unprecedented during a live vote in the DR)…JASON…(and there he blows, the sob is now a full blown weep fest, as Julie simply replies “Thank You”, and prays that Josh can somehow manage to get up and leave the DR without collapsing onto the DR floor and require psychiatric assistance to get back into the living room). Julie announces that the vote is tied. Jason is shocked and confused and immediately shoots panicked glances across the room, but no one will look at him. The maybe-safe Kevin nervously keeps playing with the rings on his fingers in a distinct pattern, as if to let the “family” in Boston know in code that the “bottled waters” may not need to be sent to the houseguests’ closest relative tonight as previously planned. As Josh buries is eyes in handfuls of Kleenex, Christmas must now stand to cast the tie-breaking vote, and amid tears and broken voice of her own, votes to evict the man who broke her leg and ruined her career as a fitness competitor Jason from BB. Jason now A) returns to the calm level-headed guy that he is, takes this shocking turn of events well, graciously hugs his friends and thanks Alex for playing alongside him for 3 months, and then wishes them well while promising they all have a place to stay in Iowa if they visit the Midwest, or B) channels his inner-Cody, and stomps out in soberingly overwhelming shock without giving word or eye-contact to anyone. If you naively guessed “A”, then congratulations, Paul has an alliance he wants to have you be a part of. Jason is PISSED OFF, Y’ALL!!! Before the Chen-terview starts, we imagine every member of the CBS Live TV Censor Staff scrambling to put 2 hands on every censor button in the control room, some being prepared to simply cut Jason’s mic if he starts dropping F-bombs all over the soundstage, while others are prepared to take the CBS network to a blackout screen if Jason throws his chair into the HDTV monitors during the goodbye messages, smears blood as war paint onto his face, and screams “IN THE NAME OF WHISTLENUT & OLE, NO ONE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE!!!!”. Since CBS security needs a few more moments to make sure Julie’s exit routes out of the stage are clearly marked for her, the camera takes us back into the house where Josh is weep-mumbling, Alex is dazed, Christmas pensively processes, Kevin matter-of-factly changes out of his suit & tie and into his HOH comp gear while standing in the middle of the kitchen, and Paul loudly oversells his I-Had-No-Idea-What-Was-Happening persona by stammering “IF I WERE ON THE BLOCK, I WOULD HAVE BEEN EVICTED!!! YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME TO ME, WOULDN’T YOU, JOSH?!!”, all while we in America collectively decide that we’d totally look the other way if an already brittle & hyper-emotional Josh took his pots and pans and started to beat Paul to death on live TV. Josh may well not be the hero we want. But he may end up being the hero we need to save us from the self-important mess that is The Paul Show. He may be our only hope. Julie’s soundstage appears to now be secure, and so Julie begins her questioning. Jason confirms to Julie that this was 100% unexpected, and that he is BLINDSIDED. He states that the house if full of counterfeits, and that he wants to go back in the house for 5 minutes of hugs expressing himself in some violence, and Julie coyly says that for the safety of the HG’s it would not be wise for him to go into the house, and more directly says that such a return is not “allowed”, as if to snuff out any fight-or-flight “fight” instinct that was brewing as Jason leered toward the front door. She asked him what he thought happened, and he rambles about friends being unfaithful to him, how he had a Final 3 deal w/Paul & Alex, it’s all so confusing, blah blah blah blah, and Julie finally puts him (and us) out of our misery and cues up the goodbye messages: Awful Alex: Jason, if you are seeing this, we got blindsided (Jason stoically stares) Awful-earlier-but-now-possible hero Josh: Jason, this is one of the hardest moves I’ve made in this house. Paul came up with an elaborate plan to vote you out, I’ve been in a Final 3 alliance w/Christmas & Paul, hopefully you can respect the game move (Jason is now rocking in his chair, ready to punch anyone who says either Paul’s name or the word Meatball, and Julie’s security team is likely standing on the stage ready to shoot Jason with a tranquilizer gun at Julie’s command – but the picture is coming into focus for our idiot Pawn, and he ain’t happy). Awful Paul: Jason, if you are seeing this video, then you left me in the house with a bunch of lying counterfeits. I’ll do my best to go as far as I can with Alex, keep cheering us on (Jason shoots Paul a death-stare that we’ve previously only seen any time someone told Raven that they also had a difficult life story – suffice to say Jason is raging right now at Paul’s message, which BB production cleverly/manipulatively cued up to follow Josh’s outing of Paul’s shadiness). As Paul’s fake video of fakery ends, the audience lets out an audible gasp as they watch Jason realize that Paul has been lying to him. Julie asks him what he thinks about what he has just heard, and Jason throws Paul under all the busses in all the traffic in all the places, and then suggests where Paul can stick his Friendship bracelets. And with that, the next member of Bitter Jury 2017 gets his card punched. Julie greets us back from commercial, and it’s time for HOH. It’s a True-False quiz called “Fake News”, using headlines of BB19 house events that may or may not have happened. She’ll read 7 headlines, and the person with the most correct answers wins. And in keeping with many years of BB karma, the just-nominated Alex rebounds to win HOH. As if BB production were (finally?) turning on Paul, Julie commands that they all go into the living room for immediate nominations before commercial break! Paul, without any chance to use the commercial break to pull Alex aside and engineer his will on her, must sit and wonder if he may get nom’d by the now-bitter Alex. But Alex takes the easy way out, and nominates two people who had little to do with neither her nomination last week, nor the eviction of her ride-or-die Jason – she nom’s Kevin & Raven, while Paul, Josh, and Christmas just stare innocently at the carpet. Oh well. But hey, do you, Alex. Time for POV comp, and it’s a variation on the much used “clown shoe” ball pit comp, where HG’s need to find an item in a ball pit and race back and forth. This year’s version requires the HG’s to find large green balls (limes) in the ball pit, and race to back up the platform to drop a lime into a giant tube – first person to 4 limes in the tubes wins the comp. And don’t worry, y’all – Christmas is 100% medically cleared to play this comp which requires running up & down wooden steps in a race, proving that after her one-legged self was cleared to win a racing comp last week, that the BB medical staff joins America in no longer caring who lives or dies in this season. They start the comp, there’s a lot of back & forth, and the ball-drop portion of the comp shows itself to be much more difficult than likely even production guessed it would be, as only about 25% of the balls seem to be going in. And so after a lot of mania, the rising hero Josh gets his limes dropped in and wins the POV. Back from commercial, Julie scrambles everyone into the living room for the POV ceremony (and humorously, nominee Raven is the proverbial hot mess in her comp clothes and wearing Cereal Boy’s sleeveless shirt, while nominee Kevin – in the middle of the of actual POV ceremony – is seated in the nomination chair and changing back into his suit; getting dressed up is important to Kevin, and he even works to get his designer silk neckwear game looking perfect, because #MobTie). POV winner Josh emotionally