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BB3Roddy

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  1. Julie greets us on the Thursday night stage looking great in a fancy black gown, excited for a fancy Battle Back night. She shows Haleigh & Fess on the giant screen, but teases that while they sit in the nomination chairs thinking that one of them is leaving, it may not actually be true because of all the Battle Back’age that awaits us tonight… …but that’s assuming a lot, Julie – “Faleigh” (or Fail-eigh, more accurately) already admitted that they may be the most clueless players to ever play BB, so they’ll probably mess up Battle Back in some never before seen level of game-failure – you’re giving them way to much credit). But hey, Julie, those are just details, and who am I to harsh your buzz? Let’s just get on with the madness. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude earns his stacks with some Previous’lies: Fessy & Haleigh think they made an F4 alliance with Tyler & Angela. They are plainly stupid. And their hopes of Fail-eigh & Tangela F4 t-shirts and commemorative mugs were dashed when HOH Angela used some contrived advice from her mama to nominate F & H for eviction, giving them their umpteenth blindside of this season. One of the most ridiculously messy POV comps in BB history is played (seriously, did they even test Part 1 with the CBS interns?! How can you catch a ball when it’s impossible to see it??), and professional football player Kaycee beat college football player Fessy by one lousy point to seal Fessy’s nomination fate. Discovering that Fessy was the real target, Haleigh decides to prudently forge some bonds with the remaining 6 players in order to help her own $500,000 game move forward, but Fessy’s broken ego wasn’t happy about his not being the sun of her BB orbit. TONIGHT, either Haleigh or Fessy will be evicted from the house, and will immediately join the Future Mrs. Swaggy, the OTEV kamikaze, or Newly-freindzone’d Scottie in a Battle Back to re-enter the game. Who will get a 2nd chance to make their half-million dollar dream come true? And if given a 2nd chance, with they use the benefit of self-reflection & hindsight wisdom to course-correct their past mistakes and play a smarter game (I think we all know the answer to this age-old question of the human condition, but humor me, people!)? Should Rockstar just lie about her eviction when she gets to Jury House instead of showing the embarrassing DVD of her historic OTEV failure? Will Fessy choke in the Battle Back comp, enabling Scottie to go back into the house and have more late-night conversations with his no-longer-secret crush Haleigh, while he sits in jealousy in the Jury House? And with 56 minutes of show remaining, can Tyler manage to squeeze in another three or four Final 2 deals? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! We pick things up at the close of Kaycee’s POV ceremony on Day #69. And we may as well call Fessy The Dead Sea at this stage of the game, because he has reached a geologically-certified level of salty that he 1) lost the POV comp by one point (I’ll leave out commentary on whether he’s even more upset because he lost to a female football player, but I think we all know the answer…), and 2) that he got so unknowingly played by HOH Angela. Fessy DR: The thing that makes me so mad is that last week when I was King of My Permanent Empire HOH, I thought I did a good job of making sure that Haleigh and I wouldn’t see the block together. So this kinda sucks. I meannnnnnnnn, was the Zingbot right? Am I a moron? Should I not be allowed to teach the future leaders of America? Will CBS help redeem my teaching reputation by hooking me up with a guest spot cameo as a teacher on Young Sheldon? Haleigh DR’s that part of her challenge this week will be to sit next to the person she cares about most in the house, while also trying to continue to play her game. She confesses that she’s not sure how to focus on keeping herself in the game without hurting Fess. So the story editors of tonight’s show now naturally take us to the bathroom counter to sneak a peek into a post-POV conversation with Fail-eigh. Haleigh walks in, is greeted with a shrugging silence by Fessy. Haleigh: So what’s up? Fessy: MUMBLEmumbleMUMBLE Haleigh: Why are you mad at me? Fessy: Shrug of shoulders Haleigh: Why are you in such a bad mood? It’s hard for me to spend time with you when you have the attitude that you have. Fessy: This is our last week in the house together, it’ll be the last time we spent time together, and you’re hanging out with THEM. Haleigh: But I’m not hanging out with them because I don’t want to hang out with you. Fessy: I just don’t know what’s going to happen once we get outside this house. Anddddddddd, now we see what is at the heart of Fessy’s passive-aggressive flow. It seems he’s not primarily upset that his BB game is over, as much as his ego fears his showmance game may be over. Fessy DR: It sucks, the reality is one of us is going to leave and the other is going to stay, and we have to build relationships with others. But then I start to think (bad move, Fessy, don’t ever start to think, you can’t handle it!), what’s going to happen outside the house? Was everything that happened in this house real, or was it just strategy? I mean, did Zingbot call me a moron because I’m a paid instructor of America’s youth, but I have been unable to knowledgeably function in life for over 2 months of non-stop blindsides? Or was Zingbot implying that my fragile ego is right in thinking Haleigh may not want to marry me after knowing me for only 70 days? The path of the human condition is a lot to process, y’all! Back to the bathroom conversation, Fail-eigh continues the back and forth of “how real is all of this?”, all while I’m sure Fessy wished that the BB music editors played some Bee Gees to speak his truth over this mess of a conversation. Fessy is clearly trying to rival BB16’s Caleb in the “I Love Too Hard” olympics. This is not a good look. Haleigh continues to reassure him that she does sincerely care about him, and Fess continues with his passive-aggressive “Yes, I know you care, it’s fine, I’m not mad” while all of his nonverbal cues scream out to God’s universe that he does not think she cares for him, that he is not fine, and that he is indeed mad. I don’t have the recap energy for this, it just keeps going. Lather rinse repeat. Welcome to Fail-eigh. After showing us one attempted screwball showmance downstairs, the BB story editors zip us upstairs where Brett & Tyler are camped out in HOH. It seems that Brett is feeling the need to replace Winston (remember him?!) in his bromance, and after middling attempts to flirtmance with both Haleigh & Angela, the most bro’iest bro’seph on network TV decides that going back to the almighty Bromance will be his BB salvation. Brett explains to Tyler that as he runs through all the scenarios in his head, he can’t help but feel that he and Tyler are both on the outside of all the deals that are being made in the house (HA!). He tells Tyler that he hesitated in bringing an F2 pitch to him because he feels that “the people that bring that stuff up are usually people who are already working multiple angles” (HA! And as all this is said, Tyler is just stone cold nodding and not saying a word. Brilliant.) When Brett continues, saying to Tyler “I mean, I feel JC has probably got, like, five Final 2’s”, I imagine a lesser player than Tyler would have either busted out laughing, or would have gotten immediately defensive and rambled their way into a bunch of confusing lies…but Tyler just continues to sit, to chill, to nod, and let Brett’s strategery proudly keep bro’ing out. Brett DR: Level 6 has been doing great so far. But as the numbers keep dwindling, we’re going to have to be able to make some tough decisions. In the Level 6 pecking order, I’m starting to feel like I’m the low man on the totem pole. Tyler and I have always been close, so I feel like I should just lock that in and make a Final 2. I mean, surely no one in the 70 days we’ve been in this house has ever thought about making a Final 2 with Tyler, right? He’s very likable and easy going, he wins a lot of comps, and he’s a competitor with a calm strength that guides all that he does in the house – so I’d be a GENIUS to lock in an exclusive Final 2 with him! Good thing my Bro brain has so much smarts crammed into my head while the rest of the house is so stupid! So worry Wilber, or William, or Winstahl, or whatever that Bro I bro’ed so hard with 2 months ago – it’s time for me and Tyler to put a ring on this Bromance! The BB music editors now do an amazing job playing the wistfully inspired showmance music while Brett waxes on with his memories of loving Tyler from Day 1. As Brett officially extends the F2 offer to Tyler by saying “God, it feels so good to say this out loud!”, they bro-shake it out to seal the deal. As this segment closes, we see Brett walk into the HOH bathroom, and a confused Tyler look straight into a camera and eyeroll HIMSELF by whispering “Four final twos?”, as we zoom back to Julie & the studio audience in laughter. Tyler’s game is fun to watch. And if it doesn’t collapse under the weight of a million F2 deals that he can’t possibly keep, he might just win this season. Or, he could be evicted, all these F2 deals get unraveled, the season turns into a broken compass spinning with no direction, and we end up with an F2 of Sam and the fire extinguisher seated next to each other on finale night. Really, anything is possible. But Tyler better step up his jury-management game as these F2’s all inevitably will have to bust. “Uh yes, table for 9? The Bitter Jury family, table for 9? Your table will be ready soon.” Back from commercial, and we discover that it’s not just Bro Brett who is reconsidering his standing in the house. It seems JC is also getting a bit nervous as the numbers dwindle down, and he notices that Kaycee & Angela seem to have a very deep loyalty. So JC feels he has got to create some new golden parachutes for himself. JC DR: I need to make it to the end in this game…but I can’t count on Faysal, since he’s probably leaving, and he has no brains. Seriously, that DR was funny. So JC decides to go to his Final 2 partner Tyler and pitch the case to nominate Angela & Kaycee (Tyler’s core partners, unbeknownst to JC) as the next targets. And predictably, Tyler is having none of this noise, and was smartly able to cover it by logically stating to JC that it was simply “too soon” to go after them, when Haleigh has previously nominated Tyler and therefore would be the smart one to target after Fessy leaves. JC is not at all feeling this negativity from Tyler (largely because he still wants to keep Haleigh in the house for as long as he can, to either work with her, or have her as a meat shield and be an option for someone to nominate over himself), and so he moves on to now make his pitch to Bro Brett. JC DR: Clearly Tyler is not on board with the idea of targeting Angela & Kaycee next week. But guess who’s not as close to Angela & Kaycee? Brett!! Brett is going to be my new BFF, slash, Big Dumb Puppet! Seriously, that DR was funny, too. In the hammock, JC & Brett have their meeting of the minds(?), and JC explains to his new Big Dumb Puppet applicant that once Haleigh & Sam are gone, that the 2 of them will become the targets, and Brett candidly does not disagree with this scenario. JC and Brett agree to keep this line of strategy going, and promise to just keep it between them for now. Looks like the interviews for Big Dumb Puppet #2 have been completed, and JC is ready to hire a Bro. Back from commercial, and it’s time for the eviction speeches & vote! Fessy kicks things off by shouting out his family, friends, Orlando, UT-Chatt, Haleigh, and his (apparent) fitness app, and then goes back to Dead Sea Fessy by unloading a super salty shot at HOH Angela’s alleged sense of entitlement outside the house (range rovers! diamond rings! He even threw in a “Just relax, Angela, I promise you’re not all that.”). He goes onto explain how Angela characterized the control she feels she has over Brett & Tyler, how Angela is embarrassing them in front of their families on live TV every week, and also shared that Angela thinks Sam is useless. So that happened. Haleigh then gets up, and delivers a pageant-ready diplomatically sweeping speech, saying how beautiful Julie looks, how amazing the houseguests are, some nonsense about Texas A&M, and then sits down. Time to vote! Tyler VTE Fessy Brett VTE Fessy Sam VTE Haleigh (seriously, she has absolutely no use for Haleigh in the house, wow.) JC VTE Big Dumb Puppet #1 Fessy Kaycee VTE Fessy Julie announces that by a vote of 4-1, Fessy is evicted. He gets up and says his goodbyes, while the freshly iced Angela hysterically remains seated. In the Chen-terview, Julie starts by saying that she was both surprised and impressed with Fessy’s speech, and wondered where “that guy” had been all season. He shares that he wanted to blow Angela’s game up as he left because she was too comfortable in the house, and he wanted people to think more about taking a shot at her. She asked about the alleged F4 deal he made w/Angela & Tyler when Fessy was HOH last week, and he thankfully acknowledges that it was dumb of him to not take a shot at Angela & Tyler when he had the power to do so. She then asks if he had beaten Kaycee in POV, if he would have used it to save himself or Haleigh, and like an IDIOT (you 100% called it, Zingbot), he stumbles all over the question without once saying, “Julie the reason I came into the house was to win a half-million dollars for me, so YES, I would have used the Veto on myself!” She does finally get Fessy to acknowledge that his dumbest move in the game was engineering the eviction of alliance member Scottie during his own HOH. She closes by (annoyingly) asking if he has feelings for Haleigh, and I immediately fast forward my remote past this question, because all of America is screaming that the surprisingly level-headed (for a 21-yr-old) Haleigh can do so much better than Big Dumb Puppet #1. Goodbye messages include a solid jury-management effort from JC, some ego shots to Fessy from Kaycee, and tears from Haleigh (who clearly does not yet realize that BB history is FILLED with showmance women who thrived in the house after their showmance dude got bounced; this is not a loss for you, Haleigh. For real.). Julie coyly wraps the Chen-terview by asking what Fessy may do differently if he could go back into the house, and then dumps the cats all the way out of the bag by telling him that there will be a Jury Battle Back tonight. Fessy is stoked that he can soon have the chance to again ruin Haleigh’s game, and go back to being a Big Dumb Puppet for JC. Huzzah for you, Fess. We come back from commercial and Julie calls all the HG’s back into the living room and announces to them that, YES, the Jury Battle Back that they have all been openly wondering about all week is indeed going to happen tonight (camera zooms first to Angela’s stomach collapsing inside of her, and then goes to Haleigh burying her face in her hands in anxious hope). But before we can do the Battle Back, let’s visit the Jury House and see how those losers have been doing! We see the exterior of the Southern California mansion that serves as the Jury House for 6 weeks every summer, and then sweep into the backyard to find a non-pregnant Bayleigh doing yoga in the backyard. Bay shares that she didn’t like being the first one in the Jury House, but that it’s been nice to decompress, chill, relax, and spend some time away from the BB house. She shares that she hopes that Tyler or Angela are the next one’s to enter the Jury House, and right on cue, Rockstar walks into the backyard and surprises her. Rock shares that she feels terrible being in Jury (and YOU SHOULD!! You had OTEV WON!!! You could have saved yourself!!!! But you gave the answer to Tyler!! And you got kicked out on your own alliance’s HOH week!!). Ugh, this alliance was such a mess. Rock puts in