huffs for a bit, but thankfully manages to not break down crying mid-ceremony. Paul is looking really nervous, as everyone joyfully wonders if Josh may use POV, and if Paul may be the PERFECT re-nom pick to efficiently vote out on a double eviction night. But sadly, Josh decides to not use the POV, an audible sadness is heard from the studio audience, and we now know that the resident Mob Boss or the Human Ailment will be sent to jury tonight. It’s time to vote, and by a vote of 2-1, Raven gets sent to the Chen-terview. On her way out the door, Raven is a bawling mess, as Josh keeps saying “I’m so sorry, Raven, I’m so sorry Raven”, while other HG’s are scrambling to jury massage her with hugs that she does not want. She bee-lines out the door, replies “No you’re not!” to Josh’s final plea of “I’m sorry, Raven!”, and just when we think that Raven’s interview with Julie may be the most tear-filled Chen-terview in history, we see the psychotically unstable Raven bound out of the house doing cartwheels and legkicks because, in the words of Bailey Gambill, #SheCrazy. As Julie’s stage minions make sure that the giant nets and straightjackets are ready should Raven swing into a Glenn Close delirium if a member of the studio audience starts coughing and dare take attention away from Raven , we zip back into the house where Alex is staring into the mysterious darkness of a 2 liter of Coke, Kevin is now changing out of his suit & #MobTie in the middle of the kitchen, and we see the weight of the DE episode completely collapse onto Josh as he goes into the apple room and implodes into a fit of outloud weeping. It’s time for Julie’s questions, and while the interview was short, it thankfully maintained the similar Check-Yo’Self tone that Julie doled out to Raven’s idiot partner Matt one week ago. Julie: Raven, are you shocked they evicted you over Kevin? Raven: Ummm, Yes and No, I mean I understand why they are keeping Kevin around, I mean there’s not much going on there, and with my life story, I’m sure no one would want to bring me to Final 2! Julie (her head clearly overloading on all of Raven’s nonsense, and hysterically needing a moment to even know where to begin trying to respond to Raven’s self-important answer): Well, OK…we just heard you criticize Kevin for not being the best competitor…but…let’s talk about your game – you cuddled up with Matt all summer…(long pause)…I assume you came in here to…play the game…but honestly…we didn’t really see you play the game. Raven (in full-on crazy person mode): I think I played the game VERY WELL, I had Paul in my corner, I threw competitions for Paul, Matt & I had a great social game, so I have no regrets. Julie (wondering why even minimal self-awareness stubbornly refuses to find Raven): Well OK…uhh, there you go. You’re off to the jury house now, we’ll see you on finale night. Back from commercial, and IT’S TIME FOR JULIE’S SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. She starts by telling us that we can prepare for two eviction shows next week (Wed & Thurs) as the Final 5 whittles down to Final 3. She then teases a trailer for The Revengers (which will be a part of Sunday’s annual comic book POV comp) where we see a bunch of BB has-beens dressed as super heroes. But as if knowing that BB Nation mistaking this teaser as JULIE’S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT would likely end up breaking twitter in a disappointed rage, Julie calms us all down and says that our seeing BB alums in costumes is NOT the big announcement… Julie now takes center stage, and announces that for the first time ever, CBS will host a Celebrity Big Brother season this winter. We in BB Nation seem hopefully intrigued by this news provided that 1) CBS can first define what they mean by “celebrity”, 2) that CBS promises us that “celebrity” and “past BB houseguests” are not synonymous terms, and 3) that the BB fan base is prepared to see “stars” of canceled CBS Fall 2017 shows to be the first people named as Celebrity BB Houseguests. And so here we are, the final days of The Paul Show are upon us. Admittedly, if Paul manages to make Final 2, then I’d suggest that he needs to (and deserves to) win. But until we get to F2, I will be rooting for Paul to get got (perhaps by Josh??), as this practically Shakespearean late-game shocker might actually help save this otherwise boringly predictable season. Until then, please come back for the Sunday recap shenanigans from @copssister. And to all those in the path of Hurricane Irma, I echo @ScrambledLegs ‘s wish for you be find safety and strength in the days ahead. Peace, BB fans.
  7. It’s Thursday night. My TV is dialed into CBS, ready for Big Brother. Julie greets us on center stage. We can always count on her. She seems happy, and I am glad for her. She’s a crazy Chenbot, but she’s our Chenbot, and she deserves to be happy. BUT FIRST ...BUT WAIT… The camera zooms in and we get a closer look at Julie… Someone call animal control! Because something from the CBS show which follows BB – the animals-attack drama “Zoo” – has somehow attacked Julie and seems to be devouring her forearms on live network television! Wait, what’s that you say? The producers of “Zoo” made a bet with Julie’s stylists that if this season produced the worst & most unlikeable cast since the nightmare of BB15, that they’d get to dress Julie in an outfit that would frighten anyone who didn’t burn their eyes out during the eclipse? Oh OK, got it. Her outfit makes perfect sense now. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude averts his eyes from Julie’s soon to be eaten limbs and gives us some summaries: Mark gets evicted, but Alex & Jason threw in some hinky votes against Matt Kevin senses that he might get falsely pinned for one of the rogue votes, and insists that “I voted for Mahhhhk, I voted for Mahhhhk!” to go home Jason won HOH and nominates the last of the BB Summercamp lovers, Matt & Raven, telling them they were pawns and that Kevin was the backdoor target HOH Jason then also won the POV, but refused to put Kevin OTB, keeping his pawn nom’s the same, and triggering Raven into a hyper-weepy cryfest in the DR, which even always-crying Mark would find a bit excessive TONIGHT, the post-POV ceremony fallout is thoughtfully discussed in an emotionally mature adult manner (or the exact opposite of that), and Maven will finally be broken up! We also pay our first visit to Jury House! Will BB try to leverage the trending topic of Hurricane Harvey and rain out an HOH comp for the first-time ever? And will Christmas be medically cleared to win the “Ready Set Go” HOH that in the past required HG’s to use all their arms & legs to play? Will Julie fight back against the raccoons currently eating her arms? And will Kevin tell us more stories from the day he learned how to efficiently use a toothbrush as a hairbrush (#LifeHack)? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother’s Thursday Night Fights! (For some summary highlights of the now annual THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS house destroying POV comp, please make sure to check out @MrsGryn’s gift of snark from Wednesday’s show.) Julie and her arm fur tell us that it is Day 72 in this year’s disaster, which means there are only 20 days left in BB19. Julie warns us that HOH Jason has made a lot of enemies this week, and emotions are hot. She kicks things off by saying that after weeks of coasting on a combination of horrible gameplay and cereal, that the reality of GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER is starting to set in for Maven. We pick things up after the POV ceremony, and we find that Jason is not a popular dude for going against the house and keeping nom’s the same. He returns the POV box to the storeroom and decides to stay for an extra minute or two twenty in an effort to avoid the raving lunatic Raven wailing outside. Alex DR’s that things would have been so much easier if Jason would have just put up Kevin. But since Jason is her loyal Ride-or-Die, and they have been through so much together, she states “we’re going to have to fight people now. But I’m about to put on my boxing gloves, because it’s about to go down!” And sure enough, “it” showed up. And “it” went down. Let’s cue up Round 1 of the Thursday Night Fights on CBS. We gather in the kitchen, where Matt channels his inner-1989-Madonna, and decides to express himself hey-hey-hey-hey. Matt sees that Jason has quit playing hide & seek in the store room, and (as Kevin stands 5 feet away ironically eating a bowl of cereal) Matt begins to blow up at Jason for not keeping his word and pulling Raven off the block. Raven screams how absolutely WRONG it was for Jason to be sneaky in Big Brother, exclaiming “Don’t pull the wool over everyone’s eyes, and be two-faced about it! I mean this is Big Brother, not my mom talking about her one-mile racing records in Arkansas, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE IN HERE!!! Raven self-righteously continues: You could have said “You know what, I want one of you out”, and then the 2 of us could have spent more time together, instead of you pulling my leg! Because didn’t you hear, I have restless knee, and my mom told me that Dr. Google said that people with my condition should not have their legs pulled! There’s a lot more hysterics from Raven, a lot more “Are you kidding me, bro? Are you kidding me, bro?!” frat-tastic rhetoricals from Matt, and lots of I-Wish-I-Could-Make-This-Stop stuttering replies from Jason, while we get quick check-in’s to Geppetto Paul laughing in the bathroom about how this house of Pinocchio’s so easily moves to his pulled strings. More fighting, more yelling, more screaming, lather, rinse, repeat. But Cowboy Jason can hear the trumpets of the cavalry coming to his rescue, as his 100% loyal Ride-or-Die partner Alex comes into the kitchen to join the fray. She tells Matt & Raven that they were not actually hiding in the store room earlier, and that they should all talk it out now. And then Matt (who now is apparently 100% ready to throw his game away for a crazy person he has known for 70 days!) decides he wants to help Raven further her game by exposing some other people. So Matt asks the kitchen crowd, “Jason and Kevin, y’all were the votes for me, right?” Kevin: No, I voted to get Mahhhhk out. That’s 100%, on my children, I voted Mahhhhk out. A few more people go around the horn saying that they too voted Mahhhhk Mark out… …but Jason’s 100% loyal Ride-or-Die Alex decides to go to the fridge for a bottle of water. So Matt specifically asks Alex who she voted for, she pauses (for an eternity of “maybe I’m more of a ‘Ride-or-Stay-Until-Things-Become-Inconvenient-For-Me’ alliance partner?” internal dialogue) and finally declares (LIES) that she voted for Mark to be evicted (as Jason does a double triple quadruple quintuple-take at Alex’s lie that now leaves Jason blowing in the wind by himself). Matt then asks Jason who he voted for last week, and Jason actually confirms that he indeed voted to keep Mark and to evict Matt. More yelling and screaming about how someone is lying (as we get a quick shot of Alex sipping her beverage of Ride-or-Lie while faux-innocently staring at the ground), and lots of talk from Raven about how loyal she is to everyone, including her Ride-or-Die Matt. All of this leads to the inevitable DR from Alex: Yeah, I was the 2nd vote against Matt last week, but there is no way I can admit that right now and jump into the pit with Jason! I need to stay out of this fight because I don’t want a target on my back, too! I mean, I just met Jason for the first time a few days ago, it’s not like we have been knowingly working together for 3 months, or that he refers to me as his “BB wife”! We’re really just acquaintances! And with that, Julie and her raccoon sleeves take us to commercial, because these days America needs to pace itself on self-righteous screaming on our television, and Julie needs to have a few confused words with her clothing stylists. Back from commercial, and it’s time for Round 2 of the Thursday Night Fights on CBS. We now zoom into the kitchen, when Alex, Matt, Kevin, Josh, and Christmas all discuss how crazy the fight with Matt & Raven went, while Paul (also seated with them) internally reflects how predictable life in 2017 is when you can successfully get different factions of people warring against each other, and then simply step back and watch them destroy each other as you count your money. The conversation continues, but Paul does notice that Kevin is getting up to stretch his legs in the backyard. Paul quickly takes house attendance, and concludes that Matt is also in the backyard. And control freak Paul (and paranoid Josh, and president of the I-Hate-Kevin-Club Alex) all immediately notice Kevin moving to the backyard, and immediately become convinced that Kevin is evil shadiness. And so Paul, naturally, exits to the backyard – because if we know anything about Paul, he is 1000% against anything that remotely looks like evil shadiness in a Big Brother houseguest. Kevin empathetically DR’s: I feel bad for Matt. He’s down in the dumps, I want him to know the truth about last week’s voting. I did not vote against him, I voted Mahhhhk out. And we watch Kevin in the backyard promising Matt that, on his mother, he promises that he voted Mahhhhk out and wanted Matt to stay. Paul comes bounding into the yard and gets into it with Kevin about people who lie in the game and those who are stand-up people in the game. Geppetto Paul then goes inside and reports to idiots Josh & Jason that Kevin is totally campaigning for jury votes (the nerve of Kevin!!), and we hear Pinocchio Josh get his strings pulled in DR to say: So I realize that there is a pattern here with Kevin – he likes to become best friends with everyone who is headed to jury: walking around the yard with Cody, making grilled cheeses with Elena, shooting pool until 2am with Mark, and now talking to Matt in the pool. It’s funny. I mean sure, Paul also does this exact same thing to people when they leave, but I’m an idiot, and so I am not able to see that the behavior I am so harshly judging Kevin for is exactly what Paul has been doing every week. Perhaps French philosopher Blaise Pascal was speaking about me and the BB19 cast when he mused “People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof, but on the basis of what they find attractive.” But again, I’m an idiot, and so I choose to be blind to Paul’s schemes – so down with Kevin! This background then sets up Round 3 of the Thursday Night Fights on CBS. Kevin comes back into the house, where Christmas & Josh sit in the kitchen. Christmas asks Kevin if it’s hot outside, and upon hearing Kevin comment how hot it was outside, Christmas asks if Kevin will go swimming. Kevin says he absolutely will in order to get out of the heat. He asks if Christmas wanted to come sit in the pool, and Christmas and Josh both erupt on Kevin for asking such a rude question (as Paul walks into the kitchen, right on cue, as if sent by production). Josh now screams at Kevin for asking Christmas about going to the pool, Kevin reminds Josh that Christmas is the one who actually brought the pool up in conversation, and Christmas (thankfully) corrects Josh that she was indeed the one who brought up the pool to Kevin. Kevin requests that Josh acknowledge Christmas’s correction and apologize to him, Josh continues to be Josh and screams his wrongness even louder, and he starts yelling that he hasn’t told a lie in 68 days (oh, Josh…). Kevin brings some truth to the mix and says that Josh is being set up to think things, and Josh tells him that he is not that stupid, and no one is setting him up to think anything (oh, Josh…). Josh