the CBS-issued summary DVD, and has to try to explain as Bayleigh watches what unfolds. Bay sees Haleigh win HOH (so far so good…)…Bay sees the Hacker nominate Rock and begins to get confused…Bay sees the OTEV comp and is sad that she missed that BB tradition, and then sees where Rock told Tyler the correct answer to a question allowing Tyler to stay in the comp, prompting Bayleigh to nearly reach the “Bayleigh During A House Meeting” level of outraged confusion while sitting next to Rock on the couch and slapping her arm in disgust at what she watched. Bayleigh: Did you just give the answer to Tyler?!! Did you give the answer to TYLER?! What were you doing, girl?????? I mean sure, when I was HOH, I did share info of my secret Power App with Tyler's friend Rachel, and yes, that did spectacularly blow up my entire game and directly led to my eviction, but what YOU did was….um…I mean…ummmm…GIRL, YOU CRAZY!!! At this point, I start to feel a little bad for Rockstar, as she knows that this was an historic level of BB comp choking that will sincerely be talked about for years (a la, BB3 Marcellas not using the Veto on himself as a nominee and then immediately getting evicted, prompting Julie Chen to actually hit him with her index cards ). Rock starts to cry a bit when the DVD shows that she loses the OTEV comp, and then shares that she may never forgive herself for that huge mistake. Bayleigh, ever the pillar of empathy, just continues to roll her eyes at what happened, saying, “Girl, I have never seen anything like that in my life!”, which (smartly) prompted Rock to take a zing at Bayleigh’s memorable lack of any hint of composure at the house meeting, and reply, “Wellllll, I didn’t spew blood or nothin’” , which put Bay in check. We now see Scottie enter the Jury House, to Rock & Bay’s surprise. After the last DVD illustrated how their alliance was so bad that they can even lose when they have actual power, the ladies are a bit muted with polite applause when Scottie starts his DVD summary showing Fessy winning HOH. But they then immediately stare at Scottie sitting next to them on the couch, prompting Rock to say, “I don’t understand…I’m just already not understanding…”, which may as well be the inscription on her Big Brother tombstone. They continue to watch the DVD and see Fess turning Scottie’s key in the nomination ceremony, while all 3 of them sit on the couch and remain unable to explain what was going on in the game. The DVD then shows the POV ceremony when Fessy takes a shot at Scottie for trying to get him to nominate Haleigh, and the ladies need to pause the DVD to yell some more at Scottie (who admits, in hindsight, that he was being very dumb). Scottie then shares with them that he also confessed to Fessy that he had a crush on Haleigh, and the ladies full on erupt on Scottie’s confused inexperience at not knowing that you don’t tell a “rival” guy that you may love his girl. The Jury House DVD summary discussion ends with each of them reflecting on who had the dumbest move: Scottie for telling a sitting HOH that he was crushing on his girl, Bay for 100000% losing her mind in a house meeting, or Rock for giving the answer to Tyler and losing POV. They all agree that nothing they did was worse than Rockstar (seriously, Rock is going to be asked about this every day of her life once she gets home). We now see the Jury House get the champagne delivery announcing that they will all have the chance to return to the game in the Battle Back, and the hype begins. It’ll still be determined if any wise self-reflection about their actions & gameplay will join their hype to return, but I think we all know the answer… Julie now takes us to the backyard where we see Bay, Rock, and Scottie in position for Battle Back. She asks each of them who they want to see as the 4th person. Most say Angela or Tyler (seriously, there is so much bitterness toward Angela & Tyler in this current jury), and Scottie humorously says JC only because he doesn’t think he’d be that great at this comp. The big reveal of evictee #4 now occurs, and they are all surprised to see their friend Fessy come out to play. To Fessy’s credit, he immediately seeks out Scottie and hugs him while saying “First of all, I’m so sorry, Scottie, I am so sorry, I’m so stupid!” as the studio audience laughs and applauds. I suppose wisdom delayed, is still wisdom. Julie now explains the Battle Back comp, where each of them needs to retrieve their colored balls and run back up their ramp to drop 4 balls into their tube. First one to get 4 balls in their tube wins. Fess predictably gets out to an early lead, and Scottie actually was the last one to get any of his balls in his tube. But plucky as ever (he finishes comps really well, and was 2nd in many comps this year), the Chicago kid finds his rhythm and rallies, gets his 4th ball in the tube as the (apparently pro-Scottie) audience erupts in applause, and Scottie is declared the Battle Back winner. The 4 of them huddle up in congratulations and goodbyes, and a few of them can be heard saying “you know what to do, stick to the plan” to returnee, Scottie. But unless The Plan is “go back in the house and immediately make a Final 2 with Tyler!”, they may all be disappointed , because it doesn’t (yet) seem that Tyler or Angela will be sent by anyone to Jury anytime soon. Back from commercial, we see Scottie ringing the doorbell, entering the house, and we then witness the fakest fakery of fake friend enthusiasm as they all run/jump/scream in joy to greet Scottie after UNANIMOUSLY evicting him just 7 days earlier. Julie announces that the new HOH comp will be played overnight on the live feeds, and that this coming week will follow the standard schedule of BB programming (the infamous Double Eviction night that many of us suspected for next week isn’t going to happen on Thursday, but may likely happen the following week – if Tyler can somehow survive the Double Eviction night, he may just make it to the end). Enjoy the HOH comp on Sunday (recapped by the amazing @elizabethann!), and happy September to you all.
  2. My recap of last night's Battle Back is ready to post, @Magpie, thanks! Just LMK what I need to do.
  3. Hey gang! It's been a while since some broadcast recappage has hit the scene (sadly for all of us). That said, this Thursday's eviction & Battle Back should be a lively turn, and I'm happy to get back on the recap horse for this Thurs, Aug 30.
  4. Wow, so sorry @elizabethann. Positive thoughts to you & husband. Hospital life is no bueno. :/ Please be well.
  5. Julie greets us on the Thursday night stage with a camera shot of the beautiful orange living room couches, and a framed view of Kaitlyn, Haleigh, and Fessy is on the monitor. Julie reminds us that the POV results this week “lead to broken promises and broken hearts”, but that Sam’s power app is alive and well tonight, giving either Kaitlyn or Rockstar the chance to rebound from eviction and immediately get back into the house. Will the Kaitlyn/Fessy/Haleigh love triangle dance its last tango tonight? Let’s dive in and find out. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude makes it rain with the misty water colored memories of the Previous’lies: Sam got a Power App in Week 1 which will now give this week’s evictee the chance to immediately enter back into the game. Sam wins HOH, nominates Kaitlyn & Haleigh, and puts Fessy in the middle of some crazy summer camp love/jealousy messiness. Fessy gets picked for POV, promises both Haleigh & Kaitlyn that he’ll use it on them if he wins (DOH!), and ultimately saves Haleigh (“I’m a sucker for love.” –Fessy), throwing off all the chakras of Kait and her many spirit guides. At the POV ceremony, Sam shockingly almost puts up her best friend JC as a replacement nom in an act of insane overthinking, but after his heartbroken plea in the moment, she puts Rockstar OTB. Sam then ends the POV ceremony with the bombshell house announcement that her power app will now go to the one who is evicted, giving them a 99.99999% chance to re-enter the game (CBS has been planning for 4 weeks to use this power, y’all! So the comp is going to be super easy, and there’s no way anyone would fail at whatever super-easy task that awaits, right?? RIGHT??) TONIGHT, Fessy deals with the repercussions of officially making Haleigh his #1 and telling Kaitlyn to kick rocks crystals! The HG’s will have to end their flip-flop bouncing of whom to evict, and actually make a decision to vote someone out who may not actually leave the house! But will more of her signature baby talk save Kaitilin’s game this week? If evicted, will Kaitlyn meet up with Barney Stinson & Ted Mosby at their bar? Will future can’t-fail puzzles in BB now include a production earpiece and a labeled answer key secretly taped to the floor? Will Julie Chen’s birthday gift to Carrie Biggs be an extended Kaitlyn interview? And now that Kaitlyn and her guy drama is gone, will a long-attempted-but-never-succeeded Female Alliance finally work for the first time in BB history? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (And if these quick bullet points don’t satisfy your needs for Previous’lies, feel free to read my full-blown recap of last night’s heartbreaking “Fessy’s Choice” POV episode RIGHT HERE!). We pick things up at the close of Fessy’s POV ceremony on Day #34. There are lots of tears (hey, Kaitlyn!), a dash of summer camp love (hey, Fessy & Haleigh!), and a metric ton of confusion (hey, everyone else in the house!) about what happened with JC almost going up & the power app implications for the week. Fessy DR: I can tell Kaitlyn was heartbroken, and I care for her a lot, but I really got a thing for Haleigh…so I’m hoping at the end of the day, this reassures Haleigh and that she’ll now ride with me. And Kaitlyn’s gotta leave now, right?! I mean there’s no way we could evict Kaitlyn tonight only to have production rig an easy play-in comp for her to return just to bring all the drama back, right? We now see Sam running down the hallway to chase almost-nominee/best friend JC, where she hugs him, kisses him on the cheek, picks him up, and literally carries him another 20 feet into the bedroom like a 4’8” sack of potatoes. In mid-carry, JC emotionally tells her that she scared him to death, she replies that “I was never going to put you up” (welllllll…), and DR’s that she chose Rockstar because so many people in the house were stressed by her Brett drama with the pots and pans, and how now the house needs to decide who they want to give the chance to play their way back in. We now swing into the lounge where Kaitlyn is adding to her Best Actress audition reel, by emotionally muttering by herself to the cameras “Whyyyyyyyyy did he promise me??! I’m sick of men making promises that they can’t keep!” like she’s in the 2nd act of a Lifetime TV movie (and to be fair, this is an entirely understandable question to a certain point; beyond that point, however, a more honest question of “Why did I ‘throw” the POV to Fessy when I could have just saved myself directly?”, or “Why do I consistently demonstrate a pattern of blaming other people when I feel life is ‘unfair’, instead of life-coaching myself back into perspective?”, but that is reflective self-awareness tea for another day…). Bayleigh comes into the lounge and gives her some hugging support, and then our POV winner Fessy rolls in to see what words need to be said & heard right about now. Bay leaves these two Former #1’s to their summit meeting. Fessy clearly has no real good place to begin, so he starts by saying “You still got a chance” as he does know that Rockstar is vulnerable, and that he wants to express that his sincere desire has always been to figure out a way to get both Haleigh & Kaitlyn to stay this week. (NOTE: You’re a fool, Fessy!!! Kait needs to go!!) But Kait is not having this pep talk at all, and just gets back on the “I Will Play BB Emotionally 24/7/365, So Screw Your Reasonable Logic!” train, and emotionally breaks down into more “you knew what you were doing, you knew if you didn’t save me that I would be going home, men have looked me in my eyes my entire life and lied to me, you knew you were lying to me, I look like an idiot!” rhetoric. Cards on the table, I have never been a Kaitlyn fan, but I sincerely felt sorry for her here. A lot of baggage from the HG’s lives get played out before the world in a game of human dynamics like BB, and all of this rage/confusion/pain is clearly sprouting from seeds of fear that have been planted during different experiences of her 24 years of life. Fessy is clearly understanding this in a deeper way right now, his face buried in his hands in some shared sadness, and he’s stifling his desire to likely reinforce that this is all a game (knowing that much of what Kaitlyn is externally processing right now has little to do with the game, and much more with the pre-BB wounds that she brought into BB which now have been broken open again). But Kait wants to more deeply investigate the “crimes” of Fessy’s POV lies, and asks why he did this, and wants to know when he decided to not save her. In a moment of Too Much Honesty (for this heated moment, at least), he answers by saying that “the more I thought about what you did to Swaggy” is what led him to his decision, and this (predictably) unleashes some self-righteous sanctimony rage from Kaitlyn as she denies that she did anything wrong with how she handled his best friend Swaggy’s secret backdoor eviction, and finally angrily concludes “that’s it, fine, I know where you stand now, I know where you stand!” Soooooo there’s all that. We now visit the kitchen, where Sam (after spending time doing damage control for her almost surprise-nominating best friend JC) is now clumsily explaining the power app details to everyone and why she nom’d Rockstar to sit next to Kaitlyn, attempting to frame all of this like she just did them a favor by nominating them this week. Sam: “So I’m putting up someone I care about, so they have a chance to come back. But at the same time, well, you’re first gettin’ yourself evicted. So it’s like…whattya do?” The other HG’s politely look at her and nod their heads in faux-understanding, while all likely asking themselves internally, “Sam does understand that being evicted is a bad thing, right? Can we get her a copy of the BB Rule Book?”