then asks Kevin if he knows who took the secret $25k temptation on Day 1, and Kevin (who did take the money) deflects by saying that Josh must have taken it. More yelling, more screaming, Josh tells Kevin to swear on his kids that he did not take the secret money, and Kevin does not do so (unlike other moments when he swore on his kids to reinforce that he was telling the truth). Jason & Paul end up grabbing Kevin and taking him into the bedroom to cool off, as we hear Paul DR: It’s absolutely mindblowing to me that these people just take the bait I leave out there and run with it! Now Jason is a huge target, Kevin is a huge target, there are so many targets out there and not one of them is me! It’s like this season has been rigged since Day #1 by production for my easy victory! Meanwhile Josh is still Josh, and he goes crying (literally – he goes crying) into the backyard. Christmas, in her role as Josh’s designated infant care support, waves others off and says that she’ll handle it, and wheels out of the kitchen and into the backyard in pursuit of her crying child (Sidebar: OK BB, seriously – we get that you can’t build an elevator for Christmas to access the HOH room, but can you at least put a small ramp at the backyard sliding door so Christmas can wheel out more smoothly??). Christmas corrals Josh onto the backyard sofa and mothers him back to some level of borderline calm. She does astutely DR that it was interesting that Kevin would not swear on his kids about the $25k (which she actually knows that he won), but did swear on his kids about not being a wonky vote. So Christmas deduces that Kevin may be telling the truth about his voting Mark out with the house, and that Alex was likely the 2nd wonky vote to evict Matt last week. Christmas then reveals that if she wins HOH (or if the medical staff/production perhaps could rig this week’s HOH for her to win, hrmmmm…), that she’d totally nominate Alex & Jason. After these 3 rounds of fights, we need a commercial… Back from commercial, and we get our first visit to Jury House to cleanse our sour TV palate. Cody shares that he’d love to see Paul be the next voted out, but since he has no interest in spending one-on-one time with Paul for a week, that he’d maybe rather see Mark or Elena. Elena walks into the jury house and they hug it out and then watch the production DVD which summarizes her eviction. They bash on Paul, and Cody comments that Paul is steamrolling his way to $500k (Elena then comments that “they are playing Big Paul!” which sounds cute/clever, but I tell her to shut up, as until one day ago, she was one of the “they” who was joyfully playing Big Paul – so cool your self-righteousness, crazy person). It’s time for the 3rd juror to arrive, and Cody & Elena discuss who they’d like to see next. Elena selfishly (surprise, surprise) says that she’s like to see Mark (who is she to care if that means his chance to win $500K was over!), because she misses him & and the attention that he always gave her (clearly sister-girl forgot this interview she did only 3 days ago about how "gross" it would be to date Mark ). And sure enough, Mark comes bounding into Jury, Elena embraces him and the attention she will now get from him, and I beat my head against my keyboard at how ridiculous these people are. They watch Mark’s DVD, they mock Mark leaving the BB house in a civil manor by hugging people, and Mark concludes (spoiler alert!) that this will be a pretty bitter jury. It’s time to vote, #ButFirst Julie and her clydesdale pony arms tell us that since Matt was annoying every single BB fan and past BB player for an entire week by flauntingly breaking all the Have Not rules seen breaking a Have Not rule, that he will receive one penalty eviction vote. Matt’s speech is annoying, and Raven’s speech is even more annoying, and I join America in being done with these 2 idiots. Matt is evicted, and the Chen-terview begins. Julie, as if seemingly deriving interviewing powers from her raccoon sleeves, drops some blunt-sauce on Matt. Her questions were pretty pointed, if not at times, total shade at Matt: Julie: Matt (…long, judgmental pause, as if internally shaking her head in disgust at his ever being on BB…), you actively worked to ensure that you were the one evicted and that Raven would stay, so you essentially threw away your whole game and a half-million dollars for a woman you met 72 days ago – WHY?! (Matt answers that anyone who watches the show knows that Raven’s the greatest person, and we are left to conclude that prior to BB, Matt had never met another human being before) Julie: When you first entered the house, I assume you…(pausing for effect) wanted to win…so at what point did you decided “I’d rather let Raven win”? (Matt says it was probably around Week 3, at which point the 11-hour BB19 evictee Cameron is likely shooting out his television at the sound of Matt checking out of BB19 almost 2 months ago) Julie: Do you actually think Raven has a shot to win?!...(Matt says Yes)…why, based on what?! I mean, she hasn’t won anything all summer! (Matt says that he thinks Raven & Paul are the two best players in the game, and Julie facially responds to Matt with every "quizzically confused" GIF that exists on the internet) Julie: Alright…(another heavy pause, as if trying to muster enough patience to not slap him with her cue cards like she did to Marcellas in BB3)…so we’ve already established that you sacrificed your game and a half-million dollars for Raven…so what becomes of this relationship outside of this house? (Matt glibly replies, “We’ll see what happens, Julie!” as production likely screams in her ear to keep her seated in her chair and not beat him with her fur sleeves while screaming “Matt, you are the biggest loser to ever play the game of Big Brother!!! You have disgraced my temple, get out of my sight immediately!!!”) Julie: Last question, if you had to choose – Raven or cereal? (Matt eventually answered “Raven”, and at this point, Julie facially responds with every “I can’t even!” GIF that exists on the internet, signaling that she joins America in being D-U-N done with Matt. We now see the goodbye messages, and America high-fives Kevin and his efficient I’m-so-disgusted-with-you message: “Matt…take care…(eye roll, head tilt)…uh, goodbye.” At the end of the goodbye messages, Matt starts enthusiastically clapping in satisfaction, then stops when he realizes that neither Julie, nor a single person in a studio audience which is brought in for the sole purpose of clapping, had it in them to applaud his insanely stupid gameplay or devotion to his crazy person showmance. We come back from commercial and Julie announces some BB history that for the first time in 19 seasons of the show, the HOH comp will be delayed due to rain. It seems fitting that on the night that such a loser player gets evicted from the house, that this show ends with an historic and anti-climactic rain-out, telling us that even the BB comp gods don’t care to deal with these idiots tonight. Tune in Sunday for @copssister ’s Sunday recap to see all the crazy HOH results. And make sure to cross all your fingers and toes that next Thursday’s (much-needed!) double eviction brings the eviction of Paul. Until then, happy Labor Day, y’all.
  8. Broadcast recappers needed!

    Hey Magpie~ Crazy day in the salt mines today, and so my recap of last night's crapfest likely won't be up until tomorrow. I actually started to write it up last night like normal, but Julie's sleeves haunted my every typed word, it was too much I tell ya, it was too much!! But I'll medicate tonight and knock out the recap by the 'morrow. Apologies to y'all, I hate being late!
  9. Broadcast recappers needed!

    Hey hey, Mrs. G! I'll take this Thurs 31st & next Thurs Sept 7th. Thanks for keeping the laughter going on HT during this endless season of The Paul Show.