. We now visit the store room, where 2 of Kaitlyn’s fellas (Tyler & Fess) are meeting to talk about how Kait is doing after the POV meltdown. Fess tells Tyler that “she’s REAL mad” (duh, Fessy, of course she is! Have you just met Kaitlyn for the first time ever tonight?!). Tyler DR: Kaitlyn is a super big wildcard in the game, but I’ve been able to be in her ear about basically everything, so keeping her around for as many future weeks as I can use her is totally beneficial to me. I mean, are we sure that all 6 of her spirit guides moved into the BB house with her? Or are all 6 of her spirit guides just named Tyler, and so she’s predisposed to doing whatever she thinks I want? Haleigh now comes into the store room, and she & Fess cheer the usage of the POV to save her. After a celebratory moment of summer camp love, Haleigh turns into Debbie Downer and starts asking Fess what he plans to do with the Kaitlyn vote this week. Fessy – either because he truly doesn’t know what to do, or because his brain hurts from Kaitlyn Emotional Overload – mumbles for a bit and then says, “I’m gonna do…(more long pausing)…what you want”, committing to vote together with Haleigh to evict Kait. We now see Kaitlyn & Tyler talk in the Pink Room, where K shares her sadness about Fessy’s alleged betrayal, telling Tyler “I’m so upset I put so much trust in a man that wasn’t my dad” (Note/reminder to Kaitlyn: YOU ARE PLAYING A GAME! PUMP THE BREAKS, LADY! YOU MET THESE GUYS 30 DAYS AGO, DON’T EQUATE THEM TO YOUR DAD!!). Kaitlyn now switches to baby-talk mode (UGH), and coyly/tearfully asks Tyler if he thinks she has the votes to stay against Rockstar. Tyler reassures her that he thinks that he, Brett, Angela, Rachel, Kaycee, are possible votes to keep her, but she needs to get one more, and suggests she talks to JC and make a deal with him. Kaitlyn ends this segment, by emotionally thanking Tyler by whispering “Now you’re my only one”, likely intending for that to make Tyler feel positive about her exclusivity toward their bond, but it’s much more likely making Tyler want to ask production about filing an in-game restraining order against Kaitlyn during his next visit to the DR. Back from commercial, and we see the HG’s wildly pendulum swinging back and forth about who to evict (or more to the point, who to take their chances on coming back into the game). It seems the members of Level 5 want Rockstar out, some for personal reasons (go away, Brett), and others for more game reasons (Tyler, Angela, Rachel, Kaycee all feel that Kaitlyn would serve their voting interests in the near future, while Rockstar will likely target some of their group if she were to win HOH). And yet JC is very much of the opinion that Kaitlyn is a crazy person and completely unpredictable in what she may do (citing that she sold out the very alliance she NAMED in the first week), and that Rockstar is just a weaker overall competitor than Kaitlyn, and therefore an easier target to keep in the game moving forward. We now switch to the Pink Room for more of Kaitlyn’s Guilt’splosion toward Fessy. He’s trying to encourage her, saying that she can get the votes to stay against Rockstar, but she dramatically replies that “you wrote my eviction sentence!” He then tells her that she has been his best friend and that he cares for her, and she rolls her eyes at all of this and insists that he “stop lying to me, just stop lying!” She continues much of her same emotion from the early convo (you did this to me, why did you do this to me, I’m going home because you did this to me), and finally asks if she can count on his vote to stay this week. He matter of factly tells her that Yes, he is voting for her to stay (even while in the store room, he told Haleigh that they’d vote together to evict Kaitlyn, doh!), and after more of Kaitlyn’s projecting her past history with men onto Fessy, he does buck up and reminds her that “we all have a past” and that can’t be a part of all of this now. Fessy DR: I’m tired of these endless cycles with Kaitlyn, she goes on these huge emotional swings and takes everything personally, and I just have to tell her what she wants to hear at this point. But I do know that if I vote her out, and she comes right back, that I will be her #1 target. I mean unless Kaitlyn completely chokes on what is sure to be the easiest play-in comp in BB history, my life will be a mess next week! In case we all have forgotten, there actually is ANOTHER nominee on the block this week, and CBS decides that we should probably see how she’s doing in all of this. We visit the backyard, and see B-leigh, H-leigh, Scottie, and Fessy relaxing at the hammock. Rockstar comes up a bit sad with her current life station, but the 4 friends do a solid job reassuring her that 1) she is of value to them, and 2) that she can count on them for votes. They tell her that today was tough, but that she just needs to start with a new day tomorrow, and get 2 more votes (to add to their four…but who knows what Fessy will do, ha), and get herself to stay. Bayleigh candidly, yet very supportively, tells her that she needs to get out of her comfort zone, put in the work to relationship-build, and have the one-on-one conversations with Tyler, Angela, Rachel, and even Brett, to make the case to stay. Rockstar receives all of this in a super-supportive and constructive way, feeling like she has friends that are walking with her in all of this stress (which is a drastic contrast to Kaitlyn’s conversations with people, most of whom are just so exhausted by her dramatic self-focused energy). Rockstar DR: At first, I really wasn’t feeling like campaigning, but now I really know I’ve got my friends behind me, so I’ve got some work to do! I’m not going out on Week 4! Good for you, Rockstar & the encouraging friends. It’s a nice life lesson to all of us. Next up, we see Rockstar take Bayleigh’s advice, get out of her comfort zone, and finds Big Bad Bro Brett alone in the kitchen. She decides to try and forge some connection with him by stroking his ego (smart lady!), telling him that she was definitely upset with the lying speech he gave on eviction night/HER DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY, but can see that he did it as a game move, and even more so acknowledges that it worked to create some chaos and take the target of off himself. She ends by giving him that credit, telling him that she respects the game move, and that “game recognize game”. Brett DR’s that he doesn’t particularly like Rockstar, but he can definitely see that he needs to weigh his voting options between going the personal vendetta path, or the path of strategic gameplay. Looks like Rockstar’s plan to get out of her comfort zone and WORK WORK WORK for votes is starting to move the needle a bit in her direction… Continuing this narrative momentum, we go to the lounge and see that Brett, Tyler, Kaycee, and Angela are getting caught up on their voting status. Brett actually shares with the group that he now thinks that it makes sense to take their shot to evict Kaitlyn. He acknowledges that she makes him pretty nervous, that she’s unpredictable (citing her Swaggy vote), and that she’s a ticking time bomb. He also suggests that Rockstar “sucks at the game” so that there wouldn’t be a lot of exposure to keeping her in the game for now. We now zip into a convo between Tyler and Sam, and Sam tells him that she wants Kaitlyn out of the house. She says that if there is a 5-5 tie, that she will break the tie by voting Kaitlyn out. Tyler DR’s that he sees that the tide is turning, and that he’s in a bad spot because if he votes Kaitlyn out and she returns, she will be furious with him, but if he votes to keep Kaitlyn, many in the house may now be mad at him. Back from commercial, and it’s time for eviction! Rockstar is the first to give her speech, and she gives shoutouts to family and Baltimore, gives love to everyone in the house, takes a playful zing at Brett, and as she plugs her instagram, Julie thankfully wraps her up. Kaitlyn starts her speech by “thanking my teachers, Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, and Marianne Williamson” (What?? Kaitlyn, IF any of these inspired modern thinkers even have a clue who you are, I will entertain the idea of paying the $11,000 to have you be my life coach!). But that's a big IF. My guess is that, after the ridiculousness of your last 4 weeks, if you try and reach out to any of them when you get out of the house, it will be a lot of “New phone, who 'dis?" responses. She wraps up her speech with more clichéd rhetoric about truth and intuition, and before she starts talking about the horrors of the men she has known in her past, Julie thanks her for her speech. And nowwwwwwwwwwwwww, the votes! JC – VTE Rockstar (a shocker! Is he trying to set someone up with a wonky vote?) Bayleigh – VTE Kaitlyn Haleigh – VTE Kaitlyn Fessy – VTE Kaitlyn (oh no, more Fessy LIES!!!) Bad Bro Brett – VTE Kaitlyn Tyler – VTE Kaitlyn Angela – VTE Kaitlyn Kaycee – VTE Kaitlyn Rachel – VTE Kaitlyn Scottie – VTE Kaitlyn And with that, Julie announces to the house that by a vote of 9-1, KAITLYN IS EVICTED!!!! Suddenly… The App Store voice comes over the speakers, and states that the Bonus Life app has been activated. Of course, everyone knew this was coming (Sam announced it to everyone during the POV ceremony), but Kaitlyn apparently decides that she needs more submissions for her Emmy nomination reel, and hyper-dramatically collapses on the floor in tears as Julie states that she has the chance to come back into the game with a Bonus Life play-in comp. Julie says that she will compete in a live challenge in the App Store room upstairs, while the rest of the HG’s stay in the living room and watch on the monitors. So here we go, y’all! The app that CBS has been planning for 4 weeks to reveal is now here on live TV. CBS has a 99 day Big Brother calendar this season, and as a part of that production timetable, they clearly have planned for one of the first 4 weeks to have no eviction. Every BB fan knows that this comp will be an absolute layup, that it will just be super easy and achievable, and know that the only embarrassing risk on production’s part will be to not make it TOO EASY and have it appear that it’s rigged. So let’s just accept the fact that in another 5 minutes, Kaitlyn will be back downstairs, that no one will go home this week, that Sam’s HOH was meaningless, that Fessy went through all the POV drama for nothing, and we can just end the show with the start of the new HOH comp as the credits roll. Here’s to the best laid plans… Back from commercial, we see Kait is in the App Store room. Splitting the room in half is a clear wall. On one side of the wall is a large 7 piece block puzzle image of Kaitlin. Julie instructs that she is to take the puzzle apart, move it through a small hole to the other side of the wall, and then simply reconstruct the puzzle on the other side of the wall in 2 minutes and 30 seconds. That’s it. That’s all she has to do. If she can do this very straightforward task of completing a 7 piece puzzle, she can stomp down the stairs in I -Hate -Fessy bravado while CBS plays Ozzy’s Crazy Train, and we all die a little bit in our souls. So in the next minute or so (or 2:30 min at most, if Kaitlyn decides to put 6 pieces together in the first 30 seconds, and then spend much of the next 1:45 min airing grievances to the cameras for the 9 HG’s that voted her out, before finishing the puzzle in the final 15 seconds), Kaitlyn will officially return, and we will just have to accept it. So let’s just get it all over with, Julie, and start this “puzzle”. Julie asks if Kaitlyn is ready (she is) and starts the clock countdown from 2:30 min. Kaitlyn runs to the puzzle and immediately starts taking it apart and shoving the pieces thru the hole to the other side (at this point I wonder if she might be well-served to take 3-5 seconds to first mentally lock in the finished puzzle, how the pieces fit, what colors may match to what pieces, etc., but I quickly chide myself because THE ENTIRE PUZZLE IS 7 PIECES TOTAL, and it was designed to be obvious in its solution and construction by the BB production team! When they likely tested this puzzle with a room full of CBS interns, it was probably solved in only 60 seconds, but BB figured they’d put a 2:30 time on it to mask the ease of the task). So we’re 15 seconds into the puzzle comp, and Kaitlyn has all the pieces on the other side of the wall. 30 seconds into the comp, she has the legs upright on the platform…but she keeps trying to make the legs vertically touch up against each other (when in the finished puzzle, the legs actually were spread apart, and the pieces above the legs were supported by the foundation of the legs spread apart), and I begin to think that she may now finish the puzzle in 90 seconds instead of 60 seconds, taking about 30 seconds to figure out the legs. But she’d still have PLENTY of cushion time to account for reconfiguring these 7 puzzle pieces. 60 seconds into the comp, and Kaitlyn still only has her legs correctly assembled (she has a few other pieces stacked above the legs, but they are incorrect), and BB Nation begins to wonder if she may need a little over 2 minutes to finish now. Still no real need to panic, but she may not have a full 60 seconds to trashtalk the house. Just keep studying these 7 pieces in the next 90 seconds, Coach Kait, and everything will unfold as production has planned. OK, we’re now 90 seconds into the comp, Kaitlyn still has not figured out the legs, and she is audibly panicking while exhaustedly saying “No…no…nooooo” to herself! She finally decides to (smartly) construct the puzzle pieces flat on the floor (if only to benefit by cognitively seeing how the 7 pieces fit together), and she’ll still have the better part of 45 seconds to take these 7 pieces off of the flat floor and reproduce them on the platform… …as long as she doesn’t completely stop what she’s doing while proclaiming that she gives up (and that would never happen!). I’m sure not one of the CBS interns broke down mid-comp during the testing, and none of THEM were certified life coaches who are trained to calmly face the stresses of life with a positive energy! Kaitlyn will solve the mystery of these 7 pieces in no time, y’all! With 35 seconds to go, Kaitlyn has successfully put the puzzle together on the ground, huzzah!!! But now she’s panicking, announcing to the room that she can’t pick up the entire head-to-toe puzzle in one lift because “it’s too heavy!!!” Kaitlyn, YOU DON’T NEED TO PICK IT ALL UP AT ONCE!! IT’S 7 PIECES!!!! Just move them up to the platform a few pieces at a time, and you’ll be done with 10 seconds remaining!!! The puzzle is complete on the ground. Make note that the legs need to be spread out to lock in and hold the pieces above it, and YOU ARE ALL SET!!! Orrrrrrrrrrr, you can stop working on the puzzle all together, literally sit on the floor and bury your face in your hands while the clock is running, and listen to the studio audience & the HG’s below audibly scream for you to get up and keep going. I suppose that’s always an option, too. Oh what’s that, Kaitlyn? That’s the option you want to take for 5 critical seconds right now? Uhhhhh, OK…?! As the audience becomes louder to cheer her on (and the BB production team is likely paralyzed in silence that their “Can’t Fail Puzzle!” might actually FAIL and mess with their season long 99 day production calendar), she gets back up and starts to throw the pieces upright on the platform. With 15 seconds remaining, she states “it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to happen”, as she half-heartedly stacks more pieces. With 5 seconds remaining, she has managed to get all the pieces upright, but still needs to push the torso together and spread the legs out a bit wider to let the pieces naturally lock into place. But with 2 seconds left, she just kind of stops, and when time expires, she pushes the whole puzzle over in disgust and gets her mic bleeped for cursing. Julie now (incredulously) must announce that Kaitlyn has failed the bonus life comp, and K again collapses onto the floor in tears. Julie tells her that her time in the BB house is over, and that she must now gather her things, go downstairs, say goodbye to the houseguests, and walk out the door. Kaitlyn gathers her things, and to the HG’s credit, they receive her coming down the stairs with earnest applause, love, and support. She bolts by everyone though (understandably, as she’s had a lot to process in the last 10 minutes of her life), and zips out the door without much acknowledgement of anyone. Julie greets her on stage, and intercepts her just outside the door. It turns out that no one on production anticipated that the evictee tonight would fail at the puzzle, and consequently have not set up the stage blocking, lighting, or actual chairs for Julie’s standard Chen-terview of evictees. From production’s point of view, tonight’s show was going to end with the 7 piece puzzle being solved, no one would have left the house, and Julie would close things out standing at her giant monitor. Here’s to the best laid plans. After hugging Julie outside the door, Kaitlyn begins walking to the chairless interview area, but Julie pulls her back into the hug, and says that we need to go to commercial. Yes, Julie. We are all gonna need this commercial break to make sense of what just happened. Back from commercial, and we see that the CBS interns have scrambled to find some chairs to get on the stage. Julie begins her interview, but I just can’t with Kaitlyn any more. This brilliant link here pretty much hysterically captures my commentary. Ohhhhhhh, Kaitlyn. You need help. I’m not a huge fan of yours, but I do wish you well outside of the house. Tune in Sunday to see who wins HOH and nominations! Namaste, y’all!
  6. My HUGE apologies, my recap for Thursday's insane puzzle show will be up by tomorrow afternoon (before the Sun night show)!!! If you thought watching Kaitlyn blow the puzzle comp was exhausting, imagine what writing about it is like! Sorry to be late!!
  7. We’re a month into this great season of legit BB gaming, and it’s been a really entertaining run so far. Unlike last year, when The Paul Show sucked all the life out of the 2nd half of the season as HG’s blindly followed Paul’s lies to their own doom, this season has a bunch of people on different sides of the house triangulating their short & long-term objectives in some very aware/smart ways, and some very unaware/naïve ways (all of which is entertaining to us on the outside watching with popcorn in hand). Unlike last year, when so many weeks were foregone conclusions of who would be nominated/evicted (i.e., whoever Paul told them to nom/evict! #UGH), we are now in our 4th consecutive week where no one (either the HG’s in the house, or those of us watching) know who will be nominated, whether the POV will be used, who a replacement nominee would be if POV were used, or ultimately who will be going home on eviction night (and it is all of these game unknowns that make for a great BB season, so cheers – so far – to BB20!). And now the week that we have all (minus @jennknee) have been waiting for mayyyyyyy just be upon us – the possible Kaitlyn Eviction!!! But with her manic craziness which seems to manipulate many of the HG’s so well, and all 6 of her spirit guides spirit-guide’ing for their BB lives, absolutely anything can happen between tonight’s POV show and tomorrow night’s live eviction show. So fasten your seatbelts, tonight’s show is going to be a fascinating combo of an episode of The Bachelor + the heart-wrenching Oscar winning classic Sophie’s Choice (aka, Fessy’s Choice), and with a little Handmaid’s Tale thrown in! Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude earns his paper, and takes some moments to remind us of the Previous’lies: Sam got a Power App in the BB App Store which will now give this week’s evictee the chance to immediately enter right back into the game Fessy and Nicole Richie Kailtyn become “good friends” in the house, but Fessy’s “heart belongs to Taylor Swift Haleigh (#ThisWillNotEndWell #RunFessyRun!!!!) Bad Bro Brett blows up Rockstar’s game in his eviction night speech ON HER DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY Sam wins the HOH endurance comp, and nominates Nicole Richie and Taylor Swift because of how they “disrespect the young men of the house”, in one of the most personal, seemingly game-free, nomination speeches we’ve had in years (kicking off a veritable flood of gender politics/empowerment posts throughout BB social media for the last 4 days!) TONIGHT, the POV comp (and an hysterically wacky POV ceremony…wow.) awaits us, as Kaitlyn & Haleigh dance the love triangle tango with Fessy! And the 3rd most obnoxious winner in BB history (behind BB7 Mike Boogie and BB15 Andy) comes back to match Kaitlyn’s craziness while scream-hosting the POV! Will Kaitlyn’s spirit guides take the night off and not warn her about Fessy & Haleigh? Will Sam ever take a moment to understand the hypocrisy of nominating women because they hang all over the guys while she hangs all over Fessy in the HOH room? Will Fessy pull off a facemask and reveal himself to be Ross Gellar while talking to Kaitlyn? And is BB production going to be up all night creating a super easy yoga pose/essential oils/spirit guide naming competition for Kaitlyn’s possible post-eviction battle back comp?? (For as ridonkulous as Kaitlyn is, she is fascinating can’t-look-away television – perhaps she’s more can’t-look-away hot mess car chase, than the can’t-look-away inspiration of kids being saved from a cave, but CBS knows she’s recapping gold, and will likely make the play-in comp a no brainer for her…CBS has to keep her in the game at least until Zingbot visits, right? RIGHT???) Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (And for a much more hysterical dive into the above Previous’lies, feel free to check out the always snarktastically brilliant @jennknee 's recap of the densely loaded Sunday show! Mind you, in her recap she becomes a Kaitlyn apologist and bashes on rock heroes Def Leppard – two huge party fouls in the otherwise civilized world we deserve right now! Def Leppard’s drummer only has one arm, Jennknee!! Their DRUMMER!! ). We pick things up on Day #31 at the close of the nomination ceremony. Fresh from the curiously personal rationale for nominations (it was much less “I nominate you for these reasons which benefit my long-term strategy in the game”, and much more personal commentary having little to do with my own game), there are hugs all around for Kaitlyn & Haleigh. Sam DR: I nominated Haleigh and Kaitlyn, who have very little respect for others, and sadly, very little respect for themselves. Flipping your hair around and laying all over everybody is not female empowerment. I’m old fashioned, and to me, being a lady is what makes me feel empowered. Because of my power app, one of them will have the chance to come back, but I don’t think either one of them have the grit to fight back. And if one of them did come back, I think they’d be easily sent back out. But if they do come back and gang up on me, it is TOTALLY my fault! Remind me, why did I win HOH this week when I had the power app to protect me?? That was kinda stupid, huh? Kaitlyn DR: I am upset that I am nominated, but I have never been the kind of girl that gives up. I will win the Veto. Unless I throw it to Fessy. Because I love him. And I love my boyfriend. And I may also be in love with Tyler and Brett. Because I’m complicated. And wait, do I still have a boyfriend? Hello, is this microphone on?? Fessy DR: The nomination ceremony couldn’t have gone any worse. The two people I’m closest to in the house got nominated together. If I get picked to play in the Veto and win, I have no idea what I’m going to do. Does someone have a copy of a Sophie’s Choice DVD laying around here? Kaycee DR: I love Sam, but the way that she came at Kaitlyn and Hayleigh, I am not down with at all. They are both great people, I don’t feel like they are disrespecting the guys, it was pretty savage on Sam’s part. Oh, and hey America, it’s great to get some camera time again!! As the post-nom hugs wind down, there is an awkward Sam convo in kitchen as she rather maternally pulls Kaitlyn & Haleigh over to explain womanhood. Kaitlyn then feels compelled in this moment to apologize for disrespecting the young men of the BB20 household, only to have Sam interrupt her apology saying that it will be her actions which will speak louder than her words (true, Sam, totally true…but pretty savage in that moment – read the room, Sam, let the nominations breathe for few moments, yes?). But Sam continues, and tells them both: Whatever is fueling your fire right now, just take it to the competition. I mean, it’s my job to nominate two people, plain and simple. Do most people nominate two people based on some sliver of actual game-strategy? Sure! But this is 2018 America we are living in, and making game decisions primarily fueled by my moral opinion on the appropriateness of your personal conduct seemed the better way to play it in today’s world, even if it potentially jeopardizes my broader standing in the house! We now check in on Tyler’s visit to Sam’s HOH room for some post-nom assessments. Sam still seems very calmly resolved with both her nomination decisions, and with the manner in which she announced her nomination decisions, and Tyler just takes it in and makes his own internal assessments. Sam tells him that if he gets picked, he should play POV any way he wants to, but that if she wins, she will keep nom’s the same. She does disclose here that if POV is used, she will put Rockstar up as a replacement, since she is close to both Haleigh & Kaitlyn, and had lots of drama with Brett last. Sam also shares with Tyler that once nom’s are locked after POV, she’ll tell the entire house about her Power App, and let the two final nominees know that they’ll have a chance to immediately come back in if evicted. So the POV wheels are turning for Sam (potentially leading to a POV ceremony where said wheels fall off, stay tuned…) We now swing into the Lounge Room where Krying Kaitlyn is weeping with her Emotional Support Human Tyler. Tyler reassures Kait that he didn’t know Sam felt that way, and that he never suggested to Sam that he was being disrespected by K’s behavior. Fellow nom Haleigh & Brett now join the Sadness Session, and Kaitlyn wails how unfair Sam’s characterization of her was (wellllllll…), how she is not someone who disrespects people or herself (welllllll…), and that “I have a father, brother, and a boyfriend” (wellllll….as some of you in BB Nation may know, Kaitlyn’s boyfriend of 5 years very publically broke up with her 3 weeks ago because of actions he was seeing of her in the house; but the dad and brother are still around, so 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, Kaitlyn!). Kaitlyn continues with her rant of how unfair all of this is, and then takes a quick 3 second pause to note to Brett, Tyler, and fellow nom Haleigh that “But we do look so pretty on the nomination board!” Bro Brett – who is nonstop Bro, 25 hours a day/8 days a week – replies to this by saying with a wry smile “Yeah, I’d totally pick you both up in a bar”, leading Haleigh to so violently roll her eyes, that for a split second, I may have fallen in love with her. It’s now time for Kaitlyn and Sam to have a talk about nominations (which will likely be very different than when they spoke 3 weeks ago when SamBot was a nominee, and Kaitlyn was in full-on indifference mode, telling her to simply fix her mindset and win the POV to save herself!). Get your popcorn ready, y’all. Kaitlyn starts by saying that she is not upset about being on the block (wellllllll….), but what she is truly deeply upset and hurt about are two of Sam’s specific comments from the nom speeches – that she’s disrespectful to men, and that she’s the opposite of female empowerment. Sam then matter of factly lists off the young men of the house that she has been stalking close to, and Kaitlyn concedes her point but says they are just good friends (wellllll….), but then promises that at the end if it was any guy and any girl in the Final 2 that she would vote for the girl to win because “I’m a girl’s girl” (wellllll….). That said, it would be amusing if Sam were in F2 with Tyler, and Sam played this card back to Kaitlyn to secure Kaitlyn’s vote for Sam to win BB20. Kaitlyn continues that “I’m an affectionate girl and I love to be touched, and I can’t help it (wellllll….), and if that’s my downfall that I’m too affectionate, then so be it. (Kaitlyn, I’m sure it sounds to yourself like you are making a rock solid point here, but you need to quit speaking, as you are essentially confirming Sam’s suspicions that you are a bit out of control, and shrug off the responsibilities of your actions.) Kaitlyn brings up to Sam that she is hurt by the apparent female-on-female crime, and Sam ultimately just states, “I think you and I just have different ideas of what an empowered female is.” Sam DR: I’m old fashioned, I don’t get by batting my eyelashes or asking for hugs, I command respect from other because I give it. Sam tells Kaitlyn that she respects that she is taking this in stride, but that she is not planning on using Veto, if it is won. She ends the convo telling Kaitlyn that “everything is happening for a reason” which I’m sure makes Kaitlyn and all of her spirit guides cringe in irony-drenched karma. This concludes out Gender Studies 301 graduate course (for now…). So Kaitlyn and Sam have talked, and Sam has double-down on her observation that Kaitlyn’s literally hanging all over the guys is not respectable empowering behavior for a woman who respects herself. Those of us who have watched BB for years (or who have observed the “we judge others by their actions, but judge ourselves by our intention” realities of the human condition) can guess what’s coming up next! Fessy & Sam hang all over each other in HOH!!!! Seems like Sam wants to talk to Fessy and discuss the nom’s (esp since both nom’s are apparently his “#1” in the game…?), and Sam opens the convo in a reassuring way, letting Fessy know that everything is going to be OK and that she is not upset with him. Sam then shares with Fessy (carefulllllllll, Sam…) that “since Day 1, I have adored you, you’re so kind and so whole.” Fessy now gets up to hug Sam in some mix of sincere appreciation & trying to stay on the good side of the HOH, and the hug then collapses into the sofa for an awkwarddddddddd amount of time, as CBS captions Sam joyfully saying in full embrace, “You make me so happy, Fessy! You really are a genuine, beautiful person. Oh my God, I’m here always. Just like this. I promise.” Fessy DR: I just need to make sure that she knows that I am the sweet Fessy that she thinks I am. I just don’t want to be replacement nom. To be fair, Fessy has had a rough 3+ weeks in the house, as every single vote so far has gone the opposite of what he was told, and that Kaitlyn lied to him by evicting his