  10. Our beloved Chenbot opens tonight’s show apparently having spilled both bleach and pink paint onto her otherwise serviceable black dress. But even her stylists’ enthusiasm has been broken by the lifeless Let’s-Do-Whatever-Paul-Says gameplay in the BB19 season, and so they trotted her out on stage to rally the remaining BB viewers into watching the live eviction in this episode of The Paul Show. And so rally, we shall, Julie. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude – also going thru the motions at this point, I’m sure – earns his paycheck by reminding us of the previouslies: XTREME Jason wins an XTREME Double-Eviction HOH, and gets some XTREME news about buns & ovens back on the ranch in his and @jennknee's Iowa land Paul goes into full Third-Wheel mode, and locks in some security with each of the 3 remaining pairs The Christmas Tree and her broken branch nominate Baby Daddy & A Bowl of Cereal as her pawns, but she guns for Mark as the eventual target Mark crashes & burns (literally, on the “crashes” part) during the slick POV, Jason wins the comp, and Mark gets put OTB as Christmas’s Paul’s replacement choice. TONIGHT, will the house send Human Shrek to the jury house to continue his no-mance with Elena? Will Matt get blindsided and be painfully ripped out of the house away from his true love Raven Frosted Flakes? Will we get our first Hometown Visit segment of the season to Kevin’s mafia-adjacent life in Boston? Or will Carrie Biggs fly to LA before this episode is over and burn the BB house to the ground out of sheer anger of BB19 sheep enabling The Paul Show??? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For a wonderfully whipsmart review of all that came before, please check out our wily witty Wednesday woman @thunderstruck 's gift of snark on the POV show & Zingbot’s should-have-zings.) Julie greets us on Day 65 of BB19, and tells us that with less than a month of The Paul Show remaining, there may be signs of the large group alliance starting to turn on each other. We whisk back to the end of the POV Ceremony, where Jason DR’s that he pulled himself off the block and he’s relieved that Mark got put up in his place. Mark DR’s that he knows that the last 3 weeks have seen his 3 best-friends (or, weights around his BB neck) Jessica, Cody, and Elena all get evicted, but that even though he is the last one of their group still playing, that he will not give up. Oh, Mark, bless your heart – you didn’t know how to read the room when Elena didn’t want you in a relationship, and you can’t read the room now when The Paul Show does not want you in the house anymore. Here lies blind hopefulness, and Mark is thy name. We now see the star of The Paul Show, Mr. Paul Abrahamian, channel the dude who simultaneously juggled 6 individual dates, in one restaurant, on one night, as he makes his rounds among the 3 remaining pairings in the house: Matt & Raven, Alex & Jason, and Christmas & Josh. Fasten your seatbelts, y’all, this is going to be a mess to watch for anyone not in Paul’s immediate family. The Matt & Raven convo: Up in HOH room, Paul plants the seeds that Alex & Jason are a powerful force. Matt (of the I’m-always-happy-to-be-manipulated-by-faulty-logic Matt’s still in the house) says that it may indeed be time to take a shot at Alex & Jason before they decide to strike first at the powerhouse Cereal & Facepaint alliance that is Matt & Raven. Paul, of course, is 1000% pouring gasoline on this inferno of game-theory, because if Thelma & Louise think that driving their car off the cliff while using a Paul-provided roadmap is smart-gameplay, who is he to interrupt? Raven: Alex & Jason think they have Josh & Christmas on their side which is good… Paul: And they think they have me…um, well, I mean, to an extent…so hey, don’t get paranoid if you see me talking to them, I’m just trying to play along with them so they’ll think I am with them. And if you see me and Alex talking about Final 2 deals in hushed whispers, don’t stress out, because I’m just acting like I still want to work with her. And if you see us joking about designing “Paul & Alex: BB19 Final 2” t-shirts to be sold at my store, just ignore it, I just want Alex to feel a part of the game. And if you hear Alex say that she couldn’t believe how gullible I thought the Maven showmance was, just ignore it, because I’m just saying that to throw people off the scent of my working with you both. Got it? Good? Because I am totally on Team Mack & Raven, er I mean, wait what’s your name, oh yeah, MATT & Raven. So bottom line, we’re in a good spot. Matt: You’re a thousand percent right. (That sound you hear is Thelma & Louise plummeting off the cliff while loudly screaming about how self-destructive Matt & Raven’s actions are…) The Alex (and indirectly, Jason) convo: In the backyard, Paul meets up with Alex and warns that they may not be able to talk together privately like this for a while, as the house numbers get smaller and their super-secret alliance visibility becomes greater. Alex: So what are we going to do about Matt & Raven? Paul: Every time I talk to them, it’s weird – they are always alone talking amongst themselves, but when I come in there, they end up saying Yes to anything that I say. It’s like this season has been rigged for me from the start, and that the house was cast with sheep who have no ability to think freely for themselves, it is THE WEIRDEST THING! Alex (said unironically): You’re exactly right, Paul. Alex then DR’s: With Mark going home this week, the next strongest person in the house is Matt (um, WHAT?!!), he’s in the last showmance of the house, so he needs to be next on the list. Seriously. Alex says this. Of all the combos of targets at this critical home-stretch stage – with only 4 weeks to go, and 7 other people to choose from – The Cereal King is at the top of her list. Paul is one lucky dude to be cast with such idiots in BB19. The Christmas (and indirectly, Josh) convo: Middle of the night, up in Christmas’s HOH room, Paul sneaks in to wake Christmas up and give her the news that Matt & Raven want to target Jason & Alex, and vice versa. Christmas: Wow. Is this news even real? Is this really happening? Paul: All I’m saying is, we are far down the pecking order! Like, we’re not even on the pecking order! I mean, I’m outright evil, I don’t care about any of you people, I’m totally suggesting things that only help me, and I’ve been so transparent about that from the beginning! And I’m nowhere on anyone’s pecking order, it’s amazing! Oh wait, was that outloud? Just go back to bed, Christmas, don’t mind me. We now take a break from the high-stakes gameplay talk, to see Paul & Kevin start a game of Inflatable Goose Wars. It starts innocently enough in neutral corners… …and then Kevin channels his days on the streets before he became a Made Man, and starts wailing on Paul with the goose neck, prompting Paul to scream “Hey, relax! Relax! Whoa, relax!”, as America high-fives each other that someone in the house is finally making Paul have 2 seconds of discomfort in Summer 2017. He may have just racked up some America’s Favorite HG votes with the Goose Wars, good on you, Kev. Kevin then DR’s: I take the first swing at Paul, because where I grew up, whoever throws the first blow, usually wins 75% of the battles. And yes, to answer the question circling in your head, I have taken another human life before. Many, in fact. And you look very beautiful this evening, Diary Room, please have a nice night. It now time for the weekly Thursday segment when the Dead Nominee Walking of The Week attempts to sway some votes. Mark manages to successfully get Jason & Kevin to consider keeping him in the game, but gets non-committal responses from both Alex & Paul, because as Zingbot revealed to us on Wednesday, Mark is apparently not a closer. But Paul did DR that he seemed open to the idea of getting Matt out now, and getting Mark out later, and we then hear the increasingly wayyyyyyyyy too comfortable Mr. Abrahamian state: I feel like I have enough influence in the house right now, that I could make anything I want happen. Do we stick with the plan to just get Mark out? Or do we change things up a bit and just get Matt out now? Or do I explain how fun it is to be evicted, and then suggest they all self-evict simultaneously, and we just wrap up the season with me winning tonight? I can do anything I want with these