best friend Swaggy. So he’s a bit of a spinning compass, having no idea who to trust. But this whole HOH scene is a mess. At this point, Sam and Fessy are deep into an awkwardly long cuddle session on the HOH couch (if Kaitlyn would have walked into the HOH room right now, SHE WOULD HAVE BURNED THE BULDING DOWN TO THE GROUND). Sam continues to say how Fessy is “a big, good looking dude, and as long as you are here, I will love you” and tells the camera (invitingly speaking to all females not named Haleigh or Kaitlin!) that “ladies, this is a 100% pure gold dude, right here.” That sound you hear is all of Kaitlyn and Haleigh’s families throwing everything they own at their television in irony-induced rage. Fresh from the cuddle session, Fessy feels he needs to now shore up his bonds with both of his #1’s , and see if he can get himself picked as a HG Choice option for POV if that chip is drawn (primarily to keep himself from being a replacement nom, but he will totally Trojan horse that secret logic into an altruistic framework). Fessy meets Kaitlyn in the lounge, and suggests she pick him for POV. She’s open to considering it, but says that she is scared to pick him, in case he saved Haleigh over her. Fessy meets Haleigh in the pink room for some hysterically perfect lather/rinse/repeat’ing from the convo with his other #1, Kaitlyn: he suggests she pick him for POV. She’s open to considering it, but says that she is scared to pick him, in case he saved Kaitlyn over her. In the end, Fessy gets BOTH WOMEN to agree to pick him if they get Houseguest Choice for POV, and that sound you hear is all of BB Nation making popcorn for the can’t-take-my-eyes-off-the-screen mess that all of this could be for Fessy. It’s now time to pick POV names (after setting up the #Fessy’sChoice angle for the entire episode, BB better have thrown a dozen chips with Fessy’s name or HG Choice in the POV box, because WE NEED TO SEE HIM GET PICKED AND WATCH HOW HE’S GOING TO GET HIMSELF OUT OF THIS MESS OF SELF-PRESERVATION DOUBLE SPEAK!!!!) HOH Sam picks an HG Choice chip and proudly picks her best friend JC (here’s to best friendship! #StayTuned) Kaitlyn picks Rockstar. Haleigh picks Houseguest Choice, and picks Fessy, huzzah!!! (Seriously, y’all, we may need to get Haleigh to wear her Hamlet costume for the rest of this episode, because the spirits are guiding this episode into straight-up Shakespearean levels of drama at this point). Haleigh DR: I picked Fesse because he’s already promised he’d play for me, and this could not be more perfect! Kaitlyn DR: Haleigh picks Fessy, and I’m feeling a little worried. I’m just hoping Fessy feels the same way I feel about him, which is “I have you, no matter what!” I mean, I had you until I needed to backdoor your best male friend in the house and lie to you about it all week. But yeah, I totally have you no matter what! As we transition to the time in the episode when it’s time to get our POV on, the doorbell rings, and suddenly BB12 &13’s Rachel Reilly comes screaming into the house and DR in all of her loud Vegas’ness. Cards on the table, I have never been a fan of Rachel Reilly, she stresses me out so hard. But she did win a season (but it was against Porsche, so settle down, Rachel), she was a legit comp beast winning lots of HOH’s and POV’s, and I get that CBS is bringing back past HG’s in its 20th year…so I’ll calm myself (or at least mute my television if she starts scream-talking in her signature tenor). #ButFirst, before we get to the comp, Kaitlyn needs to have one last confirmation check-in with Fessy about POV plans, making sure that he still plans to use it on her, and wondering if she should throw it to him so that they can both be safe from nomination (seriously, Bill Shakespeare himself is now editing tonight’s episode, this is so hysterically rich). K: I need to ensure that you are going to save me. So should I throw it to you, or what? (Quick note: we are now in the 20th year of BB, and HG’s still don’t understand that you don’t throw a POV comp WHEN YOU ARE ON THE BLOCK!!!) F: Well if you can, yeah. K: Because if I win, I am safe, but if you win, we can both be safe. F: Well if you can throw it to me, throw it to me, and I’ll save you. K: Are you gonna?? F: Yes! K: Shake on it? (and they do, the “deal” is sealed) But now Fessy has to quickly find Haleigh to cover his bases! Fessy to Haleigh in the hallway: Kaitlyn cornered me, and said she was she was going to throw it to me, because she thinks I’m going to save her. But I’m going to save you! I just needed to tell you in case she said something. Yeah, Fess, this isn’t good. Maybe you should have just sat this comp out, and rolled the dice on being a replacement nom. It’s time to hit the backyard for the POV comp, and we see it’s a modified version of Punch/Slap/Kick comp from last year (but it’s been modified to Chop/Bonk/Spank because Rachel Reilly is hosting it). The gist of the comp is that you’ll be Chopped/Bonked/Spanked in a series of patterns, and then Rachel will ask a question about the pattern. After 7 questions, the person with the most points wins. There’s a lot of back forth on answers, and some painful moments of watching poor JC get hammered in the crotch by the Chop arm (seriously, could they not have height-adjusted the Chop arm, or given him an apple box to stand on, what is happening?!). After some amusing DR’s, and a few shots of Scottie watching and crying in laughter at tiny JC being beat down by the comp, we get to the final question, and Fessy is in the lead (he went 6 for 6, impressive!). Kaitlyn DR’s that since Fessy is already beating her by 1 point, she is going to intentionally get it wrong, and “throw it” to Fessy (sweetheart, I don’t think it counts as “throwing it” to him when he already has a perfect score and you are losing, but whatev’s…if you think it is a noble gesture, so be it). After the final question, we see that Fessy has won the POV!!! We now immediately imagine that the ghost of William Shakespeare, the production team from Sophie’s Choice, Chris Harrison from The Bachelor, and Def Leppard’s one-armed drummer Rick Allen are all high-fiving at the amazing theater of decision-making emotion that await us in the closing 15 minutes of this episode. Because if Sam thought Fessy, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh were hanging all over each other BEFORE the POV comp, she better avert her eyes for the upcoming segment of POV campaigning. Fessy DR: He is CRYING that he won, he doesn’t know what to do, he loves them both, more crying (DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THROWN THE COMP!!!!!) Kaitlyn DR: Fessy won the competition, and this is so great! Haleigh DR: This is great! Fessy promised me that he would save me with this veto! Kaitlyn DR: He PROMISED me safety, and that he’d use the Veto on me. Haleigh DR: Now he’s safe and so am I! Kaitlyn DR: Now I get to stay here another week! Seriously, Fessy. You should have thrown the comp. And so we now move to the Get Out The Vote campaign effort: We kick things of with Fessy & Haleigh in the pink room, as she discusses the steps of his using POV on her. Fessy: Just trust me. I got you. Haleigh: Promise? Fessy: (longgggggg pause, actually running his hands thru his hair, likely deliberating philosophical questions like “What is a promise, really?”) Uh, yeah. So now it’s time to visit the Fessy & Kaitlyn convo! But before we do, let’s all take a break and let our collective vibrational energy shifts become a bit more settled. I’ll wait. Ready? Ok, good. Now let’s check in on Kaitlyn & Fess. K – All I know is, I believe in you, and I believe that you will always do what is right by me, and I don’t need to keep reminding you. In saving me, you are solidifying “our 2”, and we are “it” til the end. If I come off the block, no matter who Haleigh is up against, she will stay. (Wowwwwww, she’s good, y’all.) F: You don’t think you’d stay? K: Noooooooooo, are you kidding, I’ve done too many things! Fessy is rubbing his face, no longer making eye contact. Doh! Leave the room, Fessy, LEAVE THE ROOM!!! K: Wait, did you promise her too?? Kaitlyn DR: So I begin to notice a vibrational shift in Fessy’s energy, and this is freaking me out because he made a promise to me! F – I need to try and find a way to keep you both in the game, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do! K – You know if I stay on the block, I’m going home! F – What do you want me to say, Haleigh…uh, I mean, Kaitlyn? Kaitlyn storms off in a rage, and America’s head is spinning that this is an even bigger mess than we could even imagine! We now visit Tyler & Sam in HOH, as Tyler wants to confirm that the plan to put up Rockstar is still in play. But, mysteriously, Sam is not telling him anything. He says she should put up Rockstar because it would be the least amount of blood on her hands, and it would be easy. But she stays ice cold to his questioning…what is happening??? So it’s now time to join one of the most amazingly dramatic POV ceremonies EVER (and shockingly, it’s a ceremony where Fessy’s Rose Ceremony decision may actually be the least dramatic thing to occur): Fessy takes the center of the room and announces that he will use the POV to save….HALEIGH!! Rachel & Bayleigh are visibly shocked, and Kaitlyn cries. Sam gets up to renom: Sam: Fessy won POV, so I’m forced to renom. I haven’t really thought much about it…sooooooo…right now, I think I’m going to put up somebody who I think the whole house really enjoys…and is my best friend (camera cuts to a PANICKED Tyler & JC, eyes bugging out!)….and I believe (now looking in JC’s general direction) that you’re going to stay… JC (emotionally, in an historic POV ceremony interruption, because there are actual rules that you are not supposed to speak in the POV ceremony): I don’t think it’s the right thing to do, Sam. I would never do that to you. Sam: (pivoting, very matter of factly) Alright then, I’m gonna put up Rockstar (as both JC & Tyler’s heads collapse in relief, as Fessy, Angela, and Bay cover their mouths & faces in shocked confusion). Rockstar takes her seat, and Sam now introduces her power app to the room, making this surreal scene even more crazy. Sam: I got the first Power App, and since I did not use it, it is automatically offered at this eviction. Whoever gets evicted this week will have the chance to come back into the house. Period. Sam then abruptly sits down, and Fessy adjourns POV ceremony. Fessy DR: I did what I had to do, I took Haleigh down, Kaitlyn is clearly made at me, it’s a lose/lose for me. Maybe I should have listened to BB3Roddy’s advice and just thrown the competition and saved my sanity. JC DR: Sam, what are you doing?! I’m here on your team! This is not how Big Brother works, you put your enemies on the block, not your friends! And you now have plenty of enemies in this house. The Chop/Bonk/Spank comp was less painful to me than what you did. Sam DR (voice-over’ed, as she picks him up and literally carries him in a hug down the hallway, making this the 2nd time this episode where she has had a dude draped all over her): Everybody loves JC! If he were up against Kaitlyn in a vote, he would stay. But when I looked at him, I lost all my nerve and didn’t have the heart to do it. So I chose Rockstar. Rockstar DR: I feel very hurt by what Sam did today. She put up 3 strong women this week. I don’t know why I was the one to go up! Kaitlyn DR: The Wrath of Kaitlyn has begun. If I come back, I AM COMING FOR PEOPLE, and I’ll play the damn game, and I’ll play it dirty, even if I have to shove all 6 of my spirit guides into all my crystals and flush all my crystals in the HOH toilet! And Fessy will go home. Tune in for Thursday’s live show where the actions of HOH Sam will likely be completely undone by the Power App of Sam, making her HOH reign a curious flat circle in the annuls of BB history. With any luck, Kaitlyn will be evicted, come back into the house 5 minutes later, and then (is it possible???) become the new HOH and gift us with one of the all-time cases of HOH-itis in the 20 year history of HOH’s. I’ll be back to do the recap for the eviction show, wish me luck on processing so much in 48 hours!
  8. @jennknee - suffice to say you had A LOT to cover in last night's one hour documentary on the deconstruction of race & gender empowerment in 2018's America during last night's show (all of that, AND you probably need to do a few thousand hysterical words on Kaitlyn explaining Sam's vote-flip power to Tyler -- that was amazing television). So we wish good luck to you & all of your Kaitlyn-borrowed spirit guides in finding all the words to even begin to explain the madness of last night's show! Your snark is needed for such a time as this.
  9. If @jennknee needs to switch out the 25th, then I can take the 25th and 26th and do some back-to-back recappage. Hopefully that will be a week where both Bayleigh and Tyler simultaneously use their power apps and the Chenbot gloriously short-circuits in confusion.
  10. Great job, @elizabethann, thanks for recapping!! And yes, where are @jerrye25 and @thunderstruck on HT this year?? If they are not in the BB house, or are a part of the miracle of getting the soccer team out of the caves this AM, we need to get their snark back into our lives.
  11. Well, we’ve known these idiots for almost one full week of our lives. Typically at this early point in the season, there aren’t a ton of people that we abjectly 10000% hate, but those voices you now hear are Swaggy & Kaitlyn asking us to hold their beers, because their ego & aura won’t back down from any challenge (even self-destructive ones about becoming hate-worthy). So let’s do this, Episode 3. Previously, on Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Brother!!!! Narrator Dude checks in after a well-deserved break from the Celebrity BB season, and takes some moments to remind us of the Previous’lies: The 16 HG’s move in, and immediately, Kaycee gets a unitard, Sam becomes a Bot, and Swaggy wins a comp to keep 8 of the 16 HG’s safe from eviction. Tyler wins the HOH, making Steve nervous because he “already told work that he needed the entire summer off!” Doh. Probably should have saved up those vacation days, buddy. Winston decides to quit daydreaming about his beloved gun, and forms an alliance with some of the pretty people + the sitting HOH. Meanwhile, King Swaggy forms a vibing mellow alliance with Faysal, Bayleigh, Haleigh, Rockstar, Katilyn, and Kaitlyn’s 3rd Eye (though, I’m not sure if any of them realize that the 3rd Eye does not get an eviction vote, no matter now much Kaitlin manifests the 3rd Eye into becoming a voting member of the house). Swaggy & his crew go to HOH Tyler’s room to get him to put up “big targets” Winston & Angela, but Tyler thinks a better big target would be to put up his girl Bayleigh to knock Swaggy down a couple (million) pegs. At the nomination ceremony, Tyler plays it safe by nom’ing last-place comp finishers Steve & Sambot, but is open to a big-move re-nom of Bayleigh, if Swaggy’s swagginess gets even more unbearably swaggtastic. TONIGHT, alliances are forming and stumbling all over themselves trying to come up with a stoooopid name (@jennknee 's favorite thing ever!)! Romances (and romance denials) are forming! And the BB Den of Temptation App Store (“Yes, an App Store, let’s call our contrived efforts to manipulate the game an App Store this year!” –BB20 Production) opens for business! Who will receive a Power App to get some arbitrary Paul-like protection of their game? Who will get the Crap App and choose to eat non-Muslim-approved foods? And will Sam’s endearing southern charms be cute enough for America to let it slide when the Sambot electrocutes Kaitlyn to death (the answer is Yes, of course, because Kaitlyn is AWFUL)? Let’s find out…. …right now… ……on Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother! (And for very deserved laughter on the above Previous’lies, feel free to check out @dc20willsave 's snarktastic recappage!) It’s at this point in recent seasons when I have enjoyed – in an effort to decipher the character archetypes that CBS has chosen to cast – doing a full deconstruction of the new season’s splash-credit intros of the HG’s. But I’m skipping out this year, because CBS IS RECYCLING ALL THEIR MOVEMENTS FROM PAST HG’S!!! It’s like CBS doesn’t have the time or energy to get a lowly intern to come up with 16 individual four-second motions for them to fake their way thru as they splash (to wit: the two-handed “come here” move done by Swaggy, was done by both BB19 Matt and BB16 Devin; the “blown kiss” from Haleigh was done by both BB16 Brittney and BB18 Natalie; the peace sign from Rockstar was done three times in the past by BB16 Frankie, BB18 Bridgette, and BB19 Alex; the “I’ve got a secret” pose done by Angela was also done by BB17 Jason and BB19 Jessica; the one-handed “come here” move by Rachel was done by BB19 Elena). Come on CBS! Simply get Julie Chen’s clothing & stylist intern (who has been badly phoning it in lately, per Bailey Gambill) to create some NEW intro moves for the new HG’s. It can’t be that hard. (OR, do a better job casting a greater range of HG’s instead of the color-by-numbers personalities that allow you to simply recycle the intro footage…but that’s a longer post for another day). That said, this year’s intros do give us something — namely, the Plaid Shirt theory is back in play. During 4 consecutive BB seasons (BB16, BB17, BB18, and BB Over The Top), there was at least one HG wearing plaid clothing in the splash credits, and each of these 4 HG’s won their season (BB16 Derrick, BB17 Steve, BB18 Nicole, and BBOTT Morgan). In BB19 no one wore plaid, and in Celebrity BB, everyone was obviously wayyyyyyyyy too fancy for plaid. But after two plaid-free seasons, Sam the welder is back with a plaid shirt for the BB20 intros. So if she can survive these early days of being a Bot, expect her to win BB20, done and done. But since we have the better part of 90 days until we crown Sam the BB20 winner at the finale, I guess I’ll keep writing tonight’s recap… We pick things up on Day #5 at the close of the nomination ceremony. Tyler DR: I put up Sam and Steve because they finished last in the HOH comp. But it’s still early, there is POV to play, so I just have to play it cool right now. Steve DR: It sucks, I’m on the block right now. But, I’m not a wallflower. I don’t sit there and cry and live off of sympathy like I’m a Russo Sister! I’m a New Jersey cop! So I’m gonna show these houseguests that this doesn’t phase me at all. Now, off to the Bada Bing! Swaggy DR: Mannnnnn, Tyler’s game is whack as HELL! He had a chance to get a big threat out this week, and he puts up Sam and Steve! What are they going to do to you?! Looks like I’m gonna have to get caught in a showmance that would be destructive to my game, if only to put a bigger spotlight on Bayleigh and help Tyler make a “big move” nomination after POV! We now go to the backyard, where newly-nom’ed Steve tells a group of HG’s that he’s ready to rock, he’s got the mindset to fight and he’s ready to fight for POV. HOH Tyler then comes out and starts crying like a Russo Sister (but unlike the manic Russo’s, are they real tears….?), and expresses that nominations were hard and that he’s sorry he had to do it. Steve DR’s that “Tyler is a good kid, and it breaks my heartstrings to see him so upset.” Tyler sheepishly says to them that he knows he’s the last person that should be crying. This gets a hug from Steve, a hug from Bayleigh, empathy from JC, and then leads to the DR reveal from Tyler that it was largely a fake tears exercise to make them think he’s a softie that can be reeled in emotionally. So if that was the objective, then #MissionAccomplished Mr. HOH, it worked. Next up, we see Rockstar go into the Store Room and ask, “Hey, Sam, are you in here?” to which the SamBot replies, “Yes, I’m in here. I’m a robot. I can barely control my motorized movements, I have no functioning arms or apposable thumbs, and so if I’m left by myself in any room with a closing door, OF COURSE I’m here!” (Seriously, who left her by herself in the store room?!) But grateful for any attention that any HG wants to throw her way, Sam tells Rockstar that she’d love to do some one-on-one’s with other HG’s in the store room and hear from them any thoughts they have on the game. Rockstar says she’ll put the word out and send people in. We start things off with the insanely loud-chewing Bayleigh as she channels Lily Aldrin being completely indifferent to the SamBot convo while devouring some Baked Lays in one giant mouthful. Next up is JC, trying to be helpful to SamBot and reassure her that even if nom’s stay the same, that she would be safe and Steve would go home. Now it’s Haleigh’s turn to gig ‘em, #ButFirst, she asks if SamBot’s volume can be turned down, because she’s still too hung over from the Tri-Delt party from the last semester at A&M and everything is just too loud. Then Winston comes in for his Sam session, and asks if SamBot’s volume can be turned up because he had a 24 hour rager with both his gun at the shooting range & dog Dixie at the bark park before moving into the BB house, and he still can’t hear anything from the loud happiness he experienced. Tyler now comes to chat, and earlier fake-crying aside, he sincerely seems to care about Sam, he doesn’t want her to go home, and he would like to work with her going forward. But then this sincere bonding moment between Tyler & SamBot is completely blown up by “life coach” (air quotes intended) Kaitlyn, who clearly shoved all of her coaching empathy into a crystal and then told one of her 6 spirit guides to bury it in another dimension. SamBot asks Kaitlyn what she thinks of the nominations, and (with HOH Tyler still in the room) passive-aggressively states, “To be honest, I’m not like, shocked that you were nominated…it just made the most sense, you were, like, an easy target because, like, you haven’t really been here…”, as the screen of the SamBot begins to hysterically show her with raised eyebrows at what she is so insensitively hearing. Kaitlyn then starts angrily riffing on Sam’s “mindset” being ready to play this game, and that she needs to just get herself off the block! You must be an ah-may-zingggggggg “life coach”, Kaitlyn. Imagine with me, readers, our Krazy Kaitlyn with a client who… Is struggling with unemployment: Uh, if you’re stressed about unemployment, you need to just go out and get a job! Is struggling with depression: Uh, depression is so hard! I think the best solution is to just make yourself happy! Is struggling with a relationship: Yes, relationships are both the best and the worst! So just work harder at the relationship…or don’t. Either one, it’s all good (said as she indifferently leaves the coaching session while putting on sunglasses with a 3rd eye tinted lense). Listen, I think life coaching and life inspiration is fine. And believing in higher powers/spirits is certainly fine as well. But something tells me that Life Coach Kaitlyn is much more like Paris Gellar's life coach Terrance, than she is the Dalai Lama. SamBot then asks Kaitlyn what she would do if she were the one who was nom’d as a robot, and after a few more cavalier Well-I’d-just-start-fighting platitudes (which we will all now note, for the time when Kaitlyn is eventually nominated!), SamBot lost her cool and said that if Kaitlyn were actually a robot, that she wouldn’t be able to be in the hot tub with Faysal, and Kaitlyn, all 3 of her eyes, and all 6 of her spirit guides storm out of the store room in anger. Good times. Back from commercial, and it’s time to learn more about the burgeoning duo that is Steve & Scottie. It seems that Steve can read Scottie well, feels he is smart, and could be a beast in the comps, but is choosing to keep it on the low for right now. Steve feels they complement each other well, and we now see segments of the 2 of them riding the exercise bikes, chatting on the outdoor sofas, discussing clothing, and just developing a sincere bond. DR’s Steve: That kid is loyal, and I like him. Good for the two of y’all. Just don’t name your alliance, and we’ll all be fine… As you know, past seasons of BB have had unusually high numbers of showmances (UGH). We all lucked out with Celebrity BB being showmance-free this winter (and arguably led to better gameplay for the season, score us), but these idiots are seemingly a group that will revert back to thinking that showmances are completely awful to anyone’s BB game, except when they do it, in which case they’ll be able to easily strike the perfect balance of summer camp love and locked-in game focus. And so it’s time to get caught up on the “This Time It’s Different!” love of Bayleigh & Swaggy’s “Showmance/No-mance/OK Maybe We Are A Showmance?” soap opera. Swaggy DR’s that “she’s the dopest girl” and looks forward to talking with her for hours every night after everyone goes to bed. And while Bayleigh may have moments where she stresses us viewers out, I’m confident ALL OF BB NATION was high-fiving her when she shared the following during one of their late-night chats: Bayleigh: Okay, I’ll tell you this – “Swaggy”? I don’t like it. Swaggy (confused, as if he had never heard this before from anyone in his life): WHY?! Bayleigh: Because, it’s a nickname. And it wasn’t one you inherited. You completely made it up, by yourself. Bayleigh DR: I think Swaggy is the most “extra” person on this planet. Who gives themselves a nickname, and then forces everyone in the world to call them this nickname, when no one in the world ever gave you this name??? And all the BB congregation said “Amen”. But then Bayleigh undermines her whole point by going on about how a part of her is jealous that Swaggy is so confident in himself, and how she wished she loved herself as much as he loved himself. Bay, you were so so close to a moment of clarity. But OK, we’ll shrug our shoulders, and see you off to the madness you seek. Up next we see a quick segment on Kaycee (easily one of the most likeable people in this whacked out cast) being eminently likeable. Our girl was penalized with the unitard & pinwheel (which makes her stay in the room she is in whenever it starts spinning, and she cannot leave until it stops…and seeing her grab cushions and get comfortable to nap while it spins makes us think that the pinwheel may spin for much more than a few minutes). The takeaway here is that she is seemingly handling this like a champ, still seems to have a sense of humor about it all, is seen joking back to the pinwheel, and taking it all in stride (even while missing out on Rockstar’s birthday party and house dinners). Good on you, Kaycee. In a completely crazy year of news and American life, it’s nice to see you model an ability to keep one’s spirits high, even when circumstances are not going your way. Up next, it’s time to deal with these stupid alliances and their naming exercises. Ugh. We zip up to HOH and see Bro Brett enjoying the bond with Angela, Rachel, Tyler, Winston, and Kaycee. Brett concludes “this group can go all the way” (#BBFamousLastWords), and they decide to name themselves Level 6 (because there is SIX OF THEM, DO YOU GET IT??!!! Welp, at least putting a number in the name will prevent Brett from pulling a BB16 Devin and arbitrarily adding other HG’s into the group in the middle of the night…right? RIGHT??!! Ugh, I hate these people.) They figure out a nonsense handmotion and computer blip sound (the BB20 tech theme is alive and well), and Tyler shares with them that Swaggy’s side came up to HOH and wanted him to target Angela & Winston as the Week 1 nom’s. Brett goes full-on Coach Bro, and rallies the troops by saying “Paranoia is TOXIC, but just know that the 6 of us are rock solid! We’re looking at the Final 6 right here.” (dude, bro, bro dude, WHYYYYYYYYY are you jinxing this?! It’s only the FIRST WEEK!!!) Next is more Showmance/Nomance editing for Swaggy & Bayleigh. Swags is up in HOH with the exhaustingly crazy Kaitlyn, saying that he needs to back off the Bayleigh connection because it’s taking him away from the game. We then cut to Bayleigh & Haleigh in the backyard, w/ B-leigh telling H-leigh that Swaggy is crazy and that if he ever said that he was into her, that she’d be turned off. Cue the next predictable scene of Bayleigh & Swaggy making out in bed. Because yes, even in its 20th season, BB houseguests are just that predictably discipline-free. Hysterically, shortly after their middle of the night makeout, Swaggy gets out of bed and goes full-on Buyer’s Remorse regarding Bayleigh. Swaggy DR: I’m all the way BUGGIN’! I’m an idiot. I came here for half a million dollars, I didn’t come here for some showmance! Showmances do not work in this game, the girls always win and the guys always go home, and