idiots, huzzah! Back from commercial, and Julie flexes her I-was-once-a CBS-newswoman muscles and spends some time chatting with all the HG’s in the living room, asking them random questions. In this super-filler segment, we learn: Christmas was worried when she got injured, and thought that the house would vote her out. So she reveals that her new goal was just to make jury (aiming low, Christmas, well done! And score you, Paul…) Matt reveals that he hates shirts with sleeves, and so his only alternative is to EVERY SINGLE DAY wear the only sleeveless shirt that he brought for a 3 month TV show (Matt, just cut the sleeves on more t-shirts, it’s not that hard!!!! Gahhh. You are an idiot.) Alex will never go camping ever again. Kevin tells Julie that if he ever wins HOH, he hopes his “family” sends him some “bottled waters” (and with his cryptically innocent goofball charm, America now knows that Kev has put out another hit for a target in the greater Boston area to get whacked. He hopes the “family” sends him some “bottled water” – you’re smooth, Kev, Sonny Corleone tips his fedora to you.) That the HG’s love watching people fall down (the HG’s are shown clips of the POV comp, and some of the Raven & Matt falls were legit painful to watch! How has someone not broken bones in this comp over the years?!) Jason is happy to become a father for the 2nd time, and had been hoping that his HOH letter would reveal a baby was on the way. That’s not my scene, but good for him. It’s now time for our 1st Hometown Visit segment of the season. And since I was praying that I would get to recap Kevin’s inevitable BB19 hometown visit to what was likely the 2017 set of The Sopranos (aka, his Boston home where he and his “family” reside and endlessly discuss how great they are giving out “bottled water” in the neighborhood), I was understandably crushed that the hometown visit segment for tonight’s show takes us to the farmlands of Humeston, Iowa to visit Jason’s (unexpectedly hot…) wife, his adorable little kid, and a bunch of cattle (clearly CBS is trying to engineer expecting-father Jason to win the America’s Favorite HG vote now, after seemingly going all-in on Kevin for much of the season. Sorry, Kev, but you may need to have the family send some, uh, bottled water to the story editors to get your Fav HG vote campaign back on track). The hometown visit was pretty color-by-numbers in a predictably sweet way: lots of idyllic shots of the Iowa countryside, his son Gatlyn rolling around with puppies and wearing a tiny cowboy hat while riding Lil’ Sebastian, and the obvious shot of the emotional family watching Jason read his HOH letter that revealed the new baby. Jason’s mom demonstrates a fond over-use of the term “finally” and states: We were finally excited when Jason finally won the HOH because he finally got to read the letter and can finally know the news. We kept thinking that he may never know that his wife is pregnant if we don’t get him that HOH letter! I mean, he’s been such dead weight in this house all summer – we even managed to talk CBS into letting us write his Zingbot zing, we needed him to finally wake up and play the game and stop playing The Paul Show! Jason’s hot wife lets us know that she loves that he is working with Alex, and happy that she is smart enough to keep Jason on his toes because she can put him in his place. We now watch segments of Alex putting Jason is his place, as Alex reprimands Jason for making stupid game moves, saying too much in conversations to other HG’s, and generally being clueless. So yes, Zingbot speaks truth. It’s now time for the live eviction, and we start out with the eviction speeches. Matt basically goes all-in on his being an Expert Loser (your family must be so proud, Matt!), how he sucks at this game, how he is not a threat to anyone, how all he wants to do is eat cereal, and so he’s the better guy to keep in the house to make sure to keep The Paul Show running thru the end of the summer TV season. Mark then stands up and gives a very sincere speech, talking about his mother watching him from heaven, gives a shoutout to his aging grandparents who raised him, says that he loves each and every one of the HG’s, makes a public peace with “great guy” Josh, and wraps up his speech just as CBS was likely about to kill his microphone so as not to risk Mark’s touching words taking away votes from Jason for America’s Fav HG. The votes unfold, and by a vote of 4-2, Mark is sent to Jury House to have his heart kicked around some more by Elena (unless he wins America’s Favorite HG, in which case Elena will be all about reminding him about her agreeing to “let” him to take her out on a date in Dallas.) Mark walks out to sincere cheers. His lengthy Chen-terview continues this filler-heavy episode, and covers a lot of ground. We hear Mark talk about how great everyone is in the house and how much he truly likes them all (including “truly great guy” Josh). He admits that he was a floater, and flip-flopped a lot in the house, and that he may have made some more defined alliance decisions if he could ever win an HOH. He admits that his closeness to both Cody & Dominique made him radioactive and did not help his game at all. Julie then asks about Elena, while affirming his sensitive-guy-who-cries-a-lot persona, and Mark acknowledges that his pursuit of Elena probably blinded him to the game (and refreshingly states in honesty: I came in to play the game, and I played a very poor game.). The interview wraps with the goodbye messages, with Mark once again telling America how great of a guy Josh is (which prompts the wife of the President of CBS to suggest that Mark & Josh go on The Amazing Race, so apparently we’ll have Team Meatball traveling the world sometime soon). Back from commercial, and Julie kicks off the HOH endurance comp, “Everyone’s A Weiner”. They all must stand inside of their large individual hot dog bun, and then they/the bun gets raised and sprayed with condiments. Seems a lot like The Wall comp, so we’ll see how it shakes out for Alex & Jason (who both did well on The Wall earlier this season – so Matt & Raven fans better get their cereal & facepaint ready, yo, it could be a rough week for them.). Happy weekend to everyone in BB land, please make sure to check out the Sunday recap from @copssister to get her deconstruction on the remaining episodes of The Paul Show.
  11. Broadcast recappers needed!

    Go @jennknee, go!! Your recap fanclub patiently awaits the gift of your great snark!
  12. Broadcast recappers needed!

    I'll do Thurs, Aug 24th and go back-to-back with the beloved snark laureate, @thunderstruck!
  13. We open tonight’s broadcast with Our Lady Chenbot wearing some sort of mermaid scale dress with suspenders. I’m confident I am not sophisticated enough to know what is going on here – it’s a scene, man. She reminds us that Cody has battled back, and that “Jody” is back in power…but “power” is a relative term when the entire house hates you, so this night could be ripe for another Codybot blindside. There’s a ton of ground to cover tonight, so let’s get to it! Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude drops some pre-show knowledge, while likely eating a CBS-provided meatball sandwich: The vulnerable Jessica wins the (#Rigged) Halting Hex, and we’re told a house consequence will apparently somedayyyyyy be unleashed (we’ve been hearing about this for 2 weeks now, why is it taking CBS so long to rig this new twist?!) At the late-night/early-morning HOH comp, Josh throws a bunch of meatballs at Cody meatball and Jess meatballs and then tries to MEATBALL MEATBALL MEATBALL MEATBALL MEATBALL (in case you haven’t yet noticed because your eyes and ears have been sewn shut for 3 weeks, CBS is annoyingly all-in on the Meatball references this season. It may turn me vegan.) Jess wins HOH, the Jody alliance is back in power, and Mark & Elena decide to re-kindle the alliance-mance of the misty watercolored memories of the way the 4 of them were in Week 1 Jess decides to nominate Josh + pawn Ramses, but veteran Paul knows that Pawns Go Home, and begins the movement to send Ramses back to cosplay life outside the house Jess wins the POV, and decides to not listen to her deeply-accurate spidey senses about a potential house vote flip! She tells Cody that she wants to put up his true-love Alex as a replacement and Cody says “shut up, you’re being paranoid, just keep the nom’s the same and go fetch my dinner”, and so Jess keeps the nom’s the same because #Patriarchy. Paul tells Josh to keep it cool around the others, to “shut up and go cry” (seriously.), and the house vote to blindside Ramses seems to be set for our viewing pleasure this evening. TONIGHT, will Paul’s blindside plan go through? Will Josh throw out his back during the #MeatballDance and have to join Christmas in the BB emergency room? Will CBS convince Subway to be a sponsor of a meatball sandwich-based comp, finally prompting Cody to go on a murder spree on the CBS lot in Los Angeles? And will Christmas win tonight’s pivotal HOH, forcing CBS to quickly make the HOH room disability-accessible (perhaps the next POV comp will be building an elevator to the 2nd floor)? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (For much much better and amusing reviews of the Previouslies, please check out tooleta’s pet bird Brunch and his guest recap, it’s a clever ride.) Tonight is that super-rare episode where we do not have time for the signature splash credits because so much has been happening!!!! And so Julie and her complicated dress greet us on stage, where she tells us that Jess had had one of the most successful weeks in Big Brother history (she, cough, “won” the Hex, she got Cody back, she won HOH, and then won POV). But Julie warns that her hot-streak could all be a waste because there may be a house movement afoot. We now flash back to the POV ceremony on Day 34, where Jess closes the POV box and keeps nom’s the same. Jess DR’s that she decided to keep nom’s the same so as to avoid ruffling a bunch of feathers (see Chapter 1 of the now out-of-print Cody HOH Playbook, “Feathers Were Made To Be Ruffled, Dammit!”), and she hopes that others in the house (translation, the non-Les Mis Master of the House, Paul) see the gesture as newly trustworthy after the Week 1 Cody HOH Apocalypse Spectacular, which still covers Jess in radioactive glow. Jess continues to DR: Josh, you claimed that Cody and I would be leaving before you, but that’s definitely not the case anymore, and not only that, I get to be the one who gets to send you packing. Oh, Jess. Bless your heart. Paul DR’s that he’s determined to flip the votes and get Josh and his meatballs to stay this week. By his tally, he has 7 votes to get Ramses evicted. He assesses that Mark & Elena have rekindled their alliance-mance with Cody & Jess, and feels that he needs to keep the pending house vote flip a secret from Mark & Elena, lest the vote flip news make its way back to HOH Jess. Josh DR’s about a Meatball Blindside, and I, nor America have the energy to listen to this noise. Moving on… Lots of high-fives are shared in the Have Not Room, as Jason & Paul congratulate Josh on keeping composed in his POV speech without manically screaming, emotionally breaking down, or throwing actual meatballs at Jess & Cody. Josh is very pleased by this affirmation and starts to jump up and down, prompting Paul to become the voice of America and say “Don’t get too happy, you big dumb-dumb”, which Josh may need to get tattooed on his eyelids, because we all know he is going to otherwise lose sight of this advice. After a DR scene where Josh reassures that he will continue his sad mopey broken act (or, “act”), we visit the store room, where Josh begins his Emmy Award campaign. Josh enters the store room, and the BB music editors cue up the sad piano melody (previously played as the soundtrack to Mark’s tear ducts last week when he was crying about his love for now-evicted Dom). Elena is in the store room, and Josh tells her that he has a “migraine”. She starts waxing on and on about the pain-relief of Advil, Tylenol, Midol, Opiates, and snortable chocolate, as the sad piano melody continues to play. Josh begins to fake cry, prompting Elena to shrug her shoulders and simply close her eyes to stiffeningly hug him in faux-support. Josh DR’s: I’m either going to lose my mind completely and go crazy, or win an Emmy for this performance (prompting a #TheEmmyGoesTo hashtag from CBS, who continue to clearly ride on board the Josh Crazy Train). We now visit Josh alone in the lounge, shades on, hoodie pulled over his head, and ready to be the sad clown to the BB music editors continued requiem to sadness. But then the sad music grinds to a halt, and suddenly the sunglasses come off, suddenly the hood gets pulled off, and suddenly we are in Club Meatball, as Josh bumps/grinds/twirls/kicks to the beat, CBS puts up a #MeatballDance hashtag, and America begins to question if CBS lost a bet and is somehow legally required to devote this much time Josh’s insanity. (OK, serious question: exactly WHO is the actual meatball? Is Josh the meatball? Or are his enemies the meatballs? Or is everyone a meatball???? If he refers to both himself and his hated rivals as meatballs, what does any of this even mean?!! Gahhhhhhh, make it go away!!). We now go to the backyard where HOH Jess has a laundry chat with Human Shrek and confirms the vote plan to evict Josh. Mark confirms 1000000% that he plans to evict Josh, which prompts Jess to then wax poetically about how great it is that Mark & Cody are back to being bro’s again, how it makes her heart happy that their Week 1 Band of Brothers Backstabbers are together again (Mark, seriously, you couldn’t have picked a worse week to run back to Cody & Jess. What are you doing??! Read the room, man! You’re the guy that buys milk on the day of its expiration label, aren’t you? Aren’t you?!!) Meanwhile, Paul walks into the backyard during the Mark & Jess Reunited Tour announcement and, upon hearing that Cody & Mark will be getting matching “Co-rk” tattoos & promise to be best men in each other’s weddings & maybe name their firstborn kids after each other, Paul expresses in the DR that he is noticing that things have changed in the last week. Says Paul: Ever since Cody came back and Jess got power, things have changed with Mark & Elena. They are chummy-chummy with Jess and Cody again, and maybe too much so for my liking. Mark & Elena are either in the kitchen with Cody & Jess, outside on the hammock with Jess & Cody, working out with Jess & Cody, developing synchronized swimming routines with Jess & Cody, attempting cold fusion in the hot tub with Jess & Cody. This is exactly why I can’t tell Mark & Elena about the vote switch, and hopefully they will be blindsided with Jess & Cody at the live eviction. We are next shown an awkward example of the re-kindled bromance date of Mark (Mr. I Love Too Fast) & Cody (Mr. I’m Not Programmed For Love). We see them seated in the kitchen, and Mark – in a desperate effort to meaningfully re-kindle said bromance – is trying to talk game with Cody. There’s lots of talk by Mark of “we just need to keep the power this week”, and that “we can then regroup”, and that “we can then know who we can work with”, all while Cody is very much in the singular “I-not-we” state of mind, witnessed by his more-automated-than-normal reactionary head nods without any words. Mark continues his demonstrated pleas for love by bluntly stating to the Codybot that “I have not talked to Raven and Matt since you came back, I have not talked to Alex and Jason since you came back. I haven’t talked game with National Treasure Christmas (cue CBS jingle bells) since you have been back. My BFF was evicted last week, and I have a Dominique-shaped hole in my heart, man! LOVE ME!!!! LOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Codybot then DR’s: I’m pretending to work with Mark. I don’t trust him one bit. The guy had no problem backstabbing me before, and he’s just gaming the game with me now. Cody’s playing hard to get, Mark. That Dominique-shaped hole in your heart may never heal. We now sweep into some late-night pool playing with Paul and Mark. Mark’s eagerness for Cody’s love naturally comes up during the casual pool convo, and Paul (to his game credit) decides to do some therapy w/the muscle man and get him to spill his secrets. Mark bluntly confesses that “I’m glad that Cody and I have a clean slate.” Paul is understandably thrown by this, and explains to Mark that just because Cody has been nice this week, it does not make everything from the past go away; that in the same way one great date doesn’t wipe out the history of the previous of bad dates, it will take more than one week for everything to be reset. But Mark is not hearing any