I’m not havin’ that! So yeah. Swaggy is a mess. But we already knew that. Next we get a visit from a pigeon. No wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t have my glasses on, its Kaitlyn’s Grandpa Lou, there to validate her that she will be OK in the BB20 house! My apologies to Kaitlyn and her family. Without my glasses, I clearly can’t see very well. My bad. It’s now time to tune into the BB20 show-within-the-show: “Life is Hard for Sam”. We see lots of segments of her robot limitations in backyard, people walk by her in hallway, and essentially just moving around her robotic presence in order to play more of their own fun reindeer games. And when she comes back as human, Sam just feels ignored. We now witness her “I hate everyone, everybody sucks” speech in the Blue Room. She starts crying in bed, as Angela, Swaggy, and Rachel, emotionlessly sit there and reminder her that it’s just a game (whoo-hoo, empathy!). Thankfully, JC comes in (wait, did I just say that?!) for some positivity pep talk’ing and some tough love for Human Sam, reminding her that millions of people would love to trade places with her and be in this game, and that the robot penalty is hard, but she doesn’t need to let it bring her down and cause her to give up. JC says that she has won the lottery by being able to play this game, and that she’s only choosing to focus on the bad parts. JC’s words actually do come across very well, and Sam even appreciatingly states “that’s like the first real thing anybody has said to me since I’ve been here”. Crisis averted, well played JC. When Kaitlyn leaves the game in a huff of rage and meltdown, you should totally apply to be the new BB20 life coach. (NOTE: can we all agree that while the Robot penalty has some interested aspects, that it is COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS timing to have this penalty in Week 1, when it’s critical to get to know each other? At least Kaycee’s penalty still has her in the house, able to walk up the stairs and be in HOH during the first week, help make food for the dinners, freely open and close doors, and use her apposable thumbs to function in the house. Surely, after her meltdown in tonight’s episode and obvious lack of any social footing throughout the first week, CBS can realize the error of their timing, yes?) We’ll further deconstruct this Note in a moment, #ButFirst, it’s time for the annual reveal of the (at this point, incredibly TIRED) tradition of BB Slop. The HG’s walk into the kitchen and see the giant caldrons of slop sitting on the otherwise beautiful orange dining table. Bayleigh immediately DR’s that she is not eating slop because “it’s not fit for a Queen” (Bayleigh, I’m sorry, but you know you are playing Big Brother, right? After you leave the house, do you plan to get a job as a lifeguard and complain that you hate how wet the water is?). Unlike the glory of BB seasons past when there were food comps to determine who ate slop, we now continue to recent trend of the HOH asking for volunteers to go on slop. Winston, Brett, Scottie, Kaitlyn answer Tyler’s call, and will be making slop cookies all week. We also get to see “the most low-tech Have Not Room in BB history” which reveals tiny beds shaped like satellite dishes. We now zip out to a late night game of pool w/Swaggy & Faysal. Brett and Winston also come out, and Swag takes this opportunity to ask them to play some bro-riffic game time. Ever the bro who’s always down to bro even harder, Brett is all about playing. Winston on the other hand – either because he needed a moment to himself to regroup after hours of crying in the DR about missing his gun, or being suspicious of what it could look like for the 4 of them to be seen together – tells them that he’s going to pass on the game of pool. Swaggy & Faysal play their bro cards w/Brett and bloviate that if the 3 of them and Winston get together, that they’d run through the house like the July ants conquering the BB countertops. Swag feels the 4 of them need to have a gentleman’s bro’s agreement that they each look out for each other and go after the other moving parts of the house, as they can for sure win all the HOH’s back-to-back-to-back-to-back, saying “we about to powerhouse this whole thing, it’s a wrap!” And with this proclamation, I decide to award Swaggy “The BB18 Jozea Is The Messiah Award” given to the Week 1 houseguest who is NOT the HOH, but who has the biggest case of HOH-itis in the house. Swaggy is feeling 100000% bulletproof in the first week, which is insanely exhausting to watch, but will make his story arc recapping gold for those of us who know how Week 1 BB arrogance always plays out. Brett DR’s that he’s willing to go through the motions of this 4 man Bro alliance, but knows that Faysal & Swaggy are “writing checks that they can’t cash”, and then goes to report the news of this pool meeting to the Level 6 crew. HOH Taylor then decides that if Steve somehow wins POV, that he’d definitely be willing to put Swaggy’s girl Bayleigh up as re-nom. And speaking of Swaggy and his over-confident minions, it’s apparently time for them to formalize their alliance with a name. Ugh. I hate these people. Kaitlyn, with unnecessarily deep sincerity, DR’s that “I want to come up with the perfect name to describe us.” Kaitlyn, with deeply misplaced self-satisfaction, then announces to the group, “I came up with a great name for us: The Alliance America Hates The Most, Swaggy And His Blind Idiots, The BB18 Jozea Fan Club, FOUTTHE – Five Of Us Til The End.” Swaggy points out that there is no H in the acronym, but undeterred in her ignorance, she proclaims that “FOUTTE” (annoyingly pronounced Fow-tayyyy) is the perfect name, and then coordinates a dance shimy to sync with the pronunciation, and I throw all my shoes at my television to make this stupidity stop. The new automated BB voice now comes over the speakers, gathering the HG’s in the living room to hear about the BB20 twist – The BB App Store. HOH Tyler reads the card, describing that America has been voting on questions about the HG’s, and the most trending person with these questions gets the Power App (which can help their game), and the least trending person with these questions receives the Crap App (which is essentially a BB penalty). NOTE: I suspect that all of this is clearly being left super vague and non-transparent to allow CBS the flexibility to rig the “trending” outcome toward whatever Paul-like protections they feel are needed in a given week (hrmmmmmm, and after screwing Sam with the clumsy Robot penalty in Week 1, we should put all the money on Sam likely getting thrown this Power App lifeline, yes?). Swaggy DR: Listen, Swaggy C is always trending, that Power App is as good as mine! And once I have it, I’ll be running the house even more than I already am. Ugh. People are all individually called in, and SURE ENOUGH, we see that a very emotional Sam gets the Power App. She can choose among 5 Power App options, and selects the Bonus Life app, which says this power gives her or the HG of her choosing the CHANCE (in all-caps, actually) to return to the game if evicted, and the power is good for 4 weeks. Interesting that the power is for the “chance” to return. So this is basically an invitation to another Battle Back, right? It doesn’t seem to guarantee her anything…right? But hey, at least Sam the robot got something. Faysal gets the Crap App and has to choose one of 5 punishments to receive for the week. He chooses the Hamazon punishment (which admittedly confused me because the word “ham” is in the name of the app, the graphic for the app was a cooked ham, and Muslims don’t eat ham…so why choose this one?). We see the Hamazon card, and it reveals that Faysal will be receiving ham-based food all week and must eat it upon delivery. So we’ll see how that unfolds. We do see Swaggy go to App Store, and he’s feeling super confident, knowing for a fact that he’s running the house and that America will give him the Power App! Womp womp. He does not get it, and is SHOCKED as he DR’s: Access denied! How can it not be me?! I don’t know what America was thinking, but clearly they messed up! Get it right next week, America! I’m not just some jabroni, I’m your man! So I’m gonna give you one more chance to make Swaggy C happy, so please, get it right this time. Seriously, CBS has got to give the Week 2 Crap App to Swaggy next week, right??? That’s it from me, y’all! Tune in Wed night for the POV comp and ceremony, and an amazingly snarktastic recap from the always beloved @MrsGryn. Happy 4th of July, jabroni’s.
  12. Hey, I've been crazy busy the last few days, but the Sunday show recap will be worth it (and finally be finished and posted later tonight!). Somebody take tomorrow night's show, and I'll give you a shoutout in my recap!
  13. Our beloved Julie Chen kicks off the season in sheer black dressiness to welcome us to the BB20 house! Surrounded by the beautiful orange décor, she reminds us that 240 players have played BB in the last 19 seasons (I guess you’re not official canon, BB Over The Top & Celebrity BB, #WompWomp), and they have competed in over 600 competitions and won over $10 million of #StacksOnStacksOnStacks. She exits through the fancy double doors, welcoming us to the “official start of summer” (uh, Julie, you have Neil DeGrasse Tyson and his almanac calling on Line 2), as about 50 of the 240 BB alumni are shown in the front several rows (Hey BB3 Lisa, I see you! And hey to you, BB10 Keesha, and BB12 The Meow Meow! And “what up, Kaysar?!” Buttttttttt, most of the rest of y’all can just have a seat….). Mrs. Moonves now informs us that when BB started 20 seasons ago, there were no smartphones, no tablets, no social media (as well as no recruitment of annoying newbie non-fan houseguests based on their Instagram following and/or hotness, but hey, that’s ironic tea for another day). But since then, technology has apparently taken over the world, and so Julie decided that the BB20 house would be taken over by the glorious joys & evils of technology (because hey, what could go wrong?!). Julie says we should “get ready for a summer filled with hacks, apps, and robots”, and “three epic competitions” (OK, settle down, Julie, pace your hyperbole…) in tonight’s two-hour show. She walks toward the giant screen, we get our first signature #ButFirst, and Julie kicks off the first reel of intro videos of our new best friends and sworn enemies of Summer 2018: We start in rural Virginia, where we meet Samantha (“Sam”), who is right out of central casting for “seemingly adorable country bumpkin with a heart of gold, while possessing an overuse of southern affectations which would even make the writers of the “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!” show cringe”. Sam’s a welder, y’all, and she is fighting the patriarchy in a man’s welding world while living in a humble single-wide trailer in her mama’s side-yard (and yes, I recognize that this last sentence read like a “extreme southern caricature” MadLibs page, and no, I did not make any of this up). We now visit the set of Baywatch 2, and meet Tyler on the beaches of South Carolina. He straight up owns the fact that he is the stereotypical dumb shaggy beach bro’seph. He says that his biggest weakness is his brain (Seriously. He said this. Out loud. To the camera.), but promises that his iteration of the laid back surfer dude will not be the first one evicted this season. So there’s that. We now zip over to the midwest and meet former Miss Missouri USA, Bayleigh. Y’all, she’s self-described princess, is currently a flight attendant, and says that even though she won Miss Congeniality in Miss USA, she is actually “nice nasty” and will only help you if she “absolutely has to”. She then prattles on with a string of airline/flight metaphors for her gameplay, and I fast forward to the end of her segment because I just can’t with her right now. But next up is Steve, the 40-something slow-old token casting choice, who may just prove to have a little pop in his game. He is a former undercover narcotics cop from NYC, and now is a tenured college professor who loves his 20-something students. He says he’s both tough as nails, but also has a soft side (cue the bubblebath scene…?), and that he’s a BB superfan. BB16 undercover cop Derrick caught lighting in a bottle to win his season, we’ll see if Steve can get lighting to strike twice. We now zip over to Southern California to meet Nicole Richie Kaitlin, who is a 24 year old life coach (OK, what...?!). We are then greeted with multi-block images of crystals, oils, a tiny buddha, a bunch of glowing orbs, and a claim from Kaitlin that she carries six spirit guides with her wherever she goes. Moving on… Up next, we see that CBS was inspired by the newsworthy success of casting Omarosa in Celebrity BB, and has now decided to cast a Kentucky cat named Winston, who right off the bat says hello, and then immediately articulates his love of the 2nd Amendment and his comfort of taking guns into movie theaters (and then is literally seen kissing his gun goodbye while wistfully saying “I’m gonna miss you.”). But sensing that his segment was getting a bit too loaded with unneeded political triggers, CBS quickly pivots to Winston and his dog (named Dixie, because Winston is nothing if not deeply on-brand). Y’all, Winston loves Dixie, and while still unlucky in human love, he will continue to make lunches for his canine love, Dixie, every day. Next, we go back out to California and meet Angela (who is the answer to the CBS casting question, “What if we cast a more attractive, less-tattooed, less-Paul-influenced Christmas Abbott, and rebooted her for the tech-branded BB20?”). Angela is all the things Christmas was, a professional athlete/fitness queen, someone who is super-competitive, someone who regularly gets underestimated by guys before beating them, and someone who runs her own successful business. Huzzah to Angela, may you not be hospitalized this season. We stay in LA, and meet JC who is so many things. He’s a professional dancer, a body builder, a record-holder in powerlifting, and all at the height of 4’8”. Dude has a big colorful personality and energy, and this CBS segment is all-in on that. After meeting this first group of 8 on stage, Julie sends in a group of 4 (Bayleigh, Winston, Sam, and Tyler) to move into the house (Bayleigh enters the house first, and is the BB20 recipient of the First-In Curse, as we know that in the history of BB, no one who has entered the house first has ever won the game). There’s lot of standard gushing over how amazing the house is, lots of running to find the bedrooms, and a quick moment of introductions among the 4 (Sam DR’s endless layers of southern colloquialisms, and we quickly realize that CBS will be all-in on Sam’s DR’s this season, likely asking her to comment on any possible topic at any time of day or night, just to see what comes out of her mouth). It’s time for the next 4 (Nicole Richie, JC, Derrick 2.0, and Christmas 2.0) to enter the house. Lots more “OMG, this house is amazing!!” ramblings, some new house shots in different rooms, some Kaitlin DR’s about manifesting her successes & thoughts on the current house aura, and an hysterical reveal that Angela & Tyler are both from South Carolina which Tyler was NOT cool with discussing, lest a rumor about them start, and a target gets nailed to them (surfer dude is right, get it together Christmas 2.0!). Back from commercial, and Julie insists we meet the remaining 8 HG’s. So I guess we’ll do that: We start on the Vegas strip (please God, we beg you, please let this not be another Russo Sister!!!!), and we meet a performer named Rachel (who is thankfully not a Russo sister, nor Rachel Reilly in a brunette wig trying to play for 3rd time). She seems to base a lot of her strategy on her ability to flirt & manipulate & flirt some more, so here’s to one-trick ponies living their greatest life. We’re now off to suburban Connecticut to meet day-trader and weekend babysitter Chris. But don’t get too comfortable with his birth name, as his username is “Swaggy C” (and like other HG’s this season, he will hit you over the head with how on-brand he will be, even using the 3rd person to refer to himself like The Jimmy on Seinfeld). Up next is Angie (aka, Rockstar, because CBS will uniquely brand every single breath of every single HG if it is the last thing they do this season!). Y’all, someone named Rockstar is a lot of things, she simultaneously wears every color of the crayon box, she believes in “peace through partying”, she’s into magical unicorns, she’s a self-described pagan witch, and also a mother of three. Next up is the bro’iest Bro’seph who ever Bro’ed, meet Brett. This Bro Brett is from Boston, and when not being a “brawny burly boy” (all his bro’tastic word choices) working out at the gym, he is (get ready for more of his righteously self-branded words!) “an American patriot, fighting cybersecurity terrorists every single day”, saying that it is “my moral duty to protect people from those who may take advantage of them”. He identifies as a good looking dude (Vain party, table for 1), and apparently has to live with the daily curse of being underestimated for his looks all the damn time. But don’t worry, bro-chachos, because your boy Brett is always a step ahead of the haters, and wears a pair of fake glasses to apparently dial down his physical attractiveness and allow himself to be seen as not just another good looking bro. Well played, Ego Boy. Well played. We are now off to the hometown of Ron Burgundy – San Diego, CA! Here we meet a very athletic citizen (likely vying for Champ Kind’s sportscaster job on the Newschannel 4 news team), Kaycee. Kaycee is a receiver on a professional women’s football team, and she is LOVED by her family (she has a lifelong Big Brother bond with dad). It’s now time to visit Scottie in Chicago. He’s a self-described “dweeb” who has never been on a date, and never been kissed. He loves to nerd out on games with friends (esp games with “elves and dragons”), but says that he surprises people with how athletic he is, even while he knows he does not come off as anywhere near athletic. He says his gaming background teaches him to think strategically about his actions and be 2-3 steps ahead of everyone. We now get our annual reminder that apparently the students at Texas A&M University have some incriminating photos of the CBS production team, as it’s time to meet the umpteenth consecutive HG slot given to an A&M student/alum. This year’s Aggie spot goes to Haleigh, and she (like everyone this season!) is very on-brand, and for her, it’s being Texan. Cute, southern, big hair, jeans and/or short dress, literally saying “I’m not just a country bumpkin, I’m sophisticated and I’m going to win with my southern charm”, you all know the drill. Thanks for playing, Haleigh, there are some lovely consolation prizes for you backstage. We now zoom into Orlando, where Faysal awaits us. He’s a former UT-Chattanooga wide receiver (who says he “shattered every receiver record there”, but NFL Hall of Famer Terrell Owens went UT-Chatt, so we may need to fact-check this cat). That said, he’s currently a high school coach and a substitute teacher, and also shares that he & his family are proud Muslims (shoutout to Kaysar!). It’s time for the next group of 4 to enter the BB20 house: Haleigh, Scottie, Faysal, and Kaycee. As this group enters, the apparent shortage of beds becomes a topic (this year, the Blue Room and Pink Room are separated by a sliding wall, a case which no one has cracked yet). CBS predictably provides a Sam DR where she references the small quarters of her trailer, aka, “The Sugar Shack”, also not having a lot of beds, and the sound you now hear is the scramble of a Netflix production team packing up equipment to fly to rural Virginia and sign Sam’s family to any rural reality show they want to star in. The final group of 4 (Rachel, Swaggy, Brett, and Rockstar) now enter, and the family bonding begins in full. Brett immediately labels JC as a full-on miniature Bro, and Kaitlin and Rockstar bond over oils/sages/auras, huzzah. It’s time for Undercover Detective Steve to crack his first case of the BB20 season, The Case of The “Where The Hell Are All The Beds?” Crisis. As all the HG’s gather in the Blue Room, Steve casually sits on the floor by himself to lay back and observe. In this spot, he notice Tyler wonder about the thin wall, and Steve suggests that this wall may move. Surfer dude’s world is rocked and his mind is blown, and sho’nuff, they slide the wall to reveal to everyone that YES, there are plenty of beds in the newly revealed Pink Room. Steve DR’s: Being a retire detective, I observe everything, and BOOM, another bedroom. I know a stash room when I see one. I also know a house full of idiots when I see one, too. This Jersey cop is seeing lots of things. Now, off to The Bada Bing! And with this, I encourage everyone to join Tiffany Jacob in voting all sorts of App Store powers to Steve, because we’re going to need him around for at least the first few weeks. It’s now time for the annual Premiere Night rite of passage: the poppin’ of bottles, and the introductions of names, fake jobs, and carefully crafted brand identities. Moments of note include: Yet another DR from Sam stating that she’s down to get to know JC and that she thinks he’s “cuter than a bug’s ear, but he’s already made it known that he’s a part of the ‘LGBGT” community (oh, honey…), so I guess I’m gonna have to sit this one out. But he’s mighty stinkin’ cute.” Rachel is down to get to know Winston. Brett says he’s in “cyber sales” because he “didn’t want everyone to know that I’m in cyber-security and give away my intelligence”. Uh, well played idiot Bro. We’re none the wiser about your, cough, intelligence. Faysal & Haleigh have eyes for each other. Tyler is suspicious of undercover detective Steve (“he’s giving me the bullet eyes, like he’s gonna give me the shakedown in the back alley”), so our idiot surfer may just have some solid game awareness hidden in his Frank Eudy hair. Kaitlin loses the house with her chakra-speak (Winston: I don’t know what chakras are, that sounds sexual and violent, and I want no part of that…unless I had my gun…which I love very much. I would totally chakra my gun.) We learn that Scottie possesses Kaitlin’s “my favorite, my favorite, my favorite energy in the whole house” (said as Winston is likely running into the kitchen to find some aluminum foil and utensils to mold into a fake gun to help calm his racing nervous heart right now) During Rachel’s intro, Kaitlin DR’s that Rachel’s aura is red, which is no bueno to her (red auras apparently create the most friction) Back from commercial, and the HG’s are all hanging out in the Blue Room. The topic of relationships comes up, and Scottie states that he’s never had a relationship. Vegas Rachel’s mind is blown that this is even possible in today’s world, and then loudly flips out when Scottie says he’s never been kissed. She then screams in delight for this non-extended challenge, gets up, and starts chasing Scottie around the house. To Scottie’s nerdy credit, he does seem to have some athletic skills, as we see him effortlessly hurdle the giant orange sofas in the living room, and sprint up the spiral stairs in mere seconds, all while Rachel screams “he’s never been kissed, he’s never been kissed, we have to kiss him!” Meanwhile, I’m sure CBS production is in a panicked frenzy watching this, and before Scottie’s lawyers can file a #MeToo consent grievance with the network, they scramble to quickly get Julie on the living room screen, and call everyone together to discuss the upcoming comp. Well played, Mrs. Moonves. Well played. Julie tells them that the BB20 season theme is Technology, and that they should prepare themselves for “high-tech twists, upgraded powers and punishments, and the most tech-tacular competitions ever”, while everyone ooh’s & ahh’s at her signature hyperbole (NOTE: if they don’t bring back Jeff Schroeder to host a comp called Technotronic, they are doing this all wrong). Cue the continued fish-out-of-water DR’s from Sam: "What I know about technology can fill a thimble. I’m sweatin’ like a nun in a cucumber patch!” God bless. She’s going to give American Idol’s Kelly Pickler a run for her "Most Loveably Overexposed Country Bumpkin on Reality TV" title. Julie kicks off the night of three, count ‘em, THREE comps, by having everyone gather on the BB Super Computer platform into 2 teams of 8 (4 men and 4 women on each team). They are fighting for “the power to re-program the game” (whoo-hoo, vague objectives!), and the winner of the 3-stage comp will have the power to keep 8 total people safe from eviction this week. As Julie continues to read about this tech-tacular comp, their background screen gets fritzy, some sirens go off, and smarty Angela (who is a BB superfan, and likely knows from history that our beloved Chenbot has a lengthy record of messing things up in live comps) hysterically asks of Julie, “Uhhhh, is this supposed to do that?” But no worries, Christmas 2.0, this is all part of Julie’s tech theme, as we learn that the BB Super Computer is crashing and the 2 groups of 8 will have to each play out a comp to try and save it from crashing. Comp #1: The Slime Darkness This comp is very similar to the infamous black box comp of recent seasons. The 8 HG’s slide into a pitch-black room where there is slime & gunk sprayed onto the floor (says Brett: “BRO, it’s disgusting in here, it’s like my frat house after a rager!” – Go away, Brett. Just go away.). They are each tasked to find one of seven folders, each one will let them escape back into the house, with one special folder moving that HG to Comp #3 to have a chance at new power. Cutting to the recapping chase: Tyler, VIP Princess Bayliegh, Bro’han Sebastian Bach Brett, Rachel, Angela, JC, and Winston find their folders (with Kaycee finishing last, and she will receive a penalty; Angela got the special folder to move into the 3rd Comp). Comp # 2: Vertical Spelling The other 8 HG’s are all hung on repelling cables, and are tasked to stack letter blocks on top of each other and spell the word “Houseguest”. The first to spell their word tower will move to Comp #3, and the last person slowpoke to spell their word tower will have a penalty punishment (and we all know CBS is praying the last place finisher in this group will be Sam, if only to give her more attention and DR time to wax southernly poetic about her state of affairs). And of course, CBS cues up a DR from Sam who explains that she thinks she’s a great speller, and was even in the all-county spelling bee in the 2nd grade. She lost on the word “raspberry”, spelling it with a “z”, while America exclaims “Bless her heart” at our curious welder. Cutting to the recapping chase: Swaggy barely beats Scottie to win the spot in Round #3, followed by Undercover Steve, Faysal, Kaitlin, Rockstar, and Haleigh, with Sam (to CBS’s delight!) finishing last. Back from commercial, and Swaggy wants to have a confab with the winner of Comp #1, Angela. He wants to make a deal that regardless of who wins, they’d promise to keep the other safe. BUT, Angela reveals that she had already discussed with her platform group of 8 that if she won, that she’d keep this group of 8 players safe. Swaggy is dumbfounded that she is being presented with the opportunity to be safe herself, regardless of who wins Comp #3, and declining the offer. She says that they should just plan to make their own decisions, and with that, they shake hands and it’s on. And you know, this should all work out OK for her because Big Brother has always been a team sport with multiple winners every season…wait, it’s not? Someone better upload that knowledge into Christmas 2.0, stat. Comp #3: Surfing The Web Both Angela & Swaggy are placed onto surfboards, and will have to stay on their board as it rocks side to side while objects are swung onto their path. To both of their credit, they both stay balanced on their board for an impressive amount of time as the objects swing by. In the end Angela falls off, and Swaggy wins the power that comes with Comp #3. As they hug at the end, he congratulates her effort and says “You pushed me, you’re safe”. But will he keep that post-comp BB promise? Or will Swaggy throw Angela under Becky’s Train Sam’s Single-Wide and do his own thing? Julie now explains that Swaggy can keep 8 people safe, but that the decisions must be based on the CBS-created move-in groups (the 16 people all entered the house in 4 groups of 4, so Swaggy can choose his group of 4 and one other group of 4 – these 8 people will all be safe from eviction this week). But before we figure out safety, Julie reminds us that we have to see the punishments that Kaycee & Sam received. Right on cue, Kaycee comes out of the DR in a multi-colored rainbow unitard (much to Rockstar’s delight, obviously). Kaycee must wear this unitard until the first eviction night, and must stay in a given room if BB starts to spin the mechanical pinwheel. The mystery of Sam’s disappearance continues to grow among the HG’s (did she blow off CBS and leave to go sign a mega TV show deal with TLC?), when suddenly the prop robot in the tech kitchen comes to life and begins rolling toward Rachel. The animated robot face lights up, and asks if Rachel recognizes her voice. Alas, the southern belle that was Sam is now a Bot. She robotically says she can hear and see everything through the camera mount above the screen, but begins to run into the furniture and walls as she rolls around. Sam needs to stay in her robot body until the first eviction night as well (but will have the chance to temporarily return as a human whenever BB says “Robot Offline”…but will there be a Bot-accessible elevator for her to get to HOH?? #BotJustice). It’s well after 2:00am for me, so I’ll quickly hit the final segment of the show: Swaggy’s decision of who to keep safe. The different move-in groups all campaigned and made their case, but in the end, Swaggy decides to not honor his deal to keep Angela (and her team) safe, but kind of cops out and very arbitrarily decides to keep the other team of 4 who moved in with his group safe for the week (which means Swaggy, Rockstar, Bro’seph, Rachel, Scottie, Haleigh, Kaycee, and Faysal all get Friendship Bracelets will all live to see Week 2, while Sam, Winston, Bayleigh, Tyler, Angela, Steve, JC or Nicole Richie will go home this week). As we close, Julie tells us to go to CBS online to visit the BB App Store to give HG’s special powers & punishments (but I’m sure right now Bro’seph Brett has his cyber-security people hacking the App Store now to give the Bro all the powers!). Tune in Thursday night to watch the second part of premiere night, and to read the amazing recappage from @dc20willsave. Thanks for reading, may we all enjoy the 20 years of built-up BB craziness over the next 3 months. Enjoy the start of the live feeds on Thursday!
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