of this, and only digs deeper into his “Cody & Mark 4Eva” tattoo dream, by then throwing Raven & Matt under Becky’s train. Mark cryptically says about the pair, “I don’t like people that just lay low and don’t stir anything up” (Hello, Josh is the poster child for Stir Things Up and you HATE HIM! #SelfAwareness). So life being life, humans being humans, and Big Brother being Big Brother, Paul goes and tells Matt and Raven that Mark has sold out their previous 3 weeks of working together, picked up a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, and has now flipped back over to his alliance-ex Cody. Raven and Matt are not happy hearing this news, and understandably state that they’d now target Mark & Elena, IF they ever decide to quit cuddling and/or eating cereal this summer and decide to actually play the game of Big Brother. That’s a big IF, people. We now visit the backyard, where Cody & sitting-duck Ramses talk about votes for the week. Ramses tells Cody that he’s been talking to people, and that some votes seem sketchy. Ramses: It wouldn’t surprise me if some were voting to keep Josh to screw with you & Jess. Cody: Wow, if that happens, I’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again! Do you know what I mean? Ugh, I’d be so mad! Ramses: Replies with a look of silent incredulousness that screams: Yes, that would be soooooooo unfortunate for you and your Codybot circuitry. BUT I’D BE EVICTED AND WOULD LEAVE THE GAME FOREVER. Cody: I just have this dream that Josh goes out that door on Thursday, and there is a flurry of Boo’s, and my body will be filled with joy. I mean, screw the 500 thousand, that’s all I want, that’s all I want! Ramses: Replies with a look of even more silent incredulousness that screams: WHO ARE YOU?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT EMPATHY IS??! I’M ON THE BLOCK! Cody: I mean, if the vote is not unanimous, I will SEEK BLOOD. Ramses: And if I go home this week, I will build a Cody cosplay costume and I will dive into a giant pool of meatballs while screaming “Josh Is King!!!” And then I will drape myself in the Russian flag while twirling and scream “My name is Cody, and I love victim noises!!!!!” Thank you for making this conversation about my eviction all about you. We come back from commercial and see future America’s Favorite Houseguest winner Kevin chilling in the backyard with Jess. He feels a bond to her, they both being from the northeast, and he says he always tries to look out for her (making meaningful personal bonds to people not in your direct alliance? Well, played Kev.). The trust equity that Kevin has built with Jessica now allows him to (very bluntly) ask her if she won the temptation this week. She then confesses to him that she did indeed win the power, and that it is better than Paul’s temptation benefits, and that she & Cody will not be going anywhere. She tells him that he is the only person besides Cody that knows, and Kevin amiably laughs it off, and goes back to goofball mode. The force is strong with this one named Kevin. And given that Kevin feels some sort of unspoken-but-understood mob-lite bond with Jessica, he feels compelled to give her a heads up on the potential blindside that awaits her HOH reign this week. We now see Kevin have a meet up with Jess in the bathroom, to let her know, now in a somewhat mob-heavy manner, that “the little kid with the glasses is going home” (seriously, Kevin’s life has to be mob-adjacent, right?? I love Kevin. I’m fascinated by Kevin. At whatever point CBS does his inevitable home-visit segment, I will happily volunteer to guest-recap that must-see 5 minute segment of television). Upon hearing about the eviction hit that has been put on The Little Kid With The Glasses, Jess now DR’s that she is super-frustrated that she didn’t use the POV this week (hey there, Cody’s awful advice!) and begins to voice this displeasure to the Codybot. She explains to Cody that her assumptions were 10000% correct that Paul is trying to flip “the other side of the house” (point of clarification, Jess – is it really a “side” of the house, when essentially the entire house hates you?). Jess DR’s that she needs to lock in at least 5 votes for her to be able to break a tie and send Josh home. And so she and Cody will commence Operation: Threaten People For Votes (which according to Cody’s HOH Playbook, is the perfect way to get people to do what you want them to do when you have absolutely no remaining power over them, so this is bound to work!!). We go to the lounge where Jess talks to Elena, and then to HOH where Jess locks down Mark’s vote. Those conversations were relatively chill and diplomatic, yielding the vote confirmation Jess sought. We next see Cody lobby for votes with his true love Alex, pleading with her to vote Josh out: “I’ve never asked you for anything, Alex, please vote out Josh! OK, wait, I guess I once asked you to go up as a pawn when I was HOH…and then I asked you to work with Jessica even though you two hate each other...But seriously, I hardly ever ask you for anything!” Predictably, Alex doesn’t commit to a vote at this time. Next on Cody’s hit parade of vote collections is an amusingly threat-laiden chat with Jason: “Come on, Jason! If Josh doesn’t go home on Thursday, I will LOSE MY MIND and I am going to win the HOH and I will go through this house like a damn tornado!” He’s a subtle charmer, that Cody. And with that art of political persuasion, it’s time for the vote! Sitting-duck Ramses gets up and pleads for everyone’s vote as the camera keeps cutting to Jess and Cody supportively nodding, while knowing deep down that The Little Kid With The Glasses is about to get blindsided due to Cody’s lack of game instincts. Josh gets up and blah blah blah meatballs blah blah blah, and thankfully sits down. The votes are cast, and it’s time for Julie to reveal the results. In this pressure-filled moment, Julie reveals that by a vote of 7-3, Josh is SAFE and Ramses must go back to his cosplay life. The camera quickly pans to a quietly nodding Jess, an angry head-shaking Cody, a jaw-dropped Elena, and an I’m-about-to-cry-again Mark, as the reality of the blindside has now kicked in. They thought they had all the power, and now they have nothing. And so in two HOH reigns, the powerhouse Jody combo has led to Jillian and Ramses being evicted. Impressive work, love birds. Julie’s Chen-terview begins, and Ramses fully acknowledges that Paul is running the house, and that he knew he was likely going home. He smartly further acknowledges that he was very well liked by everyone in the house, but that he didn’t really have any vested alliances with anyone after Tijuana Jill left, which made him expendable. We get to see some (rare, for this season) goodbyes messages, which are all relatively positive, and we of course end with Kevin’s heartfelt goodbye (which made Ramses cry, and further cements Kevin’s future win as America’s Fav HG). Back from commercial, it’s time for the HOH comp, which is a quiz based on tattooed images of evicted HG’s. Within the first 2 rounds, Elena, Mark, and Cody are all out, which leads to the inevitable Paul HOH win. Julie gathers everyone in the living room in the closing minutes of the show. Normally, this is a very disposable block of time, but in THIS night of blindsiding, angry Jessica decides to reveal to everyone that she won the final temptation and that she has the power to keep her & Cody safe for a few weeks. Lots of “oooooooooh’s” from the studio audience, lots of awkward silence from the HG’s, and a predictably confused “Wellllllllll…” from Julie, as production is likely screaming in her ear to not say anything that will ruin the #Rigged temptation on live TV. Julie quickly wraps the HG roundtable, and then turns to face America to (finally!) reveal what the temptation consequence. It seems that starting Sunday, we will have a new competition in the weekly mix for the next 3 weeks: The Temptation Competition. It seems that the HG’s can choose to compete in this new comp, and if you win the comp, you will be safe from nomination. BUT, if you lose the comp, you will be forced to be a 3rd nominee on the block. Dun dun duhhhhhhhh…. Tune in Sunday Sunday Sunday to read the amazingly snarktastic Jennknee’s pre-birthday musings on Paul’s nom’s, the inaugural Temptation Competition ridiculousness, and where she stands on meatball sandwiches. G’night, all.